The end of an era

I'm supposed to be at Mass right now, but I decided not to go. Well, it wasn't that I didn't go at all, I actually did go. I attended Mass at the local church here because I elected not to drive into the City today to go to our regular church. First off because I've been super sick all week. This is the absolute worst I've felt all pregnancy. It started Monday afternoon with general malaise, sort of like when you're coming down with the flu. Instead I got a very nasty upper respiratory tract infection. At one point I could barely breathe and had no energy to do anything but lie down (which made breathing even harder). I ended up going back for monitoring on Thursday and me and the baby were both tachycardic due to my fever. I'm doing better now, thank God. At least coughing no longer feels like I'm spewing parts of my lung out.

But the real reason I decided not to go to Mass today was because it was supposed to be our "last" Mass. Let me go back a little bit to put things in perspective.

I was baptized at this church in 1975 (age 1) and it has been my parish ever since. I attended grammar/junior high school there and completed ALL of my sacraments there. Up until college I attended the English masses as these were similar to the ones we would attend as part of school. Then in 1991 or so I started attending the "charismatic" mass in the downstairs chapel. All the parts of the Mass are essentially the same. The only difference is that everything that can be sung is sung, and that the style of the music itself is not hymns accompanied by an organ, rather it's more of a folk/popular music style. At first there was only a guitarist there but eventually they added electric bass and drums. Also, the singers used microphones. In the Fall of 1992 I was invited into this choir (as a singer) by the then director. When I became a music major in 1994 and started learning music theory I became more involved in the actual music itself. When the bass player left in 1995, I looked to the new guitarist (my now husband) to help me figure out how to play. By the beginning of 1996 I became the group's bassist. When the director left around 1997 or so, he named my boyfriend (now husband) and I the new directors, a post we've held ever since. Aside from the selection and playing of the music, we also have had to deal with a slew of "people management" issues throughout the years. At one point all the original members were replaced by young people and there were many diva/divo problems for years. Eventually people matured but hard feelings remained. Then there were personal problems that some members had and insisted involving everyone in. Then there were issues with the other groups of the church. Though we stayed amongst ourselves, there was also some degree of rivalry between all the groups. Because we were the only group with "professional" musicians (by then both my husband and I were gigging around town) the other groups I think felt threatened by this. Oh, then there was also the issue of some priests not really liking to serve our mass because they weren't into the whole folk music thing. Anyway, in spite of all this drama we stayed true to the group, even though we never received a single cent or even a "thank you" from the parish. We loved the community and the music so much that it didn't matter. We felt that we were both growing as people and serving God at the same time, so what could be better. As the years passed, this feeling diminished somewhat. Maybe it was due to members slowly but surely departing. Regardless when we moved out of the City in 2004, we kept serving the Mass. Even though other members had moved right around the block and used that as an excuse to stop going. Our mass may be "fun" to participate in, but it is a HUGE commitment. It comes smack in the middle of your Sunday (1:00 - 2:30) and when you count set up and take down time you are there from noon to 3. This kind of kills your day (especially for us commuters) since you couldn't do anything before or after. Anyway, we kept going. By this time my husband was no longer as keen on it as I was, but I really needed a connection back to my hometown now that I was living in the "burbs". And so things have remained the past 3-4 years, but slowly even I have started feeling like our time there was up, that we had overstayed our welcome and that the group was ready for another rebirth.

I may have never had the courage to even *think* of leaving were it not for the two big things happening this year: med school and the baby. And actually it's more the school thing that was the beginning of the end. I knew I wanted to go to school in the City because I still miss it and that's where I wish I was. I though of having to commute in every weekday for classes and realized that commuting a 6th day would be ludicrous. One, gas prices are so high these days and two (most importantly) I am going to need a break from the commuting so that I can spend some quality time at home studying or with my husband/child. As the reality of med school drew closer, I realized there was no way I could easily fit my church activity into the mix any longer. Besides, there are a slew of churches here in Westchester, some of which may be a better fit for who I am today (as oppposed to who I growing up). So we told the group that since I'd have to go "on leave" anyway due to the baby, that we would simply not come back. By the time we'd be ready to return it would almost be time for school to start anyway. So the group has known for a while that March 30th would be our "last Mass".

Little did I expect the torrent of emotion I am feeling right now. I never expected it to hurt quite this much. I don't know if it's because it's been my church all my life or if it's that I became too attached to the music. All I know is that when I attended that other Mass today I spent the whole mass tearing up thinking of my Mass. The building, the people, our little corner where we sit at with the instruments. I saw so many years flash by me. Different people who've come and gone. Different priests. The seat where my Mom usually sits at and how much she's changed since 1992. We were unable to find replacements for ourselves because none of the musicians we know are willing to take on the responsibility for no reimbursement. So supposedly the one singer we had left is staying with this semi-responsible younger musician. Who knows how long it will last? I keep thinking of how disappointed the nearly 1000 people who go there will be when they realize we are not coming back. Will they resent my baby thinking it was her "fault"? No one really knows that I am going back to school or what it will entail and that THAT is the real reason I am not going back. That, and a tiny bit of resentment about how we've not been appreciated ever. I realize now that we provided the very best of ourselves that we could and that the result was aesthetic pleasing and professional. It always stings a little to go other places, hear a cacophany, yet see the appreciation of the priests.

