Dominican Oboist

Need new goals

2009-06-11T13:09:00.003-04:00

Despite my lazy tendencies, I am still type-A at heart, and so I'm going crazy living with no goals right now. All of my adult life the idea of going back to school to became a physician was at least in the back of my mind, if not at the center of it. So now that I've taken this detour I admit that I feel very lost. I need some new goals to work on.

One of the things DH and I have been discussing is whether or not to relocate. I was born and raised in New York City and the thought of being far away from it fills me with dread and fear. But fear of what, I can't quite say. It just feels "wrong" to even think of living elsewhere. Well actually over the past few days I think I'm beginning to understand these feelings more. The City represents opportunity to me. Nevermind that I rarely ever take advantage of any of the cultural or intellecual activities offered there. But I like knowing that they're there. It represents that ideal me that I could/should be. But what use is it struggling financially (and in bad weather) to be near something you don't ever see? The few other cities I've visited usually fall short in my eyes, but even the smallest of these have a fair amount of stuff for the kids to do. And since the things I am leaning towards now are family-oriented anyway, then perhaps I can be ok with the idea of moving.

Why do I even want to move? Well now that our focus is more financial I guess I feel the need to "win" at that game. Our townhouse is ok, but not great. I wish the layout were better, I wish we had a deck, and I wish the town was nicer. My friends who have moved have been able to get so much more house in other places. Having this place was certainly a factor in my NOT being able to go to school. If we could move somewhere else where we'd be just as comfortable, if not more so, with less money than that opens up the option for me to return to school someday.

Yes, I said it. School. There is no way that I will not continue to scheme going back for something. MD is still an option but as the years and kids come and go (no, I am not pregnant again . . . yet) I know that it will become less likely. I am considering other health care careers now, because I still feel pretty strongly that that's where I should be. I certainly wouldn't want to retire from this stuff. I'd prefer to be wheeled away from my patients instead.

But anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. School can NOT be one of my new goals. I just walked away from it and I NEED to devote my energies to other things. More pressing things. Things I can do something about now or in the short-term future.

For sure one of my goals is to slowly work ourselves out of the financial mess we're in. It will probably take another two months for us to pay off a lot of little things we owed here and there (including us dipping into overdraft). After that we will start focusing on those pesky credit cards. Let's just hope our old car doesn't clunk out of us before we're ready for a new car payment. Go, go Saturn!

We still need to really think about where we want to live and what's important to us. I guess that's why I keep bringing it up here in my goal post. If being able to subscribe to a concert series at the Philharmonic were critical to me, then maybe we'd have to plan to stay around here or around some other major city. But with major cities come high prices. I just spent a week with my friend who lives in a mansion in NC. At first I was a bit put off by the lack of activity near their home, but after witnessing how happy her 4 children are, playing outside and riding their bikes with no fear of crime, etc., it made me wonder. We're such homebodies now that 99% of the time we would rather stay home than do just about anything else. So if that's the case what does it matter if we're living in a suburb of NYC or Kalamazoo? I kept going on and on in my head about wanting my kids to have a feeling of belonging to something, and that's something that I feel that those outside the cities sometimes lack. To me all the "communities" we visited felt so bland and generic. But then again I have a biased and probably wrong opinion based on my own very limited experience. I guess I am just so scared about making wrong decisions in terms of raising her. I have a track record for making bad decisions, you know. I do feel that in the end none of that is what matters in terms of raising your kids. It's what you do inside the house. Or at least I want to believe that. But a part of me feels very strongly that the outside influences are vast. Many of my friends who grew up with my in the inner-city have gone very far away from that with their own children. But then I fear that I'd not be in touch with my children's experience at all because it would be so radically different. And I also fear my kids turning out like some of the people I met in college who were deathly afraid of anything different from them. UGH.

Ok, wait, I am digressing. Goals. Let's stick to goals. It's not like I can even start to think about a relocation until we're better off financially, which may take 3-4 years. And I'd prefer to have a second baby while we're still near our relatives in NY. Not that they've been anywhere near as helpful as I would have liked (a whole other blog post), but they're all we have for now.

Definitely I need to redefine some music goals. Very short term I just need to start practicing again. Once I can get back into the habit I can figure out how to get back to my lessons and what to play.

Another goal that is slowly coalescing in the recesses of my being, is that of becoming more healthy. And no, I don't just mean working out, though I definitely wish I were more active, but have some inertia issues to deal with. It would be great to do a triathlon with my husband, but that may never happen. I am really only starting to become informed about toxins in our environment, especially our food, and how that affects development. So I suspect I will definitely be boarding the organic bandwagon once I can get all my sh*t together. We are so far removed from that kind of lifestyle with all of our Dominican fried stuff that I get overwhelmed thinking of all the changes at once. But I do want to devote a significant amount of energy and probably money to this end. Just not sure how to start attacking the beast. I think that for now we are going to research getting a reverse osmosis under the sink filter.

I have a feeling this whole organic/more natural thing could turn into something bigger for me. As I may have mentioned I went to a talk at a wholistic health center and that left me wondering if perhaps my future health care career could somehow integrate that. This is yet another way motherhood has changed me, for the better. Before I couldn't even consider healthy options because I was so stuck in my ways of selt-medicating with food. But now I've become a Mama Bear and I want to make the world a safer place for the cubs.

So what does that all mean for me? Too soon to tell. We'll just have to wait and see.

Sullied

2009-05-11T08:51:00.003-04:00

I keep wanting to steer this back to my optimistic posts about learning the oboe, but instead I feel the need to vent about completely unrelated negative feelings instead.

I thought I was done grieving over medical school, but apparently I'm not. I may no longer be in the deepest part of the ditch, but I'm still muddied. And I think that in order to clean myself off I need to deal with all these feelings instead of pushing them aside.

The other day I was going to make a post entitled "I'm a loser". That's exactly how I felt that morning, and that entire week. Driving up to work evokes feelings of disgust in me because every morning I remember my triumphant "last drive" up here. Back then the possibilities were endless. Now I'm back like a dog with its tail between its legs. What is there to look forward to in this place? Though I did what seemed to be the best thing for my family for now, some days I feel ashamed that I sold my soul for 80k.

God has blessed me with a lot of gifts. Or maybe it's just one gift that manifests itself in many ways. Let's call it "learning agility". This has allowed me to pick things up very quickly, particularly academics, but it works well with art and even physical activities too (or at least it used to). All my life I've felt compelled to learn new things and master them, but in the end I am not great at anything. I guess the gift is a double-edged sword. I think I've never learned to really work through things to get to the next level. I like things in the beginning when they're easy and once I have to put in more effort, things lose their lustre. There are many reasons why I wanted to become a physician. But I suspect one of them was that I saw in it my sole chance to finally become great at something. It was supposed to be something beautiful and noble, that would combine goals in several areas of my life. Giving that up has left a hole in me that I am not sure I'll ever be able to fill.

I'll try for sure. I'll try to focus on all those other unfinished things in my life. And I will focus on become the best Mom ever. But I know I will fail at that, because as a human we all do. No one can be perfect. But I already feel the unrest building inside. The urge to hate myself again. But this is not the model I want to set up for my beautiful daughter. I want her to be strong and self-confident. I want me to be strong and self-confident.

This weekend I felt good, and got a glimpse of a different life (sans medicine) that could perhaps still be fulfilling. I'll still be scheming my way back in the back of my head, but I intend to focus on all that I have, instead of what I have lost.

I'm going to build the life that I want. But I know that before I do that I still have to face a few more demons.

Ok, now I can get some work done.

Weekends

2009-05-04T00:42:00.003-04:00

It's about 12:45 am and I just finished putting away the clothes that I laundered earlier. So I am officially done with all the errands for the weekend and can relax for a bit. Oh wait, it's already Monday morning. WTF!

There are many things about being a working mom that suck. One of them being that you have almost no time for yourself. I'd heard people complain about it before but never appreciated it until just now. In terms of "me" time this weekend, all I had was when I sat down to watch a 1 hour show on my DVR. And since I skipped the commercials, it wasn't even a full hour to myself. Holy moly! So now I am facing an entire new week of work and I didn't have a chance to unwind. God help me.

Saturday was a wash. I took Alanis to her little gym class then back home from nap. Then I got paid for a 30 minute survey on appliances. I was supposed to be at quintet rehearsal all that time, but I got confused with the date, and they ended up finding a flute player to sub for me. Afterwards, we went to DH's cousins' wedding. By the time we got back home it was baby's bedtime. Oh I did get to play WoW for a bit on Saturday, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Today we tried to cram in all the errands that should have happened over the two days. Did I mention that we got invited to said wedding at the last minute (after I had jam packed the weekend)? First to Home Depot to peek at window treatments. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I just need to replace the ugly ass cheap fabric vertical blinds with unsafe cords that we have. Why are there so many choices in blinds nowadays? And why did I fall in love with the expensive ones like always? So then back home for nap #1. Made my special breakfast smoothie (a knockoff of the discontinued Mango Passion fruit smoothies once offered at Dunkin Donuts). Baby woke and ate lunch then we went to Costco. BIG CROWD. Next, the regular supermarket, More people (all probably on the same frantic race that I was). Back home for more laundry. Then dishes and mop the kitchen floor. Put baby to sleep. More laundry. Plan trip to NC. Fold laundry. Relax on bed. Ahhh.

Hmm, not sure why I am breaking my blog hiatus with this babble. But I just needed to get rid of some of this manic energy.

Still on leave

2009-03-07T23:29:00.002-05:00

Still on leave from everything . . .

The clock is ticking in terms of my seat at school. At this point it seems unlikely that I will reclaim it. There are many others more worthy vying for it. I don't think this means I will never practice medicine, though it probably does mean that I will not practice it as an MD. I'm almost done grieving that.

There is a possibility of my considering fields that my ego didn't allow me to before. This is a long term plan (5 years). For now I am trying to find a way to be home as much as possible. This may mean returning to my old corporate job for a while. *sigh*

Even the musical side of me has been sluggish to return. Thankfully, the woodwind quintet is going strong, even with the weakest link (me). We are meeting again tomorrow, three weeks since our last rehearsal. How many times did I practice in between? Twice. This is pitiful. At least the baby no longer cries when I play the oboe. I need to just push myself to do it every day, even if just for 10-15 minutes. I keep saying that, but the gears are still not back in place. Soon. Soon.

2008 Recap

2009-01-06T09:50:00.002-05:00

Stolen from Terminal Degree's blog . . .

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

* Delivered a baby
* Was a medical student
* Did NOT work for more than half the year

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't even remember my resolutions for last year. I suppose one of them was probably get back to my pre-baby weight. And seeing that I am now 10 pounds under it (nursing in a wonderful thing), I did keep that one. The other ones probably had something to do with doing well in school and spending less, both of which I failed tremendously at. Well, it wasn't that I did that poorly in school, it's just that I quit. And let's not even go into the money situation. If there is one thing that need reform this year it's that. I do want to get healthier in 2009 by eating better and starting exercise again. I also want to practice oboe daily again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yours truly. Several other babies were born this year too. Can you say playdates . . .

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No one I was really close to, thank God. Mom's last living uncle passed away though. As did the father of our old church choir's lead singer. Oh, and an ex-member of the choir also lost an aunt and cousin.

5. What countries did you visit?

We did not travel anywhere last year because I was in my third trimester or with newborn. I definitely want to go somewhere in 2009. I don't think I'll be brave enough to ride in a plane with the baby yet though. My hope is to drive to NC to visit my 5 friends who relocated there. Maybe seeing all 5 is unrealistic, so let's say I will visit the 2 I am actually close to.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Money. Sleep. Energy.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 12-13th. When I think of having the baby I don't only think of the actual birth. I tend to relive the entire experience starting with the mild contractions the day before.

August 22. White Coat Ceremony. Will either be my indoctrination to a new profession or forever a reminder of what could have been.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Giving birth to my daughter (no one was more scared or clueless).
Nursing her in spite of MANY difficulties (").

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to handle medical school under the circumstances even though I don't think anyone could have.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Some PPD

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our Sony HD TV.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

DH. I always knew he'd be a great father and he didn't let me down. Also my brother deserves honorable mention for growing up a hell of a lot.

13. Whose behavior made you depressed?

Someone I was counting on acted apathetic and aloof, more interested in their own needs than in mine when this was an opportunity for them to finally be there for me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Baby stuff and food for us.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Watching my baby grow. Briefly, training to become a doctor.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Pocketful of Sunshine

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) happier in many ways, but sadder in some
b) thinner - YAY
c) way, way poorer - BOO

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleep and study. However that would have been impossible as their occurrences were inversely proportional. I also wish I had played more oboe and gone outside more when the weather was nice.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Deeply in love with my little baby. It's indescribable.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

Baby Story and Heroes

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word. But I did meet some annoying people.

23. What was the best book you read?

I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't read any books last year other than random baby stuff and school stuff. For a while all my brain could handle were magazines.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Reicha Wind Quintets

25. What did you want and got?

We got so much baby stuff thanks to generous friends and relatives.

26. What did you want and not get?

A minivan

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Didn't go out to the movies but saw a few flicks at home. I kinda liked Ironman.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Don't recall what I did on my 34th birthday. I think that by then the panic about school was kicking in.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having gotten that support I wanted from the person mentioned above.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Crappy. I couldn't have cared less . . .

31. What kept you sane?

DH and WoW

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hugh Jackman

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election

34. Who did you miss?

Wish my paternal grandmother would have been around to see the baby.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Several of my classmates were really cool. But more importantly I managed to rekindle a couple of old friendships.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

You can't be perfect. Sometimes just-good-enough is best.

4th year anniversary!!

2008-12-14T14:20:00.002-05:00

Holy moly! How did this happen so quickly??

December 9th was the 4th anniversary of my starting to play the oboe. *applause* Because I ended up taking about a 6 month hiatus after the baby, I technically haven't been playing for 4 years. But 12/9 is an important day for me regardless. It matters less exactly how long I've been playing for and more that I found that enraptured me.

Though I am disappointed in what I have lost over the 6 months that I didn't play, I should still celebrate how far I've come since that rainy December evening when I brought home that old Selmer oboe and attempted to blow into it. I have definitely gotten down all of the basics of the instrument and was starting to make way into more intermediate/advanced territory. I am studying with an AMAZING teacher, made reeds, am exploring the repertoire, and have even managed to play with others, including in an orchestra and now in a woodwind quintet. I can take those off my music bucket list (even though it's only the beginning of my playing experiences).

I like to make my musical resolutions for the new year on my oboe anniversary. So here are some of the things I wish to work on for 2009:

* First and foremost, I have to get back to a regular practicing schedule. I suspect it will probably take another month or two to happen but the sooner the better. I need to not be super ambitious and just aim for 15 minutes a day to start with.
* Revisit scales. My fingers are completely clumsy these days. I want to work on ALL the scales again (not only the easier ones).
* Revisit long tones. For sound. Enough said.
* Work on getting the pieces I was studying back under my belt: the Marcello concerto, the first part of the Mozart, and Schumann Romance No. 1
* Continue playing with the woodwind quintet on a regular basis
* Possibly audition for the wind ensemble my flutist friend plays in. This is a big maybe because it's out in Brooklyn.
* Work on sight reading! If the quintet stays active I will get to do this through them.
* Pray that the quintet stays active. :-)
* Start to think more about phrasing and expression. I thought I was getting good because I could finally play things. But I was only scratching the surface. Once you are technically sound enough to tackle major works, then is when the real work begins. I do still have a lot to work on in terms of dynamic control, but I think do need to start thinking about expression. During the last quintet meeting I was able to read through the Reicha more easily, but after listening to a recording of the piece (Op. 88 No. 4, by the way) I realized that I was way off in terms of feeling. I wasn't even on the bandwagon. I am aware that that is advanced territory but I see no harm in starting to work on it now.

Hmm, ok I guess that's a lot of stuff. But basically I just need to practice again to get myself at least back to how I sounded at my best, so that then I can continue to improve from there.

Go go oboe studies!! May this coming year be better than the last!

Played so much my face hurt

2008-11-16T23:05:00.005-05:00

Today I checked something off my musical bucket list. I played in a quintet! Notice I didn't refer to it as a woodwind quintet. We have a cellist playing the bassoon part, but the rest of the instrumentation is winds. I am so psyched and still can't believe it. When I started playing the oboe playing in an orchestra seemed like the holy grail. I got a little taste of it last year and while it was definitely wonderful there were a few things that made it slightly less so than expected. Firstly, when you play at my level it is impossible to get into a balanced group. What I mean is either the other orchestra players are too amazing for you to even breathe their same air, or you end up in a group where the many players (bless them) are not good. In my limited experience this affects the string players the most. But as much as one would like to play symphonies, it becomes a bit difficult to rehearse when the backbone of the orchestra is weak. After my short-lived experience with the woodwind quintet, I realized that such an intimate group would be even more fun to play with in certain ways. It's certainly easier to find a balanced group when you only need 3 or 4 others. You end up playing a lot more often, not counting out 96 bars of rest. And because you play more in general, you also get more solos, which are opportunities to grow (and shine). The downside here is the limited repertoire. That's why a quintet sort of became the new holy grail because there is more music available for it.

I had been contacted about the quintet many months ago, through someone from the ACMP. It took him quite a while to contact different people and get the right instruments together. Perhaps about a month ago he emailed me to say that the 5 had been chosen and that a rehearsal was in the works. I very slowly dragged myself out of my funk and managed to blow into my oboe a few times. After a visit to my teacher and a new reed I blew a few more times. But it wasn't until he emailed me to say the rehearsal was 2 weeks away that the fire really lit my butt. I am not quite practicing daily yet, but over the past couple of weeks I went up to about every other day. Ok, maybe every third day. Still dismal, but a HUGE improvement from what I was feeling even still a month ago. Or more like not feeling. But thank God, at least this aspect of me seems to be returning. Certainly the elation I felt after today's rehearsal is a good sign.

I was super nervous driving over there. I ended up not practicing yesterday nor this morning, opting instead to play with the baby. As I left I realized this was only the second time I would be more than 10 miles away from her for a few hours. No wonder I felt sadness mixed in. I arrived just in time and the others were already there talking happily. It seemed as though they had known each other for years but had in fact just met minutes earlier. They were very welcoming and I was somewhat shy and set up a disclaimer beforehand: "I had a baby 7 months ago and hadn't been practicing until recently, blah blah blah". It was a low pressure setting and they were all understanding. I was just praying the reed would speak at all. I didn't have high expectations for my actual playing because the practice sessions at home were not that great. Also, I was struggling immensely with endurance. Lo and behold though, I ended up playing for 2.5 hours today!! I still don't quite understand how I pulled it off given that I could only practice for about 30 minutes on that reed without feeling like my face would crack. Maybe it's the presence of other people? Maybe it was a muse? Whatever it was, I am amazed I lasted the entire rehearsal. There was one time where my embouchure died (with a funny fart sound too!) and I stopped playing for a few minutes. I also did take a 5 minute break too. But other than that I was all in. As much as I could be.

Amazingly, they were actually impressed. The cellist referred to something I played as "beautiful". And afterwards the clarinetist said he was very impressed and that I played very well. I had been emailing him about my troubles so that he could expect the worst. And that he did. So I guess he (and I especially) were pleasantly surprised when my playing was more or less at the level of the other players.

Things that were better than I expected: sound, intonation, endurance
Things that were as bad as I expected: sight-reading, dynamics, articulation
Things that were worst than expected: NONE!!

So all in all, it went better than I had hoped. We played several pieces that different players brought in. I am assuming that will be the format every time and that we will keep on playing the ones we liked. My favorite was Reicha's Quintet Op. 88. We played stuff slower to help us read through it, though sometimes playing faster actually made it easier because we felt it better.

In terms of my sight-reading, I don't know how else to get better at it other than by doing it more. Are there any techniques though that can help?? My rhythm is what is the worst. I can get through phrases with chromatic notes or big intervals as long as the rhythm is simple. If there is any weird syncopation or unfamiliar rhythmic patterns I tend to mess up the notes. Worse yet, I get flustered and forget to keep counting and then completely lose my place.

My phrasing I am not as concerned about right now because I know that will come with continued studying. It's certainly better than it had been. I never worried about it when I played bass. And as a merengue saxophonist the concept of phrasing is completely different than in classical music. Phrasing back then referred almost exclusively to a composite of tonguing and "swing". In classical music it's a completely different beast. I feel that it is what will take me to the "advanced" level, but with a lot of technical things to still focus on I am not going to drive myself crazy about it. I will do what I can now, but I don't expect to reach wonderful levels of expression just yet.

Ok I am starting to ramble. Let me ramble some more. One interesting thing we talked about yesterday was whether it is good for colleges to have "core" curriculums that include the study of great classics and Western art and music, etc. Having gone through Columbia's core curriculum I am certainly on the "pro" side of this. Though I wish I had taken it more seriously back then I do believe some of it stuck. Certainly it did in the area of music. How else could a Dominican oboist have been created in the first place? I had very little exposure to this music growing up but that mandatory course pierced my heart and changed my life forever. Amateur or not, I am a musician today because of that course.

Lastly, on the topic of wind quintets there is a great article on Imani Winds in the New York Times.

YAY! Can't wait for my next lesson. :-D

Back to life, back to reality

2008-11-01T10:54:00.002-04:00

Now that the clouds are clearing, I was excited to find that my desire to practice is slowly returning. I have actually practiced twice this week!!!!

The first session was bad, as expected. It wasn't so much because of the intonation, sound, or agility, which I expected to be less than stellar. What really killed me was endurance. I could barely keep my embouchure in place and after just a few notes I felt like my face was cracking. For my second session I went back to an older, softer reed and that helped with endurance. I was able to actually play some scales and even ventured through several passages from the Schumann (Romance No. 1).

I guess I should admit that my desire to practice didn't come entirely from within. I got an email about a quintet rehearsal in about two weeks. *gulp* I am really, really excited about it and hope we can really keep it together. Too bad I am not in great shape though. But let's see how far I can get between now and then.

Kindermusik & Wind Ensemble

2008-10-22T11:16:00.002-04:00

Several weeks ago, I had a fortuitous encounter with someone I went to grammar school with. Actually, this tends to happen a lot whenever I am back in the 'hood. I'm sure people would be surprised by how much NYC neighborhoods can actually feel like small towns in that way. You tend to function within a 1 mile (or smaller) radius and you become familiar with the same people and establishments. Because you tend to walk everywhere the chances of you bumping into someone you know on any given errand run are actually quite high . . . especially if you went to the same school of about 700 students for 8 years.

So anyway, this girl is younger than me (her brother and I are the same age and went both to junior high and college together). Turns out she has a 15 month old and is now a Kindermusik teacher. I had been toying with the idea of putting the baby in some kind of class. Gymboree was up in the running, but was a bit pricey and out of the way. I felt like it was more for me than for her at this point, so I was very happy that this Kindermusik stuff kind of found me. So far, I've been quite happy about it, especially the CD that was included in the learning materials packet. I was very glad to hear REAL instruments in the soundtrack, not MIDI. In fact, wind instruments are very well represented, including *gasp* bassons, oboes, and even an English horn cameo! Sign me up!! In addition, there is a decent rhythmic variety to the music too. One of the tracks is a polka, while another has a jazzy sway. The songs are fun to sing, though a bit high.

Oh yes, the baby does have fun too. It's so cute to watch her interact with the other babies. I thought she'd ignore them, but they fascinate her and she tries to touch them when they're close. The instruments inevitably end up in their mouths. But every once in a while she gives them a good shake or tap:

Speaking of wind instruments, I got another email from the person who is trying to organize a local wind ensemble. Apparently we've reached quorum and the first rehearsal will be sometime in November. *gulp*

I have an oboe anniversary coming up and I was going to say that my goal was to get back into shape by then, but then I realized that I was only leaving myself a little over a month. So my new goal will be to be practicing every day again by 12/9. Not quite up to an hour plus, but at least 15 minutes. If this wind ensemble does really take off, I think that would really help me overcome inertia.

Changes

2008-10-12T19:23:00.003-04:00

I'll skip my usual excuses and promises to update more frequently and go right into updates.

First let's start with the elephant in the room - school. As of last Monday I am no longer a student. *gasp* Actually, it's not quite that drastic. Though I did technically withdraw it's more of a delayed deferral. They are holding a spot for me to restart first year with next year's class. I should have seen this one coming. Back in August, I knew deep down inside that I wasn't ready. I kept waiting for the idea of leaving my baby to feel ok, but that never happened. As the weeks wore on it didn't get any easier and I was slipping into very dark territory. And then there was the commute. I commuted 45 miles each way for over 5 years and my husband has been doing the current commute (22 miles each way) for 6. So we had both been road warriors before; I didn't expect this to be a source of stress. Poor, naive, still childless little me. When you add an infant into that mix (or any mix for that matter) things tend towards chaos. All of a sudden the commute became one of the circles of hell. It started out ok. She tended to sleep at first. Then she began to get cranky every once in a while. Then it started happening every single time and I resorted to giving her bottles to calm her down. This complicated our nusing relationship, which lead to even worse feelings. I was losing control. I felt like a horrible mother to put my baby through that, especially to expose her to the dangers of the roads for 2 hours a day. Then there was the dealing with my parents day in and day out again. Some things have changed for the better, but in many ways I am still a parentified child. Then there were the classes themselves. Because I missed my baby so much I would either spend lecture time pining for her or I would cut class to try to catch it online. The latter could have worked. But for many reasons it didn't. It took so much energy (mental, physical, emotional) to just get through each day, that I don't think I saw the clouds gathering or felt the rain falling. It wasn't until the weekend after our first set of exams, where there was a lull in activity, that it finally dawned on me that I couldn't continue doing this, at least not in this way. I didn't study at all that weekend and went right to the dean on Monday and by the end of the day I was no longer a member of the class of 2012. They were very very supportive, for which I was thankful. In fact, one of the deans guessed why I was there before I even got a word in and she said that I was making the right decision. I do feel very strongly that I did. When I walked out of that office I felt 1000 pounds lighter and suddenly there was lightness and gaeity in my heart. All of a sudden, the sun was out again. The next day I stayed home with her all day and it was as though those 8 weeks had never occured. I guess we were both yearning for that time together again and easily fell back into our daily routine. Only this time it was actually easier. She's feeding well, sleeping better, and more active and fun. Since school jump started me, I now have the energy I wanted to have while I was on maternity leave. I don't just sloth around the house unbathed and hungry. I was able to take care of myself and still get things done around the house all while taking care of her.

