Happy Labor Day Weekend!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to wish you all a nice long weekend and give you a quick update.

My medical school application process is moving along pretty well. Eight applications have been submitted so far. I have 6 more secondary applications to finish, but I only care about 3 of them. My recommendation package should be going out from my school in the next week. Hopefully I will start getting interview invites some time in September.

I had my first lesson since returning from CA this past Monday. I was deathly scared because once again I felt ill-prepared. Finding time and energy to practice every day has become exponentially harder than when I started playing. It makes no sense really because at least I don't sound like a duck anymore. Thankfully the lesson went better than expected. My reed wasn't completely finished but it was getting there. The Mozart had some issues but the sound of it was a lot better. My issues are mostly with articulation. Because the lesson went well this week also went much better in terms of practicing. I've practiced 3 days in a row now after months of every other day. YAY! Part of it was motivation from the good lesson but also she gave me a lot of assignment for my next lesson which is this coming Sunday already. I have to work on scales (E and F major), an articulation exercise, the first two Sellner studies, and the Mozart (including several more bars). It feels nice to be playing again. I feel like I had forgotten how magical it is . . .

California!

Hey everyone. Having to write scores of essays for my medical school applications has left me unable to update the blog but I just had to write something about this week. After a crazy first half of the year my husband and I rewarded ourselves by taking an impromptu trip to California. Neither of us had been to the West coast but we were both curious to see if we'd like it enough to consider relocating there in the next 5-10 years.

We arrived last Saturday in San Diego, spent two days there, drove up for a day in LA, spent another day in San Luis Obispo, and are now spending the rest of our time with a friend in San Jose. Oh, and yesterday we spent the day in San Francisco. So we've gotten a nice little survey of all the major cities we were curious about. We didn't quite know where to go in LA so for now we are leaving it off our list, but we were very positively impressed by every place we have visited. I could certainly imagine a life here on this side of the country. That all being said, it will probably take the next 5 years for me to convince myself to leave the New York City area. It's incredibly emotional for me to even consider being far away from it, but there's a feeling growing inside me of wanting to start fresh somewhere new. We'll see what happens as time goes by. But at least now we have options.

On Wednesday I met Patty! Hi Patty!! It was wonderful to meet in person after 2 years of blogging and chatting. She correctly guessed that I was nervous leading up to our meeting. It's always scary to play for someone new and I was especially worried because I am at my worst shape ever; my practicing has been sporadic at best the past few months. However, Patty put me at ease and I was able to play for her and even with her (we played some duets). She sounds beautiful, of course, so the duets were a special treat. Thanks so much for the amazing time, Patty! If we move to San Jose I will be begging to become one of your official students.

We will be leaving on the red-eye tomorrow night. At this point we're pretty exhausted but also curiously refreshed. It's been nice to step out of our life for a bit and imagine a new life where the focus is us. Back home, we are being pulled in so many directions. I now feel recharged and ready to return and hit the ground running.

Early Birthday Gift

I had a lesson on Saturday morning. This lesson was dubbed the "Hilda" lesson because my teacher offered it for free in celebration of my MCAT score (I scored in the top 10% of test takers). She also presented me with a gift of Venezuelan chocolate and a brand new reed. These were early birthday presents!

MCAT costs (including Kaplan class I never attended): $1900
Gas: $35
Triborough bridge tolls: $7
New reed: Priceless

I got to call all the shots at the "Hilda" lesson which meant that we did NOT work on reeds. Hahah. I ended up talking for the first few minutes, playing a few scales, and then playing some of the Mozart I had worked on.

The Mozart is going ok. While there she secretely moved up my metronome and I ended up playing at 108, even though at home I couldn't play over 92. However, she wants me to slow it back down because I am not getting the articulation right in all spots. For my next lesson (this Friday) I have to play the entire first page (I'll get the bar numbers later) with the correct articulations.

I'm still struggling with my motivation to practice daily (and to post here too). I am hoping everything will go back to normal once I'm done with the med school application process. MY AMCAS application (the primary, central application) was submitted this Monday. Once that gets verified it will get sent out to the 14 schools I am applying to. Then each school will require submission of a secondary application. Some of these are short, others require more essays. All require more money, approximately $100 each. Once I am done with those then it's just a waiting game to see if I will get called in for interviews.

In the meantime I hope to have a lot more time for my oboe. I miss it. *sniff*

False alarm

So I ended up not having a lesson after all yesterday. Maybe it was for the best because my nerves are shot in anticipation of my MCAT score tomorrow (they will be posted online at 5PM EST).