Anyway, I just couldn't bear to go today. Because as much as I begged the others not to tell anyone that it was our last mass I have a feeling they were planning some kind of announcement and I would have been mortified because I hate when people use announcements for personal news. I am glad I didn't go because if I cried at this other church I would have surely bawled at ours, knowing it may be the last time (at least officially). If they manage to keep the group going and we have an off week here or there, we would be open to going in to help. That's part of why I didn't want any announcements because then it would be awkward to go back.

How am I supposed to go on without something that's been such a huge part of my life for over 15 years?? I thought it would be easy to find a church here and set up a contract and start getting paid for our services. But now I realize it may not really feel right. There are a lot of other feelings/issues going on that I think I've been covering up with the music all these years.

Regardless, today is the official end of an era. What once was, will no longer be. Ever again. And for now all I can think of doing is mourn for it.

Goodbye, my lifelong friend. I hope I've done the right thing.

POM update

Wow, I can't believe this much time has passed since my last update. Oh dear. I'm not even going to bother making excuses at this point. But I did want to share what I am up to.

Premed:
I have wonderful news on this front. I have been accepted at my top three choices!! Now it's a matter of how the financial aid pans out. God willing I will be a first year at either Cornell, Columbia, or Albert Einstein this August. This is exciting and scary at the same time. Medical school has been in the background since my high school days and suddenly it will become a major aspect in my life, in an almost violent way. With a baby on board also, it can all feel overwhelming. But I am trying to remain positive and focusing on the fact that I am realizing a life-long dream.

Baby:
I am now 33 weeks. I can't believe this either. It still feels surreal but the realization that another person is coming into our lives is slowly sinking in. That, and her head looked mighty large on that ultrasound yesterday. *gulp* She's weighing in at just under 4 pounds and is head down, so all looks good. I haven't put up many belly shots because they've been mostly anti-climatic. I've looked the same for a while and only recently have people started noticing that I am actually pregnant. I waited all my life to NOT have to hide my belly and of course mine decided to be pretty small. I guess I shouldn't complain and it still may pop yet, but I have to admit that it's been a bit of a let down, especially when all the other pregnant ladies I see have big, cute, round bellies. Well the important thing is that my baby is doing just fine inside her oblong home. The funny thing is that when I went shopping for what to wear for my shower I made sure the blouse made me look bigger than I am hahaha.

My baby shower is this coming Sunday. My husband and I ended up planning it ourselves (long story). It will be a "traditional" girls-only (except for JC) shower, which is causing some headaches because that's not the way people run these things back home. Normally our showers are more like regular, co-ed parties. But I have always really hated the idea of people drinking and dancing as a way of "celebrating" a birth. So from the get go I knew I wanted something more elegant and appropriate, i.e. a nice lunch with my girlfriends, allowing us a chance to catch up. Since no one in my family knew what to make of this we had to just do it ourselves. Everyone is excited about it except, of course, distant relatives who want to bring significant others, friends, and kids along even though we explained that we are running out of room and are paying per head. *sigh*

Oboe:
Last but certainly not least. My playing is going almost as slowly as the blogging, unfortunately. With continued drowsiness it has been impossible to continue with my daily practice routine. And you all know that once you fall out of it, you basically have to start over again, little by little. At this point I have finally realized that now is not the time to restart my routine as it will surely be interrupted in about 7 weeks. So I think I need to stop feeling guilty and stop beating myself up and just relaxing and realizing that my oboe won't go anywhere. It's going to be a pain but hopefully by the summertime I can resume more regular practicing. I doubt it will be 1-2 hours anymore, but I will be happy if I can get in a good 30 minutes a day again at some point. I will try to meet one more time with my teacher this month so that she can give me some stuff to do at home for the next few months. I need to take this break from lessons because it just doesn't make sense for me to pay for lessons I can't prepare for. It's a waste of both our times and it gives me a lot of negative feelings because I want to be giving it my all.

That all being said, it's not that I am not playing at all. I do play a few times a week just to make sure I don't completely lose it. In fact, I am going to participate in one more concert with the Downtown Symphony. The concert is next Wednesday and I will be playing second oboe in Bizet's Symphony in C. I even have a little solo in the slow movement. That whole movement is absolutely beautiful! But I can't believe how LONG the phrases are at the end. I heard a recording of it and I can't tell where the person is breathing. It's amazing!

Ugh just thinking about taking a break from lessons is making me sad. *sniff* But I feel that if I keep being hard on myself it will make things worse and demotivate me even more. As school gets closer I will be more inclined to practice again (1) because I have to have a pattern in place so that it's easy to keep following and (2) because I might have the opportunity to find others to play with so I will have to get back into shape.

But for now I think I need to take it a bit easier. I have 4 weeks of work left and then after that I have some major organizing to do at home. Hopefully I'll find some time in there to play a few notes at least :-)

Nemo boobs!!

Ok so this is the show I vow to never take my kid to:



Did they really not realize that the eyes are in an awkward position?? Actually maybe that's part of the plan. I think that if I went to it I'd be laughing like a 12 year old boy the entire time. It just seems wrong on so many levels!!

Things I've wanted to post about but have been too lazy to

It's not that I don't want to write, it's just that I never get around to it. I will make some comments about posts I recently wanted to make. What's funny is that while I am walking around at work I will compose nice posts in my mind, but by the time I get home the inspiration is gone. Well, here goes nothing . . .

