Keeping busy

Is it normal for my lip muscles to feel sore? I played for a little over 2 hours today! WOOT! My reeds were not cooperating at all. The one that usually sounds flat, but played very much in tune on Wednesday, is back to being flat. I swear the thing is a hygrometer. As long as we're under 40% humidity it plays fine. The only reed that was responding easily is the one that tends to play sharp. I only did a few long notes because I don't like doing too many of those unless I can tune them up well. I practiced scales for a bit even though the three lowest notes tend to not respond on that reed. At that point I took a break. Then I went back and reviewed my scales (C, G, D, A, F, B-flat, and E-flat - just major today). After that I decided I wanted to just play stuff that I liked but is still too hard for me. I did that for over an hour.

The first thing I tinkered with was Brahms' Third Symphony. I purchased the second oboe score the other day just for kicks. Right now this is my favorite symphony so I wanted to be able to play along with it. Figuring that even if I ever do make it to an (amateur) orchestra I'll probably not be principal I thought it safer to purchase the second oboe part. Gosh it's hard to follow along. You have to read perfectly. It was difficult to follow even when the passages weren't technically challenging. For the third movement I peeked at my mini score because I really wanted to play the solo there; it's simple yet hauntingly beautiful. I really like the counter melody (downward arpeggios) that the first flute and oboe play near the very end when the strings take up the theme. The tutti at the very end is fun too. Brahms is da' bomb!

After that I ventured into the territory of Mozart's Sinfonia Concertante (the wind one). I actually did better with this one that the Brahms. Since it's sort of like a concerto the oboe parts stand out and I've memorized what they sound like so the sheet music is easier to read. I was playing a bit sharp because of the silly reed but I was surprised to be able to follow it a bit more than the last time I attempted it some months ago. That's excluding the third movement which has some pretty mean variations.

I probably should have stuck to my exercises but I just felt that I needed a break to remind myself why it is that I'm doing this in the first place.

I MUST finish the two reeds I'm working on tomorrow!! MUST MUST MUST!

Cimarosa on my mind

Ahhhh I have the intro to Cimarosa's "Concerto for Oboe and String in C Minor" on my mind. What a lovely melody. And my two favorite chord progressions are featured in the first 30 seconds.

Yes, the oboe still pierces my heart and fills me with a feeling of warm, liquid electricity. I thank God that I've found something that brings such rapture to my life.

I'm going to go hear that movement again now. Ciao!

Nice week so far

If I had known how happy quitting my job made me I would have done it a long time ago. Ever since I broke the news to my manager I've been feeling increasing better. I've now had several great days in a row. I just feel so free and alive. Like I'm ready to take on the world. I wanted to capture this feeling in writing because once I'm knee deep in Organic Chemistry I will have forgotten what all the excitement was like. But for now I will enjoy it. I am elated at taking control of my life. Soon I will no longer be spending almost 10 hours of every day doing something I don't care for.

I had another lovely drive in. I *will* miss that somewhat. But then again I can always just drive up for fun. The weather was in the low 70's and about 50% humidity. It was wonderful to drive with the windows all down.

My practices have been pretty good for the last three nights (quartet rehearsal was cancelled last night). I've gotten close to the 2 hour mark each day. Though it would be best if I did this in two sessions so I can rest my lips. Last night I played on a different reed, one that had felt too hard all the prior days. Maybe the less humid conditions helped. Last night it was the only reed that would play in tune. The others were all sharp. Tonight I need to do more scales because yesterday I spent almost all my technique time on long notes and slow intervals. Last night I did reward myself with two pieces at the end. But by then my mouth was so tired! Maybe I should do one piece at the beginning and one at the end.

I think I'm making progress. I'm really praying that my teacher will confirm this on Sunday. By starting all over again I am better able to work on ALL aspects of music at the same time (since the music is way easier). So rather than rushing through the beginning exercises simply because I happen to be able to finger them ok, I am concentrating on getting more things correctly this time around: my posture, my breathing, my embouchure, articulation, intonation, sound, and dynamics. The result is that now my playing sound more musical. Or at least I think (and hope) it does. Maybe I should record it again. But then again that usually tends to discourage me.

I called my first teacher yesterday because he had left messages on both my cell phone and my home phone. I'm now wondering if maybe I should have been more clear about what I wanted to get from him. But that's so unlike me to make demands, especially of an older male figure. I feel bad because he's concerned and wants to help me out with reeds and stuff. He's really kind, but I just feel I am getting so much more from my new teacher. I hope he's not sad but I told him that I won't be taking lessons for the time being due to school. Hopefully after some months have gone by I will have the guts to tell him that I started attending a new school (for logistical reasons, of course - errr, to be closer to school). I'm such a wuss. Why can't I just say the truth? But I'd hate to cause someone who helped me a lot any pain.

Tuesday morning ramblings

One of the silly things I enjoy doing is playing "Guess the Composer" while I listen to the Classical station. The other day I was listening to something and after about a minute I had decided it was most likely Haydn. So when the piece finished and the announcer said that we had just been listening to one of Haydn's five hundred thousand symphonies (actually it was number 73 - "La Chasse"), I threw my hands up in the air and let out a hearty "YAY!". Thank goodness I was stopped at a red light. That 100 grand education was good for something.

Then yesterday I ran across this site again. It was one of those sites I visited during my oboe/clarinet debate. A few seconds after I started listening to the English Horn sound clip I realized I now recognized this piece. "Why this is Berlioz's Roman Carnival Overture" though I. And sure enough it is. Tee hee. Fun!

Oh, by the way, I unofficially gave notice at the jail, I mean the job, last week. I too am leaving Cubicle Land (tm - Waterfall)!! My sentence was for a little over 8 years. I am still in denial. I can't believe I am finally going to leave! It's funny because I told my friend that I felt that everything was moving so fast now and she reminded me that I had only been considering leaving for the last 5 years or so. Oops. My last day should be August 26th. The reason I gave leave so early was that I asked for leave first. Once I'm done with this year at school I have to wait another year before entering dental school. So I was open to coming back here for that time to work. So I asked for a 9 month leave. This was denied because company policy allows leaves of 6 months or less. Oh well. So now the managers all now that I am going to school full-time for a "premed" program. A part of me feels quite sure that I will not be returning here ever. It was so darn hard to leave that I think I'll just take my chances with some crappy part-time job during the application year.

My first teacher just left me a voice mail. I had been procrastinating on sending him that Thank You/Good Bye card. Yikes. Now I'm going to *have* to talk to him over the phone. This sucks. I also keep having these scary thoughts that my new teacher will ditch me. Maybe she will not want to deal with a needy adult beginner. I would be so sad. Maybe that's why I haven't sent in that card. But I just can't go back to playing hard pieces when I know how much of the fundamental stuff I still need to get good at. I really shouldn't be playing the stuff I was playing for another year or two.

I've been working very hard on the embouchure and sound since my last lesson. I was unhappy with how I did and really wish to impress my new teacher. I hope she will be able to see some progress. I feel better. The new embouchure is feeling more natural and I think my lips are starting to build up again. I had been able to hold a long note for nearly an average of 26 seconds with my old embouchure. Then when I switched I was barely getting to 10 seconds. Now I'm back up to 16-24 depending on where the note is. Those high ones require more air! I wish I could see an X-ray of what the mouth looks like on the inside when your embouchure is correct. I'm still afraid that it needs to be more open or maybe it's my throat. My tone is not quite singing yet. But I do think the notes are a bit more centered.

My scales are improving! God, is this the area where improvement is the slowest or something? I have such a long way to go still on my metronome. I feel like I've been at 60 for months and months. Yesterday I moved my C major scale up to 66. I've been working a lot of my reed position, especially for some of the notes that are harder to tune. Like my A's tend to be flat unless I'm very conscious about my air speed and reed position. But the G's right next to them are usually sharp. As are D's. I played A to D and it sounded like a tritone at one point LOL! The E's and F's in the middle register can sound stuffy if I disregard air speed. My high C sounded so much better last night. It felt at least a tiny bit "brilliant" for a change. And my A's weren't flat on the way down like they usually are.

I am trying so hard to make the scale sound more musical. I know that when I played them for my teacher last class she didn't seem very happy with them. I think they sounded very mechanical. I called them robotic. She played scales for me and they sounded like a concerto. So I'm trying to relax and let the music come through.