Yesterday's plan was to meet my teacher at the Rose Rehearsal Studio in Lincoln Center. She had a rehearsal there and we were supposed to use that space for my lesson once the rehearsal was over. I asked if I could show up early to watch the rehearsal and she said it would be fine. However, when I get there it turned out that they were moved to a very small room with no extra chairs so I was asked to sit outside. That was mostly ok (I'm used to being kicked out I guess) because I sat out there chatting with a nice man, who later turned out to be a Grammy award winning sound engineer. That was my first hint that maybe I was in the wrong place. My I-don't-belong-here senses were tingling. Then a bunch of jazz stars walked out of the room during a short break: Wayne Shorter, John Patitucci, and Danilo Perez. Add to that my teacher's entire group was there too. I was pretty starstruck and starting to get uncomfortable. Add to this that a very wonderful professional string quartet began to rehearse next door. By then I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to feel comfortable enough to play anywhere NEAR there. The last straw was when a well-dressed woman warned us that a board meeting was starting in 20 minutes in the big room (the one the rehearsal was supposed to be in). I was then sure that I could not let the benefactors of Lincoln Center hear my humble oboe playing. Also, the rehearsal showed no signs of being anywhere near over and they all sounded like they were having a great time so I didn't want to ruin if for my teacher. I texted her that I was leaving and started my long trek home - walk to the subway, 2 subway trains to Grand Central Station, MetroNorth train to my town, and station pick-up by nice hubby to drive me home (less than a mile, but I was worn out).

I was quite sad the whole way home because I had been excited about my lesson. But it was fun to be that close to musical geniuses. My, what blessed and glamorous lives! If you can't join them, then at least you can learn from them :-)

Lesson tomorrow

I have my first lesson in what seems like a long time tomorrow. It may end up being near Lincoln Center as my teacher has a rehearsal there in the afternoon. I don't know how I feel about rehearsing around there. I think I may be embarassed that people will hear me.

I have to bring two reeds in tomorrow. I did work on them this weekend but neither of them is very good. One of them sounds very "honky". I think my tip is too thin all around instead of being slightly thicker in the middle. The other one still has too much cane and isn't doing much. *sigh* The worst thing is that my good reed is starting to die. How sad. I have another one that suddenly started working ok, but the sound on it isn't as good as the sound of my dying reed. How I will miss you, little reed. Too bad that none of the ones I make are good enough yet.

I have been practicing scales, though admitedly not as much as I should have. I will be presenting C and F major tomorrow at the fastest tempo I can play them. The C isn't too bad except that it sounds uneven. The F is hard because I am supposed to go up to high F and I get all bent out of shape with anything higher than the high D.

For repetoire I am to play the first mvt of the Marcello and the little bit of the Mozart that I've been working on. Guess what? For some reason my slow piece of Mozart sounds better than the Marcello that I've been working on for a year now! What is that all about??? Well, I have a theory that it has to do with articulation. My rough tounging is not as much of an issue in the Mozart which calls for some staccato, whereas the Marcello requires a more liquid legato with delicate tonguing. Also I feel that the Marcello needs more dynamic variation and vibrato to make it work, whereas the Mozart tends to get by on innate charm. Let's see what the verdict will be tomorrow!

I couldn't help it

I got desperate!

Back to the Shed

I didn't get out of work until after 6 today. The schedule was busy yet we were running quite smoothly despite the "lead" doctor having an in-office upper lid bleph scheduled during the afternoon. But for some reason everything stalled near the end of the day. Maybe we all got tired. Or maybe it was all the darn phone calls coming in. Anyways, at least the weather got better and when I got home I opened the windows and played with the cats for a bit while thinking about wanting to practice. I quickly lost steam as I realized that I was hungry and started preparing dinner.

At 9 o'clock I forced myself to practice. Why does it always have to feel like you're overcoming tremendous inertia in order to start practicing? And the funny thing is that after a few minutes I am always fine and I get into playing. *shrug*

I focused on a few things today:

My recent "breakthrough": I may not have spent as much time playing during those last few MCAT weeks, but I did still think about my oboe a lot. I spent some more time on trying to figure out why I am struggling so much with my embouchure and with taking good breaths (or any at all). After observing several professional oboist (I went to two amazing concerts this weekend!) I saw that they all keep their reeds on the bottom lip when breathing. I've gone over this before with all three of my teachers and they've all said it doesn't particularly matter, but I really am convinced that it is part of my problem. I've been keeping my reed on the top lip and what ends up happening is that I have to reinvent my embouchure each time I breathe. The whole "smiley" thing is coming more from the upper lips. I think that since the reed was up there I was naturally breathing upwards towards it, making my mouth turn back into a smile each time. I reasoned that by putting the reed on the lower lip, the less my mouth will have to readjust each time I take a breath. The theory sounded really good to me because it explained another major issues I am having: reluctance to take breaths. I must have developed this hesitancy as a response to my ever-changing embouchure. "If I don't open my mouth to breathe, my embouchure stays set for longer". I am not sure if I am explaining myself well, but hopefully you all get the picture. Putting my theory into practice turned out to be harder than I expected because my old habit was pretty deeply engrained. But my early efforts are promising. Keeping the reed on the lower lip definitely helps me focus everything downward, preventing the smiley somewhat. With time, I hope this leads to significant improvement in my playing.

I started working on my scales again. Oh the pain! I couldn't find my practice sheet for my C scales so I had to figure out my tempi all over again. She wants me to do sixteeth notes on each beat and wants me to get the C major to about 108 (the tempo of the Mozart). I managed to get to 100 before it broke down (my ring fingers start to lose control). F major didn't go as well. I forgot how hard that high E fingering is for my twisted pinkies. I resisted the urge to get really upset about this because I already went through that whole phase of feeling depressed/handicapped about high fingerings. It will get easier eventually!