(1) Working out to music
There was a recent NY Times article about working out to music. Apparently someone figured out that there is a correlation between tempo and workout performance. You know, I (and probably a lot of other people) had already figured that out on my own. In fact, I have been known to turn back from the gym if my mp3 player dies out on me. I can't work out at all without my music these days. Typically I would do cardio first and then some weight training. The type of music is not as important for my weight training. If I was very tired, I'd listen to something mellow. If I was still pumped from the cardio I'd keep it at a high energy level. However, my cardio performance was definitely dependent on the music. Luckily I grew up listening to merengue. While my music is frequently criticized for being monotonous this works very well for working out. The article mentioned that jazz (which tends to be idolized, but that's a whole other post) is actually quite bad for working out because of all the tempo changes. While the article failed to mention merengue or other world music as good choices, it did sort of allude to it. My favorite type of merengue to listen to for aesthetic purposes is that from the 80's. That's when the music was at its height. For example, my favorite artist is Ramon Orlando who is a Classically trained pianist and arranger/composer. His merengues are simply beautiful. He writes classical lines with harmonies that work well with the feeling of the song. His sense of orchestration is wonderful due to his Classical roots. He's sometimes been criticized for not being jazzy enough, like Juan Luis Guerra, but frankly I don't think that jazzy always works in merengue. It has to be subtle (NOT like JLG's very first production). While I love to listen to Ramon Orlando's stuff it's not what I typically work out to. In recent years a new type of merengue emerged that some folks refer to as "calle" merengue or "street". I may have written about it in the past and referred to it as a "minimalist" type of merengue because everything is pared down: the harmonies are super simple (in fact, some songs stay on the same chord), the wind mambos are also simplified (or sometimes played by synthesizers - oh the horror!), the lyrics are not inspiring, and the tempi are VERY fast. Many of these songs are almost too painful to listen to, but a few artists are not so bad. These decent artists are actually GREAT to work out to. Other merengue substyles that work really well are tipico (perico ripiao) or palo. While the article listed a tempo of about 130 as ideal here are some of the tunes I was working out to. Tempi are approximate cause my digital metronome needs a new battery.

Julian Oro Duro - "Pasa y sientate" Tempo 162 after a slow intro. This was my favorite for getting started on the jog.
Julian Oro Duro - "Cuando baje la marea" Tempo 172
Julian Oro Duro - "Chinito" (quite politically incorrect) Tempo 192!!
Kinito Mendez - "A palo limpio" This one would inspire me to break out into a full out run even if my heart was beating out of my chest! Tempo 170
Toño Rosario - "Kulikitakati" (the original one - ummm, I don't think it means anything really) Tempo 164
Amarfis - "La Tuerka" (this one is really interesting hahaha! They are playing in D minor and the guy comes in singing a melody in F major. Who knew there was bitonality in merengue music? So what if it was unintentional) Tempo 168
Banda Gorda - "La Cura" Tempo 164
Banda Gorda - "Dejalo Ahi" Tempo 168
El Prodigio - "Baila Mujer" Tempo 160
Jovanny Polanco - "Dile que vuelva" Tempo 170

130? Those guys have to be kidding me. That's hardly a warm-up song! My average is hovering around 170. Hmm, it would be interesting to try to figure out why I need my music to be 30% faster than the general population's. Am I that much more unmotivated? Or is it because I grew up listening to pop music that's generally fast so in order to really work out I need something SUPER fast? That sounds more likely.

Over the past year, thanks to this crazy music, I accomplished something I could never do before: jog for 1 mile w/o stopping. It would take something like 13 minutes but I was so proud of myself for doing it (I think I had the machine at 5.5). Yet I owe it all to a few crazy, fast tunes. Yay, my music is good for something!! Darn, I wish there were an easy way to share these.

I really wanted to make a nice, well-researched, thought out post and possibly even send a response to NY Times. But oh well, this is the best my pregnant scattered brain could muster up.

Oh and I know have lost my oomph to write about my recent medical issues, my latest lesson, and a show I would NEVER take my kid to. Maybe later this week.

2007 is almost over!

Seriously, how is it that each year passes by quicker than the last?

This time of the year always finds me reflecting on where I am and where I want to be. I can't complain about 2007. Things are marching in the right direction finally. It's weird because usually at New Year's I have a long list of things I want to do differently in the coming year. But for the first time I feel quite at peace this New Year's Eve. I'm at a pretty good place.

Yet since old habits die hard I have to include my areas of improvement for next year:
1.) The only area of my life that I feel needs a lot of improvement is my health. I am trying hard not to gain too much weight with the pregnancy since I was already a good 30-40 lbs over my ideal weight. I really need to devote some time & energy into being in shape, ideally before the baby but it might not really happen until afterwards. I'll keep taking it one day at a time and just try to make better choices every day.
2.) Music!! It's been an up and down year on my oboe, but the last few days I have felt more motivated again. I was fearing that I had permanently lost my will to play but realized that this down phase is definitely temporary when I found myself daydreaming about playing in an orchestra. It might take longer, but it will happen someday.
3.) The only other thing I want to change is to get more organized. I am confident this will be taken care of as part of the nesting thing. I have plans to reorganize things in our house because I know that if I don't do that before the baby comes, it will never be done. I can't afford to still be disorganize once school starts because it will add a lot of unnecessary stress to my life.

So basically my goals are to keep working on the things I am working on, just in a more consistent fashion.

