... is very high today. Every once in a while I wake up like this and it's a difficult thing to deal with. Nothing smells good, nothing tastes good. The sun can't shine brightly enough. My tears are readily available. I can't even listen to music because most of it makes me cry. Today the only thing that would make me truly happy is to be a professional musician. Yet that's the only thing I can no longer be (well, that or a pro athlete, but I never really wanted to be one anyway). It really does feel like someone is driving a dagger in and out of my heart.
The second best scenario would be winning the lottery and not having to work so that then I could devote all my time to music. I still wouldn't become a pro but I'd sure have a fun time failing at it. The chances of this are as impossible as the first option so daydreaming about it is really an exercise in futility.
So by the time I get home tonight I have to lift myself from this funk so that I can channel this energy into something more productive like practicing. But with my final looming around the corner my oboe time will be limited for another week.
I always seem to have one of these little episodes whenever the other parts of my life threaten to completely take over my music time. This is what's at the crux of my whole career debate. I had a whole entry thought up about this a few days ago but I never made it. Now I am a too emotional and none of this is coming out very coherently.
Yes, I do think that these feelings are due to my inner fears acting out. I have to work this all out before commiting to grad/med/dent school. I have to continue hoping that with work out of the way I can handle school and music. It's all three of them at the same time that are testing my limits. Over the next few months I'll write more about this in an effort to clear my mind and put me at ease.
Now back to my regularly scheduled boring work task.