The last thing I did was practice those first few bars of the Mozart at 80. I can't get all 16 counts of that high C in there yet though. Holy moly. Will I ever have enough endurance to play that?? I think this is exactly why she assigned it to me. I have no idea if we're really going to get through the entire thing, but just the beginning of the 1st mvt is forcing me to deal with a lot of my improvement areas.

All in all, a decent practice session in the end. Let's hope for several more before my lesson on Saturday!

MCAT hangover

Hiiiii!! I am done with beast! I wrote all about the gory details and my near breakdown (in hindsight, it was actually kind of funny) the first few minutes on my other blog. I get my scores on June 27th and at this point I am cautiously optimistic. I may not get the scores I want on each individual section but I am hopeful that my cumulative score is still ok.

But enough about the MCAT! Let's talk about oboe.

The final week before the test I was unable to practice at all because I was just not in the right frame of mind. The only way I could stay calm was by thinking about or studying for the test ALL the time. The first few days after I was done, I was just too tired. So I just started practicing again this week.

Thankfully, I don't sound as bad as I had feared. I am having trouble keeping my corners in again and my mouth is getting tired sooner, but my sound didn't regress like I thought it would. My fingers were what took the biggest hit. I feel so darn clumsy right now.

My next lesson will be next Monday so I still have a few days to practice and to make a reed. I will be practicing the first movement of my Marcello and will also start on the Mozart. I think I'll take the first 15 bars or so. I also have to do some long tones and scales.

I don't have much to write yet, but I do hope to spend a lot of time on my oboe this summer. I'll keep you all posted!

On beta blockers

Thanks for all the comments on that other post, by the way.

I should be reviewing more biology or sleeping but instead I am up thinking about beta blockers, which I guess are at least marginally related to my studies.

The reason I am taking beta-blockers is for a heart condition I developed 4 years ago. I wasn't playing oboe yet and had already quit the sax. I began to notice that everything I did felt like I over-exertion. I frequently felt the "fight or flight" feeling. It began to interfere with my ability to handle everyday tasks. They ruled out things like adrenal gland or pituitary tumors and eventually we realized that for some reason my heart had started beating too quickly all of the time. It was downright scary. As I lay in bed every night with my heart pounding in my chest, I would wonder if I would wake up to see morning. The cardiologists couldn't figure out the WHY, but since the symptoms were severe (and confirmed on various tests, i.e. it was not in my head) they decided to treat the symptoms with the beta blockers. Eventually we got the dosage right and my heart rate is now in the normal range.

I brought up breathing in my post because I have always been a shallow breather. My Dad would yell to me about it as a kid. Sometimes I wonder if the shallow breathing was part of what caused my heart to go haywire in the first place. Maybe all the shallow breathing forced my heart to work harder (or to think it needed to work harder) to get oxygen to all my cells? Hmm. Just my own little theory. Because even with the beta blockers I still tend to hyperventilate when I exert myself. So there may be some respiratory aspect to my condition that is still untreated. And maybe that same thing is causing me all my headaches at my lessons. Or maybe I am just looking for excuses.

When initially prescribed them, I knew nothing about musicians taking beta blockers for anxiety or stress since I was very much in the fringes of the musical world back then (and I guess I still am). So it came as a pleasant surprise to me when a few months into the regimen I realized that I was getting bolder about my harmonies at church. I had been singing in our "choir" for a decade and had NEVER sang solo and was always loathe to get picked up by the microphones. The few times they tried to get me to sing on my own, I got so nervous that my teeth chattered and I broke into cold sweat. I realize now that it was nearly a panic attack. My voice would either come out tiny and quivery or would completely disappear. All of a sudden the person with the good ear became tone deaf and arrythmic. I simply broke down artistically due to the nerves and so always preferred to be in an ensemble where I didn't stand out. I was delighted to finally be able to do the things I wanted to do without the panic. Within a year I was able to finally sing solo at my church. Now I do it all the time. I wish I could say that I grew up and that I overcame my irrational fears. But no, I know NOW that it's just the beta blockers.

So it sounds like on top of the heart thing, and the possible (but improbable) lung thing, I definitely have some anxiety issues. Otherwise the beta blockers wouldn't have "cured" me of my stage fright, right?

All of my oboe playing has been "under the influence" so I know no other way. It's been great to be pretty fearless about my playing. Fearless for me, that is . . . which might not be saying much. Less than a year into playing I got together with respected friends of mine to try to form a woodwind quartet. I can only imagine what I sounded like back then, yet I wasn't really nervous about them hearing me play. If anything, I was excited about it. Then again I think that at that point my passion for the oboe was still so novel that I was just happy to share my love of it with others. I really need to get back to that point. At this point I've overcomplicated things with emotional issues. Playing is not about my love of the instrument so much anymore. I've gotten all worked up about not being "good enough" yet or am too busy whining about not having people to play with. All these feelings play out at my lessons these days I think. But I digress . . .

I wonder, with some degree of fear, what would hapen to my playing if i stopped the medication. If I am a nervous wreck at lessons now, what would happen then? This past Sunday I played the intro to a Mother's Day song at my church. While I warmed up when the church was empty I produced a very nice sound, but when the time came to actually perform I did get nervous and my sound and pitch were both iffy. If I had to go off the beta blockers will I be able to even get through a lesson? As it is I am fighting back tears at most of them. Would I be able to play at all? Or would I completely break down like before, unable to play anything closely resembling music? Scary thought.