I wish everyone the very best for 2008. May it a wonderful year for you too!

And I will leave you with a little survey:

IN 2008

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Sort of. If going back to school full-time for something completely new counts.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Definitely not.

3. New house?
Nah, we're comfy here for now.

4. What will you do different in 2008?
I will try to be more organized. Otherwise things might get ugly. Also, less procrastination would be nice.

5. New Years resolution?
To get back into shape.

6. What will you not be doing in 2008?
Working!!! After March or so anyway . . .

7. Any trips planned?
Not for 2008.

8. Wedding plans?
Been there, done that.

9. What's on your calendar?
An April 22nd due date . . .

10. What can't you wait for?
See number 9 . . .

11. What would you like to see happen different?
Less family drama would be nice.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
God willing, I'll become a mommy. I'll also become a medical student.

13. What happened in '07 that you didn't think would ever happen?
I took the MCAT, applied to medical schools, and got accepted into two so far.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I will need to be LOL!

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Yes, I am hoping to look a bit more polished.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I hope restart drinking. Now that I can't have any I randomly crave wine, beer, piña coladas, mai tais, or drambuie.

17. Will you have better relationship with your family?
I am praying for it.

18. Will you do charity work?
Probably some free clinic volunteering.

19. Will you go to bars?
Perhaps, though unlikely. Maybe as part of those socializing events at school. Never been into bars.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I always try to be.

21. Do you expect 2008 to be a good year for you?
2008 is going to be HUGE year for me. Many old dreams will be coming true.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I *finally* got my shit together.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Why now that you ask, yes.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Yes and will probably make a handful of new friends at school.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Hmm, let me see . . . a newborn and medical school. Oh yeah. Major lifestyle changes . . .

26. Will you be moving?
Didn't we go over this already. No. But I will be going into the City every weekday again, so it might feel like we're moving back to my parents'.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2008 that happened in '07?
Getting stepped on by pushy people.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Hang out with the family and then perhaps with some friends.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
My JC!

30. Wish for 2008:
Health and happiness for everyone!

The best week in a while

This week has been quite good.

It started off with a nice lesson where I played the Schumann Romance until my mouth hurt. It was one of our most productive lessons yet in terms of the playing. I even made a half decent reed after a reed hiatus.

A day later I *finally* started feeling the baby move in a consistent manner. I was starting to worry since I'm already 22 weeks. I started calling her "the lazy baby". My husband didn't like that and insisted that it's just that she is a good baby. Anyway, I felt her for the first time while driving my Mom to the mall. We were stuck in traffic and I really had to go and there she was . . . doing shiatsu on my bladder apparently. It was the first time I felt something definite in there and it's been a relief and a source of entertainment too. Apparently she has little parties in there after my meals. She's going to enjoy food just like her Mama. Oh dear . . .

Then today I get this email:

Greetings and Welcome to Weill Cornell Medical College!

On behalf of our Committee on Admissions, it is my pleasure to let you know that you have been selected for an early offer of admission to our 2008 entering class.


There was more but that was the part that I kept reading over and over and over again. I received the email at work and at first I thought it was a prank. But no, it really did come from the Admissions people. They normally don't notify until March but they do let a select few in in December. I had a pretty good feeling that I was getting in, but I was not expecting to be in the early pack. This is really a high! I struggled with the decision for so long and it feels sooooooooo good to be at this end and to finally feel like I did the right thing. I am really honored that they chose me as part of this group. Perhaps they're seeing something in me that I haven't quite seen yet. This is definitely a nice ego boost. :-)

Too bad I can't drink because I would really love a toast right now!

Oboe Anniversary!

Oh my gosh, I've been so busy these days that I neglected to note my oboe anniversary.
December 9th of this year marked my having played for 3 years. Time sure does fly when you're having fun.

Last year I had many lofty goals and it didn't end up quite working out that way, though I do know that I did progress. This time I just hope for continual improvement and motivation to practice.

My poor sweet oboe. It's been neglected lately. But rest assured, that it is still one of the top 5 things in my life.

Here's to a lifetime of playing!!

Romance No. 1 (I love you, Schumann)

Because I am out of shape on my oboe the Mozart has been relegated a "reach" piece again and we're taking a little break from it. As my teacher said, it will always be there to work on since it's such a famous piece. In the interim we started working on the first Schumann Romance and I am loving it so far! First and foremost, it has remotivated me to practice. I had NOT been feeling the desire to practice for months now and I am not sure it was entirely due to my pregnancy-induced exhaustion. I think I still was subconsiously frustrated about not really having others to play with because even though I am unofficially part of an orchestra it doesn't really feel as good as it should because I miss most of the rehearsals. But anyway, whatever the reason was I do feel the need to practice every day again (though afore-mentioned exhaustion does get in the way a lot of times). Even if it's not quite happening as much as I'd like I am just happy to have that feeling again.

I think that the Schumann was the perfect piece to help me ease back into playing "real music". After being out of practice so long my embouchure had shifted again, affecting my sound and intonation. Before I could really start working on that piece I *HAD* to work on getting a better sound again. It's such a beautiful, deceptively simple piece that the sound is a huge part of what makes it. So there was no way I could really start practicing it with what was coming out of my oboe at first. Thankfully it didn't take as long as I thought to regain some of the sound improvements I had made earlier this year. I am still not back to where I was, but the sound is much better than a month ago. Also, intonation improvement came along with the sound improvement (since it was my biting the reed that was mucking up my sound AND tuning). At my previous lesson we talked about opening things up in the jaw and throat and getting the corners of my mouth back to where they should be. All that advice helped a lot.

