As the days tick on by and the beginning of medical school draws ever closer, I can't shake feelings of impending doom. To be honest, I was very close to giving up my seat a few weeks ago, but I managed to calm myself down a bit. I'm not sure if it was a mild case of PPD, but I realized that I couldn't think of the medical school experience in a positive light at all. Every time I thought of it I thought purely negative things. No wonder I didn't want to go anymore. So I decided to suspend my disbelief and try to be optimistic. Sure there will be bad days, but hopefully I won't regret it every single day. In fact, I am hoping that at the end of it all I will be happy I did it. I better damn be since I am partly giving up the most precious thing on earth - time with my daughter. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I will be a 10 minute walk away and also knowing that my school's curriculum lends itself easily to truancy. All lectures are webcast which will likely mean that I will see them at my mom's while nursing my baby, rather than live. As long as I can keep nursing here with few hitches, I think I will be ok. If I were back to working full-time I'd be with her even less. I think I need to start playing the lottery right about now.
Deep down, I actually am a little excited about the medical school thing. After playing wannabe doctor for most of my life I will finally start training to be one. It's just that everything has become a lower priority to my new role of Mommy.
Even my dear oboe, I must now admit. The other day a friend of mine made a snarky comment along the lines of "Oh, I thought you said you'd never give up the oboe for anything, no matter what." It wasn't the words that bothered me so much, but her tone. I didn't realize that finding a passion would rub a friend the wrong way. Though I have yet to get back to regular practicing, I know that I have not given up on it. I never will. It remains a passion for me. It's just that I need to get used to my new life before I can find its rightful place for it again. It will happen. Sooner rather than later, I hope. A couple of weeks ago I received an email about someone who is interested in forming a wind ensemble. So I really need to get myself back into shape so that I can participate. I'll definitely keep you posted.
The bad news is that when I did try playing the other day, the baby cried :( Guess she didn't like out of tune playing either.
Here she is working on sitting up: