Cats!

As promised here are some cute kittens. They love to play around the pile of music I have in the basement. If you look closely there's my original copy of the Corelli:



There are three kittens total:



Here's the Mommy. She was our friendly neighborhood stray. We used to feed her so she was comfortable with us and allowed me to move the kittens indoors. I couldn't bear the thought of them being cold and wet outside. Also one of our neighbors threatened to call the pound on them.



She's actually a very good cat. Very friendly and docile. She likes to meow a lot which is cute. She also took to her litter and scratching post immediately. And she even likes to play music sometimes:



Watch out, Schoenberg!

Hi! I'm Chucky. Wanna play??

For me the hardest part about being an adult learner is not having any one else to play with. I don't quite understand why playing with others is so important to me. It's not that I don't enjoy playing by myself. I guess it's that I know it would be so much more fun to make music with others.

I meant to make this post last weekend because I had a particularly bad music week. Recall that last Monday (not this one that just passed) I was sad because I realized I would have been going to my first Wind Ensemble rehearsal had I gotten in. Then comes my clarinetist friend to the rescue! Our trumpet player friend (of annoying concert fame) was getting married this Saturday and all his musician friends wanted to play at the wedding. Clarinetist told me he'd tell the "director" to write a part in for me. There was to be a rehearsal the day before but that was the day of the farewell dinner for the girl I replaced at work. Clarinetist said I could just sight read the part at the wedding. Fine.

So we drive 1.5 hours into Connecticut with Luna the Oboe in tow. I was speeding to make sure I got there early enough to read through my parts a few times. I can't even explain my dismay when I get there to find out that "director" decided not to include me after all since I didn't make it to rehearsal. Pfffft! I sat there and pouted throughout the entire ceremony. How irreverent of me. I then proceeded to get quite tipsy (on wine) at the reception. That was kind of fun while it lasted. When I got home I slept like a log.

The following day (last Sunday) was supposed to be the first meeting of the "New York Amateur Chamber Music Players Group". I had signed up at meetup.com and expressed my interest in chamber music. A few weeks ago someone finally organized and official group and set up a meeting for the 17th. Thankfully I hadn't gotten my hopes up too high because the founder of the group is MIA and the meeting did not occur.

And so another Monday came and went as I wallowed deeper and deeper in self-pity. I started feeling like an ugly doll that nobody wanted. Oh yeah, and I was PMSing too.

Luckily, Fr. D saved the day. We met up on Thursday to play our duets and had a ton of fun! I'm also set to meet T again next week and hopefully she can get me back on track. I think I'm almost out of the post-audition blues. Hopefully she will give me new stuff to work on or at least help me organize my practice time better. Hmm, I may even work on a reed or two this weekend!

Well I don't want this post to be entirely sad so here's a pic of the cute kittens living in my basement:

0-1

Hello,

Thank you for auditioning for the Wind Ensemble this weekend.
This was the most competitive year ever for auditions, and we
unfortunately are not able to offer you a spot in the ensemble at
this time.

We greatly hope you'll continue your interest in the CU Wind
Ensemble. Because our membership changes from year to year, don't hesitate to audition for us in the future.

"Ehh"

So the trip to school for the audition turned into something of an odyssey. I had set up at my Mom's in upper Manhattan and planned to take the subway down so that I wouldn't have to worry about looking for parking by school. I checked to make sure I had everything before I left. A few steps away from the building I felt that my bookbag was too heavy so I decided to leave some of the books in my car. Twenty minutes later and halfway into my subway ride downtown I realized I left the music behind with my MCAT books. I calmly got out at the next stop and took it back uptown. By the time I got back to my car it was 2 o'clock and I ended up having to drive after all. Luckily I found parking but I ended up losing almost all of my warm-up time. I had just 5 minutes before they called me in. Maybe it was for the best though because I could feel my heart beating faster and faster as I waited in the warm-up room. What a relief to be done! I thought my heart would jump out of my chest the entire time. Those were the longest 10 minutes ever.

The good news: My Marcello came out pretty well. I was actually a bit disappointed (and a bit worried) when they stopped me halfway. I didn't get a chance to do the ending which was coming out really well. Then again I also didn't have to battle through the longest phrase in the work, the one I tended to run out of breath on. I think that most of the elements were there. It was a big room so my sound seemed very different than usual but I had no time to really think about it. My intonation was good and I think I kept the rhythm well. I even managed to work some dynamics in there. Too bad I didn't get to do the really soft part near the end. Oh well. No matter, I don't think that the Marcello made a difference. I think that at the end of it I had moderately impressed them and was still in the game.

The bad news: I crapped out on the technical sight reading. The damn thing was in E-flat major and for some reason I allowed this to freak me out. I just hadn't played in that key in a while. Also the articulation of the excerpt was all over the place and I messed it up. I somehow got to the end but it was very sloppy.

The expressive sight reading went better because at least I hit all the right notes. It was a mostly legato excerpt in G minor. I tried my hardest to get the dynamics right and to put some vibrato in there. In retrospect I should have done the expressive one first because then I wouldn't have gotten freaked out by the other one. I think they liked the expressive one but I am not sure.

Walking out I thought I maybe had a chance but as I got near the door I heard one of the three judges say "Ehh" in a negative sort of way. So I am expecting to not get in. I'll find out tomorrow night.

It's ok if I don't get in. I learned a lot from the experience. There are other groups I can join, but I may have to pay because they are more like classes offered at different music schools.

When I walked back to the warm-up room there was another oboist there. I'm not sure how many they're looking to take since right now they only have 1. I figured I'd stand a good chance if I were the only one auditioning. However, if anyone else showed up chances are they have more experience than me since they're likely to be undergrads who've been playing at least since high school, if not earlier. The other girl was doing the first movement of the Saint-Saens Sonata (I LOVE that one!). As soon as I heard the first few notes I thought: I'm definitely not getting in. That piece is so lovely it will impress no matter what. Her sound was good as was her breath control, and her technique was fairly good. But as she went on I noticed that she was quite severely sharp (I even turned on my tuner which was in my bag to confirm - is that evil?? haha). She was also playing the piece a bit too quickly.