Another way that the piece helps with sound and intonation is through the wide intervals in it. Though it doesn't sound technically challenging, it's quite difficult to in terms of dynamics, breath control, and phrasing. These are all things that I am enjoying working on because at least the pace of this piece is not as fast and furious as in the Mozart.

We went through the entire piece at my lesson this past Monday and it went better than expected. I hope it continues to improve for next week. :-)

Yay, I am playing again!!!!!!!

It's a girl!!

Yay! My nascent maternal instinct was right: my baby is indeed a girl. We both feel very happy and blessed that everything is in its place and she is as healthy as she can be. Mommy, on the other hand, may need to be put back on the beta blockers because my pressure and heart rate have crept up semi-alarmingly. I will see my regular OB and my cardiologist next week to see if they agree with the perinatologist.

Here are some 3D pics of her:


She looks like she's singing here instead of yawning:

Big day tomorrow

Tomorrow is our "big ultrasound". That's the one where they check the anatomy, including the private parts. I have to admit I was very impatient about finding out the gender at first. My slight preference differed from my husband's. But as the weeks have dragged on by (it's been 8 weeks since we've peeked at the little one) I am becoming more anxious about the health of the baby and no longer care about the gender. I mean, sure, I want to find out but whatever slight preference I had is mostly gone. Partly, I am worried because I am 20 weeks and haven't felt any consistent baby motion. So I am just praying that when we look tomorrow that everything is in place and that my baby is just peaceful (not "lazy" as Mom put it hahaha).

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if there were not at least some drama. My husband took tomorrow off early on but found out just a couple of weeks ago that his departments HUGE annual meeting is, of course, tomorrow. Since he's their network and audio/visual person he ideally should be there, but won't because he will be with me at Greenwich Hospital. What they offered to do was house him in a hotel room in the City tonight so that he can set up the stuff tonight and early tomorrow morning, go up with me, and then go back in in the afternoon. Being a native New Yorker who never could afford to live in the posh areas I could not pass up the opportunity to sleep over with him so I am taking the train down and meeting him in a few hours. We'll have a nice dinner, play some final baby name games, watch heroes, and then sleep.

See you all tomorrow when I'll hopefully have some good news!

A lesson!

This past Monday I had my first lesson in two months. Neither of us could believe that that much time had passed since our last meeting. She had been traveling a bit, but mostly I just hadn't been up to it. I went through a period of severe drowsiness for a few months and lost all motivation to practice (or do anything else other than sleep). Now that my appetite is back and I don't need to sleep 20 hours a day, I am slowly trying to get back to my playing.

Taking a two month break from seeing your teacher early on in your musical education is not the best idea in the world. Apparently I developed quite a few bad habits in my time alone.

The embouchure (surprise, surprise) had creeped back a little (my corners). But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst is that I was biting quite strongly. *sigh* I had gotten so used to it that I hadn't noticed what it was doing to my intonation until she played something. Ouch! So now I have to get my jaw and throat looser and more open, while bringing my corners back forward. How frustrating to have to work on that all again when I had it almost done earlier this year. Oh well. She did think that I would get back into shape rather quickly as she noted improvement even by the end of the lesson.

The other weird thing I am doing is excessive motion with my fingers. I do think this was always going on, as it was also a problem for me back in my saxophone days. But feeling clumsy due to non-practice exacerbated the problem because in my mind I am panicking to reach the right notes.

So I am going to try to keep these two things in mind (along with everything else this week) as I work on bringing my Mozart back up to speed. I am also going to start working on the 1st Schumann Romance as a "break" piece, just to not have to spend all my time and energy on the Mozart.

I think that for now the most important thing is getting back into my daily practice routine. For me what has worked the best is to tell myself that I will practice just 15 minutes a day, as long as I get it in every day, as opposed to trying for 1 hour sessions each time. By doing this it gets me on the instrument and almost always I end up playing at least 30-45 minutes, not only 15. It's going to be a slow climb back up but I finally feel the desire again. It's just weird because I am usually a lot harder on myself but I've had to let things go and just take things one day at a time.

Happy playing!

Changed the look a bit

I was contemplating closing the blog down because I felt that I had lost my voice. Perhaps it's not so much that I lost it, but that it has changed. For a while I had the luxury of spending a LOT of time thinking about my newfound oboe obsession. But with medical school and motherhood around the corner, I just can't seem to write the same kind of musical posts as before. Yet I do still feel that I want to write things down so that I can look back at this someday. So I've switched the title to something kind of silly but which also encompasses my triumvirate. I will still write about my oboe happenings though things will likely remain slow like now.

Oh and didn't purposely leave the hubby out of my "three". He's already part of all and everything I do and am.

DEBUT!

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. It was my orchestral debut. The Downtown Symphony had its first concert of the season last night and I played in the Franck symphony as well as the Chaminade Concertino for Flute and Orchestra. But before I did that I had to go through another medical school interview. My alma mater emailed me on Friday to let me know that I had an interview coming up in 5 days. Oh, and I had to be there at 8AM for a special breakfast. FUN! My husband was supposed to drive me in but then that fell through so I had to wake up before dawn in order to make sure that I'd make it to upper Manhattan while there were still available parking spaces. Luckily for me there is no alternate side parking up there on Wednesdays so I was able to find something on a remote avenue. After having two successful interviews I was nervous that my luck would run out at one of my top choices. Thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful interviewer who is very committed to recruitment and was very receptive to my path to medicine. So now I have 3 good interviews down.

Oh, let me back up at this point. So as I mentioned earlier it was a stressful morning for me. Before I could leave the house I had to pack everything I would need for both my interview and the concert. I wanted to be prepared but I couldn't afford to travel too heavily either. And I'm doing all this while wearing my suit. I am not used to dressing up and it tends to make me uncomfortable. Anyway, so at 6 something I was running a mental note of everything I needed to take with me.

Interview portfolio with my primary application, the particular school's secondary application, and my list of questions . . . CHECK
Necessary toiletries for the day . . . CHECK
A non-bulky change of shoes in case the feet get really painful . . . CHECK
An umbrella because it had to rain, of course . . . CHECK
My IPOD for the subway ride to BMCC . . . CHECK
The music I was playing for the concert . . . CHECK
My oboe . . . CHECK
Black top for the concert . . . CHECK
My reeds . . . . . . . . . oops . . . (Hilda 0, PregnancyBrain 164)

Oh yes my friends. The girl who has waited oh so long to finally play a concert with an orchestra left her reed case on top of the dresser. Luckily I didn't realize this during all the interview mania. In fact, I didn't realize it until I sat down on the subway. I had that giddy "thank GOD I just god a seat 'cause 168th to Chambers is a long @ss ride" feeling when I put my hands on top of my oboe case and it felt odd. Immediately I realized that that good reed case was not there. My older reed case was there with three duds. I fought back tears and decided to just keep on going. At that point it was too late to go home and get back in time for the concert.

Once I got there I tested my duds and they were all awful. One sounded like a kazoo. And the other two leaked so badly that they could only play with waterlogged cigarette paper around them and only for a couple of minutes. Thankfully the first oboist lent me a reed and while it wasn't my usual sound (it felt stuffy) but at least I was able to produce sound predictably on it. My little solo turned out pretty well I think. It may even be on film and if it is I will try to see if I can share it with you.

Overall, the experience was great, though my elation was dampened by the reed fiasco. It was exciting to be up on stage and to watch people come in to see us. Though once they turned the lights on I couldn't see the audience at all. Our conductor got all dressed up! And we had "ringers" who filled in missing parts and supplanted the string section so we sounded much better than during rehearsals. I thought I would have time to think about how miraculous it is to be there actually making the music, but instead I was too worried counting bars and looking at the conductor to make sure I didn't miss anything. I did make mistakes but it didn't really matter as the stakes were low and we were just there to have fun. That was the beauty of it. It was great to be with all these people making music and enjoying it.

I hope this is the first of many, many more concerts.

I'm in an orchestra . . . sort of

So I'm sort of in an orchestra. I say "sort of" because thus far I've only made 2 of the rehearsals and the first concert is 3 weeks away. I had been invited to this orchestra last year but the problem has been that their rehearsals are on Tuesday from 5:30-7:30 at BMCC which is on the southernmost tip of Manhattan. I work at the NY/CT state line and usually don't get out of work on Tuesdays until 6. Last year I didn't even attempt it, but when the lone oboist reached out to me again this year I couldn't resist. If I can sneak out of work and catch the 4:59 train I can make it there at 6:30. Not great but at least it's something. Due to a lot of staffing uneasiness going on at work I am hesitant to ask for a schedule change at this time. As it is, I am the one with the most flexible schedule already since I am technically "part time". I am sure others won't take well to me leaving early on our busiest day of the week. But anyway, for now it looks like I will be allowed to play at the concert. The oboist and I might start getting together on Mondays to go over stuff since that is my day off.

This upcoming concert will feature Cesar Frank's Symphony in D minor. I had never heard the piece previously and knew nothing about the composer. I was saddened to read in my Essential Canon of Classical Music that he did not enjoy much success during his lifetime. In fact, one of the things I love about this symphony (the EH part, of course) was the source of ridicule. Anyway, since I tend to like Romantic music I was ok with the piece from the beginning. Some parts have tense harmonies that sound weird at first but are interesting to play and to feel/hear resolve.

The oboe parts are not too horribly difficult. The ultra slow beginning is difficult to deal with when you're trying to practice at home without a conductor. There are not too many technically difficult or fast sections, but there are some excursions into E-flat minor that get a bit hairy. When the conductor asked what we should be doing right before that key change one of the bassists said "panic". Hahah, my sentiments exactly.

Because there are only two of us oboists and because I don't yet own or play the EH, the other oboist will play that part. The EH has some major play time in the 2nd movement and I had assumed she would try to switch back and forth but instead she wants me to play the 1st oboe part all by myself. That means that I will have some solos, including my own shot at playing the lovely EH theme (the oboe echoes the EH near the end of the movement). It's such a simple yet beautiful melody. And it has my favorite interval! An ascending minor sixth. Ahhh.

Ok, is it just that composers write wonderfully beautiful lines for the EH or is it that everything sounds beautiful when played on an English Horn? Hmmmmmm.

*drum roll*

Hi everyone!!! Without further ado I would like to introduce you to someone:



Yes, it is a baby . . . a baby that's living inside of me for now.