Or perhaps, as was suggested, maybe the beta blockers are holding me back in a way. Maybe letting some of the nervous energy back in would help my musicality. Well, we won't know for now because my use of the medication is not really elective so I can't just stop cold turkey. But my doctor did recommend to stop if I conceive (no, I am not trying just yet).

So maybe in the not so far future we'll be able to use me as an experiment. I don't think there are that many other musicians in my situation where they were on beta blockers BEFORE they began to play an instrument. It was a coincidence that I was placed on beta blockers and then years later had to deal with anxiety issues in music. Now I am curious to see what will happen without them. Given my penchant for anxiety, however, I have a feeling that things will just get harder. *sigh*

Now in the meantime if I could just recapture the joy of playing just for the sake of it, then maybe everything will be ok in the end.

Happy Mother's Day!

Best wishes to the Moms out there who read this. I hope you and your families have a wonderful day.

Latest lessons

After that one good lesson about a month ago where my teacher told me she wanted me to start learning the Mozart, I've had two not so great lessons.

In fact, I am starting to worry that my lesson habits are starting to get ingrained. I know that part of it is nerves. I think I get a bit starstruck around great oboists and add that to my already high level of anxiety, it makes for a bad situation. Then there is the negative inner dialogue. We ended up spending quite a bit of time addressing this during the last two lessons. I really don't want these lessons to become therapy sessions again, so I have to put an end to this behavior ASAP. Once my MCAT is over (13 more days!! *gulp*) I hope to read some of the books I have on this.

The other issue that is coming up and driving me nuts is my breathing. Remember how I am on beta blockers because my heart beats too fast? I have often wondered if there is a respiratory element to my mystery ailment. My husband and I have both noticed that I seem to hold my breath a lot and that when I do breathe I breathe extremely shallowly. So I am coming into this picture with yet another disadvantage. My teacher feels that this, more than anything, is what is keeping my playing from being where it could be right now. She doesn't think it's my not-always-consistent embouchure, my messy fingers, or anything else. She feels that my improper use of air is the number one weak area at this point. I need to take in a lot more air, a lot more often, and then once I do I need to use it better, to make it warmer and faster and to play through my phrases. I think she's probably right about this because when I hear recordings of myself I realize that certain elements are ok, but that that my playing sounds disjointed. My phrasing is cut off because I interrupt the air stream when I shouldn't.

I guess I should be happy that even though my embouchure is STILL not perfect and that my fingers are messy, that I can still play. But then again, this whole breathing thing is so basic that I am having an extremely difficult time retraining myself.

With my test coming up, I think my aim is just to practice every day, perhaps for only 30 minutes. Rather than focus on the music I am playing I am going to try to focus on my two problem areas. For one week I will play whatever (scales, long tones, random music) and focus only on eliminating negative inner dialogue. I will only allow myself to critique my playing at designated times during the practice. I will also try to allow myself to think of what is going well more often. Perhaps that will help my brain reinforce the good things. Because what's happening at lessons is that I will be playing mostly ok, my teacher notices something that is off, then when I play the phrase again I focus so much on the wrong area that the other good things disappear. This is happening pretty consistently and we're both worried about that. I have to find a way to stop the mind games. Once I get rid of (or at least tone down) the "I suck" voices, I will then focus on breathing. Hopefully taking good breaths will become natural at some point and then once I learn to have all that air inside I can figure out how to best use it.

The good news is that it wasn't all bad. My teacher was really excited about my sound during my scales. By the way, she has me playing them as sixteenth notes now and I have to try to play them as fast as possible. Some of them I am playing at quarter note = 100, which is twice as fast as I was playing them a few months ago when I was doing eighths at that same speed. I guess that's progress. Especially since I am intimidated by fast playing.

Among the crappy parts, some parts of the Marcello (we're back to the 1st mvt) actually sounded really good. She was happy about how much it has improved since I started it. That made me happy :-)

I may not be able to post again until after my test. Please pray that I do well because I REALLY don't want to have to retake this and am desperately looking forward to the summer and to being able to devote myself to my oboe as much as I want to.

Play-In on Saturday

The MCAT is exactly a month away. It feels surreal in a way. I have dreaded taking this test for nearly 15 years and can't believe that it is coming up so soon. Let's hope that I can provide the final push I need to get me there and get me a decent score.

I am supposed to be taking full-length practice exams each weekend but am taking a break this Saturday in order to participate in a local "play-in". Here's part of an email I got earlier this week:

Hi fellow ACMP enthusiasts.

I have been an active local ACMP participant for over 20 years.
I've played with some of you and been in touch with quite a few
of you over time.  A few months ago I began working at the
Music Conservatory of Westchester, and I think it is a wonderful
resource for us. Recognizing the possibilities, we have set up
a Free Play-In for Saturday April 28 from 1PM-4PM.

Features for the day are:
MEET AND GREET for ACMP members and their friends (coffee and
cake will be served).