I was under the impression that intonation, sound, and rhythm would be the most important qualities to show. I'm really curious to see what they regard as most important. I'm assuming that the other oboist sight read better than me. So they'd have to choose between a good albeit out-of-tune sight-reader or between someone who can play in tune but may get lost in the music. I have a feeling they'll choose the former. Especially since intonation tends to be a problem regardless in large wind ensembles.

Well, it's done. It's 21 months to the day since I started playing and I survived my first audition. I think I'll have a toast to that tonight! :-)

High C

Wow, so much has gone on since I last updated. I went through another dark period with my instrument. All of a sudden it seemed that I was losing some of the things I already had some control of like sound, intonation, and breathing. I made the mistake of recording myself during one of those bad days and I got very discouraged. I almost made a post asking whether the world truly needs another bad oboist. For a few days I almost seriously considered quitting. It was such a horrible feeling. I was tempted to write about my negative thoughts just in case that had a cathartic effect, but I didn't like the idea of those ugly words being here forever. Deep down I knew it would pass and I didn't want to make them more "real" by recording them here.

This bad stretch, like all the others before it, came after a prolonged period of not having a lesson. When I finally went into see J she summed up my troubles in one word: biting. I should have known that's why I was playing consistently sharp and with a weird, pinched sound. This is why it's so important to have someone who coaches you regularly. I knew I was doing something wrong, but even though the symptoms were clear I didn't know how to go about fixing things. And to top it off my reeds weren't helping. It was a difficult lesson because we had to go back to doing a lot of long tones and octaves and they sounded horrible. But by the third day or so my intonation and sound were back and I couldn't be happier.

While all this was going on my audition date (TODAY!) was drawing nearer and I was not spending as much time as I wanted to on my Marcello piece. Things got back on track only about 10 days ago and I had a LONG way to go. I ended up seeing T twice in the last week and since by then I was sounding normal again (which isn't great yet, but is ok) she helped me with my interpretation of the piece. We worked on articulation, dynamics, breathing, and vibrato. For warm-up she had me do some slow C scales since I've been slacking on my regular scale studies. At first I wasn't blowing enough air and my pitch and sound in the upper register were sagging. With her watching and giving suggestions I eventually managed to play my very best C scale ever. When I got to the top C I could actually feel that the note was vibrating and singing. It was my prettiest high C ever! I never realized that when you're doing everything right you can feel that the sound is beautiful, not just hear it. Now that I know what that cantabile sound feels like I am working on trying to get it to come out more often. I haven't gotten it to work up there again, but it does happen occasionally with middle D, E, and F. Every once in a while my high A can do it, but most of the things that note is still my worst sounding of them all.

My audition is at 2:30 today. I can get through the entire piece now without passing out. Part of the problem is that I am not playing it at the marked tempo yet and there are two longish phrases that I tend to run out of breath in. But if I try to play it quickly enough to negate the breathing problem, I tend to play messy. So for the last few days I've worked on finding a balance. I've also had to wean off my metronome and the tuner. That was a lot harder than I expected. Especially the metronome. I find myself doubting my timing while I'm playing. When I played it for T and she acted like a judge she said it was actually good as was my intonation. What she wanted me to pay more attention to was blowing through my phrases more and dynamics. I am going to practice maybe just 30 minutes today before I go in to make sure that my reed is ok.

I have to sight read at this audition too but did not practice for that at all. Let's just hope they don't give me anything beyond my ability.

*gulp* So that's it for now. Next time I post I will be done with my first "official" audition.
Now the piece sounds halfway decent.

Sort of Serendipity

That research program left me emotionally drained. Thus the dearth of posts here on the blog. It's weird how when I was at corporate job writing on the blog was cathartic but now it's become very difficult for the words to come out well.

Part of the reason the program tired me out is that it lead to a reawakening of my "to be or not to be MD" debate. Maybe reawakening is not the right word since the debate never ever fully leaves my consciousness. Worrying about the same thing for 10 years plus makes you feel as though you are going around in circles even when you are moving forward. I need to stop chasing my own tail.

The good news is that I got a very lucky break today. I've been officially unemployed since completing the internship. I had been trying not to freak too much about this, giving myself until after Labor Day to start any true panicking. I've applied to a handful of jobs so far and have even heard back from one place. Unfortunately, my schedule didn't work well for them. That position was for a medical assistant at a dermatologist's office. It would have given me patient contact and even surgical assistant experience. All good stuff for future MD or PA school applications. I was disappointed that I had to pass that up but the positive interaction with the recruiter gave me a burst of confidence. Perhaps that was showing today when I took the mother-in-law to her ophthalmologist for laser treatment. Before the actual treatment I went in to talk with the doctor a bit. Afterwards I went in again so that he could tell me how things went and what the plans for her are. Somewhere in the middle of this conversation he says to me "You're too sharp. Are you pre-med or in the medical field?" DOH! Busted! I was taken aback because I certainly wasn't doing anything to try to impress him. I thought I was acting like my normal, non-anal-supposedly-EX-premed self. When I told him about going to Columbia undergrad and studying Computer Science the poor guy nearly had a heart attack. He ran off to get higher level doc and then I had a nice chat with both of them. They were both encouraging me to keep at it with the MD (though they did admit that PA is a good option). They also offered help and said I could go back any time to shadow them. Before I left the head guy asked me for my contact info, which I though nothing of at the time.