So will I reclaim my spot come next summer? Honestly, it's too soon to tell. Before I took leave I was changing my mind about my career choice a few times a minute. It was so exhausting. I am aware that all I have done is simply bought myself some time and that I do have a very difficult decision to make. Some days it seems like it is clearly what I want to do and that I simply have to make accommodations (e.g. moving on campus). Other days I wonder why I am so bent on pushing myself to do something that gives me such a visceral reaction? I have a wonderful, rich life. Why should I give any part of it up for some other shiny thing?

I think that it was simply to soon for me to go back to school. Some women may be ready to reclaim their lives in a matter of weeks after becoming mothers. But for me, it wasn't that simple. It is only now that I am beginning to feel any kind of desire to be the old me. And I suspect some pieces of the old me may be gone forever. Every part of my being has been preoccupied only with my baby ever since she was born. I honestly didn't care about absolutely anything else. Imagine trying to go through med school while feeling that way? I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did! Now that I am back home and more energized than back when I was at home previously, I am slowly getting back into things. I'm better able to juggle household management tasks with the baby now. I managed to cook twice last week. Now I want to move back into my music. Other things I would like to do too are working out (modestly) and spending time with friends. I even played a little bit of my favorite video game today. I feel that had I gotten back into any or some or all of those things BEFORE school started, that the transition would have gone smoother. Instead I went from all day baby to a tremendously stressful schedule of waking up super early, feeding her, commuting, walking to school, classes, walk back to nurse, more classes, walk back to eat and nurse, commute, put her to bed, stay up late to study, and sleep a few hours. Rinse and repeat. It was a complete shock. I need to be the whole me again. Whatever that means nowadays. Because only the whole me could possibly stand a chance to survive school. So hopefully in the next few months my baby and I can find me. And then I will be ready to make my decision. Ahh, I feel so much better now that I wrote all this. If only we could figure out how to bring in another $1000 a month in order to finance this lovely period of self-exploration. Not worrying about this just yet either, but I do need to figure it out by the end of the month.

So I won't be writing much again about my medical pursuits. They are on hold for now. And if I do decide to go back next year, I do not want to talk about school on this blog anyway. If I learned anything during those weeks it was about privacy. So if I did want to chronicle my student doctor journey I would likely start up a separate, anonymous blog somewhere.

I would like for this blog to be mostly about music again so I reverted it to its previous look. Well, without the catchy little intro since I can't find where I saved it. Nor the matching oboe picture.

My baby turns 6 months old tomorrow!! Wow!! I can't believe it, my little precious. She is the new sun in my life and I feel so blessed to be her Mommy.

This also means that I have been pretty inactive oboe-wise for at least half a year. *gulp* At this point I am literally afraid to play for what it may sound like. I did visit my teacher last week (or was it the week before last?) and I do have a new reed. So I have no excuse. I don't do well with deadlines these days so I won't tell myself that I must start practicing regularly by x day. But I do hope it happens sometime this month.

The blog may begin to sound a lot like the beginning where I was figuring things out from scratch. Well, it shouldn't be quite so bad because I do know that I can still make it sound haha. But I hope to recapture my rebirth here. It should prove both frustrating and fun!!

I'll leave you with the beautiful half-birthday girl (this was last month):

Musical commercials

2008-08-06T11:22:00.006-04:00

Something about this Subway commercial bothers me. I think I just hate the harmony or something. It's almost painful to listen to.

On the other hand, I think this JG Wentworth commercial is a riot. You true opera fans are probably like "get a life" but this one sure beats that stupid Optimum triple play commercial that is overplayed. I may have mentioned this before, but in case I didn't, I HATE REGGAETON! The only part I look forward to is when it almost turns into a merengue for 5 seconds when that red hydra guy comes out of the water.

Another one I like is the 50 cent Vitamin Water commercial. Every time they cut to the timpani player it makes me crack up. He looks all into it. I wonder if at least one person got intrigued by orchestral music from this?

And here's Alanis's favorite: K-9 Advantix.

One of my goals for the future is to finally get into opera. I guess for now I'll just sing the JG Wentworth song hahahaha.

2 more weeks . . .

2008-08-04T16:04:00.002-04:00

until I become a medical student. I am still in denial. The last few weeks have been so terrible that I've often wondered if I have some PPD. I've been having a terrible time imagining anything but doom with regards to medical school. Everything felt so dark but I think that the clouds are finally lifting away. I am sure that I will have a very difficult time leaving my daughter but now that I've spend two days back at my parents' apartment I am feeling a bit better. The first full day that I spend (last Friday) was AWFUL! I never thought I'd say this, but I am no longer used to being in the City. We didn't even go outside or anything (cause it was hellish hot) but even still I felt that the apartment was just too busy. Relatives and neighbors came in and out, my mom whined about her trip to DR for hours, my Dad went up and down 20x . . . at one point bringing home a stereo system that he bought from some shady folks on the street. It was just too much. I was so used to the quiet (but boring) days that Alanis and I spend by ourselves at home. It was a very harsh contrast and knowing that this will be my reality from now on was heartbraking. I worked so hard to get away from some of that stuff. Anyway, thankfully yesterday went much better. Maybe it was because it was the weather. We still had a lot of guests at Mom's but it was fun instead of draining. In the end I know it's the best thing for the baby to have these social interactions rather than being home alone with me all day. I know that I am the one with the problem. While she's having fun with my parents I will be the one crying in class because I miss her. Thankfully all our lectures are webcast, so I am planning to only attend the required small group sessions and any labs. Everything else I will watch online from my Mom's while nursing my precious baby.

Oh,it's World Breastfeeding Week, by the way. I am officially a lactivist and am becoming crunchier by the minute.

Yesterday I passed by my old church to see what was going on. I had been hearing all kinds of rumors regarding the state of the "choir" after we left. I know that for a while the sole remaining singer tried to keep it up and then gave up. Some ladies then tried to take over with mixed reviews. Then the singer went back supposedly. and that's what I wanted to confirm. Indeed when I got there he was singing a song that actually went with the readings and our long lost chameleon drummer was now back as the pianist. I got to see quite a few of the regular parishioners, which was very nice. Ironically they thought I was back when in reality it was my farewell. Now that I saw that singer is rebuilding the group, I can be at peace. It hurt so bad to let go of that group after 15 years but it seems to be in good hands. Now all we have to do is find ourselves a new church to call home. It would be really amazing to find a place where I could play my oboe at, but I am just not sure where such churches exist. It seems that the Catholic churches I've been to are either playing only organ music OR charismatic stuff with popular instruments. It would be cool to find one that played, say, the Mass of Creation, with full instrumentation. There are oboe parts in that score!!

Oboe is still not quite going, but the gears are slowly in motion. I might even have a lesson this month!!

Holy moly!

2008-07-23T16:50:00.002-04:00

I just saw this.

I really need to get my butt back in gear, pronto!!!

The end of my life as I know it . . . almost

2008-07-23T16:25:00.003-04:00

As the days tick on by and the beginning of medical school draws ever closer, I can't shake feelings of impending doom. To be honest, I was very close to giving up my seat a few weeks ago, but I managed to calm myself down a bit. I'm not sure if it was a mild case of PPD, but I realized that I couldn't think of the medical school experience in a positive light at all. Every time I thought of it I thought purely negative things. No wonder I didn't want to go anymore. So I decided to suspend my disbelief and try to be optimistic. Sure there will be bad days, but hopefully I won't regret it every single day. In fact, I am hoping that at the end of it all I will be happy I did it. I better damn be since I am partly giving up the most precious thing on earth - time with my daughter. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I will be a 10 minute walk away and also knowing that my school's curriculum lends itself easily to truancy. All lectures are webcast which will likely mean that I will see them at my mom's while nursing my baby, rather than live. As long as I can keep nursing here with few hitches, I think I will be ok. If I were back to working full-time I'd be with her even less. I think I need to start playing the lottery right about now.

Deep down, I actually am a little excited about the medical school thing. After playing wannabe doctor for most of my life I will finally start training to be one. It's just that everything has become a lower priority to my new role of Mommy.

Even my dear oboe, I must now admit. The other day a friend of mine made a snarky comment along the lines of "Oh, I thought you said you'd never give up the oboe for anything, no matter what." It wasn't the words that bothered me so much, but her tone. I didn't realize that finding a passion would rub a friend the wrong way. Though I have yet to get back to regular practicing, I know that I have not given up on it. I never will. It remains a passion for me. It's just that I need to get used to my new life before I can find its rightful place for it again. It will happen. Sooner rather than later, I hope. A couple of weeks ago I received an email about someone who is interested in forming a wind ensemble. So I really need to get myself back into shape so that I can participate. I'll definitely keep you posted.

The bad news is that when I did try playing the other day, the baby cried :( Guess she didn't like out of tune playing either.

Here she is working on sitting up:
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99.2

2008-06-16T14:08:00.003-04:00

Last night was a bit rough because for some reason she didn't want to fall asleep at her usual 10ish bedtime. We took her to bed and fed her early enough and she acted like she was going along with it. Just as I started to settle in she starts stretching. Now, I've learned that once she stretches she rarely goes back to sleep (somehow she can sleep through grunting, chuckling, and even crying though). Up she went and within 30 minutes she was asking for more food. Ok, so she didn't get full at her previous feed (this is starting to happen with her bedtime feed for some reason) and we decided to supplement. She proceeds to down the 4 ounces and again acts like she's going to sleep. Instead she decides to stay up . . . for another 2-3 hours. We're not sure how long because I think we both fell asleep. I know I did because I assumed my husband was staying up with her. But at some point he decided she was safe and not upset and he went to sleep too. So I when I woke up at 3am the baby was still up and eating her hands. I fed her and turned off all the lights (we usually leave one on dimly) and she finally slept. For 4 hours. So my total sleep last night was 2.5 + 4.

We could have slept another round after that but I decided to get her up early rather than continuing to sleep in, in hopes that this would reset her bedtime. She ate again and was acting very drowsy so I decided to try to put her down on her crib that way. Most likely she'd wake up (the effect I wanted) but if by chance she fell asleep without help that would have actually been a nice lesson. She stayed drowsy on the crib for 5-10 minutes then did her stretching routine. After that she was wide awake and played for about 30 minutes, rolling to her sides. When she started getting antsy I picked her up and that's when I noticed it. The back of her neck felt oddly warm. I touched her forehead and couldn't deny the eerie warmth. I tried not to panic and took her temperature. She registered a 99.2, her first official low-grade fever. I wanted to cry but instead I fed her and let her sleep on me while I willed her fever to go down. I figured she was mostly fine since she wasn't acting any differently. Three hours later I retook the temp and it was 98.6. Perfect!

Now I can go on with the rest of my day . . .

Maybe I'll play a little oboe for her :-)

From now on

2008-06-16T12:00:00.002-04:00

Ok. I feel soooooooooooo much better now that I am nice and updated. I really do want to keep this up to date in terms of my big three (baby, music, school). It will be interesting to have this journey chronicled.

As Alanis enters her third month of life I will update with stories and pictures.

In terms of school, orientation starts on August 18th. I will be attending my alma mater since it is walking distance to my parent's apartment. Both Mom and Dad have agreed to babysit for me while I'm at school. Dad is still the more enthusiastic one, but Mom is finally on board as well. Though it is the best possible care situation, I can't even think about leaving my baby at this point without wanting to wail. It's gotten better I suppose since during those first two weeks I was contemplating selling everything, not going to school, and being a SAHM. A part of me is still intrigued by that but I know it's not realistic for many reasons. Since I have to work at some point and have pretty much ruled out everything else the only thing that makes sense is for me to go through with this whole medicine thing. It's crazy how it's no longer priority number one in my life. And I admit that I worry about how well I will do given that fact. But I keep telling myself that other parents do it and that somehow I will figure out how to make it work. It's going to be difficult but in a way I will actually be able to be with the baby more so than if I were working full-time. Classes start at 9 but end at 3 or noon twice a week (and closer to 5 the other two days). They are taped and posted online so after a while I will probably skip them and study on my own. It's definitely easier to be truant at school than at work, so hopefully I won't die from missing my daughter.