FREE PLAY-IN in our acoustically excellent 120-seat recital hall
and other fully equipped rehearsal rooms.

WE PLAY TOO. Meet, talk and play with MCW Staff.

DISCOVER what the Conservatory can offer you.

As stressed as I am about the MCAT I'm wanting it to come and go already so that I can go back to enjoying my music. I plan for this to be the "SummerO'Music". I want to play as much and with as many people as I can. So it was interesting timing to get this email this week. I am trying hard not to expect too much (I've been let down so many times before). But maybe, just maybe, I will come out of this with some good contacts and the possibility of an ensemble. That would make my life just perfect! I am willing to exhaust all my resources to find myself a group by the end of the summer, but it would be great if it happens this quickly. Well, at least they'll have free cake if all else fails.

If this play-in thing doesn't work out then I will try the following, in that order:
(1) Look into local summer music programs at music schools and community colleges.
(2) Look into such programs in other areas of the country.
(3) Call up my musician friends and try to get them motivated again.
(4) Call random people from the ACMP directory.
(5) Cry.

Hopefully I will find a group before getting to option 5.

Oh. My. God.

Today was a really nutty day. In total I rode on 6 subway trains and 1 bus and walked maybe 2 miles. I studied MCAT physics for about 5 hours and printed out 100 pages of new review questions. I had lunch with a good friend and chatted with my mom on the phone briefly. Oh, and I bumped into my ex-boyfriend whom I hadn't seen in 10 years.

Talk about being tired for a lesson. I got to my teacher's new house (she moved while I was on vacation) nearly panting. This was my first lesson in over a month! A few weeks ago I was dreading going back because I felt so out of shape and had no good reeds, but as the days got closer I was just excited to see her again and get some help getting back in gear.

Earlier this week she sent me a new exercise via email. I was to set the metronome at 110 and play two octaves of the C major scale up and down twice. Slurred. In sixteeth notes. At first I thought I read it wrong because when I got home and turned on the metronome I was shocked by how quickly I was supposed to be playing the notes. I even called her to verify it and she confirmed that I was to play 4 notes per beat. Woah. After laughing about it for a few minutes I gave it a try. I couldn't quite get to 110, but I managed to sort of get it at 100. Oh, and I forgot the best part! After I did this slurred I was then to try it doing two notes slurred two tongued. Boy did that up the ante. While I was able to kind of get it slurred, doing it with the more complex articulation was a nearly impossible challenge. A few days later it was still pretty messy but every once in a while I was able to do it for a few beats at a time.

I also forgot to mention that in my rush to get out of the house this morning I left my Marcello music at home. DOH! But maybe it turned out for the best because we ended up just working on the C scale exercise. This time she did it with me a bit and then left me alone and I think this had a HUGE effect in calming my nerves. Normally I do a LOT of nervous talking in my lessons but today I did almost none. I basically played the entire hour! Another thing which prevented the chatter was that she had the metronome set at 110 and would give me a count of 4 for me to pull myself together and take a good breath and then I had to just start playing. It was weird at first and I fought the urge to talk or otherwise waste time, but then I realized how much more productive I was. In short, this was probably my best lesson ever! I ended up playing something I thought impossible just a few days ago. By the end of the session even the "articulated" version of the exercise sounded decently good. I couldn't believe I was playing that. And it sounded a lot more musical than I expected. Maybe the reed she gave me helped. Gosh, it's so nice to have a good reed for a change!!

Soooo, get this. After we're done she asks me why I think she gave me that exercise. I rattle off a few things including breathing, dexterity, tonguing, etc. They were all good things but that was not why she assigned me that. She wants me to start a new piece . . . the Mozart oboe concerto!!!!!!!!! Oh. My. God. I was so flattered that she thought I was ready for this. Woah. I still can't believe it.

Does that mean I am at least a little bit uber now???

YAY!!! I am so happy and remotivated now. I just had to share this with you all.

Thanks John Picarello

I took a few minutes to read Patty's blog and saw her link to the Joshua Bell experiment. This is very disheartening but I am not surprised at all. I could write a lot about this topic because I feel it has affected my life personally. It's as though every day I am faced by this "decay". But, alas, I don't have time to write about it all and it might be a bit insensitive or cynical. So instead I will focus on my favorite quote from the article.

I absolutely loved Mr. John Picarello's quote:

If you love something but choose not to do it professionally, it's not a waste. Because, you know, you still have it. You have it forever.

That, my friends, captures the essence of how I feel about my (lack of) musical career right at this moment. It's VERY difficult for me to devote so much time to my real career while ignoring the music. I find myself pining for a life where I don't have to worry about money and can go get that adult diploma at Mannes School of Music and maybe never get a real gig but get pretty good at my instrument and play all the music I want to play. I guess I'm still holding on to that dream (in case I win the lottery or something), but for now Mr. Picarello's words made me feel at peace.

to reed or not to reed

So far all three teachers that I've interacted with have insisted that making reeds is an essential part of becoming an oboist. I never thought to question this until recently when I found myself giving up precious practice time for scraping. As I sat there struggling with my never-quite-sharp-enough knives, I started to wonder whether this was really so pertinent to my musical development. I should also mention that one of my readers planted the seed in me when she revealed that she buys her reeds yet is still a successful oboist.