A few hours later I'm at the mall (buying the hubby and brother birthday gifts!) and I get a call from an unfamiliar number. I let it go to voice mail and was quite surprised to hear that it was the doctor calling to ask me some questions. The only logical explanation was that it would be about employment. But I didn't dare hope for it. A job at an ophthalmology office the next town away? (I have 3 years of experience working with neuro-ophthalmologists, by the way.) Working with two friendly doctors who are eager to teach? No, it couldn't be. It was several hours before we got in touch and he we did he did indeed offer me a job. Just like that. No formal interview, nothing. Just "when do you want to start?" Holy smokes, this kind of thing usually doesn't happen to me. But I've noticed than when it does happen it tends to be related to medical things. Is that a sign? Oh wait, I thought I didn't believe in signs anymore.

Soooo. I didn't even have to stress out too much about our lack of money. Tomorrow I will call him back to confirm the pay (a quite decent hourly rate) and the schedule. It looks like I will be working 30-32 hours a week and taking only one class instead of the two I originally planned for. As opposed to the other job I almost got last week, this one has a schedule that works perfectly for me. The learning curve shouldn't be too steep since I will be doing a lot of what I did 10 years ago at the neuro-opth office. And I've already hit it off really well with the two doctors I'll be working with. I didn't even have to interview, something I hate and dread with a passion. The commute is 5 minutes. In fact, it's probably walking distance. Oh, and I get to explore the posh town next door: Rye. Oh, and I get to wear navy blue scrubs to work. Fun!

I wanted to cry when this all happened because I felt this overwhelming sense that my life was being touched by a divine power. I've felt so aimless with my career and I was close to the point of despair. It's like I was picked up, dusted off, and set on a paved road. How far will the road lead me? I don't know yet. But right now I am so very grateful.

My musical motivation is a bit low right now, as it tends to get when the medical one goes up. I really need to work on equilibrating them. The good news is that now I will have money to pick up my lessons again. Waaah, I miss my teachers!

Where's Waldo

Halcyon moment

For some reason even after a Bachelor's in music and paid gigs (sax, electric bass, backup vocals), I still have trouble considering myself a musician. Now there is the whole "oboist" term to content with. All along I've been calling myself an "oboe student". But lately I've been feeling like maybe I've put in enough work to start calling myself an "oboist", even if I do have to qualify it with something like "amateur". I think that it's my reed making efforts which are causing me to change perspective. Though I still have a ways to go before sounding well-rounded, I feel like the reed making alone is enough to qualify me as a real oboist. Who else but an oboist willingly gives up big chunks of free time to scrape bamboo?

Actually, the real reason behind all this is that I am actively working towards trying to enjoy the journey more in all areas of my life. Left to my own devices, I will focus on a goal almost blindly so that days pass by without my even noticing. Then I start feeling as though I will only be happy once the goal is achieved. But how about if it takes forever (or never happens)? I have to learn to appreciate every day as the gift that it is.

Don't mind me. I'm a bit melodramatic because for a few moments this weekend I felt as though I was in my favorite dream. I may have mentioned it before. The first time I remember having it I was 7 years old. The dream takes place at a wonderful village by the water. It is always dusk and there are wonderful smells of plants, firewood, and sometimes food. Soft music (in minor keys) comes from an unknown source. And many of the people I care about are walking about happily, in preparation for a fun night to come. The funny thing is that time seems to stop in the dream because the sun never quite sets and I never do get to find out what it is that everyone is so excited about. The mood is one of anticipation laced with revelry. It is the most peaceful image I can conjure.

I just realized this weekend, as I was sitting at a park by the water at dusk, that part of what makes the dream so wonderful is the feeling of hopefulness. Everyone is so happy because it feels as though the entire world is out there for us to enjoy and be thankful for. Yet no one is really achieving anything at the moment; we just all seem to have limitless potential. But it's not big feats that matter. It's every day things. The sound of waves, the voice of a friends, a beautiful song.

I vowed to try to apply that to my own life. To quit postponing feeling good until I lose those 20 lbs. Or until I can play the Saint-Saens sonata. Or until I have initials after my name. The only time we have is now. I need to learn to live in an eternal twilight.

La-a-a-ast Le-e-e-e-so-o-o-on

After a 10 day hiatus I had another lesson last night. I was nervous because I think I still wasn't completely over the teary lesson. Then again because of that lesson I have been tring to focus more during practices, to try to better understand which areas need improvement. My current top area of focus is breathing and support, with tonguing coming in second.

It's a good thing that my breathing and support have improved somewhat because the my lesson last night focused on more vibrato studies. She had me do the pulse exercise a lot faster than what I had been doing at home. I was able to keep up with it for the most part, but after just a few minutes it felt like Olympic training! When she had me play the Sarabande from my Corelli with vibrato I got tired by the 6th bar. This brings the whole concept of endurance to a brand new level.

While I was initially afraid that introducing vibrato may do more harm than good, I think it's actually going to work out well. Trying to get vibrato is forcing me to support correctly because otherwise I can't do it at all (or a do a weird, throaty one that doesn't sound good). And using more air is going to help with my tonguing issues. I continue to revert to my heavy saxophone tounging technique. In order to play merengue jaleos I had to learn to use the middle of my tongue because tonguing on the tip made the sound too short and generally wasn't quick enough. Now I have to retrain myself to use the lightest touch possible with just the tip. Right now my tongue tends to get in the way of my air stream so that my playing sounds somewhat discontinous and less musical. I'm excited about this last lesson because once I can get these two concepts moving along, my playing will sound more balanced.

We went over what I should play for my Wind Ensemble audition in September. I had been feeling that the Corelli is not the right piece for that and she agreed. So she'd like for me to start working on the Marcello concerto, which she called a "stretch" piece. After hearing it this morning I'd call it a "big stretch" piece. I only have to prepare the first movement though, which is doable. I do agree with PY's comment on an earlier post that I need easier music to work on expression. Maybe I will use some methods I have at home for that and for sight reading practice. Oh, and I can also work on it tonight when I meet with my duet friend. Which reminds me, I need to start getting ready to leave. See ya!