On the music front things are honestly not going right now. But the desire for it is slowly coming back. I did play once since the baby was born and it was bad, but not as bad as I feared. I am hoping that in the next month I can start practicing again. I am aiming for just 15 minutes a day to start. Maybe Toyin can bring me a new reed when she comes to meet the baby *sends wishful thoughts across the internet void*.

Second Month

2008-06-16T11:20:00.003-04:00

Pictures

Ahh, month number two. We were now quite a bit wiser and a lot more at ease. Alanis started smiling at the beginning of the month and does it more and more now. It is such a wonderful feeling to see that cute, gumless, tongue-y smile directed at you. It really does bring light to my life.
Early smile:

More recent smile:

She is definitely way more alert now and stays awake for longer periods of time. Whereas before she wasn't really focusing her vision anywhere now she definitely looks and follows people and objects. She even tracks her daddy as he moves around. We no longer have to be right in her face to get her attention. She even likes to look at books. Here she is gaining a deeper perspective on life from her Blues Clues book:

Feedings are going much smother now albeit more often. She's eating every two hours now throughout the day. If she kept gaining an ounce a day she should be exactly 10lbs at her appointment on Wednesday. However I predict that she will be more than 10 since we've been estimating her weight periodically by weighing ourselves with her on our digital scale. The question is whether she will be over or under 10.5. She also seems to have gotten a lot longer. She outgrew newborn clothes and even some 0-3 month stuff due to length. She's also no longer wearing newborn diapers and is on size 1's.

She finally started cooing near the end of the month. She started doing it with Daddy first (of course!) but now she and I will have nice conversations too. It was funny at first when she still didn't have her voice. She would watch my lips intently and try to move hers but no sound would come out or only grunting. Then one day with her Dad she finally found her vowels and it was so cute that it made me tear up.

Her limbs are a lot stronger now. She loves to move her kick her legs and move them around slowly when she's in a good mood. If she's about to get fussy she will do a quick march in place instead. She also discovered that her hands are yummy and they are frequently in her mouth now.

Much to my chagrin, she likes watching TV!! I don't know when it started exactly but if she's downstairs in the living room on her exercise mat she will sometimes ignore her toys and instead stare at the boob tube. Oh no!!

She also *loves* her mobile. I swear she can stare at that thing all day. Sometimes she smiles at it and tries to reach out to it. We call this picture "Supergirl":

The one thing we need to work on is more tummy time so she can develop better head control. I neglected to put her on her stomach that first month and by the time I realized I should have been doing it she didn't care for the position. The first several attempts had to be aborted pretty quickly but recently she's been making nice progress. Apparently it's quite a workout because she grunts more than guys lifting weights at the gym:

The other thing that is a work-in-progress is sleeping. I am happy to report that maybe 3 weeks ago she started taking longer stretches of sleep at nighttime. These vary from 3.5 to 5.5 hours. We can now count on at least one 4 hour stretch a night. Woohoo!!

By the way, I'd like to take this time to whine about just how many books/theories there are about child sleep. Holy moly! And of course me being the anal person that I am, I bought and have read quite a few books and my mind is now swimming with all the information. I've read from Ferber ("cry it out") to Sears ("co-sleep") to several in between. My mind gravitates towards one method but my heart goes for another. When did sleeping become so complicated?? In my day we were put in bed and that was the end of it. Or maybe it just seemed easier from that vantage point. Some days it's as if all I do is worry about her naps and sleep in general. But then I figure that years down the road it really won't matter what the hell we do now as she will have moved on to bigger and better milestones and challenges. So the lazy part of me is tempted to not to much and just go with the flow. Well, I think I will do that anyway for at least another month to see where she "settles" at. The anal side of me is intrigued by the sleep trainers, though I think it's all a little too much honestly. One of the things that is difficult about being a parent is being sure whether you are doing the right thing. I am still feeling incompetent I guess or at the very least I tend to second guess myself a lot. If anyone is still reading this blog and has ideas, opinions, advice about the whole sleeping thing, please comment. I'd like to know what others out there did.

Finally, personality traits I am starting to notice:
* Feisty/Perseverance: The nurses noticed this at the hospital as we were working on BFing. Even when things weren't going well from my standpoint she continued giving it her all at almost every feeding. She also tries very hard with her tummy time even though she doesn't like it very much. You go girl!
* Jolly: When something amuses her she doesn't hold back and lets you know that she's pleased. I do hope she keeps that as she grows up. Sometimes life can take that away from you and you don't enjoy things to the fullest. It's nice to find happiness even in small things.
* Love of food. :-D I guess this one too can count for all babies but I swear this girl really must have her food now. Just like Mommy.

First Month

2008-06-16T10:39:00.003-04:00

Pictures

Looking back now those first four weeks were a blur. Here is what I remember:

* Feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Normally when you fall in love with someone it's something gradual. You meet them and there is probably an initial attraction. You then become friends and you start to notice qualities you like about the person. With a new baby you go from 0 to 1000 in .0005 seconds. Woah!!
* Once I got used to having a new love in my life I then became very anxious for about 7-10 days. It was probably the normal baby blues that one gets. But I just remember being consumed with fear for her life those first few days to the point where I didn't sleep at all for like 3 days just watching her nonstop. The other feeling that was present was utter incompetence. I felt really stupid a lot of the time!
* Breastfeeding does NOT just happen easily and naturally. Just like I didn't bother with birthing classes I also didn't understand why people needed breastfeeding instruction. Boy was I in for a shocker. I ended up needing several sessions with more than one lactation consultant and even then it took quite a while for things to fall into place. Even now I still worry about whether she's getting enough, whether I'm making enough, can't we make her latch better, etc.
* Going into the pregnancy I had low expectations for breastfeeding for a variety of reasons. But once she was here I became obsessed with getting it to work. Unfortunately my family was surprisingly NOT supportive. It seems that my breastfeeding was not in vogue for my Mom's generation. Three days after Alanis was born my parent came up to the house and the baby was crying because she was hungry. We were having trouble with the feeding still at that point and my parents started freaking out that she was hungry and I wasn't feeing her appropriately. So I gave in to them and gave her a bottle two feedings in a row. After they left when we tried to get her to latch on for the next feeding, she refused. I thought it was all over. We tried for 1.5 hours while both she and I cried. Eventually we got things to work, sort of and thankfully my milk finally came in the next evening and the baby was much happier. And my parents stopped harassing me about bottles!
* Growth. This one goes in conjunction with breastfeeding. Since I was set on BFing exclusively they had to monitor her weight closely those first few days. When we went in that Thursday after she was born (4/17) she was down to 5lbs 10oz since they lose some the first few days. At 8 days (4/21) she was back up to 6lbs. This was a nice gain of over an ounce a day. She continued that trend weighing 6lbs 9.5ounces at her 2 week check up on 4/28 and 7lbs 11ounces at her 1 month check up on 5/12. Wh
* Sleep. Oh wonderful uninterrupted sleep, how I miss you. I guess I didn't really think this one out through before I had the baby. This is probably a good thing because if I had known just how bad it is I may have waited some more. I guess I figured you'd have some bad nights but also some good nights. I didn't realize you would never sleep a full night again for a while!! Naive little me. I thought I'd have stretches of time where I'd be sleeping. Oh no no no. The baby needs to eat every 3 hours and since I was BFing that meant I had to be the one doing this. And at that point it took an hour a feeding so even if I did manage to sleep afterwards it was only for 2 hours at a time.
* Day/night confusion. Eventually she started having slightly longer awake periods. Unfortunately, these were in the dead of night at first. "Look Mommy and Daddy! I want to interact with you now!" Yeah, but it's 3am!! We were torn because we were happy that she was finally recognizing our presence but we really had no energy for her at that time.
* Within a few days we were doing decently well getting the baby's needs met. But we realized we were ignoring our own! Some days it would be mid-afternoon and we hadn't eaten anything. That's when I called Mom and begged her to come over and stay with us so she could feed us and clean the house.

Damn, this sounds like negative stuff but it really wasn't. It's just that that is what stands out the most in my mind at this point. The baby was still pretty "fetal" that first month, especially since she was born quite skinny. She didn't do much yet but she did smile as she drifted off to sleep. And all her bodily functions were in place and provided entertainment for us. We were still just in awe of having made a little person and were content to just stare at her for hours on end.

4 weeks old:

Oh the irony of it (birth story)

2008-06-16T09:57:00.006-04:00

So as soon as I made that "motivation" post I looked at my previous post. I happened to be on 4/12 at around 10 in the morning. I hadn't gotten very many "cramps" yet by that point, just a few overnight that were so mild I ignored them. That post went on about our last weekend as a couple and stuff. Funny thing is that I started getting mild contractions that very day!!

Well, I don't know when/where you draw the line between cramps and contractions. I guess they were technically contractions since in the end their purpose was to get me ready and dilated. Anyway, that Saturday I started feeling what felt like period cramps sporadically. They were very mild and irregular. I recall that we went to the Indian restaurant we like for their lunch buffet. We got there maybe at around 2PM. By then the cramps were definitely happening. I was in denial at first hahaha. I had read in some books that you can get mild cramps for days or even weeks before labor so I didn't think too much of them at first, especially since I was scheduled to be induced on Wednesday anyway. But I do remember that in the restaurant I got a few of the cramps and they getting stronger because I remember wanting to make sure I didn't get one as I stood up to get food because I was afraid I'd wince and drop the plate. We made it through lunch fine and were going to go to the park for a walk but I asked JC to take us home to play video games instead.

The cramps continued throughout the day but I was having too much fun playing my game. Come evening JC asked if I was hungry but I had had so much food at the buffet that I didn't really feel like eating at that point. At about 9 or 10PM he got hungry and I grilled him some hot dogs but didn't eat anything myself. Normally, I would have been hungry again by that time, but the cramps were really becoming uncomfortable and were wearing me out a bit. I didn't want to alarm him since I figured they were just a false alarm. That was the same reason I didn't call my Mom either. Though I was having fun with the game at 11PM I was uncomfortable enough to not want to be sitting in that position and went to bed. At this point I am still thinking they're just cramps, though they had progressed to at least as painful as menstrual cramps by that point.

At exactly 2AM I woke up with a start. OUCH!! My cramps were now painful enough to wake me up and definitely MORE painful than any menstrual cramp I had ever had. I still could not imagine that I was going into labor and tried to go back asleep. The pain woke me again at 2:12 and again I went back to sleep. 2:24, 2:30 something . . . I soon realized they were coming regularly at about 10-12 minute intervals and that's when I started to panic just a little bit. I also decided to take some Tylenol at this time to try to get some sleep. I had that appointment with my doctor at 9AM anyway so I figured I'd know soon enough what was going on. I took a couple of Tylenol and slept about 2 hours but then woke up 4ish and was too uncomfortable to go back asleep. I figured I'd stay in bed until it was time to get ready for the appointment but by 6AM I couldn't stand it anymore and decided to get up and shower. OUCH!!! Somehow the water made things feel worse and though I originally intended on staying home until 8 I woke my husband up and told him to take me to the hospital now. We got there shortly before 7 while the nurses were changing shifts. The night nurse was mad that we didn't call the doctor first. I told her that I knew he was on his way eventually since I had a 9AM appt with him and I figured I could just wait for him since I was too uncomfortable at home. Thankfully, the new nurse who came in with the new shift was a Godsend. She was super sweet and hooked me up to the monitor while we waited for the doctor who had gotten paged by then. My pressure was reading somewhere near 150/95, but thankfully my pulse was not racing and the baby seemed ok. They kept drawing blood to make sure that my liver and kidney functions were ok, which they were. When the doctor finally came in at 9 and checked me he confirmed that I had indeed gone into labor on my own and was now about 1cm dilated. "Looks like we're going to have a baby today" he said and JC and I just looked at each other wide-eyed. The staff started the process of admitting me and that’s when it finally hit us!! That's also when I realized that I knew NOTHING about what I was about to go through and how to best deal with things. I had not had ANY training in terms of preparing for labor as I had spent my entire pregnancy assuming I’d be c-sectioned due to my heart condition. Thankfully the nice nurse calmly explained what to expect and helped me with breathing throughout. I have to admit that I seriously had a deathly fear of labor. For years I couldn’t imagine myself going through it and I think this was part of why I waited so long to have a baby in the first place.