All this has become more pertinent as I have been contemplating medical school more seriously lately. I am determined to make this work and to continue my oboe studies, but I am well aware that there are only so many hours in a day. While I do think it's possible to find time to play, time to make reeds is only going to become scarser and scarser. This threw me into a panic because I feared it would mean the end of my oboist dreams. But now I have hope that even if I never become a master reed maker I could nevertheless become a good oboist.

So two weeks ago I tried talking to my teacher about this. It's not that I want to give up on reeds entirely, I just feel that I need to go on hiatus until I'm done with the MCAT (so that I don't have to sacrifice playing time to scrape again). Unfortunately, she didn't entirely agree with my plan. She feels that I need to learn how to make reeds first and then at that point I can decide whether or not I will pursue it ongoing or move on to ready-made reeds. I see her point but I am just feeling quite stressed right now and I don't think that this is conducive to reed making anyway.

Patty suggested that next time I tell her instead of ask her about the hiatus. I think I will try that once I get back from my vacation. Since I decided against taking my oboe on the cruise it's going to take me a while to get back into shape and in a way it will be like a new beginning.

By the way, I'm going on the Norweigan Spirit cruise leaving from NYC this Saturday. I'll be back in April and will hopefully chronicle my adventures in getting back into shape :-p I'm trying to convince my husband to buy me that thing where you can dictate and the computer types things out for you. This may help solve my blog blues.

Have a wonderful rest of the month! *hugs*

2 good lessons

Still here in oboe student land . . . and I think I've finally turned another corner. I realize now, in hindsight, that I've been frustrated over that lesson I had late December. You know, the one that turned into a psychotherapy session about why I've been holding on to the wrong embouchure and why I feel a need to do it that way. I'm just an old ex-saxophonist with bad habits is all I think it is. As a result I've been beating myself up and punishing myself by not focusing on my Marcello.

I've gone back and forth about whether it's best to put off all music until I perfect the embouchure or whether one is better served by learning through the music. I think the latter is best as long as you have someone who is guiding you well. You don't want to be at one end of the spectrum where you're doing only music, and reach pieces at that. But the other end of the spectrum where you do only long tones most of the time isn't that much better because most students will end up getting frustrated and discouraged way before they reap the rewards of that. As with most things there exists a happy medium. I've already tried cutting back to mostly long tones several times but the moment I start playing many notes, the corners tend to creep back up. This tells me that in order to really master this I am going to have to figure out a way to do this while playing. I believe the answer is probably through playing the music at a slow enough tempo where I still have control.

While at church yesterday it dawned on me that one of the difficult things about being an adult student is concentration. I remembered a time where I would sit at church and concentrate completely on the service and on prayer. It was that peaceful feeling that drew me to church in the first place. Yesterday instead of being fully alert I had an inner dialogue going on about pure BS. It's as though you can't stop for a single second. If I were to somehow channel the past and concentrate like before, I would probably get a LOT more out of my practice sessions.

In spite of all this, my past two lessons with T have been quite productive. I am doing a lot less of the nervous talking and more playing. The main thing that I need to work on is breathing and how I am using my air. I am sounding very mechanical and boring on the 3rd mvt of the Marcello because I am stopping the air flow between each of the staccato notes. I am having a difficult time combining all the aspects of playing in a seamless way. If I focus on articulation, I forget to breathe well. If I focus on air, I tend to start biting. If I focus on dynamics, my fingering gets messy.

I am coming to peace with all these challenges. The oboe is not supposed to be easy anyway. I think (HOPE) that all of these things are normal hurdles. And that as long as I keep at it, I will slowly make progress.

Need to find my path again

Hi everyone! I hope that the new year is treating you well.

Though I haven't been writing as much as I'd like I do think about my blog on nearly a daily basis. I spend time thinking of posts that I would like to post, but never seem to get around to actually typing them. *sigh*

I'm afraid that things have been going slowly for me and Luna the past month. That's part of why I've been reluctant to post. I wish I could be saying that I can play the Schumann Romances now, but alas, I am still working on my Marcello. None of it is really ready yet, but I have recently started working on the third movement at half speed. By the way, what is the average amount of time that people spend on any given piece?

This past month has been my absolute worse in terms of practicing. I have been struggling majorly to practice every day. I never had this problem before. Yeah, I did procrastinate but I'd eventually get it done. Now I am taking off way more days than I'd like to. I fear that other things are distracting me from my oboe studies. Hopefully I can get back on track soon. I've had two decent practices in a row last night and tonight. If I can manage to do a few more consecutively then perhaps I can fall back into my previous rhythm.

I think that part of my problem is that I am still unhappy about my embouchure and sound production. Try as I may I can be consistent about it. My corners tend to creep up when I'm tired or too concentrated on difficult music. A part of me doesn't want to allow me to play anything fun until I GET the embouchure. Another part of me feels this is unreasonable and feels that I should continue to play music and have faith that eventually all the pieces will start to fall together. Isn't that how kids learn anyway? No child would play an instrument if they were only allowed to do long tones and slow scales for YEARS until the embouchure was perfected. Am I right or wrong about this?