Update from the black hole

I just finished a presentation I had at work. I had to present a paper on molecular beacons. The papers themselves are something else. The target audience of these scientific journals are people with PhD's in biochemistry, molecular biology, or chemical engineering. So you can only imagine how difficult it is to get through them. I had to look for background information that was more at my level like this before I could even begin to read my paper. Then I had to make a powerpoint presentation and present it to some principal investigators here as well as other interns and graduate students. Can we say INTIMIDATION? I felt quite uncomfortable lecturing about a topic I was still unsure about to people who've actually published papers on that topic. In the end it turned out pretty well. I was nervous and stumbled a little bit through some of my explanations, but the comments at the end were positive.

Between preparing for this presentation and my frustrations with my playing, I've not been playing all that much the last few days. But I am looking forward to returning to my instrument tonight. I plan to just do basics: long tones and slow scales for a few days before working on my piece again. Every time I focus too much on actual repertoire I tend to lose control of things I thought I already had under my belt, namely, embouchure and intonation. It could also be reed related, which means I have to spend more time on that too. I think I've been playing on some bad reeds that have caused me to start biting. Hence I want to use a newer reed which doens't play flat in order to get used to a more correct, open (non-biting) embouchure.

For my next lesson on Tuesday I need to make two new reeds. At our previous lesson T told me that since my goals are "lofty" I needed to get more serious about my reed making. I am going to really put some time into that during the next month before classes start up again.

I've been thinking more about the musical expression thing. I realized that if I have the music in front of me I am capable to analyzing it and coming up with ideas of how it should sound. So if I can do this on paper, theoretically I should be able to do it on the instrument. I think the problem is that it's difficult to be a good critic while you're actually playing. At least it is for me. Maybe this will get easier with time. That's probably what good practicing is about for more advanced students. I often wondered why they'd play the same piece for hours when it wouldn't take them more than a few minutes to get the actual notes under their belts. The difficult thing is figuring out HOW to play the notes. Once you get to a certain level, the notes themselves are no longer the problem. So how do you deal with this while you're still working up to that level? I'm assuming your teacher must help you until you can do it on your own.

I just want to feel that there is hope for me. That the reason I am not expressive now is not due to a tragic personal flaw, but simply to lack of technique and being "green" on the instrument. Sometimes I feel that the sound blinds me. I love the sound so much and it's so exciting that I am finally sounding oboe-like. But I think this distracts me and I pay no attention to actual expression because just making it sound is beautiful to me. Hopefully I'll get over this soon enough so that I can start moving up to the next level.

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

I was a bad little reedmaker all week long and so I ended up having to get up at 8AM on a Saturday morning to try to make a reed before my noon lesson. I figured I wouldn't completely finish it but I could at least take in something half-way decent. At my last lesson we spent quite a bit of time going over proper knife sharpening technique. I was very grateful for this because I knew that I had been doing something wrong; my knives NEVER felt sharp before. She got me away from the ceramic sticks and into a real sharpening block. Those had scared me up until then. It's amazing how much more cane you can pick up with a knife that's actually sharpened. I had been using entirely too much force in my reedmaking to try to make up for blunt knives. As a result of this, I ended up nicking my thigh while working on my reed tip. BLOOD.

It's 85 and high humidity so I won't go into the SWEAT.

The drive into the City was somewhat nervewracking because my reed activity made me leave the house late so I was hauling butt the entire time. I even witnessed a fender bender. The strange part was that I totally saw it coming. I was in the middle lane and could see that up ahead in the right lane cars were nearly completely stopped. The folks coming up behind me on the right were going entirely too fast. I quickly shifted to the left lane to get away from the inevitable. I think that about 4 cars ended up ramming into each other. Nothing serious, but these folks will all have to get new bumpers.

I am not making excuses for myself but the fact was that I got to the lesson already tensed up. Or should I saw more tense than usual? We talked briefly about reeds again and then I had to present my scales. She threw me off by asking me to do a different articulation. I fumbled the first few times but by the end I was ok. I'd rate my scale performance as satisfactory. They're improving but there's still a lot of room to grow.

We ended up skipping long tones and going right into the Giga from my Corelli piece. I had practiced it quite a bit over the week and was nervous about whether it would show. I did mostly fine with the notes and managed to include some varying dynamics. In my naivete I thought it was sounding pretty ok but I was missing the big picture. A lot of my choices had been somewhat misguided. T helped me understand ways to better phrase the passages. Everything she said was very helpful and whenever she demonstrated for me it sounded much more beautiful (even though she was purposely not using vibrato). I think that deep down I was feeling frustrated that I hadn't been able to figure it out on my own. She assured me that I was doing more than well and that it would all come with time. But still, I couldn't help but feel inadequate. Why can't my lines flow yet? Why is my air stream wimpy?

It was in this state of mind that we started a "pre-vibrato" exercise. This consisted mostly of controlled shouting so that I could isolate the area I will eventually get my vibrato chops from. I've struggled with vibrato and too much throat/nose in my singing so I've known (and dreaded) all along that vibrato would be a challenge for me. When you add self-consciousness into the mix, it's a recipe for disaster. I battled through the exercises, rarely getting them right. I continued on but eventually broke down. When I tried to make a sound it got caught up with a knot in my throat and my eyes welled up with tears. I was mortified! How embarrassing to be crying in front of one of my beloved teachers. Crying because I couldn't do something. TEARS.

She was very sweet about it and got me water and encouraged me. We went on for a few more minutes but with the instrument instead because I was just too uncomfortable trying to produce weird sounds with my voice. I was able to get a single beat in the middle of a long tone and we stopped at that point.