Ok the one thing I am SURE has improved is my C scale in thirds. For some reason C major was giving me more trouble than some nearby keys like F, B-flat, G, and D. It was even harder than A and E. What the hey? Actually I think it had something to do with the saxophone. Scales in thirds was one of the things I most worked on as a saxophonists because they were very useful for playing my merengue jaleos (Pretty good article about merengue here). C major has in it both of the fingerings that are most different between sax and oboe: F natural, and the whole B/C thing in the middle. I kept fumbling on that but last night I was able to do my C major in thirds at the same speed that I did the regular scale. Another thing was that I tried to not think about it and just let my fingers go. Amazingly they knew where to go to all on their own! How do you get to the point where you trust them? It was scary for me last night to not be trying work it out in my head. But I have to let go of that because there is no way I can think C-E, D-F, E-G, F-A quickly enough to play fast AND pretty. I guess that's what practicing is for. :-)

What else did I do last night? I did some minor scales as well. And my interval studies from the new method I'm working on (Niemann/Labate). Oh and I even threw in some arpeggios for good measure. I hadn't been actively studying arpeggios because they were sounding so absolutely horrible. But I guess the thirds practicing is helping so that now they sound a bit better (I just need to work on the fourths).

My last few practices have been over an hour which is good. I'm able to play a bit longer again. Last night I even squeezed in some music. I bought Elaine Douvas' Solos for the Intermediate Players. By the way these are some high level intermediate players because it all seemed a lot harder than most of the other "intermediate" level stuff I've seen. Maybe I'm just being pickier with myself now. I just don't want to play things that are so technically challenging that I can't make them sound nice. I rather play easier things and work on them sounding good than be playing hard stuff while sounding like an out of tune duck. Anyway so I played Nielsen's Romance from that book as it was arguably the only piece I could sort of play comfortably. The piece is quite lovely and has some nice intervals for me to practice. I just realized that my half hole must be getting better because I don't have to think about it as much.

I think I'm going to get the Beginner version of those books.

It's hard to start practicing every day, but once I assemble the instrument and put the reed in my mouth I'm usually fine. My last few practices have gone better so I'm starting to enjoy practicing again. This is good. I might still be able to work up to two hours a day by September!

Oh it's eleven. I guess I should start working.

An expert beginner

A dear friend told me something very insightful which really got me thinking. She said that she admired that I wasn't afraid of being a beginner in things; I wasn't afraid to start something new. It's weird because I am someone who doesn't like change but since I do love learning I am definitely more than willing to try something new. I've dabbled at a lot of things in my life so far and I usually start them with at least some degree of confidence. However, I tend to burn out long before the finish line and never quite make it to the top levels in any activity. This, I realize, was what had been bothering me about two years ago right before I finally made a turn for the better. Back then, however, I couldn't quite articulate what it was that was bothering me. I simply knew that I was dissatisfied with myself. Now I know that I was tired of not being really good at anything.

I danced ballet for 13 years and modern dance/jazz for about 5. I was decent enough to pass a musical theatre audition my first year in college. But I don't think I was ever very good. I'd say I was probably average. I was naturally flexible and had strong legs, which helped. But my weak, double-jointed ankles made it very difficult to do much on toe shoes. I also believe I lacked in subtle areas like grace and expression. But, hey, I can dance a mean merengue!

I've done martial arts on an off since 1990. I think I was pretty darn good at it (better than at dancing).


Yet I never achieved the highest goal there: black belt. Maybe some day.

Here at work it's more of the same thing. I manage to scrape by because whenever I want to I can force myself to think quickly and make up for time spent on other things (*cough cough*). So they haven't quite caught on to the fact that I could be SO much better at this than I am. At least here I don't really care to be the best since I don't like what I do.

The thing I had always been the best at was school. My life was turned around when I was unable to keep up with the competition undergrad. I was used to being the proverbial big fish in a small pond. That was all over when I entered Columbia in 1992. Within a year my faulty study methods did me in and I was demoted to the level of "average". It has taken all these years for me to get over the wound to my self-esteem. My current success in this postbacc program has helped a lot in this regard. Let's just hope I can keep it up this year.

Anyway, where I am going with this is that now I see why school was always in the back of my mind all these years. My Type A-ness would not allow me to settle for not being good at anything even though I was living a pretty comfortable life. That's why I've always felt the pull towards graduate studies and the "doctor" title. I would have finally "won" at something. It's been quite frustrating to be sort of good at a lot of things and not really good at anything. I'm not ashamed to admit that I had been thinking that way because now I feel that I am motivated by things other than prestige. Maybe that's why it is now that I can finally commit to something. Prestige alone won't get you through the long training.

Of all areas of my life music is the one most afflicted by my eternal beginner phenomenon. At age 7 my mom took me to guitar lessons for a few weeks. I keep forgetting that. I told her I was bored because all we did was the same thing (an E major chord). So she took me out of the class. I just wanted to do more chords! Oh well. Then at age 9 (4th grade) I picked up the recorder. I don't remember how this happened or who the teacher was. I believe it was some sort of after school program. I played recorder for about a year or two and then the program ended I think. Either that or I became more involved in dance recitals. At age 14 or so I started those informal piano lessons. I had a wonderful time chatting with my teacher, an elegant middle-aged lady who I looked up to. I did learn a few pieces but I was not a pianist by any stretch of the imagination. When I started college I did mean to pick up an instrument seriously. But I didn't realize they didn't take on beginners. And I was in for another shock when the kids my age were already playing like pros. I took a few keyboard courses that were required for my major and it was also at this time that I started playing the electric bass by ear at church. I don't play much better now than I did back then when I started. Well, the only difference is that I no longer have to write the notes down for myself since I can follow the chords by ear. Woohoo! Ok how many instruments am I bad at at this point? Four. In 1996 I decided the saxophone will be it. I will finally be good at something! I started off well. For two years I attended weekly lessons and practiced almost daily. In hindsight it was again an average effort but compared to what I had done before I felt like I was really going hard. I improved a lot and reached a level of "chops" unknown to me previously. But I was restless to start playing in an ensemble and rather than continue concentrating on my chops I started playing in merengue groups. It was difficult at first but with time I learned to just practice my repertoire really well and I got great at faking it. I was starting to impress other musicians but little did they know that I ONLY knew how to play the songs I had practiced. Yes the merengue scene did change for the worse but I suspect that at least part of the reason that I stopped playing was that I was fed up with the faking. I wanted to be good at the instrument not just happen to be able to play x number of songs.

It wasn't until I had started feeling better about myself in other areas of my life (school and weight) that I was able to open up to music again. This time I knew things were different. I had finally admitted to myself that music is my first love. And I was finally mature enough to commit myself to serious practice. I knew that I would have to work hard to reach my goals; there would be no short cuts this time around. Of course by now my life was quite complicated which meant that my hours of practice would be limited. But I knew that I could now do what I couldn't do before. And so I decided I would go for it even if it took me 20 years.

I will never reach the highest levels in music, I am well aware of that. But I will aim for it regardless and take my training very seriously. Aiming for the very top will get me as far as possible. I *will* be a good oboist some day, darn it!!

Oboe updates

I have been unable to make many musical entries lately but rest assured that I am still quite involved in my musical pursuits.

In case I haven't already mentioned it or hadn't made it clear, I have a new teacher. It's going very well so far I think. She's an amazing player. I just love listening to her play. At my last lesson she demonstrated some scales and even those were beautiful to listen to. Her sound is really lovely, even up in the high register (where mine is still mousy). She is also very intelligent and perceptive. She was able to pick up that I had been horsing around with my practicing lately. I had been playing every day but I was sort of only half there. She was firm with me about how I should be practicing and it was just what I needed. I've been better able to concentrate on what I'm doing this week. My scales are becoming more even and I think the sound is improving again. My problem remains endurance (which took a nosedive since I changed my embouchure) and time. I really want to work up to 2 hours a day but it might not happen until I am done with work and back at school. And even then I am counting on being able to snag a few practice room slots for the semester. Luckily I will have Friday completely off so that will be my time to catch up on reeds.

One thing I noticed is that I'm more inspired to practice if I'm frequently listening to orchestral music. It's true that you need to have a sound that you want to model. For me, listening to stuff on my way home gets me in the mood to practice. I start yearning to be a part of it all and that makes it easier to do those long tones and scales. So long to that summer music I was dancing to! My new teacher has been making me CDs which is nice. Last time she gave me a recording of Albrecht Mayer playing the Schumann Romances. It was interesting to compare his playing to Allen Vogel's.

Maybe I just thrive under stess or something. I was practicing more (and working out more) when I was in school. Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm not sure yet if there is woodwind quartet rehearsal tonight; I will have to email the gang. The rehearsals are going pretty well. We're getting more familiar with the music and now we will try to work on the nuances. JC attended our rehearsal last week and took some pics.

Here I am being all smiley before we start. Notice the mirror and the tuner on my stand. I have to make sure I'm doing things right! By the way, if I smile any harder my face would crack.


This is us in action. Check out my wonder dimple! Do I look like a real oboist yet?


Fun!!