I guess it's just frustrating because I am pretty sure that my sound has taking a few steps back while other aspects of my playing improved somewhat. It's tough to take a hit in the sound department since that is the whole reason I am playing this instrument. I am trying to re-commit myself to my practice because only through that will my sound get back on track. And once that happens I can give all of myself to practicing my music. Right now my Marcello feels like a guilty pleasure and I think I am holding back and purposely not studying as well as I could/should.

Any thoughts?

Still here

I got my yearly cold very early this year. It started on January 2nd and lasted 8 days. Today is the first day that I feel totally well again. Needless to say I didn't practice every day last week and am now trying to get back into shape. *sigh* My teacher was very nice about my having to cancel last week's lesson. She said I shouldn't feel down because of not being able to practice while sick. She said that even professionals have periods like that and all you do is just work yourself back up to it. No one is always "on". Everyone goes through rough spots. Well, she didn't say it in those words, but however she said it it calmed me down. It's so hard to stay patient. Losing all those days and falling behind hurts when you want to be playing so much better than you do. But she's right, all I can do is start moving forward again. Even if I did take a few steps back.

By the way, those high fingerings are making me feel like a complete newb! Could they have made them any harder???? Maybe we should play with our toes too. Sheesh.

It's a psychological struggle every day with these notes. I've never felt clumsier in my entire life! Part of me feels like I will NEVER be able to play these notes. It's especially hard to press two keys at once (see high E) with my twisted pinkies. I should take a picture of them for you. I was born with VERY twisted pinkies. This is not a huge problem on my right hand but it's very taxing on the left, given all the keys that that pinky is supposed to control. Maybe I should get them operated. Oh well, more on that later. I'm going to go play WoW now.

2007 Meme

Happy New Year to everyone! May your lives be full of blessings this year and always.


New Year's Meme

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Assisted on a surgery.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I kept most of them, sort of. Let's just say that most of my resolutions are "in progress". I am hopeful that things will move along further this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my friend Alcira had a baby girl

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. I haven't been away anywhere since 2004.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More discipline to do what needs to get done, primarily practice, study, work out, and keep the house clean.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Yikes, the only one standing out right now is August 25th. That's when my mother-in-law went back to DR and when my kittens were born. Oh we also went to Shea Stadium for the first time that night and had a ton of fun.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing the post-bacc premed program at Columbia with a pretty decent average.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making it into the Wind Ensemble.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick for the entire month of March with some VERY nasty conjunctivitis, the flu, sore throat, and stomach problems.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
TiVO!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband. He's really stepped up to the plate to help me with things around the house and with bills/paperwork.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Dad for being reckless like always. Mom for not sticking up for herself. My brother for making himself a victim and not working on improving his life. Though I must mention that he did also have a major achievement in 2006, one that will allow him to get his Associates this June.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The mortgage.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new oboe teacher, participating in the pit orchestra for that musical, booking our upcoming vacation, TiVo, and my new iPod.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) a tiny bit sadder because I miss some people who are gone or are soon to be gone
b) 2 lbs lighter. I reached 10% of my goal. LOL!
c) technically richer because I'm working again but my salary sucks

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise. Practice. Read. Pray.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Cook and clean. Gotten angry. Procrastinated.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
In 2007? Who knows? Maybe I'll be more into it this year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes, with my new kittens. I'm already in love with my husband JC and my oboe.

22. How many one-night stands?
None. Ever. I feel so deprived.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try not to have hate in my heart. That being said, several people annoyed the heck out of me last year and will likely continue to do so into 2007.

25. What was the best book you read?
Yikes. I am embarrassed to admit what I read this year.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quartetto Gelato (thanks Patty!)

27. What did you want and get?
An iPod (sorry, Terminal)

28. What did you want and not get?
An English Horn. *sniff sniff*

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
X-Men, the Last Stand

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday was the most low-key ever. I turned 32.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting into a musical group.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Tried to look a bit more well put together. Less t-shirts and more tailored blouses.

33. What kept you sane?
My oboe.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Eric Bana is still my man. Though Hugh Jackman and Patrick Dempsey did it for me too this year.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Don't really want to go there.

36. Who did you miss?
My mommy who's now living in another country.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Dr. Singh and Yobany at work.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
It's not about waiting to figure out what the "best" decision could be. It's about taking control of your live and just living it.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"And I think to myself . . . what a wonderful world . . ."


In 2007:
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Only if I decide not to pursue medical school.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Nope.

3. New house?
No, we just refinanced.

4. What will you do different in 07?
Exercise, practice, and study more. I will need to keep better tabs on my time.

5. New Years resolution?
See #4.

6. What will you not be doing in 07?
The baby thing is still up in the air and looks unlikely right now. But things can change.

7. Any trips planned?
Hell yeah!! Another Caribbean cruise. This one will be Eastern Caribbean and we'll be leaving from NYC. I also hope to make the IDRS conference. There is a possible trip to PA to meet some online gaming friends, another possible trip to NC to meet a church friend who relocated, and perhaps a trip to GA for my sister-in-law's Airborne training graduation. Oh, and I might have to pick up my Mom in DR. And there's always that San Fran trip I keep meaning to take.