We were moved to the L&D suite and I was started on a Pitocin drip at 9:30AM. As the contractions got worse and worse, I started panicking somewhat. I found it increasingly more difficult to cope with each contraction. They were suddenly coming every two minutes and I just felt like I had no time to recover from each one. JC and DL (the nice nurse) kept helping me breathe and were talking me through it.

At 11AM the doctor came in to check me and I was about 2cm dilated. At that point he decided to break my water to help the labor progress. The nurse explained to me to get ready for the intensity of the cramps to rise as now I wouldn’t have a cushion in between my baby’s head and the cervix. Boy oh boy am I glad for that warning because otherwise my first contraction after the bag breakage may have sent me off the deep end! The pain increased by several orders of magnitude. If I was having trouble coping before I couldn’t imagine how I was going to handle it now. Things went from being hammered from the inside out to having an entire demolition crew in there working with high powered explosives. I started to hyperventilate and ended up getting oxygen. The other thing that happened was that there was some meconium in the water too. Not a lot, but some. So my baby was definitely stressing out. I told the doctor that I wanted the epidural ASAP because I was afraid I’d get tachycardic. The anesthesiologist was supposed to arrive in about 30 minutes they said. My husband was a wonderful coach and kept supporting me and telling me it wouldn’t be much longer now. I couldn't imagine how I'd live another 30 minutes with that pain and started calling out to God. I think this frighteneed my husband but he tried not to show it and just kept talking to try to keep me distracted. He tried to hold my hand and massage me but when the pain came I didn't want to be touched. I closed my eyes to avoid looking at the clock or the monitor. My contractions were coming up but not as strongly as I expected and that was dismaying because I couldn't imagine them getting worse. In the end I ended up waiting an hour for the anesthesiologist and honestly I don’t know how I made it through. By the time she got there my whole body was shaking. It must have been because I was pleading to God to help me and give me strength. They had me get into the epi position and I remembered all the things I had heard about epi’s gone wrong. But at that point I remember thinking that I didn’t care if I was maimed for life as long as they could make that pain go away. Amazingly, as soon as she injected me, it was over. I didn’t feel a single ounce of pain again, only dull pressure. For me, the epidural is the best invention EVER!!

Once it was in the doctor came back in to see where I was at. “This is interesting” he says, which made me worry. Well, it turned out I was at 5cm. We were all surprised that I had gone that far in such a quick amount of time. They raised my pitocin level and he said he’d come back in two hours to check on me. By then I was feeling like I was in Club Med from the epidural so I started texting my friends. My family had been contacted back when I was 2cm and they were slowly getting ready to come up on the train. We figured she wouldn’t be born until the evening at the earliest.

Shortly before 2PM I told my husband that I felt “roundness” and wasn’t sure what it was. So it wasn’t entirely shocking when the doctor came in a few minutes later and said “You’re fully dilated. Time to push this baby out.”

I was told that each round of pushing would include 3 big 10 second pushes. I went through two rounds but then the baby’s heart rate dropped dangerously low so I was given a 15 minute break until she restabilized. The doctor then told me I’d get one more round of pushing to try before he’d break out the vacuum. I knew I didn’t want any more interventions, especially a vacuum extraction, so I prayed again and gave it my absolute all. On the third push I heard someone say “the head is out” and then I looked down and saw my little girl’s little bottom. She was born at 2:40 PM.

She weighed 5lbs 14 ounces, which was her estimated weight 2.5 weeks earlier. It seems that she hadn’t been thriving those last 2 weeks between my high blood pressure, the low amniotic fluid, and the chest cold that almost turned into pneumonia. That was probably why she decided she wanted to get out of there!

She is absolutely perfect and beautiful and we couldn’t stop staring at her. We are absolutely in love and so thankful that she is well and in our lives. Here is our blessed Alanis Soleil:

Motivation

2008-06-16T09:54:00.001-04:00

I've been wanting to update this blog for oh, two months now at least, but have been mostly unmotivated to do anything other than take care of my baby. But yesterday as we celebrated Father's Day I realized that I really do want to be updating things as they happen. So I will now try to backtrack in an effort to catch up to current events.

The final countdown

2008-04-12T09:51:00.003-04:00

There is a possibility that I will be getting induced this coming Wednesday, April 16th. This will be one week ahead of my due date. Basically the doctor no longer feels comfortable with my borderline high blood pressures and feels this might be best for both of us. I was initially sad about the thought of "forcing" the baby out, but I do agree that it's the safest thing at this point. I'm just happy we made it this far.

So this is potentially our last weekend together as a couple. As of next weekend we'll be parents! Though we're excited as can be about the baby I have to admit I feel a little anxious about the upcoming change. We've been a couple for nearly 12 years and now the dynamics are going to change for ever. I am sure it will be for the best but I know that it will take some time to get used to it. My husband is not worried at all at this point, which makes me think he's in for a rude awakening haha!!

I forgot to put up a link to my shower pics. Here they are: shower pics.

My shower was on Sunday, March 9th at a restaurant in my old neighborhood in Manhattan. It turned out very well, thank God. I had been stressing out about it since I ended up having to pay and plan for everything myself. Friends of mine from all my social circles were there: my close friends growing up, girls I went to grammar school with, high school friends, college friends, friends from my old corporate job, musician friends, church friends, my current work friends, and of course, relatives. It was great to see their enthusiasm for my baby. I guess it helped that we waited over 6 years after getting married to finally go for it.

I will know for sure tomorrow whether or not I am getting induced on Wednesday. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning for another NST (non stress test) and a cervix check-up. I've been getting occasional mild cramps so I hope that at least something is going on so that the induction has a better chance of actually working.

At first I felt like I wanted only my husband there but now I do want my Mom there too, though I will prohibit both of them from standing anywhere but at my head. It's not that Mom and I are not close, it's more that we have a sort of reverse relationship where I was a parentified child who always had to be strong for her. I wanted to have the freedom to be weak if the pain got to me and I am unable to do that with her around. But now I realize that I don't want to be weak and that I actually need/want her there. We're trying to figure out the logistics because my parents don't have a car and I will be deliving in Connecticut and now my Dad is having 6 dental implants placed on Tuesday. Oh well, we'll figure something out.

Thursday and yesterday were revisit weekend at Columbia's medical school. Revisit weekends are an opportunity for accepted students to meet their potential classmates and to get a feel for the school. The schools try really hard to sell themselves. I had a great time (though I was exhausted by the end of it) and feel much better about the school now. Though it's the school that makes logistic sense for me because it's walking distance to Mom, I had concerns about it in the beginning. The bureaucracy there is still a pain, but most of my other worries have dissipated. They showed me an initial financial aid package which is decent enough that it would be possible for me to attend, but I will still wait on the other two schools to see if there is some bargaining I can do. Also, I do want to attend Cornell's revisit in May to make a final decision about where I really want to be.

I can't believe that as of late Summer my life is going to be so different as I will be a Mom and a medical student. *gulp* Oh yes, and hopefully I will be an oboe student again at that point. Yay!

The end of an era

2008-03-30T13:32:00.003-04:00

I'm supposed to be at Mass right now, but I decided not to go. Well, it wasn't that I didn't go at all, I actually did go. I attended Mass at the local church here because I elected not to drive into the City today to go to our regular church. First off because I've been super sick all week. This is the absolute worst I've felt all pregnancy. It started Monday afternoon with general malaise, sort of like when you're coming down with the flu. Instead I got a very nasty upper respiratory tract infection. At one point I could barely breathe and had no energy to do anything but lie down (which made breathing even harder). I ended up going back for monitoring on Thursday and me and the baby were both tachycardic due to my fever. I'm doing better now, thank God. At least coughing no longer feels like I'm spewing parts of my lung out.

But the real reason I decided not to go to Mass today was because it was supposed to be our "last" Mass. Let me go back a little bit to put things in perspective.

I was baptized at this church in 1975 (age 1) and it has been my parish ever since. I attended grammar/junior high school there and completed ALL of my sacraments there. Up until college I attended the English masses as these were similar to the ones we would attend as part of school. Then in 1991 or so I started attending the "charismatic" mass in the downstairs chapel. All the parts of the Mass are essentially the same. The only difference is that everything that can be sung is sung, and that the style of the music itself is not hymns accompanied by an organ, rather it's more of a folk/popular music style. At first there was only a guitarist there but eventually they added electric bass and drums. Also, the singers used microphones. In the Fall of 1992 I was invited into this choir (as a singer) by the then director. When I became a music major in 1994 and started learning music theory I became more involved in the actual music itself. When the bass player left in 1995, I looked to the new guitarist (my now husband) to help me figure out how to play. By the beginning of 1996 I became the group's bassist. When the director left around 1997 or so, he named my boyfriend (now husband) and I the new directors, a post we've held ever since. Aside from the selection and playing of the music, we also have had to deal with a slew of "people management" issues throughout the years. At one point all the original members were replaced by young people and there were many diva/divo problems for years. Eventually people matured but hard feelings remained. Then there were personal problems that some members had and insisted involving everyone in. Then there were issues with the other groups of the church. Though we stayed amongst ourselves, there was also some degree of rivalry between all the groups. Because we were the only group with "professional" musicians (by then both my husband and I were gigging around town) the other groups I think felt threatened by this. Oh, then there was also the issue of some priests not really liking to serve our mass because they weren't into the whole folk music thing. Anyway, in spite of all this drama we stayed true to the group, even though we never received a single cent or even a "thank you" from the parish. We loved the community and the music so much that it didn't matter. We felt that we were both growing as people and serving God at the same time, so what could be better. As the years passed, this feeling diminished somewhat. Maybe it was due to members slowly but surely departing. Regardless when we moved out of the City in 2004, we kept serving the Mass. Even though other members had moved right around the block and used that as an excuse to stop going. Our mass may be "fun" to participate in, but it is a HUGE commitment. It comes smack in the middle of your Sunday (1:00 - 2:30) and when you count set up and take down time you are there from noon to 3. This kind of kills your day (especially for us commuters) since you couldn't do anything before or after. Anyway, we kept going. By this time my husband was no longer as keen on it as I was, but I really needed a connection back to my hometown now that I was living in the "burbs". And so things have remained the past 3-4 years, but slowly even I have started feeling like our time there was up, that we had overstayed our welcome and that the group was ready for another rebirth.

I may have never had the courage to even *think* of leaving were it not for the two big things happening this year: med school and the baby. And actually it's more the school thing that was the beginning of the end. I knew I wanted to go to school in the City because I still miss it and that's where I wish I was. I though of having to commute in every weekday for classes and realized that commuting a 6th day would be ludicrous. One, gas prices are so high these days and two (most importantly) I am going to need a break from the commuting so that I can spend some quality time at home studying or with my husband/child. As the reality of med school drew closer, I realized there was no way I could easily fit my church activity into the mix any longer. Besides, there are a slew of churches here in Westchester, some of which may be a better fit for who I am today (as oppposed to who I growing up). So we told the group that since I'd have to go "on leave" anyway due to the baby, that we would simply not come back. By the time we'd be ready to return it would almost be time for school to start anyway. So the group has known for a while that March 30th would be our "last Mass".

Little did I expect the torrent of emotion I am feeling right now. I never expected it to hurt quite this much. I don't know if it's because it's been my church all my life or if it's that I became too attached to the music. All I know is that when I attended that other Mass today I spent the whole mass tearing up thinking of my Mass. The building, the people, our little corner where we sit at with the instruments. I saw so many years flash by me. Different people who've come and gone. Different priests. The seat where my Mom usually sits at and how much she's changed since 1992. We were unable to find replacements for ourselves because none of the musicians we know are willing to take on the responsibility for no reimbursement. So supposedly the one singer we had left is staying with this semi-responsible younger musician. Who knows how long it will last? I keep thinking of how disappointed the nearly 1000 people who go there will be when they realize we are not coming back. Will they resent my baby thinking it was her "fault"? No one really knows that I am going back to school or what it will entail and that THAT is the real reason I am not going back. That, and a tiny bit of resentment about how we've not been appreciated ever. I realize now that we provided the very best of ourselves that we could and that the result was aesthetic pleasing and professional. It always stings a little to go other places, hear a cacophany, yet see the appreciation of the priests.

Anyway, I just couldn't bear to go today. Because as much as I begged the others not to tell anyone that it was our last mass I have a feeling they were planning some kind of announcement and I would have been mortified because I hate when people use announcements for personal news. I am glad I didn't go because if I cried at this other church I would have surely bawled at ours, knowing it may be the last time (at least officially). If they manage to keep the group going and we have an off week here or there, we would be open to going in to help. That's part of why I didn't want any announcements because then it would be awkward to go back.