Now for a little interview:

When did you find out you were pregnant?
On August 12th. I had no clue when we left for CA but by the end of the trip I was starting to feel "weird". I was frequently feeling queasy while in cars and I never suffer from motion sickness. Then on the plane ride home I became aware of a hyper sensitive sense of smell. It was as though I was in a cabin of dirty people LOL! The first thing I did when we got back home was take a test. Blood tests the next day confirmed that I was less than 4 weeks which meant that I'd have to wait 8 weeks to share the news!

When are you due?
My due date is April 22, 2008. I will be 13 weeks tomorrow.

Was it planned?
Since the beginning of the year I had been more open to the idea than usual. However, MCAT preparation proved to be very stressful so I deferred any thoughts on the matter until after the test. Then my mother-in-law came to town for 2 months which further delayed things. She left on July 15th, the day after my 33rd birthday. I spent much of that day feeling that yes, I was finally ready. I knew that the timing was tight because of everything else going on. The funny thing is that while I was at the San Diego zoo I was so touched by the way the animals took care of their young and I was overwhelmed by a feeling that having children is one of the main reasons we're here on this Earth. So after that I really felt like OK I'm ready. Little did I know that by then my little bean was already there.

How does your husband feel?
He's ecstatic beyond words! It's quite endearing. In fact if I had known he wanted a baby this badly maybe I wouldn't have waited 6 years!

Will you still go to medical school?
Yes, the plan has not changed. In fact, I am happy to report that I have 3 interview offers so far, including one at my top choice school! My first interview will be this Wednesday. The timing worked out as well as it could have considering that I waited until July to start trying. With the baby being born in April I will have 4 months of staying home with him/her before school starts. I am very excited about everything that is going on right now. I finally feel like my life is no longer on pause and that it is going in the right direction.

Who will take care of your baby while you're in school?
Though for a while I was afraid she wouldn't agree and would go back to DR, my mom is on board with taking care of her first grandchild. We just told Dad this weekend (we had to wait because we were afraid he'd tell everyone too soon) and he's even more excited. My mom lives in Manhattan which works because I will likely be going to school in the City. In fact, I may even be walking distance from her depending where I end up getting in.

Will you find out the sex?
Oh yeah, baby. We love technology!! Some folks say that there are few good surprises in life, but trust me, that second faint line on that pregnancy test was enough of a surprise to last us a few years.

How about the oboe?
I've been on a little hiatus due to a scare about 10 days ago (ended up in the ER but we're all ok). However, I just got the ok from the doctor today to resume playing as long as I feel ok while doing it. I'll take it slowly and probably not go for more than an hour at a time (which isn't really an issue lately since I'm so busy). I'm still trying to work out my schedule at work so that I can get out early on Tuesdays for those orchestra rehearsals. I should be able to play 3 of the 4 concerts this school year.

How have you been feeling?
Mostly ok. I have been VERY VERY drowsy most of the time but that is starting to get better now. I have also been mildly nauseous but do not actually throw up. I've gone from being someone who enjoys most foods to the world's pickiest eater. One day I like something, the next day it makes me want to hurl. The one thing that I can no longer stand to even smell is coffee! Can you believe it? I have tried it 3 times since I found out (including my favorite Starbucks recipe) and each time it has tasted vile. I'm looking forward to entering the second trimester in a week. Apparently I will get my energy back for three months. YAY!

Well, I guess that's it for now. Now that I am not sleepy all day I will once again try to be better about updating.

Rehearsal!?!?

Guess what??

I might be attending my very first orchestra rehearsal tonight!!!!!!!!!! The first oboist from the Downtown Symphony (the one at BMCC) emailed me to tell me that they're in need of an oboist again. I was hesitant to join them last year because the rehearsal I attended was a bit disorganized. But by now I am very desperate to play with others and I think I can deal with funky strings for a while. Besides, I heard that they get fill-in strings for the concerts anyway.

The only downside is that I am supposed to stay at work late on Tuesdays. Now I have to find a way to sneak out at 4:45 even though we are never done with patients until around 5:30. I then have to take the Metro North train to Grand Central, the 7 cross town, then the 2 or 3 to Chambers. It will be quite a journey. But well worth it if I get to play with others finally!!

I am excited but nervous and still don't believe it's true yet.

Oh, would anyone mind if I start posting about other stuff in my life here? Sometimes I want to post, but not necessarily about music but I feel obligated to make the posts here music related. It would be cool if I could go on about med school stuff, family, and music all in the same place. Maybe that's what the labels are for? I need to figure out how to work with blogger more.

One more thing: I received my first medical school interview invite today. SUNY Downstate on the 17th!! Woohoo!!

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to wish you all a nice long weekend and give you a quick update.

My medical school application process is moving along pretty well. Eight applications have been submitted so far. I have 6 more secondary applications to finish, but I only care about 3 of them. My recommendation package should be going out from my school in the next week. Hopefully I will start getting interview invites some time in September.

I had my first lesson since returning from CA this past Monday. I was deathly scared because once again I felt ill-prepared. Finding time and energy to practice every day has become exponentially harder than when I started playing. It makes no sense really because at least I don't sound like a duck anymore. Thankfully the lesson went better than expected. My reed wasn't completely finished but it was getting there. The Mozart had some issues but the sound of it was a lot better. My issues are mostly with articulation. Because the lesson went well this week also went much better in terms of practicing. I've practiced 3 days in a row now after months of every other day. YAY! Part of it was motivation from the good lesson but also she gave me a lot of assignment for my next lesson which is this coming Sunday already. I have to work on scales (E and F major), an articulation exercise, the first two Sellner studies, and the Mozart (including several more bars). It feels nice to be playing again. I feel like I had forgotten how magical it is . . .