8. Wedding plans?
My good friend Luisa is getting married in October.

9. Major thing on your calendar?
The MCAT on May 25th!

10. What can't you wait for?
Getting closer to my ideal weight
Playing oboe in a group on a regular basis
Finally deciding either to apply to med school or to definitely give it up

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
For me to get less involved in other peoples' problems

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
See #11. I hope to become more disciplined. It's the only way I will come close to having it all.

13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen?
My brother passed the CPE! (I really hope he doesn't read this blog anymore.)

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
If possible, yes.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06?
If I lose this weight I will. My husband has been warned already!

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
Drinking is not an important part of my life. I drink a glass of wine a month on average.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
Actually, I mean to distance myself a bit from the parents. We need to stop trying to solve all of their problems. It would be nice if we could but it's too much pressure and a bit unfair to us. We'll love them just the same though. In terms of the other relatives I just hope I have more time to spend with them.

18. Will you do charity work?
Hopefully.

19. Will you go to bars?
Perhaps for our rock music gigs. Or for a friend's birthday.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I always am (even though I'm a New Yorker)

21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
I'm very hopeful; I feel that things are moving in the right direction now.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I'm a bit more stressed out now but I feel more satisfied because I am doing less and less things I don't want to be doing.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
It's a possibility which depends on several other things. . .

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I sure hope so!

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Nothing major.

26. Will you be moving?
Not yet.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06?
That I don't lose any weight. That my career plans go stale.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I'm going to party like it's 1999. Maybe next year we will go to one of those pre-organized parties I keep meaning to go to.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Yes, *smoooch*

30. One wish for 07?
For the powers that be to take global warming more seriously. For me to make a definitive career decision. And for me to get into a musical group. Oh wait, that was three wishes.

Wisdom gained

I had a good lesson with J Wednesday evening. The first thing we did was go over reed tying. I had started loosening up on the tension and my reeds were turning out somewhat loose. This was causing problems with overtying to compensate and with leakage. We also reviewed knife sharpening on a block (as opposed to ceramic sticks) and I got some lingering scraping questions answered.

After that we spent time on embouchure. I've had ongoing issues with this (which I'm sure has been somewhat frustrating for my teachers). We ended up having a nice conversation about what my motivations for reverting back to a wrong embouchure could be. For some reason I was spending a lot of time "readying" my embouchure before even putting the reed in my mouth to play. J helped me understand that the embouchure doesn't really begin until we start playing and that all those readying efforts are a waste of energy and tend to make me overly nervous. She made me see that it's ok if the note is not perfect from the get-go, that that's why we want flexibility in our embouchures so that we can adjust it. She also helped me see that my ears are perfectly capable of discerning whether the note is sounding well or not. This may all sound subtle or obvious but it's actually a paradigm shift in my playing. I had been in "helpless" mode where once a note was sounding I judged it as good or bad but didn't really think of it as mutable. If reeds were acting up some day and things were sounding bad I would think "oh poor me" rather than "what can I do to make this better". I feel that this is going to help me tremendously with my line problem because now I will think of my playing as dynamic. Rather than be a passive process where the music happens to me and the instrument is controlling me, I want to be the "driver of the bus" as J says. These insights came at the perfect time because as I mentioned before control will be the theme of my third year of oboe study. Before I had only a vague notion of what this would mean. Slowly it's becoming clearer.

The final subject we talked about was vibrato. We only talked about it a little bit. She reiterated the exercise she had given me the last time and explained that while I may be doing vibrato now without it, it will help me gain control of my vibrato. There's that word again! I just hope it all clicks some day.

********

So, I've been having issues with rushing my practice sessions. I suspect that this may be a common problem for adult amateurs. Now that I am over the stage where I wasn't producing sound consistently and am able to bungle through music, I tend to just want to only play "real" stuff. Gone are the days where I would patiently spend an hour on just long tones and slow scales. Now I do a few long tones and some fast but sloppy scales and then start playing music. This is exactly what I didn't want to do, but here I am doing this almost on a daily basis. Part of why I wanted a method book is that they have little etudes which are somewhat satisfying to play but also deal with technical issues.

I realized that the solution is not to revert back to only long tones and play no music at all. What I really need to do, and should have done a while back, is double my daily practice time. I have the endurance to do it now. And a lot of days I have the motivation too. I've just been too disorganized and lazy to get it to work. This morning I tried something I hadn't done in a few months: I practiced in the morning. My morning practice session turned out to be an hour long and I did long tones and slow scales exclusively. Contrary to the weary feeling this gives me in the evening, it actually felt quite good first thing in the morning. It helped me wake up! And my E major scale was all the better for it.

Now when I get home I can look forward to a second practice session which will be all "real" playing. Rather than procrastinate until 10PM when I am too tired I think I will want to jump right into it because I perceive that type of practice as not being drudgery. Woohoo! I think this might work. As long as I can get up at 7AM ...

I've recruited my husband to help me with this because I really feel strongly that this is the only way that I will continue to progress. An hour a day is not enough anymore. My progress has slowed to a crawl and I'm just not addressing all the issues I need to address on a daily basis. I'll let you all know how it's going.

In case I don't have time to write again this weekend: I want to wish everyone all the best for the holidays! *hugs*