Dentoboist

I really need to stop making weekly digests because I fear I'm alienating my few readers with these long posts. I will attempt to keep this short and sweet. I just need to write at least some of it down so that then I can resume my regularly scheduled program of describing my attempt at becoming an oboist.

So I made it through my dental internship unscathed. In fact, it turned out much better than I ever expected. Never did I seriously think that I would emerge from it with my decade old question answered. What do I mean? What I'm trying to say is that I may just be on the way to becoming a "dentoboist". Get it? Dentist AND Oboist.

I don't think that things would have worked out this way several years ago. But hey, the past is the past. I've been telling myself that there really is no predestined path in life, that we must make it as we go. Right now this choice makes way better sense than anything else I've come up with. Yes, Medicine was secretly my dream job. But nowadays I liken it to a beautiful Monet painting which someone has desecrated by cutting into it with a knife and writing over it with a red permanent marker. It's a wonderful vocation that has been tainted by the insurance companies, litigation, etc. Dentistry is more like a pretty watercolor that is framed in lovely wood and hung perfectly centered. It doesn't draw you in immediately but once it does you find beauty and serenity in it.

If you can't already tell I am very critical of pretty much everything. I guess it's my little bit of OCD. Yet last week I was unable to find any glaring defects in the profession that I was investigating. The people I met were all ideal colleagues. They were intelligent yet not snobbish. All were charismatic. I will never forget my impression when we first visited the undergraduate clinic (where the 3rd and 4th year students practice). It felt like something out of a movie. The set up was reminiscent of cubicle land because there are many stations side by side like that. However everywhere I looked I saw harmonious interactions going on between teachers and students, students and students, and students and patients. Everyone (even the patients!) was smiling. It was such a wonderfully cooperative environment that I expected for them to go into a spontaneous rendition of "Kumbayah" at any moment. Of all the things I saw this week that had the biggest impact. The environment was precisely the type of environment I envisioned whenever I thought of an ideal career.

Other things I liked:

At Columbia, the first two years of the curriculum are the same as in the medical school. In fact the dental students take their classes along with the medical students. I've long said that I wish I could just learn all the stuff but without the hassles of being a medical doctor. Well, here's a chance to learn it all and then use it to do something else. Some may see this as a negative because it makes the dental school experience even harder, but I see all this learning as a big positive. Wait until I'm studying for all that though ...

One of the things I hate about my current job is the feeling that what I do is completely meaningless and that the hours I spend there are a complete waste of my time and existence. Dentistry involves a lot of detailed work with your hands. There is no way I would feel bored under those circumstances. Instead, I would get really absorbed with my task and would pay close attention to getting all the details correct. The interesting thing is that it wasn't until after I picked up the oboe that I realized how much I enjoyed doing things with my hands.

Dentistry is a very versatile career. You can decide to go directly into private practice. You can work under someone else. You can be affiliated with a hospital clinic. You can go into research and/or teaching. There is currently a severe shortage of dental faculty. I've long seen teaching as part of my ideal career. It would be very easy to work this in or possibly make it the focus of my career should I so decide. There are many professionals who are doing a little bit of everything and this helps keep things fresh (because I'm sure root canals CAN get boring after a decade or two).

Along with the prior one, you have the option of having your own business. I had never considered this seriously because I don't have much on an entrepreneurial spirit in me. But as I've gotten older I've come to appreciate the advantages of being a business owner. Though I can't say I want to do this right now, I will at least have the option to should I so choose.

It goes without saying that it was intoxicatingly wonderful to be back in my old neighborhood. Even if I were somewhere else in Manhattan it would still be so much better than where I am now. Suburban CT is just not for me.

Gadgets!! I am a (pseudo) programmer after all so I do love technology. There is a lot of research going on regarding the use of technology in dentistry. There are tons of cool gadgets (even lasers!) out there that one can incorporate into their practice. This is cool to me from both a user perspective and potentially from a developer perspective.

Less stressful lifestyle. This key question was clarified for me this week. At Columbia the first two years of dental school would actually be slightly MORE stressful than medical school because you're doing the full medical curriculum PLUS dental lab work. However the last two years are a lot less stressful than the clinical years of medical school. And residency and beyond are better for dentists too. I know it will be difficult but no one I met had that desperate look in their eyes due to their career having taken over everything. Everyone seemed to have found a nice balance for themselves. For example, it is relatively easy to become a part-time dentist. There are economic implications but you can easily work a schedule like that. It is also much easier to combine research, practice, and teaching as a dentist. You don't have to also get a PhD. You do come out with a huge debt so I guess there will be pressure to do what brings in the most money. But I think that even if you did dive head first into practice you still would have some free time.

Treatment does not consist of prescribing strong drugs which might fix one thing but break another.

The "healing touch" -> You can provide instant relief of symptoms.

I am sure that some of my impressions may have been specific to Columbia so I will need to look into the other schools as well.

I am trying very hard not to over think this (like what happened with medicine). I felt wonderful the entire week that I was there and immensely enjoyed the hands-on activities (we carved out some fake teeth and worked on a dental simulator). I don't think that I should tempt fate by looking for something even better when I was unable to find any big negatives with this.

As I've said before I already have my true passion and that hasn't changed. Music and my little oboe are still my big passion. I'm now convinced that however long and painful my journey of self-discovery has been, everything is now working out for the best. I had to find my oboe passion first because it has helped me learn a lot about myself. It also freed me up to think about my career in a more objective fashion. Before I was expecting my career to satisfy my every need. I am now better able to take a look at my needs without emotional baggage getting in the way. Now I have my music passion on the one side and I also have a need to find a career that incorporates science, community service, and teaching while not taking over my life. I think I can definitely enjoy a dental career yet keep it in perspective; I will be able to give it as much space as it needs but can back off after that. This should allow me to still pursue my musical goals (though it might be hard for a couple of years). In the end I am fairly confident that I can become a successful and happy dentoboist.

Midnight Confessions

No, this post won't be erotica ... just some late night rambling about things that are on my mind.

I'm sitting under the hair dryer right now getting my hair ready for my first day of the Dental internship. I found a cute little article about Dominican hair stylists here. My hair is naturally curly and while it doesn't require chemical straightening I do endure a long process to get it straight. It looks nice curly but it gets so tangled that I can't stand it. Straightening it out creates a longer lasting style and no knots. I have my own dryer at home and huge rollers. I learned to do them on my own head back in college. It takes about 20 minutes to get all my hair done. Then I sit under the dryer for an hour. The result is soft waves as in the third picture from the top (my hair is just a tad bit shorter than that girl's right now). After that I proceed to the official "blowout" where I use a blowdryer to pull the soft waves straight. Voila!

As I suspected Columbia is very disorganized and the Dental Internship is no different. I received no word from the program since the initial acceptance letter. When I called the office last Friday the Director himself picked up which threw me completely off guard (I have phone phobia). Thankfully I had written out what I would say so I was able to pull of a conversation of sorts, but it was pretty painful. Today I finally got word from the assistant (though I already knew everything after my conversation with the director). I hope the rest of the program is better put together.

I have a feeling I'm expecting too much from it. Part of it might be that I'm pressuring myself to "figure it all out" by the end of the week. The decade long career question, that is. I am just fed up with my indecision and feel that maybe some tough love is what I need. In all seriousness, I am hoping that at the very least I will be able to decide whether I hate Dentistry or whether I'm still intrigued enough by it to continue researching it as a possible career choice. If the latter is true then I will likely be back in school full-time in September after all (I'm starting to miss studying. Go figure.). Otherwise I will be asking for part-time at work and postponing school for at least a year. So you see, while the decision I need to make this week is not so big in and of itself (do I hate Dentistry or no), the repercussions are huge. Either way I am supposed to have a major conversation with my manager at work in the next few weeks. I will either be asking for leave or asking to go part-time. The anxiety regarding this conversation is giving me the occasional palpitations. It will only get worse as the day nears.

I had a few good days at work this month. Because of my imminent serious conversation I've been trying to actually be efficient at work. The days go by so much quicker that way. It's too bad that at this point I am so done with the place that I can not function that way every day. Anyway ... I have to confess that those few good days made me doubt my decision to leave altogether. How silly that because of a few good days (after several bad weeks in a row) I am willing to just settle. "It's not so bad here after all" *smacks self* Of course it's bad there. How can I possibly think of spending another 30 years there? Actually I've come to realize that the problem is not the job nor the place nor the company, it's me. I'm the one who doesn't belong. A lot more people than I thought are actually happy there. They have found a place where they can earn a title and exert some power. I need something either more academic/intellectual or more people oriented. Or both, ideally. Which is why the health care field still seems to be where I need to end up. Of course I still adore my music. But it's an expensive little pastime. And we also have an expensive little townhouse. I need to make money. And it needs to not be painful. I need to feel that what I am doing means something. At least to me. And hopefully to other people too.