California!

Hey everyone. Having to write scores of essays for my medical school applications has left me unable to update the blog but I just had to write something about this week. After a crazy first half of the year my husband and I rewarded ourselves by taking an impromptu trip to California. Neither of us had been to the West coast but we were both curious to see if we'd like it enough to consider relocating there in the next 5-10 years.

We arrived last Saturday in San Diego, spent two days there, drove up for a day in LA, spent another day in San Luis Obispo, and are now spending the rest of our time with a friend in San Jose. Oh, and yesterday we spent the day in San Francisco. So we've gotten a nice little survey of all the major cities we were curious about. We didn't quite know where to go in LA so for now we are leaving it off our list, but we were very positively impressed by every place we have visited. I could certainly imagine a life here on this side of the country. That all being said, it will probably take the next 5 years for me to convince myself to leave the New York City area. It's incredibly emotional for me to even consider being far away from it, but there's a feeling growing inside me of wanting to start fresh somewhere new. We'll see what happens as time goes by. But at least now we have options.

On Wednesday I met Patty! Hi Patty!! It was wonderful to meet in person after 2 years of blogging and chatting. She correctly guessed that I was nervous leading up to our meeting. It's always scary to play for someone new and I was especially worried because I am at my worst shape ever; my practicing has been sporadic at best the past few months. However, Patty put me at ease and I was able to play for her and even with her (we played some duets). She sounds beautiful, of course, so the duets were a special treat. Thanks so much for the amazing time, Patty! If we move to San Jose I will be begging to become one of your official students.

We will be leaving on the red-eye tomorrow night. At this point we're pretty exhausted but also curiously refreshed. It's been nice to step out of our life for a bit and imagine a new life where the focus is us. Back home, we are being pulled in so many directions. I now feel recharged and ready to return and hit the ground running.

Early Birthday Gift

I had a lesson on Saturday morning. This lesson was dubbed the "Hilda" lesson because my teacher offered it for free in celebration of my MCAT score (I scored in the top 10% of test takers). She also presented me with a gift of Venezuelan chocolate and a brand new reed. These were early birthday presents!

MCAT costs (including Kaplan class I never attended): $1900
Gas: $35
Triborough bridge tolls: $7
New reed: Priceless

I got to call all the shots at the "Hilda" lesson which meant that we did NOT work on reeds. Hahah. I ended up talking for the first few minutes, playing a few scales, and then playing some of the Mozart I had worked on.

The Mozart is going ok. While there she secretely moved up my metronome and I ended up playing at 108, even though at home I couldn't play over 92. However, she wants me to slow it back down because I am not getting the articulation right in all spots. For my next lesson (this Friday) I have to play the entire first page (I'll get the bar numbers later) with the correct articulations.

I'm still struggling with my motivation to practice daily (and to post here too). I am hoping everything will go back to normal once I'm done with the med school application process. MY AMCAS application (the primary, central application) was submitted this Monday. Once that gets verified it will get sent out to the 14 schools I am applying to. Then each school will require submission of a secondary application. Some of these are short, others require more essays. All require more money, approximately $100 each. Once I am done with those then it's just a waiting game to see if I will get called in for interviews.

In the meantime I hope to have a lot more time for my oboe. I miss it. *sniff*

False alarm

So I ended up not having a lesson after all yesterday. Maybe it was for the best because my nerves are shot in anticipation of my MCAT score tomorrow (they will be posted online at 5PM EST).

Yesterday's plan was to meet my teacher at the Rose Rehearsal Studio in Lincoln Center. She had a rehearsal there and we were supposed to use that space for my lesson once the rehearsal was over. I asked if I could show up early to watch the rehearsal and she said it would be fine. However, when I get there it turned out that they were moved to a very small room with no extra chairs so I was asked to sit outside. That was mostly ok (I'm used to being kicked out I guess) because I sat out there chatting with a nice man, who later turned out to be a Grammy award winning sound engineer. That was my first hint that maybe I was in the wrong place. My I-don't-belong-here senses were tingling. Then a bunch of jazz stars walked out of the room during a short break: Wayne Shorter, John Patitucci, and Danilo Perez. Add to that my teacher's entire group was there too. I was pretty starstruck and starting to get uncomfortable. Add to this that a very wonderful professional string quartet began to rehearse next door. By then I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to feel comfortable enough to play anywhere NEAR there. The last straw was when a well-dressed woman warned us that a board meeting was starting in 20 minutes in the big room (the one the rehearsal was supposed to be in). I was then sure that I could not let the benefactors of Lincoln Center hear my humble oboe playing. Also, the rehearsal showed no signs of being anywhere near over and they all sounded like they were having a great time so I didn't want to ruin if for my teacher. I texted her that I was leaving and started my long trek home - walk to the subway, 2 subway trains to Grand Central Station, MetroNorth train to my town, and station pick-up by nice hubby to drive me home (less than a mile, but I was worn out).

I was quite sad the whole way home because I had been excited about my lesson. But it was fun to be that close to musical geniuses. My, what blessed and glamorous lives! If you can't join them, then at least you can learn from them :-)