While I put my instrument away we had a nice talk. I was feeling ridiculous still and wanted to figure out my feelings. I know that I was frustrated but it's not like I wanted to give up. If anything, I was more motivated than ever to get through this hurdle and I wanted to convey that to her. This wasn't the first time I've shed tears on this journey and I know it won't be the last. She made me feel better because she verbalized something I had been feeling for a few weeks. It's like I am about to get to the next level but am not quite there yet. The levels before it were easier and faster to reach. I had been lingering somewhat and have recently started making progress again, to the point where I can sort of taste the next level. Being almost there is what makes one get frustrated. She said that she experienced those points in her own journey and reassured me that I WILL get through and that I will feel very good about it once it happens. And then it will be on to the next hurdle. She also said that not everything will come naturally. Some things I am naturally good at (not sure which ones she meant - I will have to ask her). Other things I will have to work very hard for. The messed up part is that as adult students we tend to focus on things we can measure easily like technique or intonation whereas my biggest challenges are going to be in the realm of musical expression. All these years I've merely been dabbling in music, getting into things half-way but always backing out when I really had to SAY something. I've reached the point where I need to start worrying about how my music is coming out, not just that the right notes are being played. I am so scared. I've been scared of this all my life. I think this is why I've always run very far away from improvisation (even though as a child I composed songs prolifically). I am very afraid that I have naught to say. That all I will be good for robotic playing. Rather than finding that out, I've quit while I was still ahead. But this time I am in for the long haul and I know that I will have to face my nemesis. This is the real reason I broke down. Because I thought for a second "I can't do this" and I had never really thought that before. The feeling of sadness that came from that thought overwhelmed me. I MUST do this.

I don't think I quite believe in me, but she seems to. She said that those things that are most hard are the ones we feel most proud of in the end. So I have to just believe that some day I will play music from my heart and soul, not just from my mind. Others will enjoy what I am playing not only because it's lovely oboe sound but because I am sharing myself and giving the music meaning through me. T said that if I don't share what's inside that I am being selfish. I guess that means that she thinks there is something good in me to share in the first place. Let's hope so.

I am determined to work through this but am still worried about whether or not I have enough talent. Only time will tell. For now, I just need to keep on practicing. That's the panacea.

Happy Birthday . . .

... to me!!!!!!

I turned 32 today! I still feel like a big kid.

I have a good feeling about the upcoming year. :-)

Progress

I just realized something today: Having nearly weekly lessons has accelerated my progress rate! I don't really mean in terms of audible results. Instead, something is changing inside me. My motivation level and discipline are entering a new, more mature level. I've been having longer (75 min. plus) practice sessions more frequently. Rather than feeling like it's something I have to get through I am starting to feel like I wish I had more time each day to practice. This is certainly a paradigm shift. Knowing that I will see a teacher again in a matter of days instead of weeks has given me the incentive to practice better. For instance tomorrow I will be away from home 8am - 11pm. I plan on getting up at 6am so that I can get an hour of practice in before we leave.

That being said, I didn't play anything at my lesson today. It ended up turning into a long reed lesson. It was a welcome change though because I needed more time to prepare my scales anyway! T makes her reeds quite differently from J, so I was fumbling somewhat which is always frustrating. One of the bad things about being an adult learner is feeling like a complete klutz a lot of the times. I imagine that those that start young grow into these things naturally. I, on the other hand, have to deal with my hands cramping up from holding my knife awkwardly. I did eventually almost finish a reed. As in, all the parts of a reed. J's method consists of completely finishing the tip before even starting on the back. Because my tips are never refined enough I haven't really worked much on the windows or heart ever. T''s method has you doing a little bit of everything and so I finally learned how to get clear windows without killing the spine or sides of the reeds. I need a LOT more practice but now I feel that I know enough to be able to practice at home. I am very curious to find out which method will yield the best reeds for me.

My next lesson will be on Saturday which gives me time to prepare my scales (C's and a review of B's and B-flat's) and to get my Giga faster. I was finally able to get through the darn thing (w/o repeats) yesterday. What a workout!

We (well, I) decided to postpone the Ravel piece for now. I was being impatient in wanting to play things beyond me. Maybe I will try it again soon, but for now it doesn't really make sense to try to play it when I don't yet have all the tools for it. My next piece will be the Marcello concerto in C minor. I'm listening to it on Rhapsody now and it sounds quite beautiful. But that third movement does sound somewhat scary. So many notes and most of them articulated. Ahh! Well, I will order it along with the reed supplies I need to restock on. Oh and I need another instrument stand. I've basically killed the one I have. WHy are music supplies so expensive???

So I asked T if it would be a good idea for me to audition for the Wind Ensemble at school and she said YES! I think it would be a good place for me to get some practice sight reading and playing in tune with others. I was worried that it would distract me from my studies but I think that by September I should be on a roll with practicing and the rehearsals will just be additional practice for me (rather than taking the place of practice). This should help my endurance a lot. I'll also continue meeting my new oboist friend for duets from time to time.

YAY! It feels so right whenever I make more space for music in my life. Why am I constantly trying to sabotage this by trying to force myself to live up to old, outdated dreams (i.e. med school)? Go, go PA!

Mother-in-law induced OCD

Ok, I have been horrid at keeping up with my blog. The problem is that these days I am NOT at the computer all day long. In fact, many days may pass by before I have a chance to sit down at one. I also have my MIL at home for the summer and it's done a number on me.

Oboe is going well, thankfully. As well as it can go when you're only practicing an hour a day. My repeated attempts at working up to two daily practice sessions have been fruitless. I am not sure why it's so difficult. God knows I want it badly enough. I have never in my life wanted anything as much as I want to get good at the oboe. So why then am I lazy? Maybe lazy is not the right word. I mean I am practicing. And I do see improvement at this rate. It just seems very slow. Perhaps the reason is that as you progress it gets exponentially harder to get to the next level. Trying to beat my scale times was sort of fun for a while, but now I am kind of bored of it. Plus I was starting to focus too much on speed and not enough on clarity, sound, and evenness (is that even a word?).