I had an interesting chat with a high school friend today. We both typed almost the same thought at the same time. Basically both of us are feeling a bit empty about not actively "giving back" to our communities. Both of us expressed a desire to expose youth to the greater world. You'd be surprised by how tiny the world some of these kids live in is. Some of them have never been to a zoo or a museum. Sometimes all you need is just to plant a tiny seed in them by letting them see that there are wondrous things out there for them to enjoy. That curiosity can mean the difference between success and failure. It can break their cycle of poverty and apathy. Ok now I'm really rambling. But I would really love to be involved in something like that.

Why am I so afraid of change?? It's silly but I feel like I have this huge weight on my shoulders right now. I feel that I am on the verge of making a breakthrough in terms of my agonizing decision. Yet while I am excited I am also very afraid. I am afraid of changing the things in my life that are currently working, especially the hubby and music. I guess I will have to keep praying for faith, wisdom, and guidance.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I dwell on my own stupid little dilemmas when there are so many people in the world with real problems. I should be thinking about that tragedy in London, but something inside tends to block it off. It's way too close to home. Ever since 9-11 a dark cloud hovers over my happy life. I am always afraid for my beloved hometown and all my loved ones there. Fear is always there in the background. Last night I had another nightmare about something bad happening. Mini bombs went off at some constructions sites in Manhattan and the structures fell to the street killing pedestrians and drivers. I was on the other side, in New Jersey, watching helplessly as the sun set and sky grew a dark, angry red. Huge beams fell on top of buses and fire engines. I was desperate to get in contact with my husband, my parents, and my brother, but I couldn't get through. I was on foot and nowhere near a bridge and I knew that I wouldn't be allowed across even if I could make it to one. It was all very terrifying.

It's weird because instead of driving me away from the City the 9-11 experience makes me want to be in the thick of it. I will not be happy with my job until I am working in Manhattan. God forbid if anything happens again I want to at least be on the same island as everyone I care about. I don't want to be stuck in Connecticut again, unable to talk to or get to my loved ones. Perhaps all we can do is pray for peace.

Whatever part of my psyche fears change needs to stop equating it with major disasters because it makes decision making even more difficult than it normally is for me. I have to stop thinking that I am going on a path of no return, or a path of certain unhappiness. I thought I was an optimist yet I have a hard time imagining that the life I want is possible. I wish I could feel comfortable giving things a try, especially when it's in regards to things that have been in my mind since I was a kid. I know that it would be better long-term that I at least go for something, even if later on I decide against it. Living with the "what-if's" might tear me apart. I just need to be confident that I can pick my life up if should I decide to change my mind down the road. I have to learn to see life as an adventure.

Things I was told

I've been meaning to write a long entry about my eventful day last Thursday but I've gotten so busy. I will try to recap everything that happened.

Things I learned at my first official lesson with JL:

Two of the four reeds I attempted were actually halfway decent. The one I thought was the best ended up being the worst.

I shouldn't scrape the tip to the same thickness throughout. It should be slightly thicker in the center and then taper off as you go to the sides.

Uni-tip = bright, screechy sound

My embouchure is "very close". *sigh of relief*

But I still need to work more on the sides of my mouth coming in better.

We went over a plan for me to attack scales. This was very helpful as I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing.

The correct breathing concept is anti-intuitive (apparently many things oboe are anti-intuitive).

I walked out of my lesson in a good mood. When I got to the subway station I didn't even care that I just missed a train. I sat down and started reading a book. Someone was playing violin pretty badly on my platform. I felt a bit sorry for the older gentleman as he struggled to get his melodies out (maybe he had a crappy instrument). Yet I was I was happy that music inspired him and that he was trying. So as I walked by him to get into the train I gave him a dollar. He thanked me in Spanish and that's when I realized he was a compatriot. He said that next time he'd let me play his violin. He must have mistaken my oboe case for a violin one? I was happy that I "made his day".

As I rode uptown I decided to get off a stop early so that I'd be forced to walk through the neighborhood in order to reach my Mom's. I hoped to bump into people I know (this happens VERY frequently). Or at the very least to enjoy the sights and sounds. Boy am I glad I did this. Just one block into my walk I passed by Coogan's and there was a fellow Incarnation School alum! We greeted each other and she informed me that the whole gang was in there meaning all the favorite teachers. Incarnation is a very special place to work at as is evidenced by the large number of teacher who stay there for decades. Apparently I had been invited to this shing ding but the invitation had gone to the wrong address. In addition to my favorite teachers one of my long time friends was there too. We ended up hanging out afterwards. What a wonderful reunion!

Here is all the advice I got in about two hours' time:

One teacher was alarmed that I had yet to work out my career decision. He reminded me of my age and also remarked that he does understand that the path I was originally on (high powered medical or research career) is very difficult to stay on for someone from my background. Now I could have taken this badly but I knew exactly what he meant. Folks were supportive of me while I was still a teenager, but as I've gotten older there is more pressure to assume the more traditional role of mother. Or to simply live a simpler life that allows more time for domestic pursuits. He was pushing for me to find something lucrative to do.

My fifth grade teacher, who I hadn't seen since ... ummm ... 5th grade, interjected and told me not to listen to teacher #1. She found her passion in cooking and was excited to hear about my musical pursuits. She said that I am right in trying to find something that I actually like and can see myself doing for many years to come.

The one time development office worker told me something along the same lines. She said that I had already "won" because I was happy. She said that many of those people who went on to pursue the high powered careers are miserable and that I have to worry ONLY about my happiness.

One teacher insisted that I was the smartest girl he ever taught. Then he reminded me who the smartest boy he ever taught us. And mentioned that he's now chief orthopedic surgeon at John's Hopkins or some other big name place. *sigh* Why is it that I seem to be the only high potential student to not have made anything special of myself?? ALL the people I used to compete with in school have left me in the dust. My grammar school friend is getting her PhD in Biomedical Engineering and everyone else is either a lawyer, doctor, or professor. Anyway this one teacher said there was a perfectly logical reason why I'm still vagabonding. He said to me "Hilda, you're an artist". Then he went on to say that he knew it all along but that he would have gotten killed by the administrators if he had strayed their best student away from the sciences. Hmm, thanks. I thought it strange that he said this and so I prodded him to elaborate. He said that I was always way too creative and charismatic to be able to lead that kind of single-track life that you need in order to succeed in the science careers. He reminded me of things from 1987-1988 and it was interesting to see how the real me did shine through back then. His comments made me think a lot because I do think that part of what makes me hesitate about committing to an intense program of study is definitely my perception that my essence will be limited. I will become less me in order to accommodate the career. Am I willing to do that? He bid me the best of luck with my musical pursuits and told me that he thinks I definitely found my true passion. The last thing he told me as I walked out the door was "To thine own self be true". And with those words from the Bard I will leave you for now.

Last night's rehearsal

Since it was raining last night traffic in the NYC metro area was a complete nightmare and we all showed up late for the 6:30 rehearsal. It does not matter how much precipitation there is, as long as there is some a significant percentage of drivers will forget how to drive and get into all sorts of (minor) accidents. We finally got underway at around 7:45 and decided afterwards that we'll make rehearsals from 8-10 from now on to give everyone time to eat dinner and battle traffic.

We had the least amount of breaks yet which meant that I was playing for nearly two and a half hours. By the end of it my cheeks and mouth area felt as though I had been holding a smile all day long. My intonation was pretty good for the first hour and a half or so and then I got a bit sharp as I tired. My reed made it all the way through the end of the rehearsal. What a champion! It's very old and it was hard to play lower notes soft on it. But it still sounded quite nice in the middle register. I was happy last night because I feel like I'm getting better at blending my sound with the others. My sound was strident at the first rehearsal. At one point I was afraid that playing in the quartet would distract me from the things I should be working on with the instrument, but in reality the group is helping me more than I imagined. I'm learning to be a part of an ensemble in a supportive environment. We're picking pieces that are within my reach so I can focus on things I hadn't focused on much before like sound blending, dynamics, articulation, and expression. Last night I realized I am most expressive when I not nervous and overthinking. At one point I got really inspired on a little solo and at the end of the piece the others all remarked that I had played it quite well. Teehee! It was so uplifting and wonderful. I know it's going to be so awesome once I can get consistent tone. I look forward to being able to really get into the music once I have the technical things down better. But see, even this early on I can have a few seconds of pure glory. This is good because it serves as a motivation to go back and do more long tones.

I was a bit wired when I got home. This tends to happen when I've been involved in music stuff during the day. My hyper state didn't last long and I was able to get to bed at a decent time. What a peaceful feeling to go to sleep after you've done something you're really passionate about during the day. I think I fell asleep with a satisfied smile on my face.

