Monday, May 11, 2009

Sullied

I keep wanting to steer this back to my optimistic posts about learning the oboe, but instead I feel the need to vent about completely unrelated negative feelings instead.

I thought I was done grieving over medical school, but apparently I'm not. I may no longer be in the deepest part of the ditch, but I'm still muddied. And I think that in order to clean myself off I need to deal with all these feelings instead of pushing them aside.

The other day I was going to make a post entitled "I'm a loser". That's exactly how I felt that morning, and that entire week. Driving up to work evokes feelings of disgust in me because every morning I remember my triumphant "last drive" up here. Back then the possibilities were endless. Now I'm back like a dog with its tail between its legs. What is there to look forward to in this place? Though I did what seemed to be the best thing for my family for now, some days I feel ashamed that I sold my soul for 80k.

God has blessed me with a lot of gifts. Or maybe it's just one gift that manifests itself in many ways. Let's call it "learning agility". This has allowed me to pick things up very quickly, particularly academics, but it works well with art and even physical activities too (or at least it used to). All my life I've felt compelled to learn new things and master them, but in the end I am not great at anything. I guess the gift is a double-edged sword. I think I've never learned to really work through things to get to the next level. I like things in the beginning when they're easy and once I have to put in more effort, things lose their lustre. There are many reasons why I wanted to become a physician. But I suspect one of them was that I saw in it my sole chance to finally become great at something. It was supposed to be something beautiful and noble, that would combine goals in several areas of my life. Giving that up has left a hole in me that I am not sure I'll ever be able to fill.

I'll try for sure. I'll try to focus on all those other unfinished things in my life. And I will focus on become the best Mom ever. But I know I will fail at that, because as a human we all do. No one can be perfect. But I already feel the unrest building inside. The urge to hate myself again. But this is not the model I want to set up for my beautiful daughter. I want her to be strong and self-confident. I want me to be strong and self-confident.

This weekend I felt good, and got a glimpse of a different life (sans medicine) that could perhaps still be fulfilling. I'll still be scheming my way back in the back of my head, but I intend to focus on all that I have, instead of what I have lost.

I'm going to build the life that I want. But I know that before I do that I still have to face a few more demons.

Ok, now I can get some work done.

3 comments:

Kirti said...

Wow, incredible post. I can relate to SO MUCH of what you said. I am also an avid learner and became a doctor for some of the same reasons as you. I have to admit the reality of the life of a doctor is not exactly what I envisioned. I have found a balance now that allows me to enjoy it, but like you, I'm also trying to build a new dream too...
Good luck to you! Keep your chin up...you are a compelling writer!

T. said...

Kirti - isn't Hilda's way with words an absolute and total GIFT and blessing?

Hilda - hang in there. You are such a talented woman and a lovely person; I have faith that you'll find the path you want. Thanks for inspiring us fellow-gals who also love to learn!

Waterfall said...

Hi, Hilda. This is my first visit to your blog in a looong time. I cried when I read this post. I know exactly how you feel. I think the same thoughts all the time. "Learning agility" is a great term. I have the same thing. Good at everything, great at nothing. Always getting distracted by some other irresistible learning experience.

Keep us posted on how your doing (or maybe you already have ... I still need to read your next post!).

I'll try not to be such a stranger from now on!