In the last few months I have made improvements in the technique front. I am able to play faster and clearner than before. This is good because it was one of my weakest areas. Now I feel that my weakest area lies in the air stream. I need to focus on breathing and on how I am using my air. I think that once I do that I will be a more even player. Both of my teachers have now told me that I am ready to learn vibrato but neither of them have taught me it yet. We keep getting distracted by other stuff at lessons. And since I don't really want to rush into vibrato I won't push for it. I really want to feel more confident with my air before I get into vibrato anyway. I wonder if a week is enough time? My next lesson is on Sunday.

I am nearly done with my initial studying of the Correlli concerto. I can play all the movements now close to tempo. My intonation has been good, at least when I am being careful about my embouchure and not biting. I need to just work more on expression.

I am also starting on a new piece. We've decided that it's still a bit hard for me but we'll go on with it anyway. It's an oboe version of Ravel's "Piece en forme de Habanera". Technically it's not all that bad except for two scaley runs. The problem is playing it beautifully. It will be a challenge but I really love Ravel and the Tombeau de Couperin is still years away! I must admit, however, that I've been practicing the intro to the Prelude at 40 (real tempo is 92) as a way to warm up the last few days. I also dabble at the Minuet intro and the Rigaudon solo. I can't help myself! Gimme my Ravel! *giggle*

I passed the 1.5 year mark a few weeks ago. Though the Type-A part of me focuses on everything that needs to improve I think that I should feel pretty good with my progress thus far. I seriously thought it would take YEARS to play scales on the oboe. Everyone had said it was so hard that they had freaked me out. I can't do scales lightning speed yet but I can certainly do any of them slowly enough. And who would have thought that I'd be playing the Habanera piece at 19 months? Now if I could only make myself walk down the stairs for a second practice session tonight!!!

Scales can be your friend

I'm pleased to say that practicing is going much betters these days. I have fallen into a nice little groove after being in a plateau for a while. What helped was making my practices more structured (T's suggestion). It started with trying to work on scales more consistenly. She assigns me a scale for the week to work on in major and all three minor forms. I then decided to keep track of my tempi on paper every several days. Then I decided to make my long tone notes be the ones of the major triad of my weekly scale. My long tone/scale work up takes at least 30 minutes (I make sure I play the scale satisfactorily at least 3 times) and by then I am nice and ready for music. Or on days where time is limited I at least get a GOOD warmup in.

By breaking up my big goal of becoming a good oboist into something more tangible (getting my scales faster) I've been able to feel much better about my practice time. I feel more productive and I can see my improvement. And yes, I can hear it too. My scales are becoming more even and my intonation is improving. My fingers feel more agile. I even think that my sound is slightly better.

Previously when a reed died on me I knew I had a week of bad practices ahead of me as I tried to adjust to a new reed. With this new warmup it now takes only an hour or so to break in a new reed as opposed to days. It's much easier to tolerate a hard reed when you're doing scales than when you're rushing to play real music.

Who would have thought that scales could be so friendly? I will never avoid them again!

Redemption

So after that awful performance experience I was blessed with one of my most wonderfully musical days ever this past Wednesday. Even before the Fiasco of 2006 I had been looking around for other people to play with. All three of the other quartet players are out of commission right now. The bassoonist is no longer practicing his instrument and is too busy with his recording studio. The flutist moved across the Tappan Zee bridge. The clarinetist basically tore down his house and is rebuilding it from scratch. This is why I took on that gig in the first place. I had gotten somewhat desperate to play with others. But now I realize that it's best to wait for the right opportunity instead. Luna and I might be alone for quite some time yet still.

Or maybe not . . . Some time last year I joined the Amateur Chamber Music Players, Inc. One of the perks of joining is that you are included in their directory of amateur players and you gain access to said directory. One of the things you must do before you're listed is rate yourself according to this scale:

A. "Excellent."
You know much of the standard repertoire, from many time periods and for a variety of ensembles including your instrument, "inside out." If your partners make a mistake, you can often bring them back in without stopping. You are a prima sight-reader and you consistently sound excellent on your instrument. You already aim for cohesive musical expressiveness with attention to fine nuance on a first reading.

B. "Good."
You are quite familiar with portions of the standard repertoire (perhaps pieces from certain periods or for certain instrumental combinations). You generally sound good on your instrument and sight-reading is not a problem. You usually pay attention to blend, balance, dynamics, and basic phrasing on a first reading.

C. "Fair."
You are in the process of exploring the standard repertoire, perhaps avoiding those works that are currently too technically challenging. You concentrate on not making major mistakes while reading an unfamiliar part, though you are aware of what the others are doing. You often slow down a fast movement for technical reasons.

D. "Etc."
You play a repertoire carefully chosen to be within your technical limitations. On a first reading, you usually aim to get through the music and end together without too many stops and starts in between.


At the time I joined I rated myself a "D". Even still I'd call myself a D+ or perhaps a C-. I am not sure that I am quite yet exploring the standard oboe repertoire. Anyway, there are not all that many other D players. While I do want to challenge myself I don't want to ruin anyone else's experience by stumbling all over the place. So about a month ago I looked through the directory and found one other D oboist in my area. We corresponded via email and then by phone and agreed to meet on Wednesday.

Wednesday, June 14th:

10:30 - 1:20
I am pleased to say that my meeting with the oboist went very well! We were both quite nervous at first and weren't really sure where to start. We talked for a bit about how we got involved with the oboe and what we've done so far. He's been playing for 2 years and it turns out we're more or less on the same level. Though they were a bit on the easy side, we had loads of fun going through duets from my method books. We played for so long that both of us were almost too tired to talk! We will definitely be meeting up again as his schedule permits (he's often on religious missions). I even got to eat lunch at the parish house which was fun!

1:20 - 2:20
I ran out of there and took a bus then the subway to T's house for a lesson. I ended up getting there 20 minutes late - yikes!