Oh! And I tried out the latest reed I'm working on and it actually sounded halfway decent last night. It's a little brassy sounding but it responds decently well in all registers and is close to being in tune. Unfortunately, I don't have much hope for the other three reeds I made. Perhaps tonight at my reed lesson this latest one will be adjusted to become the first self-made reed that I can actually play on. I'm crossing my fingers.

Surprise!

A few days after the end of our semester my little crew from Chemistry class, as well as the professor and TA, went out for dinner. There were maybe twelve of us total and we had a wonderful time and talked about all kinds of things. Throughout the semester we sat next to each other in class and had a lot of fun talking about science and making fun of each other.

At one point the conversation turned to what we were planning to do for the summer and one of the guys who knew about my musical pursuits (because I emailed him a lot during my clarinet vs. oboe debate) spoke up for me and said "I'm sure Hilda will be busy with her oboe all Summer". I flashed a kool-aid smile and said that I indeed hoped to spend as much time on music as I could. At that point one of the girls in the class turned to me and asked me about my musical activities so we talked about it for a little while. Prior to that I hadn't spoken to her as much as to the other people in the group. She told me that she had been playing piano pretty much all her life and was really intrigued by my story. She even offered to help out if I ever needed accompaniment or wanted to play with someone.

I didn't think much about it at the time but remembered her when I got my copy of the Oboe Solos book. As I mentioned before I was having trouble understanding the pieces and wanted to hear the accompaniment. I thought that maybe I should contact the pianist from Chemistry and offer to pay her a fee for recording some of the piano parts for me on a tape. I was a little shy about asking her because maybe she was busy or didn't really want to deal with a beginning oboist. Then I ended up getting busy with stuff myself so I never got around to writing that email.

This morning one of the guys from the group sent an email to everyone with a medical link. When I saw her name again I remembered about the piano stuff and decided to google her. That's when I almost snorted my orange juice as I laughed at myself. This is the girl from Chemistry class.

She kept her amazing musical career so well hidden! I would have never imagined. She always stood out but I figured it was because of her stunning looks. Little did I know. *giggle*

MIT Survey (thanks Patty!)

More on absolute pitch

After writing my previous entry I still didn't feel like working so I decided to look into perfect pitch some more.

The first thing I found led me to a study at UCSF. I hit on the link for the system sound test and was dismayed by how quickly the pitches are played. I felt like I could catch some but the speed was making me nervous. I also didn't like the sound of those pure tones.

I know that a part of me really wants to feel like I have this because in a weird way it would sort of justify my extreme devotion to music. It's sad that I still feel that I need to justify it. I guess a part of me hasn't completely given up on the whole "destiny" thing, feeling that I was born to do something. This is a silly line of thought because I'm going to do this even though I can't get into the NY Phil.

My next hit was on wikipedia. This sentence stuck out: A person with absolute pitch will be able to, at minimum, know when a piece isn't played in its original key.

DING! I scored a point. It annoys my husband to no end that I am constantly correcting him in regards to what key he's playing something in. He always says "but it's the same thing". And I say "no, it's not!".

Wikipedia has redeemed me:

Persons who have absolute pitch, but who do not have strong musical training, will seem annoyed or unnerved when a piece is transposed to a different key . . .

They may feel that such a piece does not have the intrinsic beauty of music, and in some cases will be physically uncomfortable . . .

I knew I wasn't just being annoying, anal, or crazy. It just bothers me to hear it in the wrong key; you should see me scrunch my face disapprovingly. It definitely loses some of its beauty.

This part was also interesting because it reminds me of what I just wrote about with my struggles with melodic dictation. I need to further develop my relative pitch.

They may have a harder time developing relative pitch than others, and for many musical tasks like transposition, lack of training in relative skills can trip up a musician with absolute pitch, who will attempt to use their absolute knowledge for what is clearly a relative task.

I guess I may possibly have what they describe as "passive absolute pitch". I can identify certain notes, the ones whose sound I've cared to learn. Right now the one I know the most is "a" since oboists are expected to provide that tuning note. In addition to the c and f# which I knew before I can usually get f, g, and d. I didn't really try to cultivate this after I saw how it set me off course with ear training. I can sing c, f# or a on command as well, albeit slightly out of tune some days. As I mentioned I can definitely tell when things are in the original key and I can sometimes identify what key things are in. Again, this is mostly uncultivated. I can recognize the keys we use a lot at church: C, G, and D major and f#, b, a, d, and c minor. E major or minor I sometimes get though they both have a "weird" feeling to me. Nearby keys that I am less familiar with like e-flat or b-flat trip me up. Also it's easier for me to recognize keys with popular music than with orchestral. With orchestral I cheat and use a reference piece. For example, since I love the 3rd movement of Brahms' third symphony it is my reference for c minor. If I hear another piece in c minor I will remember that it's the key of the Brahms piece.

I can always play a piece or song in my mind in the correct key. Right now I can listen to the opening of Mozart's 40th, Ravel's Bolero, or Beethoven's 5th in my mind in their original glory. And I can usually sing it back to you in that key. I'm not a great singer though so sometimes I'll sing it flat.

I remember one time in composition class there was a violinist who had perfect pitch and was a virtuoso and the whole nine yards. The professor wanted to test her ability and bounced a ball on top of the table and asked her what pitch she heard. I silently mouthed F because it was the one pitch I was really familiar with at that time and the ball's sound brought it to mind. The girl didn't see me but the professor did so when she said "That was an F" he gave me a weird look. Haha. That was fun!

Another interesting story happened when I was 7. I remember learning "Silent Night" from my second grade teacher. I found the melody very beautiful and one night I was in the living room by myself staring at the tree. I decided to serenate it by singing "Silent Night" to it. I started singing and realized that something wasn't right. I started again and again felt weird about it. I remember like yesterday the conversation going on in my mind. I realized that I could start singing it on a different note each time and I wondered how people knew what the correct note was. I figured that maybe I needed to play the guitar like my teacher did. At that point I knew nothing about music notation but it's really interesting that I was having this sort of sophisticated dialogue in my mind. Eventually I settled on something and the tree did get its serenade.

Do you think it's worth me trying to develop this? Or should I just spend my time on more fruitful activities? Maybe I can train my ear while making reeds. Now there's a thought. To be honest all I really want at this point is to get better at playing melodies by ear and to play in tune. But I admit, having a good ear is very satisfying. It can't hurt to work on it some more. :-D

An unsuspecting music major

I knew going in that Columbia offered a core curriculum. During the Spring 1994 semester two things happened that greatly affected the rest of my undergraduate career: first, I dropped premed and second, I enrolled in "Masterpieces of Western Music". At some point during that semester, and I can't remember exactly when or how, I decided I'd become a music major. College had become a disappointment (I was no longer a straight A student) so I figured the only way I'd survive was by studying something I actually cared about. Now you have to understand that I had almost no musical background at this point. The only thing I had done besides choir in junior high and high school was about a year of private piano lessons. These were very informal and consisted of me learning to play some well-known tunes like "Fur Elise". So really the only thing I did know was some basic reading.

I spent the rest of the semester going over the course bulletin, trying to figure out how I'd fit the music major and the computer science minor into my two remaining years. Aside from 20 credit semesters there was only one glitch. The music major included an introductory theory class plus two one year theory sequences (diatonic and chromatic harmony and counterpoint). In order to graduate on time I needed to start the first one year sequence that Fall. But I knew that I needed the intro course in order to not be completely lost. I went in to speak to one of the theory professors. I laugh now because I am so easily intimidated but when it comes to music I am way bolder than normal. The professor informed me that it was possible to place out of the intro course through an examination offered in the fall. He supplied me with a syllabus for the class and sent me off to work on my own that summer. My family and I went to the Dominican Republic for about a month in 1994 and I had my thick music book in hand. In DR the heavy meal of the day is eaten at noon and after that people go for naps or some other quiet activity. Every afternoon I would sit at my aunt's porch underneath the "roble" tree (that's what my family calls it but I am not sure it's the correct name). This tree would let loose a ton of tiny flowers as the breeze would shake it. For about two hours a day I'd lay down and enjoy the perfect weather while working on my music exercises. I learned the basics: key signatures, how to form triads, major and minor scales, etc. By the end of my vacation I had completed all the material from the syllabus and come September I aced the placement test and was able to start my theory sequence. Little did I know that it was only the beginning.

Truth be told I had no idea what music "theory" would be about. I was expecting a course on acoustics for a while until I started working on those introductory exercises. Boy was I in for a treat! I'd long been hearing harmony but did not speak its language. After the first few theory classes I realized that I was finally going to really understand music. For years I realized that I was always attracted to a certain "type" of song but I couldn't figure out what the common element was (minor keys). I could also sort of tell where the music was headed and was always delighted when they'd throw in some surprise (deceptive cadences). When I'd go see merengue concerts I'd notice that the pianist would never have sheet music yet he'd play a ton of chords and notes. Did he memorize it all? No, I eventually realized. He plays the chord progressions by ear. An entire new world opened up to me and I couldn't be more excited! I worked on my chord analysis exercises with gusto. Soon enough I became familiar with secondary dominants, suspensions, passing tones, etc. It turned out that I had a great ear for it and once I heard something once I was able to understand its function and identify it later on. I realized I had favorite chord progressions that I could trace back to the time I was 7! I also had favorite keys (f# minor is divine). Some suspected I may even have latent perfect pitch! This was not a good thing though because it was completely undeveloped and I tried to rely on it when I shouldn't have in Ear Training.

Ahh, ear training. When I saw that there was a course called "ear training" I laughed out loud for about a minute. WTF is ear training, I wondered? I imagined people sitting around a circular table pulling their ears in all directions. The course bulletin was very vague. If I had little clue what theory would be about I had NO clue what this ear training business was. The first few classes were innocent enough. They had us sing scales, recognize if something was major or minor, and do some very easy sight singing. Sight singing was (and still is) scary to me but I did know that it existed. When I was in my high school choir I noticed that the girl next to me (who was an amazing singer) would hum the tunes before the teacher played them by just looking at the music. For some reason before that I had assumed that the music was only for instrumentalists. I didn't realize that people could sing what was on the page. Hehe, poor little naive me. So anyway when I started the ear training I realized that this was part of what you needed to do to develop that skill. Cool! A few weeks into the class our teacher introduced the concept of dictation and said there were three kinds: harmonic, melodic, and rhythmic. Harmonic dictation that entire semester consisted solely of intervals. I found it incredibly fun and had nearly perfect accuracy with that. As soon as he'd play the interval I knew exactly what it was: minor third, major 7th, minor sixth, tritone. Soon I was getting impatient to do harder things like full chords and chord progressions (we did eventually do those in later semesters).

Melodic dictation was an entirely different beast. When he talked about it I was in shock. Is it humanly possible to hear a melody and copy the entire thing down? Woah! Maybe that sense of amazement lead to me starting off on the wrong foot and being scared of melodic dictation the entire time through. I managed to do ok when things were stepwise but once we introduced jumpy melodies and modulations I was pretty much lost. I was relying either on my interval ability (which doesn't work as well when the melody goes by you really quickly) or my newly discovered ability to be able to identify certain pitches (the only ones I could do at that point were A, F#, and C - so I could rock G major). This, I now realize, was a very wrong approach to melodic dictation. I should have been focusing more on the entire line rather than going pitch by pitch. For the rest of my ear training courses the thing I was always worst with was melodic dictation. To this day my melodic ear is still way weaker than my harmonic one. And here I am playing the oboe. So I will have to face my nemesis head on. After doing the music major I always figured I'd end up playing keyboards or bass because I think about music harmonically. I do love harmony and always will, but for some reason, now that I'm more mature, a part of me feels like I do have something melodic to say. I really long for the day when I can sing through my oboe. I now find myself following melodies while still being able to appreciate the harmony underneath. Back when I was studying the Handel Sonata I was having trouble feeling it until I did a chord analysis of the accompaniment and had my husband play the chords out for me (the piece's key signature is g minor but it acts like it's in c minor which helped me understand why the end sounded like a half cadence).

At one point after I started oboe I wrongly thought that I'd have to give up thinking about harmony. But after my Handel experience I see that it is still essential to my understanding of the music. I was pleased to come across this article where Carter Brey talks about how he analyzes pieces. How sexy! I really loved the article and his way of thinking about music (particularly example 2). I thought that once you were done with theory classes that you'd never have an opportunity to examine music that deeply again. Now I see that there is room for this in ensemble playing. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

This weekend JC and I tried a new exercise. For almost 10 years I had been playing electric bass (very, very badly I assure you) in our choir and singing backup vocals. I had never had to play the melodies of our songs on any instrument. For a few weeks I had been feeling uncomfortable about not being able to play any melodies on my oboe unless I had the music in front of me. I don't want any crutches. I want to know my instrument inside out. So I decided to start off small, with melodies that I am *very* familiar with. So JC got to pick the tune and would name it. I would then give him the key it's in (don't ask me how I've memorized them all for our hundreds of songs) and he'd start playing the accompaniment on his guitar. I had to go in and start playing the melody on the correct note and at the right time. Getting the correct starting pitch was easy. Unlike before, I can now hear what scale degree a certain pitch is (this is MUCH more helpful than trying to figure out exactly what pitch it is). So JC would start playing his chords and I'd sing the pitch in my head and I knew if it was the tonic, the third, or the dominant (it was usually one of these three). Playing the rest of the melody was much trickier. Again, the stepwise melodies were not all that hard. But I found myself struggling with any bigger intervals. I struggled a lot at first but by the 4th or 5th tune I was getting more precise. And I was actually starting to have some fun. So this is what it feels like to play melodies? Interesting ...

This weekend I went to Patelson's Music store to get some Woodwind quartet music. I was very tempted to buy an expensive ear training book and CDs. But I figure I have enough background to work on it on my own for a while. I think I may have finally gotten JC interested in it so we might start working on it together. I have one of my old sight reading books that we can use. Once we're ready to do melodic and rhythmic dictations then maybe I will consider getting that book and CDs.

Ooooo I would *LOVE* to re-do my music major entirely. All of it. The history, the theory, ear training, and even that composition course. I would do so much better this time around. My ear is amazing comparatively and everything is so much more relevant now that I am actually playing something. I'm surprised I even survived with half decent grades.

Maybe someday I could do this. That would be dreamy!!

Oh what a beautiful morning

Something strange happened last night. As I was setting my alarm clock I must have changed the time on it because I ended up waking up an hour earlier than I wanted to. This meant that I wasn't rushing to get to work less late than I usually am. I was able to appreciate a truly glorious morning. The temperature is in the high 60's/low 70's and the relative humidity is a comfortable 40%. The sky was a wonderful, clear blue and the sun shone at a perfect brightness. Enough to bring out beautiful colors but not so much that it felt burning. I drive up to work via the Merritt Parkway, a scenic highway, instead of Interstate 95. The road has many trees on either side and down the center median, as well as many curves and hills. Today the trees seemed so lush and green. I felt like I was in the midst of an ancient forest. The finishing touch for my perfect morning drive was my CD of Beethoven's 6th Symphony. I had to pump it up really loud in order to hear it over the wind noise. The drive was so nice that even though I'm back in Corporate Jail, I still feel uplifted and at peace.

I'm probably in such good spirits due to rehearsal hangover. It ended up going pretty well last night. This was our first rehearsal as a quartet and the rapport between all members was good. I was really nervous that the flutist, Marti, would not enjoy herself but she did have a good time. I've known her as a sax player for over 10 years and had no idea she played the flute so well. She's such an incredible musician. I handed her a sheet of music and a second later she was sight singing it in the correct key and everything even though the others were still playing some other piece in a different key. Wow! William had been working on his reed earlier that day and by the middle of the rehearsal he was really happy with the way it sounded. We all love the bassoon sound! I was trying to choose pieces were he wasn't stuck with a boring bass line so I think he too had more fun this time. Rufi had more solos last night too.

So that leaves me. I was indeed quite nervous when we started. I was worried about my embouchure, intonation, and sound. Oh I forgot to say that it was VERY humid last night. So my reed was acting up big time. It felt like it was closing up or something because I wouldn't be able to make sound at all sometimes. As it got darker (or I warmed up) it responded better but the upper register was very very soft. Am I supposed to have a backup high humidity reed or something? Speaking of which I need a backup. I can tell that my current reed is now past its prime and heading towards its inevitable demise. How sad. This was a good little reed. Anyway so at first I was making a lot of mistakes due to nerves but eventually I settled in. I was having a difficult time playing piano when I needed to. At one point I was despairing because I felt that my sound was really out there and not meshing well with the others. But I decided to keep on trying and brought out the mirror to ensure I was doing things right with my mouth. Eventually I was able to get a sound that blended better. William remarked that he could definitely hear a difference in the sound since the last time I went. I think he meant it because he's not one to just say things like that for no reason. If you sound bad, he will tell you. My teacher called me and we've scheduled our last lesson of the Spring semester (it's a make-up) for tomorrow. Let's see what he says about my sound.

