So after having slept on yesterday's feelings I feel quite a bit better today. This early morning email (excerpts below) from my teacher definitely helped:
Excellent lesson today :-)
See how it goes focusing on the main topics we discussed. You're doing great!
All the energy you put into your playing/practicing will come back to you many times over...keep the faith!
I liked that last part: keep the faith. I think that's what I lost temporarily yesterday and whenever that happens a desperate feeling creeps up inside me. I knew going into this that the road would be very long and given my other commitments the road will end up being even longer. I have to remember to not panic nor give up hope. As long as I keep plodding along that road, I *will* get to where I want to be musically.
After my Biology lecture I went over to the hospital for one of my volunteer shifts. Because I am no longer pre-dental I signed up for two medical shifts. One on Mondays at the Metabolic Endocrinology clinic and one on Thursdays at the OB/Gyn clinic. I haven't made the Monday one yet because of the snow storm and the holiday, but today was my second time at the OB clinic. The great thing is that when I shadowed my friend last month he introduced me to one of the other residents and it just so happens that the same resident is at this clinic for the next two months. So as soon as she saw me she took me under her wing and has me follow her around and even help a little bit the entire afternoon. I must admit that whine as I do about it all, I do enjoy medicine. I still don't think it's quite the raw passion of music, but there is nothing I would rather do during my time away from music. If only medicine didn't completely consume you. Then life would be perfect.
My problem is compounded by the fact that I am not already good at my instrument. If it were only a matter of maintenance I wouldn't be so wary about going through the medical training process. If I could only practice an hour a day for a long stretch of time then I may not advance much but I should be able to retain a certain level of expertise. But in my case I am trying to get to the highest level I can attain. A part of me feels that the only way I will ever achieve my goal is if I had some time to devote myself fully to music and then later go back to my studies. But that's not practical. It's theoretically possible but I fear that eventually I'd come to resent my decision if I completely gave up on the sciences.
I'm going in tomorrow to speak to my advisor to let her know that I will likely be delaying my med school application a year. This means that I will be applying next year for admission September 2008. The main reason I am doing this is because I was completely overwhelmed trying to prepare for the April MCAT and do well in my classes. I'd rather take the test later and focus on my courses. The second reason I am doing this is because I am hoping that I can spend these next two and a half years focusing as much time as possible on the oboe. It will be to my advantage to improve as much as possible before medical school. I won't have as much free time again for another 7 years!
I hope this all works out. I dream of a time where I am working as a (part-time)doctor, have a happy family, and am playing in one or two groups of serious amateurs. Is it wrong of me to try to have it all? Am I kidding myself?