2:20 - 4:00
Luckily she did not have a rehearsal or other lesson to run to and we ended up together for quite a while. I was concerned about whether I'd be able to play after my 2 hours with my new oboe buddy, but my fears were needless. The lesson went quite well. I've improved at my dynamics control while doing long tones, though she still wants my forte to be a lot louder. And I'm breathing slightly better too. Other oboists out there: do you breathe through your mouth or your nose or both? I sort of mangled the B-flat scales I had prepared but eventually I got them out. I'm still struggling with the fingerings that T wants me to use. No forked F's at all means that I end up doing some fancy stuff with my right pinky on the B-flat minor scales. Next time we meet I have to prepare B scales. The minors are easy there, only the major scale is a bit tricky. I have no excuse to be sloppy next time.

I played the second movement of my Correlli and she was mostly satisfied with it. She thinks I can play it at tempo (100) even though I've been practicing it closer to 80. So for my next lesson I have to play it at tempo and also prepare the third and fourth movements. She said that she gave me a lot to do because she thinks I can handle it. Cool!

Oh I forgot to mention that at the lesson before this one I asked her what my "level" is and she said I was playing at around a sophomore in high school level. That's pretty cool for 1.5 years I think.

4:00 - 4:30
Pizza break

4:30 - 5:45
My musical day wasn't over yet. I take the subway down to 59th street and walk over to Patelson's Music House. After looking through all they had for oboe solo/duo I ended up purchasing two books of oboe duets for my new friend and me. They were $20 a piece but now we have 41 new duets to play and these are more substantive than the ones in my method books. I also saw several "real" duets that we can aspire to play in the future. There was one with strings accompaniment which looked really interesting. He met some string players through ACMP so whenever we're ready they can help us with it.

5:45 - 6:00
As I sit on a crosstown bus on my way to meet the hubby I reflect upon the day so far. I feel completely happy and satisfied and realize that this must be what it feels like to live like a musician (well without the pressure and financial woes). Everything I had done thus far that day had been music-related. Boy did that feel good! I even ended up playing for 3.5 hours!

I know that not all days can be like this. But wouldn't life be great if I could have days like this at least every once in a while? Ahhhh ...

Oily scissorhands (somewhat of a rant)

There are many interesting expressions used in the merengue scene. Many of which, I suspect, only make sense to the people involved. I was reminded of them last weekend as I got through that church "concert" and will attempt to share them.

One of the expressions is tijera' or scissors (Dominicans seldom pronounce the "s" at the end of a word). The word is often used as a verb, tijerear, to mean something like " to heavily criticize other musicians or music". Though the connotation is somewhat negative tijereros who actually know what they're talking about are usually well respected. Of course, there are also many folks who should just be at home practicing but instead are out tijereando.

The other expression is aceitoso(a) which literally means "oily man (or woman)". This one is used to describe someone who has become a showoff. It's also used in a more general sense when someone is having a bad day and acting a bit distant. In fact, if you're not deemed as being down with the crowd for whatever reason you might be called an aceitoso.

Well, after above-mentioned church concert this past weekend I may have just become an oily scissorhands. In a word the whole thing was CHAOTIC. The arranger had interesting ideas but was overly ambitious given the amount of time we had to rehearse and the talent of the singers involved. Also, his harmonic ear is pretty limited. My husband and I kept encouraging him to reharmonize some things but everything we suggested sounded wrong to him because he only believes in like three chords. The sound system was atrocious. I still have no idea what people were hearing. On stage, all we heard was noise. You can't imagine how frustrating it was to try to play oboe on songs it simply didn't fit well in and then to try to be heard over a bunch of amplified instruments. We had three keyboards for God's sake. Then there were the diva attitudes. If you can't sing on pitch you should NOT be acting like a diva. Enough said. Even the MC's had an attitude. One of the them had the nerve to try to cut short the singer from my choir (who was a special guest). He was one of the few real artists there! ARG!

I really care for my friend the arranger but I don't think I ever want to be involved in something like this again. I understand that I am not a great oboist yet, but I will be damned if I am stuck playing at this level for the rest of my life!

Yes, I HAVE become a Classical music snob. My friends will just have to deal. I don't want to play other types of music on my oboe. I don't want to play crappy arrangements where my instrument isn't used well. And I don't want to mess up my embouchure trying to play ffffff.

Where are you oh other serious amateurs??

The only way I can ensure that I will NOT be stuck at that level is by becoming my best which means that I need ample amounts of TIME to practice. So this does actually tie in to my latest posts about my career junk. For now, what feels most comfortable is postponing school thoughts at least temporarily and focusing on oboe and my body.

This is what I'd be looking forward to

I've been a faithful reader of this medical blog for a while. Her latest post is pertinent to what I've been babbling about here. The poor thing basically has no time for anything. She's a resident and a new mom and she and her husband spent a grand total of 8 hours together all week. There would be no time for music in that case. I know that she's a resident and that residency is supposed to be hard. But I honestly don't think I could survive those three years with my sanity intact. And not to mention that the 4 years before that are pretty crappy too. And in today's climate life doesn't get substantially better even when you're done.

It seems that the folks who have made medicine and music work are either older doctors who were able to make a decent living while that was still possible or folks who can afford to go very part-time. Based on all the research I've done with people entering the profession nowadays, the future looks very very bleak.

When I read stuff like that blog I am convinced, at least temporarily, that I never EVER want to put myself through that. Not even for one day. Especially not for years on end. So if I know this already, why can't I just let go??

Act II

Was going to put this under comments to the previous post but then decided to just post it separately because it was getting kind of long. Thanks for the responses so far. They were greatly appreciated.

I've been looking into some of the other fields, but I admit only half-heartedly. I am somewhat uncomfortable with not going "all the way" and not having complete autonomy (though not even MDs really have that these days due to the insurance issues). That all being said if I manage to rule medicine and dentistry out, I'd still consider PA or PT.

For now I am putting my hopes on that summer research program I start soon. It might work out because I really do love the underlying science. I think that if I find a job where I am always learning and still contributing something to society, albeit indirectly, that perhaps I can still be happy.

Regarding my playing: I just assumed that because I started so late that there is no hope for me ever being a professional. I haven't even allowed myself to think that there is hope because when I do I tend to get starry-eyed and impractical. I do believe that I could get to a point where I could earn *some* money from oboe playing. Maybe by forming a small group to play at weddings or something like that. That would be several years off but it's definitely possible. But given that I live in an expensive area I doubt that I'd be able to make a real living off it. Plus I don't think I'd want it to become my job. I'm not sure I could take that kind of pressure.

Even though I wouldn't be able to live off it I would still like to be the best I could be. I have daydreams where I become a teacher or professor and have the summers off to devote entirely to music. Surely then I could be the best I could be?

I've always wanted to ask my teachers what my potential is but have been embarrassed to. Maybe a part of me is scared about what they'll say. If they were to say that I am not all that talented at oboe I will be sad. But if they say that I could have made it to the top I may become consumed with trying (however futilely) to live up to my potential.

I definitely can NOT live without playing, that much I know is true. Whether I can be an MD and still play the oboe is uncertain. I think I will have some time, but it's going to be limited compared to what I'd have if I didn't do medicine. If my innate oboe potential is a 500 (random number) I feel that if I go into medicine I am automatically reducing it to at least 250 due to time constraints. Perhaps that is still good enough to join a community orchestra. But maybe I'll get paged during rehearsals or I'll be on call every Tuesday, etc. If I did medicine music will NEVER be first. Medicine will always be first before anything else (even family - ouch!).
But shouldn't your passion be first? Shouldn't I try to hit that 500, or even exceed it?

Medicine and music are indeed doable, particularly for people who are already good at their instrument when they start. And for people who are good at managing their time. I am not in that position though. I'm an intermediate student at best and am a chronic procrastinator. The other issue is that I also have to start thinking about family planning because medical training would run through my thirties and into my forties. So when I add everything up together I can't convince myself that I could still be an oboist if I become a doctor, hence my hesitancy to go into it. I've often been told that you CAN have it all, just not all at the same time. My life choices have brought me to this crossroads where I'd either have to try to have it all or will be forced to give something up. And if I had to give up oboe, becoming a mom someday, or medicine, the choice would actually be really easy. Even if I do think "what if" for the rest of my life. 2 out of those 3 things I am 100% I do want.

When I think about my ideal life it includes involvement in many activities: I'd have a job that is intellectually stimulating, not like my position back in corporate America. Preferably it would be in the sciences because science makes the brain happy. Because I do like people, medicine has always seemed like the right choice, but I am actually an introvert by nature. I wouldn't exactly mind working by myself again as long as the work is meaningful to me. I could always hang out with people during lunch. I do want to help people but it doesn't HAVE to be directly through my job. For example, if I were to do research as opposed to clinical work, I could then go into inner city schools as a volunteer and talk to students about careers in the sciences. One of my chemistry professors does this. I really love talking to kids and would enjoy working that into my life somehow. Besides it might be a better way to give back than vaccine injections. I'd also go back to martial arts and finally get my black belt. The older I get the more I realize how important it is to try to stay fit. I'd have time to play my oboe every day and continue lessons. Maybe I'd even be able to take some continuing ed courses in music or something. Several schools around here have wonderful adult certificate programs. I would love to play both in an orchestra and a smaller chamber group someday. And let's not forget time for spiritual activities, family, and friends. What a busy but enriched life it would be! I've seen it time and time again that I tend to be happiest when my life is balanced, when I am able to include as many of these things as possible without too much stress. I like medicine but am so afraid it's incompatible with this ideal.

My husband too has told me that no matter which route I chose I will always wonder "what if". Maybe I just need to understand that and move on. As wonderful as medicine is every time I make the decision to go through with it I suddenly feel as though I'm trapped inside a box. That I will be in there toiling while the rest of my life happens outside of me. Try as I may I can not get rid of that imagery. When I decide that I won't do it I can imagine a life where I have time to pursue absolutely everything I can dream of. Yet there is also a hint of sadness here because I had to give something I really wanted up. Perhaps it's a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. Do I pick medicine and risk not really being present in my own life? Or do I give it up understanding that I will likely take some regret with me to the grave? I guess I can hope that the joy I will feel through my other activities will make up for it.

Seeking advice

Rather than following my detailed schedule for MCAT studying I've been spending inordinate amounts of time every day thinking about the decision. You know the one. Should I do med school? I had managed to get myself motivated enough about the MCAT by seeing it as a way to redeem myself after a mediocre semester. I guess I can still pull it off. But the question remains. Do I really want to be a doctor? For whatever reason I've got it ingrained into my head that this would be the only job I'd ever really like. But I am really starting to doubt this. I would have no issues going through with it if I could be assured that I'd have time for my other pursuits (oboe). But no one can reassure me of this. If anything most people tell me flat out that I will NOT be able to pursue my oboe studies to the degree that I wish to pursue them. As the days go by I am starting to feel that I should just settle for a job I don't hate and have time for the oboe, rather than going for a job I *think* I might like but have no time for anything.

I ask you this: do you think it would be silly of me to give up on the medicine thing for my oboe? Especially when we all know that I will never be up for any auditions or anything resembling a professional oboe career?

For someone like me it's hard to give up something I think I can be excellent at for something I know I will never be great at. Yet the thought of not even allowing myself to give it a try, no matter how futile, makes me sad. I feel like deep down a part of me would rather be the best amateur oboist I can be rather than a physician. If it took me so long to find my passion, why would I deny myself the opportunity to try to get as far as I can? Sure, I can play oboe as a doctor. I should have some free time here and there. But that's all I can ever hope for. Oboe will have a very secondary role once I'm really into the medicine thing. Even though I can never be great I would still like to devote as much time as possible to the oboe. I don't think that an hour here or there would be enough to make me happy.

Any advice? When I look back on my life in about 20 years' time, which choice will leave me feeling better?