I learned something last night: You get what you paid for. Since I'm on the computer all day I've been the one buying music for the group. Also since I'm the weakest link musically I need to see what we're getting to ensure that it's something within my reach. I bought music from four different places: a bunch of trios from a private vendor, a big bunch of quartets from music-scores.com, another bunch of trios from Last Resort music, and some quartets from sheetmusicplus.com. I've listed these in increasing price order. After playing music from all sources last night I realized that the cheap private arrangements pretty much suck. They offer the bare bones of some famous melody in part 1 (at least they're in the correct key) with pretty unimaginative accompaniment on parts 2 and 3. The next two bunches were fair on average. Some were actually pretty good, but most were just ok. The quartets I bought from sheetmusicplus were more "official" scores (adaptations arranged by professionals). These cost $5-$10 for just one piece whereas the others were $10-$20 for anywhere between 14 and 25 pieces. One of the arrangements I bought was for the Andante from Haydn's Surprise Symphony. It wasn't technically challenging not even for me, but regardless when we played it we sounded like a real ensemble. The arrangement was very interesting and super fun. It was everyone's favorite piece of the night. So from now on I am going to stay away from books with mediocre arrangements and try to find good arrangements even if the cost is way more. The others were all willing to pitch in when I explained my purchase habits. So today I get to surf the web in search of some interesting but not too hard woodwind quartets. Maybe by next year we can take on some of the real meaty stuff!

We ended up practicing from 7-10! I got two breaks during which the others played trios or duos. I felt like my face hurt by the end but I had a very nice time. When you're practicing on your own most of the time you can sometimes forget that the reason you're doing this is to play with others some day. Imagine that! I think it was good for me to push myself to last long last night. I had been terribly scared to upset my new embouchure to the point where I was being wimpy. At the first sign of soreness I'd stop playing. I need to push these new muscles so this will be the perfect way. And now I don't have an excuse to cut my practices short. Then again the adrenaline rush from playing with others was what helped me last so long. I will have to try to emulate that somehow at home.

So for now our little quartet will continue meeting on Wednesday nights. I'll keep you all posted on our adventures. :-D

Practice log so far this week:
Monday: 95 minutes. 50 minutes long tones and scales. 45 minutes etudes and repertoire.
Tuesday: 30 minutes repertoire.
Wednesday: Played nearly 2 hours at the rehearsal last night when you take away the breaks and talking time.

Someone needs to work on reeds! *blush*

Insert witty title here

I'm not quite sure how I got so busy all of a sudden. Somehow I was better able to update this blog back when I was stressed out with work, school, music, and a bunch of personal issues. Maybe it's because these days I'm spending more time doing instead of thinking about doing. Though I must admit I've been thinking a lot too. So much so that sometimes I feel like I lost my writing voice temporarily. Hopefully it will return from its vacation.

In addition to the good advice I got from William a week ago, I also got some advice from the owner of this blog. Look ma, it's another blogging oboist. I sent him a short email greeting and he kindly responded with a pretty long and useful email. He too said that it is very important to start being a musician instead of always planning for when you'll be one. That being said when you also have a full-time regular job you do have to plan in order to get that practice time in. He mentioned that having routines really helped him so I decided to give that a whirl. On Monday I told myself "by 7 PM I will be downstairs in the basement practicing". I also told myself that I would have two 45 minute sessions that night. Lo and behold by 7:15 (only 15 minutes late) I was down there beginning my first session. That lasted until 8:05. Then I went upstairs to put some rice on the stove and take a break. My second session went on from 9:15 to 10:00. It worked really well that day and I will definitely keep working with that.

The line that struck me the most because it was exactly what I needed to hear was "don't be afraid to make some mistakes!" I've been alluding to working on a new embouchure. I had suspected that mine wasn't correct and when I heard my recording nearly a month ago it was confirmed. I had been improving technically but my sound was not any better. After playing one note for Jackie a few weeks ago she found several things wrong with my embouchure. I had started biting, probably due to the faulty reed I had used for nearly two months. Also the corners of my mouth were pulled back as in a smiling position. She demonstrated the correct embouchure and gave me tips about how to think about it. For the last two weeks I've been doing a lot of exercises just with the reed and with long tones, trying desperately to perfect my embouchure. I felt like I had to start all over again because the new muscles I was using were tiring out in about 10 minutes just like back in Dec/Jan. I rerecorded myself about a week ago and was excited to hear improvement in my sound. The notes were more centered and the sound was a bit closer to the ballpark of a true oboe sound. However within days I started having nagging doubts. Am I really doing it right now? Why can't I get my upper lip completely in? Is the embouchure really circular now? etc, etc, etc. It was getting to the point where I almost wanted to stop practicing until I could verify with a teacher that I was now doing it correctly. But I knew that not practicing at all would be even worse. Already the weeks of doing only long tones were pretty much erasing the tiny bit of chops I had built up. My husband encouraged me on Sunday night. He asked me why I was pressuring myself to go from a wrong embouchure directly to a perfect one. He didn't think that anybody could do that and said that even the pros probably went through several wrong embouchures before getting it right and that the process took them months, maybe even years. So when I read "don't be afraid to make some mistakes" the next morning I realized that I actually don't have anything to lose by continuing my mission. If when I meet with Jackie again my embouchure is still wrong then she will help me fine tune some other part of it so that I can get closer. I am pretty sure that what I am doing now, although not perfect, is definitely way better than what I was doing before.

As an adult learner it's very hard to not expect too much of yourself. You always feel like you're racing against time. You have decades of time to make up for so you want to be ultra efficient. Sometimes you want to cut corners, but this is not really a possibility if you really want to get good. You feel that perhaps you can intellectualize things to give yourself an advantage but at the end of the day your fingers will pay no heed to that. On top of all this you have the day to day struggle to get practice time in. And let us not forget the "frustration gap" (from Jay Light's Essays for Oboists). As you improve you set your goals higher and higher.

I guess all these things I think about are actually normal things that musicians deal with. But as an isolated adult learner it's hard for me to find people who can relate to all this. My friends are all busy working, having kids, etc. And the ones that are musicians are already good and have figured out how to balance work and music. I don't know any other thirty year old who just started an instrument and is completely obsessed with it and with the idea of playing in an orchestra someday. It's hard to find others who believe in me and in what I'm doing. That's what's nice about the internet. I've been able to meet other people for whom music is very special and who do understand these struggles and cheer me on. It's too bad we can't all hang out and go for a coffee or something.

Right now I feel a little lost because I technically don't have a teacher. My semester is over with my original teacher and I did not sign up for the summer mainly due to scheduling conflicts. I've had some reed lessons with another teacher who I really like but I am not sure if she is willing or able to take me on. If she CAN take me on I will be so excited because I know that I will improve tremendously. But then I'd still have to deal with severing ties with the person who taught me how to assemble my instrument and get those first notes out. I'm sad about that. But for now I guess I shouldn't think about it. I need to keep working on that embouchure and once my supplies from in from RDG I need to make a few more reeds.

Tonight will be our first quartet rehearsal. We've now added a flute to the mix. I am very excited about that because it's a very cool and dear friend who's an amazing musician. Also it takes pressure off me being the first voice all the time! HURRAH! One of the books we have is for flute, clarinet, bassoon trio. I had been playing the flute part before but most of it is uncomfortably high for me. I'm thinking that tonight I will use that book to take breaks. They can play a tune or two from there to give my mouth a break. I'm very concerned about endurance tonight. When we met for the trio a few weeks ago I was playing a lot of repertoire and lasted for over two hours. Now that I've been doing just long tones with my new embouchure I tire VERY quickly. I am nervous about spoiling things tonight so I'm hoping they are ok with doing the trios in between quartet pieces so that I can take breaks.

I am scared to play a lot of music because I tend to forget about my embouchure when the notes are flying by. But I do feel more secure with it this week than last week. Besides the pieces we have are all intermediate level so they're not super hard. They're easier than that Handel Sonata I had been working on. I do still play the first mvt sometimes because now it sounds better (that was the piece I did the sound comparison with).

Though I'm a little scared about tonight I am more excited than anything else. It's really magical to make music with others. Especially this style of music. So let's hope that my mouth can take it!

Congratulations to my biggest fan!

Happy Birthday, Happy Father's Day, and Happy Retirement to my Dad (he's retiring about a decade early)!

.

Poor Dad has the weird luck of having his birthday fall on or near Father's Day so he only gets one gift.

I wanted to congratulate him and thank him for being genuinely enthused, intrigued by, and supportive of my musical activities. He even said that the day I get to play in an orchestra he'll be willing to sit through a whole performance without talking, walking around, or clapping in the wrong places. That's big! I'll be more than happy to have him there. :D

Live from Lincoln Center, part two

Last night I attended the concert that was aired on PBS on Wednesday. I felt it necessary to hear "The Swan of Tuonela" in person since it was the piece that opened my ears and heart to my instrument.

Sibelius's inscription at the top of his score: Tuonela, the land of death, the hell of Finnish mythology, is surrounded by a large river with black waters and a rapid current, on which the Swan of Tuonela floats majestically, singing.