How am I supposed to go on without something that's been such a huge part of my life for over 15 years?? I thought it would be easy to find a church here and set up a contract and start getting paid for our services. But now I realize it may not really feel right. There are a lot of other feelings/issues going on that I think I've been covering up with the music all these years.

Regardless, today is the official end of an era. What once was, will no longer be. Ever again. And for now all I can think of doing is mourn for it.

Goodbye, my lifelong friend. I hope I've done the right thing.

POM update

2008-03-04T20:56:00.002-05:00

Wow, I can't believe this much time has passed since my last update. Oh dear. I'm not even going to bother making excuses at this point. But I did want to share what I am up to.

Premed:
I have wonderful news on this front. I have been accepted at my top three choices!! Now it's a matter of how the financial aid pans out. God willing I will be a first year at either Cornell, Columbia, or Albert Einstein this August. This is exciting and scary at the same time. Medical school has been in the background since my high school days and suddenly it will become a major aspect in my life, in an almost violent way. With a baby on board also, it can all feel overwhelming. But I am trying to remain positive and focusing on the fact that I am realizing a life-long dream.

Baby:
I am now 33 weeks. I can't believe this either. It still feels surreal but the realization that another person is coming into our lives is slowly sinking in. That, and her head looked mighty large on that ultrasound yesterday. *gulp* She's weighing in at just under 4 pounds and is head down, so all looks good. I haven't put up many belly shots because they've been mostly anti-climatic. I've looked the same for a while and only recently have people started noticing that I am actually pregnant. I waited all my life to NOT have to hide my belly and of course mine decided to be pretty small. I guess I shouldn't complain and it still may pop yet, but I have to admit that it's been a bit of a let down, especially when all the other pregnant ladies I see have big, cute, round bellies. Well the important thing is that my baby is doing just fine inside her oblong home. The funny thing is that when I went shopping for what to wear for my shower I made sure the blouse made me look bigger than I am hahaha.

My baby shower is this coming Sunday. My husband and I ended up planning it ourselves (long story). It will be a "traditional" girls-only (except for JC) shower, which is causing some headaches because that's not the way people run these things back home. Normally our showers are more like regular, co-ed parties. But I have always really hated the idea of people drinking and dancing as a way of "celebrating" a birth. So from the get go I knew I wanted something more elegant and appropriate, i.e. a nice lunch with my girlfriends, allowing us a chance to catch up. Since no one in my family knew what to make of this we had to just do it ourselves. Everyone is excited about it except, of course, distant relatives who want to bring significant others, friends, and kids along even though we explained that we are running out of room and are paying per head. *sigh*

Oboe:
Last but certainly not least. My playing is going almost as slowly as the blogging, unfortunately. With continued drowsiness it has been impossible to continue with my daily practice routine. And you all know that once you fall out of it, you basically have to start over again, little by little. At this point I have finally realized that now is not the time to restart my routine as it will surely be interrupted in about 7 weeks. So I think I need to stop feeling guilty and stop beating myself up and just relaxing and realizing that my oboe won't go anywhere. It's going to be a pain but hopefully by the summertime I can resume more regular practicing. I doubt it will be 1-2 hours anymore, but I will be happy if I can get in a good 30 minutes a day again at some point. I will try to meet one more time with my teacher this month so that she can give me some stuff to do at home for the next few months. I need to take this break from lessons because it just doesn't make sense for me to pay for lessons I can't prepare for. It's a waste of both our times and it gives me a lot of negative feelings because I want to be giving it my all.

That all being said, it's not that I am not playing at all. I do play a few times a week just to make sure I don't completely lose it. In fact, I am going to participate in one more concert with the Downtown Symphony. The concert is next Wednesday and I will be playing second oboe in Bizet's Symphony in C. I even have a little solo in the slow movement. That whole movement is absolutely beautiful! But I can't believe how LONG the phrases are at the end. I heard a recording of it and I can't tell where the person is breathing. It's amazing!

Ugh just thinking about taking a break from lessons is making me sad. *sniff* But I feel that if I keep being hard on myself it will make things worse and demotivate me even more. As school gets closer I will be more inclined to practice again (1) because I have to have a pattern in place so that it's easy to keep following and (2) because I might have the opportunity to find others to play with so I will have to get back into shape.

But for now I think I need to take it a bit easier. I have 4 weeks of work left and then after that I have some major organizing to do at home. Hopefully I'll find some time in there to play a few notes at least :-)

Nemo boobs!!

2008-01-22T23:09:00.000-05:00

Ok so this is the show I vow to never take my kid to:

Did they really not realize that the eyes are in an awkward position?? Actually maybe that's part of the plan. I think that if I went to it I'd be laughing like a 12 year old boy the entire time. It just seems wrong on so many levels!!

Things I've wanted to post about but have been too lazy to

2008-01-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

It's not that I don't want to write, it's just that I never get around to it. I will make some comments about posts I recently wanted to make. What's funny is that while I am walking around at work I will compose nice posts in my mind, but by the time I get home the inspiration is gone. Well, here goes nothing . . .

(1) Working out to music
There was a recent NY Times article about working out to music. Apparently someone figured out that there is a correlation between tempo and workout performance. You know, I (and probably a lot of other people) had already figured that out on my own. In fact, I have been known to turn back from the gym if my mp3 player dies out on me. I can't work out at all without my music these days. Typically I would do cardio first and then some weight training. The type of music is not as important for my weight training. If I was very tired, I'd listen to something mellow. If I was still pumped from the cardio I'd keep it at a high energy level. However, my cardio performance was definitely dependent on the music. Luckily I grew up listening to merengue. While my music is frequently criticized for being monotonous this works very well for working out. The article mentioned that jazz (which tends to be idolized, but that's a whole other post) is actually quite bad for working out because of all the tempo changes. While the article failed to mention merengue or other world music as good choices, it did sort of allude to it. My favorite type of merengue to listen to for aesthetic purposes is that from the 80's. That's when the music was at its height. For example, my favorite artist is Ramon Orlando who is a Classically trained pianist and arranger/composer. His merengues are simply beautiful. He writes classical lines with harmonies that work well with the feeling of the song. His sense of orchestration is wonderful due to his Classical roots. He's sometimes been criticized for not being jazzy enough, like Juan Luis Guerra, but frankly I don't think that jazzy always works in merengue. It has to be subtle (NOT like JLG's very first production). While I love to listen to Ramon Orlando's stuff it's not what I typically work out to. In recent years a new type of merengue emerged that some folks refer to as "calle" merengue or "street". I may have written about it in the past and referred to it as a "minimalist" type of merengue because everything is pared down: the harmonies are super simple (in fact, some songs stay on the same chord), the wind mambos are also simplified (or sometimes played by synthesizers - oh the horror!), the lyrics are not inspiring, and the tempi are VERY fast. Many of these songs are almost too painful to listen to, but a few artists are not so bad. These decent artists are actually GREAT to work out to. Other merengue substyles that work really well are tipico (perico ripiao) or palo. While the article listed a tempo of about 130 as ideal here are some of the tunes I was working out to. Tempi are approximate cause my digital metronome needs a new battery.

Julian Oro Duro - "Pasa y sientate" Tempo 162 after a slow intro. This was my favorite for getting started on the jog.
Julian Oro Duro - "Cuando baje la marea" Tempo 172
Julian Oro Duro - "Chinito" (quite politically incorrect) Tempo 192!!
Kinito Mendez - "A palo limpio" This one would inspire me to break out into a full out run even if my heart was beating out of my chest! Tempo 170
Toño Rosario - "Kulikitakati" (the original one - ummm, I don't think it means anything really) Tempo 164
Amarfis - "La Tuerka" (this one is really interesting hahaha! They are playing in D minor and the guy comes in singing a melody in F major. Who knew there was bitonality in merengue music? So what if it was unintentional) Tempo 168
Banda Gorda - "La Cura" Tempo 164
Banda Gorda - "Dejalo Ahi" Tempo 168
El Prodigio - "Baila Mujer" Tempo 160
Jovanny Polanco - "Dile que vuelva" Tempo 170

130? Those guys have to be kidding me. That's hardly a warm-up song! My average is hovering around 170. Hmm, it would be interesting to try to figure out why I need my music to be 30% faster than the general population's. Am I that much more unmotivated? Or is it because I grew up listening to pop music that's generally fast so in order to really work out I need something SUPER fast? That sounds more likely.

Over the past year, thanks to this crazy music, I accomplished something I could never do before: jog for 1 mile w/o stopping. It would take something like 13 minutes but I was so proud of myself for doing it (I think I had the machine at 5.5). Yet I owe it all to a few crazy, fast tunes. Yay, my music is good for something!! Darn, I wish there were an easy way to share these.

I really wanted to make a nice, well-researched, thought out post and possibly even send a response to NY Times. But oh well, this is the best my pregnant scattered brain could muster up.

Oh and I know have lost my oomph to write about my recent medical issues, my latest lesson, and a show I would NEVER take my kid to. Maybe later this week.

2007 is almost over!

2007-12-31T14:03:00.001-05:00

Seriously, how is it that each year passes by quicker than the last?

This time of the year always finds me reflecting on where I am and where I want to be. I can't complain about 2007. Things are marching in the right direction finally. It's weird because usually at New Year's I have a long list of things I want to do differently in the coming year. But for the first time I feel quite at peace this New Year's Eve. I'm at a pretty good place.

Yet since old habits die hard I have to include my areas of improvement for next year:
1.) The only area of my life that I feel needs a lot of improvement is my health. I am trying hard not to gain too much weight with the pregnancy since I was already a good 30-40 lbs over my ideal weight. I really need to devote some time & energy into being in shape, ideally before the baby but it might not really happen until afterwards. I'll keep taking it one day at a time and just try to make better choices every day.
2.) Music!! It's been an up and down year on my oboe, but the last few days I have felt more motivated again. I was fearing that I had permanently lost my will to play but realized that this down phase is definitely temporary when I found myself daydreaming about playing in an orchestra. It might take longer, but it will happen someday.
3.) The only other thing I want to change is to get more organized. I am confident this will be taken care of as part of the nesting thing. I have plans to reorganize things in our house because I know that if I don't do that before the baby comes, it will never be done. I can't afford to still be disorganize once school starts because it will add a lot of unnecessary stress to my life.

So basically my goals are to keep working on the things I am working on, just in a more consistent fashion.

I wish everyone the very best for 2008. May it a wonderful year for you too!

And I will leave you with a little survey:

IN 2008

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Sort of. If going back to school full-time for something completely new counts.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Definitely not.

3. New house?
Nah, we're comfy here for now.

4. What will you do different in 2008?
I will try to be more organized. Otherwise things might get ugly. Also, less procrastination would be nice.

5. New Years resolution?
To get back into shape.

6. What will you not be doing in 2008?
Working!!! After March or so anyway . . .

7. Any trips planned?
Not for 2008.

8. Wedding plans?
Been there, done that.

9. What's on your calendar?
An April 22nd due date . . .

10. What can't you wait for?
See number 9 . . .

11. What would you like to see happen different?
Less family drama would be nice.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
God willing, I'll become a mommy. I'll also become a medical student.

13. What happened in '07 that you didn't think would ever happen?
I took the MCAT, applied to medical schools, and got accepted into two so far.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I will need to be LOL!

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Yes, I am hoping to look a bit more polished.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I hope restart drinking. Now that I can't have any I randomly crave wine, beer, piña coladas, mai tais, or drambuie.

17. Will you have better relationship with your family?
I am praying for it.

18. Will you do charity work?
Probably some free clinic volunteering.

19. Will you go to bars?
Perhaps, though unlikely. Maybe as part of those socializing events at school. Never been into bars.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I always try to be.

21. Do you expect 2008 to be a good year for you?
2008 is going to be HUGE year for me. Many old dreams will be coming true.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I *finally* got my shit together.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Why now that you ask, yes.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Yes and will probably make a handful of new friends at school.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Hmm, let me see . . . a newborn and medical school. Oh yeah. Major lifestyle changes . . .

26. Will you be moving?
Didn't we go over this already. No. But I will be going into the City every weekday again, so it might feel like we're moving back to my parents'.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2008 that happened in '07?
Getting stepped on by pushy people.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Hang out with the family and then perhaps with some friends.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
My JC!

30. Wish for 2008:
Health and happiness for everyone!

The best week in a while

2007-12-20T21:25:00.000-05:00

This week has been quite good.

It started off with a nice lesson where I played the Schumann Romance until my mouth hurt. It was one of our most productive lessons yet in terms of the playing. I even made a half decent reed after a reed hiatus.

A day later I *finally* started feeling the baby move in a consistent manner. I was starting to worry since I'm already 22 weeks. I started calling her "the lazy baby". My husband didn't like that and insisted that it's just that she is a good baby. Anyway, I felt her for the first time while driving my Mom to the mall. We were stuck in traffic and I really had to go and there she was . . . doing shiatsu on my bladder apparently. It was the first time I felt something definite in there and it's been a relief and a source of entertainment too. Apparently she has little parties in there after my meals. She's going to enjoy food just like her Mama. Oh dear . . .