I decided to splurge a bit and try to get as close as possible to the musicians. My seat ended up being just three rows from the front but as far left as you could go. I didn't really like it because I wanted to be looking up at the soloists. The audience dynamics are so different way up in the front than where I usually sit. People were more visibly excited about being there. I started wondering if I could possibly switch into another seat. Perhaps some subscriber would not show up to the performance. I thought I was the only one thinking this way and was shy about it at first. But then I started looking around and there were several people looking around for other seats. At one point as the concert was about to really begin a bunch of us played musical chairs and moved around at the same time to other seats. At this point I am in the center aisle, three rows back. A minute later Natalie Portman sits across the aisle from me! She's a bit more petite than I had imagined her, just shy over 5 feet tall. She has a very beautiful face just like you see on the screen, even though she had almost no make up on and that ultra short hair do for the movie she's currently working on. She sat very quietly reading the program and probably trying to avoid all of us trying not to stare at her. She was there with her parents (They were sitting somewhere else though. She looks a lot like her Mom.) I always liked her and now that I know that she appreciates good music I like her even more. Anyway, as I was getting comfortable in my seat and the orchestra was about to start tuning the rightful owner showed up and I had to run to a seat in the very front and a bit off to the left. That's where I ended up staying the whole night. It was fun playing musical chairs at the NY Philharmonic! I didn't think that happened there. I got a good view of the violinists and I could actually glimpse at the lower joint and bell of the first oboist too. That was useful because I could anticipate the solos. Then again I didn't need the visual cue. Anytime the oboes sounded I'd break into an uncontrollable smile.

The first piece was Dukas's "Sorcerer's Apprentice". I haven't ever seen Fantasia so I did NOT have images of a wizardly Mickey Mouse in mind. The music was interesting and you have to love the bassoon lines. The Sibelius Violin Concerto was next. Gil Shaham executed it flawlessly. I don't know a lot about the violin but as a musician I was very pleased with the concerto. He was very expressive and his playing was beautiful. As Dulciana noted playing music is a lot more physically intensive than people realize. It was indeed great to see that these musicians are indeed mere mortals.

Two funny things happened during the violin concerto. There was a disheveled looking man sitting about two seats from me who apparently was a violinist or at least a violin enthusiast. At several points when Gil was playing all along this man was humming the tunes along with him! Sometimes out of tune! I don't think that Gil noticed but the violinists closest to us did and started giving him the evil eye. At one point I thought one of the men was going to come down and beat up on the guy. It was kind of funny. One of the female violinists caught me smiling at the whole thing and she smiled and winked at me. The other weird thing was that again people clapped in between movements. This time they clapped between all of them. I felt weird at first but felt obliged to join in. I guess folks were just very excited. I think that's ok in the case of a great soloist.

Speaking of physical strain while playing I had been thinking about this since I saw the broadcast on Wednesday. I was struck by how much Tom Stacy was shaking the entire time he was playing. The sound was great but whenever I looked at him I'd get anxious and worried. Last night I felt the same way again, that if I looked at how much he appeared to be straining I'd get all nervous about it. He seemed to be doing less of that shaking last night but I could tell that the piece is very taxing in terms of breath control. His English Horn sound is so dark and lovely, especially in the bottom register. I tried to recapture the feelings I felt the very first time I heard it. The crescendo at the beginning, the lovely cello (Carter Brey was awesome!), and then that mysterious wind instrument with the melancholic melodies. Back then I remember having images of a dark sky and of floating. Last night, I closed my eyes and felt the music come alive around me and go through me. I am very happy that I had the chance to listen to it live.

The last piece was a Suite from Firebird by Stravinsky, the 1919 version. Stravinsky has really grown on me. I can definitely say that I like his music. He was a bit difficult for me when I was in school and heard the Rite of Spring for the first time. But when I saw it earlier this Spring I thoroughly enjoyed it. And I enjoyed the piece last night as well.

Again people clapped after the first movement. This time it only came from a small block of people somewhere in the back orchestra seats. It went on for longer than expected though and kind of threw off David Robertson (the guest conductor, Maazel was ill). So he turned around and shouted "That's one of my favorite movements, too!" Everyone got a laugh at that and afterwards there was no more clapping until the very end.

I wish I could write more, but I best start working (it's already 10:30). I just wanted to make sure I said something about my concert.

Afterwards I went to my Mom's to wait for JC to get out of his rehearsal and I managed to squeeze in 30 minutes or so of practice. :-D

Live from Lincoln Center

Try to catch this show tonight on PBS at 8PM.

Some info here.

I've included the latest info about the show below. I have tickets for it tomorrow but will be taping it tonight. I'm sure Gil Shaham will be great but the reason I'm so excited is that Tom Stacy will be playing "The Swan of Tuonela"! He was supposed to do this in April and I had tickets for one of the dress rehearsals but they changed the program at the last minute. I was so mad! That's why I've splurged and bought tickets for an evening performance this time. If you all remember this piece is the reason I am playing oboe today. I was entranced by it when I first heard it last summer and from that day forward I slowly began to research the oboe and English Horn until eventually I decided to try playing it. I'm sure Tom Stacy will make good work of it. Actually the entire program is quite interesting. I can't wait!

Important Program Update
June 15-18, 2005

Maestro Lorin Maazel has cancelled his performances this week with the New York Philharmonic due to illness. In his place, David Robertson has graciously agreed to conduct this week's program.

The revised program features Stravinsky's The Firebird and Dukas's The Sorcerer's Apprentice, as well as the previously-announced Sibelius's Violin Concerto with soloist Gil Shaham, and Sibelius's The Swan of Tuonela, featuring Philharmonic Principal English Horn Thomas Stacy.

David Robertson has been hailed as one of the most important conductors of his generation. Of his New York Philharmonic performances, New York Magazine wrote "he draws brilliance and passion from the Philharmonic." "He makes everything seem fresh," added The New York Times.

33-year old American Gil Shaham is likewise one of classical music's brightest stars. The LA Times calls his playing "gorgeous, spontaneously passionate and deeply felt." Shaham also happens to be David Robertson's brother-in-law.

The new program details are:

Wednesday, June 15, 7:30 PM
Thursday, June 16, 7:30 PM
Friday, June 17, 11:00 AM
Saturday, June 18, 8:00 PM

Dukas: The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Sibelius: Violin Concerto
Sibelius: The Swan of Tuonela
Stravinsky: The Firebird: Suite for Orchestra (1919)

David Robertson, conductor
Gil Shaham, violin
Thomas Stacy, English horn

A response to my latest updates

My bassoonist friend sent me an email in regards to my latest updates and it provided a lot of food for thought. He wrote about how there are two types of people, those who "will be" and those who "are". Similarly there are two types of artists, the "apocalyptic" and the "integrated". The former are analysts who theorize and write about art and the latter are the actual artists who spend their time making art.

He feels that I am spending way too much time thinking about and planning to become an oboist and not enough time actually being one. I am getting caught up in making schedules that will leave me time for music instead of simply practicing as much as I can right now.

I certainly have a tendency to turn everything I do into a school project. Yet I know that what I love the very most about all things musical is playing with other people. My focus should be on improving at my instrument. The other things (e.g. familiarizing myself with the historical context of the music, analyzing pieces, reading about composers, etc.) should all be secondary.

His words struck a chord with me because before I got his email I was going to make a post asking why it is that I still procrastinate about practicing (even though I want this so badly). Once I start I am fine and I can go until my mouth gives out. Most of the times I want to continue beyond that. But actually starting my practice sessions is still very difficult. Suddenly there are several household chores that I remember need to get done.

I think that he's very perceptive and completely right about me spending more time than necessary planning. I am definitely one of those people who lived in the future. Someday I will have a successful career. Someday I will be in an orchestra. Someday I will be a mother. Recently I had made some strides towards appreciating the now more. I've entered a period of happiness in my life and that helped me enjoy today and worry less about tomorrow. However my progress has been slow and I do still spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about who I am to become. It's nice when someone from the outside can point things out to you in this way; I was only semi-aware of it.

I am wasting time preparing for tomorrow when I can be practicing today. It's just that practicing feels so tedious right now because I've had to basically start from scratch in order to fix my sound. And now I'm scared that I'm doing everything else wrong. I need to just focus on one thing at a time and eventually everything will fall into place.

This weekend I did have a mini victory. I spent two hours in a private reed making lesson. It was intense but I got a lot out of it. When I got home I still had some cane that was soaking so I decided to tie it up. After an hour's work I had a reed that was not leaking and that actually crowed!! This was my first time making something that close to finished. It's a bit honky and not quite in tune but the response it quite easy on it. Woohoo!

I AM an oboist. Right here. Right now.