Then today I get this email:

Greetings and Welcome to Weill Cornell Medical College!

On behalf of our Committee on Admissions, it is my pleasure to let you know that you have been selected for an early offer of admission to our 2008 entering class.

There was more but that was the part that I kept reading over and over and over again. I received the email at work and at first I thought it was a prank. But no, it really did come from the Admissions people. They normally don't notify until March but they do let a select few in in December. I had a pretty good feeling that I was getting in, but I was not expecting to be in the early pack. This is really a high! I struggled with the decision for so long and it feels sooooooooo good to be at this end and to finally feel like I did the right thing. I am really honored that they chose me as part of this group. Perhaps they're seeing something in me that I haven't quite seen yet. This is definitely a nice ego boost. :-)

Too bad I can't drink because I would really love a toast right now!

Oboe Anniversary!

2007-12-20T21:01:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh, I've been so busy these days that I neglected to note my oboe anniversary.
December 9th of this year marked my having played for 3 years. Time sure does fly when you're having fun.

Last year I had many lofty goals and it didn't end up quite working out that way, though I do know that I did progress. This time I just hope for continual improvement and motivation to practice.

My poor sweet oboe. It's been neglected lately. But rest assured, that it is still one of the top 5 things in my life.

Here's to a lifetime of playing!!

Romance No. 1 (I love you, Schumann)

2007-12-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

Because I am out of shape on my oboe the Mozart has been relegated a "reach" piece again and we're taking a little break from it. As my teacher said, it will always be there to work on since it's such a famous piece. In the interim we started working on the first Schumann Romance and I am loving it so far! First and foremost, it has remotivated me to practice. I had NOT been feeling the desire to practice for months now and I am not sure it was entirely due to my pregnancy-induced exhaustion. I think I still was subconsiously frustrated about not really having others to play with because even though I am unofficially part of an orchestra it doesn't really feel as good as it should because I miss most of the rehearsals. But anyway, whatever the reason was I do feel the need to practice every day again (though afore-mentioned exhaustion does get in the way a lot of times). Even if it's not quite happening as much as I'd like I am just happy to have that feeling again.

I think that the Schumann was the perfect piece to help me ease back into playing "real music". After being out of practice so long my embouchure had shifted again, affecting my sound and intonation. Before I could really start working on that piece I *HAD* to work on getting a better sound again. It's such a beautiful, deceptively simple piece that the sound is a huge part of what makes it. So there was no way I could really start practicing it with what was coming out of my oboe at first. Thankfully it didn't take as long as I thought to regain some of the sound improvements I had made earlier this year. I am still not back to where I was, but the sound is much better than a month ago. Also, intonation improvement came along with the sound improvement (since it was my biting the reed that was mucking up my sound AND tuning). At my previous lesson we talked about opening things up in the jaw and throat and getting the corners of my mouth back to where they should be. All that advice helped a lot.

Another way that the piece helps with sound and intonation is through the wide intervals in it. Though it doesn't sound technically challenging, it's quite difficult to in terms of dynamics, breath control, and phrasing. These are all things that I am enjoying working on because at least the pace of this piece is not as fast and furious as in the Mozart.

We went through the entire piece at my lesson this past Monday and it went better than expected. I hope it continues to improve for next week. :-)

Yay, I am playing again!!!!!!!

It's a girl!!

2007-12-05T20:08:00.000-05:00

Yay! My nascent maternal instinct was right: my baby is indeed a girl. We both feel very happy and blessed that everything is in its place and she is as healthy as she can be. Mommy, on the other hand, may need to be put back on the beta blockers because my pressure and heart rate have crept up semi-alarmingly. I will see my regular OB and my cardiologist next week to see if they agree with the perinatologist.

Here are some 3D pics of her:

She looks like she's singing here instead of yawning:

Big day tomorrow

2007-12-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is our "big ultrasound". That's the one where they check the anatomy, including the private parts. I have to admit I was very impatient about finding out the gender at first. My slight preference differed from my husband's. But as the weeks have dragged on by (it's been 8 weeks since we've peeked at the little one) I am becoming more anxious about the health of the baby and no longer care about the gender. I mean, sure, I want to find out but whatever slight preference I had is mostly gone. Partly, I am worried because I am 20 weeks and haven't felt any consistent baby motion. So I am just praying that when we look tomorrow that everything is in place and that my baby is just peaceful (not "lazy" as Mom put it hahaha).

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if there were not at least some drama. My husband took tomorrow off early on but found out just a couple of weeks ago that his departments HUGE annual meeting is, of course, tomorrow. Since he's their network and audio/visual person he ideally should be there, but won't because he will be with me at Greenwich Hospital. What they offered to do was house him in a hotel room in the City tonight so that he can set up the stuff tonight and early tomorrow morning, go up with me, and then go back in in the afternoon. Being a native New Yorker who never could afford to live in the posh areas I could not pass up the opportunity to sleep over with him so I am taking the train down and meeting him in a few hours. We'll have a nice dinner, play some final baby name games, watch heroes, and then sleep.

See you all tomorrow when I'll hopefully have some good news!

A lesson!

2007-11-28T13:04:00.000-05:00

This past Monday I had my first lesson in two months. Neither of us could believe that that much time had passed since our last meeting. She had been traveling a bit, but mostly I just hadn't been up to it. I went through a period of severe drowsiness for a few months and lost all motivation to practice (or do anything else other than sleep). Now that my appetite is back and I don't need to sleep 20 hours a day, I am slowly trying to get back to my playing.

Taking a two month break from seeing your teacher early on in your musical education is not the best idea in the world. Apparently I developed quite a few bad habits in my time alone.

The embouchure (surprise, surprise) had creeped back a little (my corners). But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst is that I was biting quite strongly. *sigh* I had gotten so used to it that I hadn't noticed what it was doing to my intonation until she played something. Ouch! So now I have to get my jaw and throat looser and more open, while bringing my corners back forward. How frustrating to have to work on that all again when I had it almost done earlier this year. Oh well. She did think that I would get back into shape rather quickly as she noted improvement even by the end of the lesson.

The other weird thing I am doing is excessive motion with my fingers. I do think this was always going on, as it was also a problem for me back in my saxophone days. But feeling clumsy due to non-practice exacerbated the problem because in my mind I am panicking to reach the right notes.

So I am going to try to keep these two things in mind (along with everything else this week) as I work on bringing my Mozart back up to speed. I am also going to start working on the 1st Schumann Romance as a "break" piece, just to not have to spend all my time and energy on the Mozart.

I think that for now the most important thing is getting back into my daily practice routine. For me what has worked the best is to tell myself that I will practice just 15 minutes a day, as long as I get it in every day, as opposed to trying for 1 hour sessions each time. By doing this it gets me on the instrument and almost always I end up playing at least 30-45 minutes, not only 15. It's going to be a slow climb back up but I finally feel the desire again. It's just weird because I am usually a lot harder on myself but I've had to let things go and just take things one day at a time.

Happy playing!

Changed the look a bit

2007-11-23T16:50:00.000-05:00

I was contemplating closing the blog down because I felt that I had lost my voice. Perhaps it's not so much that I lost it, but that it has changed. For a while I had the luxury of spending a LOT of time thinking about my newfound oboe obsession. But with medical school and motherhood around the corner, I just can't seem to write the same kind of musical posts as before. Yet I do still feel that I want to write things down so that I can look back at this someday. So I've switched the title to something kind of silly but which also encompasses my triumvirate. I will still write about my oboe happenings though things will likely remain slow like now.

Oh and didn't purposely leave the hubby out of my "three". He's already part of all and everything I do and am.

DEBUT!

2007-11-15T20:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. It was my orchestral debut. The Downtown Symphony had its first concert of the season last night and I played in the Franck symphony as well as the Chaminade Concertino for Flute and Orchestra. But before I did that I had to go through another medical school interview. My alma mater emailed me on Friday to let me know that I had an interview coming up in 5 days. Oh, and I had to be there at 8AM for a special breakfast. FUN! My husband was supposed to drive me in but then that fell through so I had to wake up before dawn in order to make sure that I'd make it to upper Manhattan while there were still available parking spaces. Luckily for me there is no alternate side parking up there on Wednesdays so I was able to find something on a remote avenue. After having two successful interviews I was nervous that my luck would run out at one of my top choices. Thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful interviewer who is very committed to recruitment and was very receptive to my path to medicine. So now I have 3 good interviews down.

Oh, let me back up at this point. So as I mentioned earlier it was a stressful morning for me. Before I could leave the house I had to pack everything I would need for both my interview and the concert. I wanted to be prepared but I couldn't afford to travel too heavily either. And I'm doing all this while wearing my suit. I am not used to dressing up and it tends to make me uncomfortable. Anyway, so at 6 something I was running a mental note of everything I needed to take with me.

Interview portfolio with my primary application, the particular school's secondary application, and my list of questions . . . CHECK
Necessary toiletries for the day . . . CHECK
A non-bulky change of shoes in case the feet get really painful . . . CHECK
An umbrella because it had to rain, of course . . . CHECK
My IPOD for the subway ride to BMCC . . . CHECK
The music I was playing for the concert . . . CHECK
My oboe . . . CHECK
Black top for the concert . . . CHECK
My reeds . . . . . . . . . oops . . . (Hilda 0, PregnancyBrain 164)

Oh yes my friends. The girl who has waited oh so long to finally play a concert with an orchestra left her reed case on top of the dresser. Luckily I didn't realize this during all the interview mania. In fact, I didn't realize it until I sat down on the subway. I had that giddy "thank GOD I just god a seat 'cause 168th to Chambers is a long @ss ride" feeling when I put my hands on top of my oboe case and it felt odd. Immediately I realized that that good reed case was not there. My older reed case was there with three duds. I fought back tears and decided to just keep on going. At that point it was too late to go home and get back in time for the concert.

Once I got there I tested my duds and they were all awful. One sounded like a kazoo. And the other two leaked so badly that they could only play with waterlogged cigarette paper around them and only for a couple of minutes. Thankfully the first oboist lent me a reed and while it wasn't my usual sound (it felt stuffy) but at least I was able to produce sound predictably on it. My little solo turned out pretty well I think. It may even be on film and if it is I will try to see if I can share it with you.

Overall, the experience was great, though my elation was dampened by the reed fiasco. It was exciting to be up on stage and to watch people come in to see us. Though once they turned the lights on I couldn't see the audience at all. Our conductor got all dressed up! And we had "ringers" who filled in missing parts and supplanted the string section so we sounded much better than during rehearsals. I thought I would have time to think about how miraculous it is to be there actually making the music, but instead I was too worried counting bars and looking at the conductor to make sure I didn't miss anything. I did make mistakes but it didn't really matter as the stakes were low and we were just there to have fun. That was the beauty of it. It was great to be with all these people making music and enjoying it.

I hope this is the first of many, many more concerts.

I'm in an orchestra . . . sort of

2007-10-24T20:02:00.000-04:00

So I'm sort of in an orchestra. I say "sort of" because thus far I've only made 2 of the rehearsals and the first concert is 3 weeks away. I had been invited to this orchestra last year but the problem has been that their rehearsals are on Tuesday from 5:30-7:30 at BMCC which is on the southernmost tip of Manhattan. I work at the NY/CT state line and usually don't get out of work on Tuesdays until 6. Last year I didn't even attempt it, but when the lone oboist reached out to me again this year I couldn't resist. If I can sneak out of work and catch the 4:59 train I can make it there at 6:30. Not great but at least it's something. Due to a lot of staffing uneasiness going on at work I am hesitant to ask for a schedule change at this time. As it is, I am the one with the most flexible schedule already since I am technically "part time". I am sure others won't take well to me leaving early on our busiest day of the week. But anyway, for now it looks like I will be allowed to play at the concert. The oboist and I might start getting together on Mondays to go over stuff since that is my day off.

This upcoming concert will feature Cesar Frank's Symphony in D minor. I had never heard the piece previously and knew nothing about the composer. I was saddened to read in my Essential Canon of Classical Music that he did not enjoy much success during his lifetime. In fact, one of the things I love about this symphony (the EH part, of course) was the source of ridicule. Anyway, since I tend to like Romantic music I was ok with the piece from the beginning. Some parts have tense harmonies that sound weird at first but are interesting to play and to feel/hear resolve.

The oboe parts are not too horribly difficult. The ultra slow beginning is difficult to deal with when you're trying to practice at home without a conductor. There are not too many technically difficult or fast sections, but there are some excursions into E-flat minor that get a bit hairy. When the conductor asked what we should be doing right before that key change one of the bassists said "panic". Hahah, my sentiments exactly.

Because there are only two of us oboists and because I don't yet own or play the EH, the other oboist will play that part. The EH has some major play time in the 2nd movement and I had assumed she would try to switch back and forth but instead she wants me to play the 1st oboe part all by myself. That means that I will have some solos, including my own shot at playing the lovely EH theme (the oboe echoes the EH near the end of the movement). It's such a simple yet beautiful melody. And it has my favorite interval! An ascending minor sixth. Ahhh.

Ok, is it just that composers write wonderfully beautiful lines for the EH or is it that everything sounds beautiful when played on an English Horn? Hmmmmmm.

drum roll

2007-10-15T16:48:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone!!! Without further ado I would like to introduce you to someone:

Yes, it is a baby . . . a baby that's living inside of me for now.

Now for a little interview:

When did you find out you were pregnant?
On August 12th. I had no clue when we left for CA but by the end of the trip I was starting to feel "weird". I was frequently feeling queasy while in cars and I never suffer from motion sickness. Then on the plane ride home I became aware of a hyper sensitive sense of smell. It was as though I was in a cabin of dirty people LOL! The first thing I did when we got back home was take a test. Blood tests the next day confirmed that I was less than 4 weeks which meant that I'd have to wait 8 weeks to share the news!

When are you due?
My due date is April 22, 2008. I will be 13 weeks tomorrow.

Was it planned?
Since the beginning of the year I had been more open to the idea than usual. However, MCAT preparation proved to be very stressful so I deferred any thoughts on the matter until after the test. Then my mother-in-law came to town for 2 months which further delayed things. She left on July 15th, the day after my 33rd birthday. I spent much of that day feeling that yes, I was finally ready. I knew that the timing was tight because of everything else going on. The funny thing is that while I was at the San Diego zoo I was so touched by the way the animals took care of their young and I was overwhelmed by a feeling that having children is one of the main reasons we're here on this Earth. So after that I really felt like OK I'm ready. Little did I know that by then my little bean was already there.

How does your husband feel?
He's ecstatic beyond words! It's quite endearing. In fact if I had known he wanted a baby this badly maybe I wouldn't have waited 6 years!

Will you still go to medical school?
Yes, the plan has not changed. In fact, I am happy to report that I have 3 interview offers so far, including one at my top choice school! My first interview will be this Wednesday. The timing worked out as well as it could have considering that I waited until July to start trying. With the baby being born in April I will have 4 months of staying home with him/her before school starts. I am very excited about everything that is going on right now. I finally feel like my life is no longer on pause and that it is going in the right direction.

Who will take care of your baby while you're in school?
Though for a while I was afraid she wouldn't agree and would go back to DR, my mom is on board with taking care of her first grandchild. We just told Dad this weekend (we had to wait because we were afraid he'd tell everyone too soon) and he's even more excited. My mom lives in Manhattan which works because I will likely be going to school in the City. In fact, I may even be walking distance from her depending where I end up getting in.

Will you find out the sex?
Oh yeah, baby. We love technology!! Some folks say that there are few good surprises in life, but trust me, that second faint line on that pregnancy test was enough of a surprise to last us a few years.

How about the oboe?
I've been on a little hiatus due to a scare about 10 days ago (ended up in the ER but we're all ok). However, I just got the ok from the doctor today to resume playing as long as I feel ok while doing it. I'll take it slowly and probably not go for more than an hour at a time (which isn't really an issue lately since I'm so busy). I'm still trying to work out my schedule at work so that I can get out early on Tuesdays for those orchestra rehearsals. I should be able to play 3 of the 4 concerts this school year.

How have you been feeling?
Mostly ok. I have been VERY VERY drowsy most of the time but that is starting to get better now. I have also been mildly nauseous but do not actually throw up. I've gone from being someone who enjoys most foods to the world's pickiest eater. One day I like something, the next day it makes me want to hurl. The one thing that I can no longer stand to even smell is coffee! Can you believe it? I have tried it 3 times since I found out (including my favorite Starbucks recipe) and each time it has tasted vile. I'm looking forward to entering the second trimester in a week. Apparently I will get my energy back for three months. YAY!

Well, I guess that's it for now. Now that I am not sleepy all day I will once again try to be better about updating.

Rehearsal!?!?

2007-10-02T10:31:00.000-04:00

Guess what??

I might be attending my very first orchestra rehearsal tonight!!!!!!!!!! The first oboist from the Downtown Symphony (the one at BMCC) emailed me to tell me that they're in need of an oboist again. I was hesitant to join them last year because the rehearsal I attended was a bit disorganized. But by now I am very desperate to play with others and I think I can deal with funky strings for a while. Besides, I heard that they get fill-in strings for the concerts anyway.

The only downside is that I am supposed to stay at work late on Tuesdays. Now I have to find a way to sneak out at 4:45 even though we are never done with patients until around 5:30. I then have to take the Metro North train to Grand Central, the 7 cross town, then the 2 or 3 to Chambers. It will be quite a journey. But well worth it if I get to play with others finally!!

I am excited but nervous and still don't believe it's true yet.

Oh, would anyone mind if I start posting about other stuff in my life here? Sometimes I want to post, but not necessarily about music but I feel obligated to make the posts here music related. It would be cool if I could go on about med school stuff, family, and music all in the same place. Maybe that's what the labels are for? I need to figure out how to work with blogger more.

One more thing: I received my first medical school interview invite today. SUNY Downstate on the 17th!! Woohoo!!

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

2007-08-31T13:51:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone! Just wanted to wish you all a nice long weekend and give you a quick update.

My medical school application process is moving along pretty well. Eight applications have been submitted so far. I have 6 more secondary applications to finish, but I only care about 3 of them. My recommendation package should be going out from my school in the next week. Hopefully I will start getting interview invites some time in September.

I had my first lesson since returning from CA this past Monday. I was deathly scared because once again I felt ill-prepared. Finding time and energy to practice every day has become exponentially harder than when I started playing. It makes no sense really because at least I don't sound like a duck anymore. Thankfully the lesson went better than expected. My reed wasn't completely finished but it was getting there. The Mozart had some issues but the sound of it was a lot better. My issues are mostly with articulation. Because the lesson went well this week also went much better in terms of practicing. I've practiced 3 days in a row now after months of every other day. YAY! Part of it was motivation from the good lesson but also she gave me a lot of assignment for my next lesson which is this coming Sunday already. I have to work on scales (E and F major), an articulation exercise, the first two Sellner studies, and the Mozart (including several more bars). It feels nice to be playing again. I feel like I had forgotten how magical it is . . .

California!

2007-08-10T11:31:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone. Having to write scores of essays for my medical school applications has left me unable to update the blog but I just had to write something about this week. After a crazy first half of the year my husband and I rewarded ourselves by taking an impromptu trip to California. Neither of us had been to the West coast but we were both curious to see if we'd like it enough to consider relocating there in the next 5-10 years.

We arrived last Saturday in San Diego, spent two days there, drove up for a day in LA, spent another day in San Luis Obispo, and are now spending the rest of our time with a friend in San Jose. Oh, and yesterday we spent the day in San Francisco. So we've gotten a nice little survey of all the major cities we were curious about. We didn't quite know where to go in LA so for now we are leaving it off our list, but we were very positively impressed by every place we have visited. I could certainly imagine a life here on this side of the country. That all being said, it will probably take the next 5 years for me to convince myself to leave the New York City area. It's incredibly emotional for me to even consider being far away from it, but there's a feeling growing inside me of wanting to start fresh somewhere new. We'll see what happens as time goes by. But at least now we have options.

On Wednesday I met Patty! Hi Patty!! It was wonderful to meet in person after 2 years of blogging and chatting. She correctly guessed that I was nervous leading up to our meeting. It's always scary to play for someone new and I was especially worried because I am at my worst shape ever; my practicing has been sporadic at best the past few months. However, Patty put me at ease and I was able to play for her and even with her (we played some duets). She sounds beautiful, of course, so the duets were a special treat. Thanks so much for the amazing time, Patty! If we move to San Jose I will be begging to become one of your official students.

We will be leaving on the red-eye tomorrow night. At this point we're pretty exhausted but also curiously refreshed. It's been nice to step out of our life for a bit and imagine a new life where the focus is us. Back home, we are being pulled in so many directions. I now feel recharged and ready to return and hit the ground running.

Early Birthday Gift

2007-07-11T13:26:00.000-04:00

I had a lesson on Saturday morning. This lesson was dubbed the "Hilda" lesson because my teacher offered it for free in celebration of my MCAT score (I scored in the top 10% of test takers). She also presented me with a gift of Venezuelan chocolate and a brand new reed. These were early birthday presents!

MCAT costs (including Kaplan class I never attended): $1900
Gas: $35
Triborough bridge tolls: $7
New reed: Priceless

I got to call all the shots at the "Hilda" lesson which meant that we did NOT work on reeds. Hahah. I ended up talking for the first few minutes, playing a few scales, and then playing some of the Mozart I had worked on.

The Mozart is going ok. While there she secretely moved up my metronome and I ended up playing at 108, even though at home I couldn't play over 92. However, she wants me to slow it back down because I am not getting the articulation right in all spots. For my next lesson (this Friday) I have to play the entire first page (I'll get the bar numbers later) with the correct articulations.

I'm still struggling with my motivation to practice daily (and to post here too). I am hoping everything will go back to normal once I'm done with the med school application process. MY AMCAS application (the primary, central application) was submitted this Monday. Once that gets verified it will get sent out to the 14 schools I am applying to. Then each school will require submission of a secondary application. Some of these are short, others require more essays. All require more money, approximately $100 each. Once I am done with those then it's just a waiting game to see if I will get called in for interviews.

In the meantime I hope to have a lot more time for my oboe. I miss it. *sniff*

False alarm

2007-06-26T17:59:00.000-04:00

So I ended up not having a lesson after all yesterday. Maybe it was for the best because my nerves are shot in anticipation of my MCAT score tomorrow (they will be posted online at 5PM EST).

Yesterday's plan was to meet my teacher at the Rose Rehearsal Studio in Lincoln Center. She had a rehearsal there and we were supposed to use that space for my lesson once the rehearsal was over. I asked if I could show up early to watch the rehearsal and she said it would be fine. However, when I get there it turned out that they were moved to a very small room with no extra chairs so I was asked to sit outside. That was mostly ok (I'm used to being kicked out I guess) because I sat out there chatting with a nice man, who later turned out to be a Grammy award winning sound engineer. That was my first hint that maybe I was in the wrong place. My I-don't-belong-here senses were tingling. Then a bunch of jazz stars walked out of the room during a short break: Wayne Shorter, John Patitucci, and Danilo Perez. Add to that my teacher's entire group was there too. I was pretty starstruck and starting to get uncomfortable. Add to this that a very wonderful professional string quartet began to rehearse next door. By then I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to feel comfortable enough to play anywhere NEAR there. The last straw was when a well-dressed woman warned us that a board meeting was starting in 20 minutes in the big room (the one the rehearsal was supposed to be in). I was then sure that I could not let the benefactors of Lincoln Center hear my humble oboe playing. Also, the rehearsal showed no signs of being anywhere near over and they all sounded like they were having a great time so I didn't want to ruin if for my teacher. I texted her that I was leaving and started my long trek home - walk to the subway, 2 subway trains to Grand Central Station, MetroNorth train to my town, and station pick-up by nice hubby to drive me home (less than a mile, but I was worn out).

I was quite sad the whole way home because I had been excited about my lesson. But it was fun to be that close to musical geniuses. My, what blessed and glamorous lives! If you can't join them, then at least you can learn from them :-)

Lesson tomorrow

2007-06-24T22:09:00.000-04:00

I have my first lesson in what seems like a long time tomorrow. It may end up being near Lincoln Center as my teacher has a rehearsal there in the afternoon. I don't know how I feel about rehearsing around there. I think I may be embarassed that people will hear me.

I have to bring two reeds in tomorrow. I did work on them this weekend but neither of them is very good. One of them sounds very "honky". I think my tip is too thin all around instead of being slightly thicker in the middle. The other one still has too much cane and isn't doing much. *sigh* The worst thing is that my good reed is starting to die. How sad. I have another one that suddenly started working ok, but the sound on it isn't as good as the sound of my dying reed. How I will miss you, little reed. Too bad that none of the ones I make are good enough yet.

I have been practicing scales, though admitedly not as much as I should have. I will be presenting C and F major tomorrow at the fastest tempo I can play them. The C isn't too bad except that it sounds uneven. The F is hard because I am supposed to go up to high F and I get all bent out of shape with anything higher than the high D.

For repetoire I am to play the first mvt of the Marcello and the little bit of the Mozart that I've been working on. Guess what? For some reason my slow piece of Mozart sounds better than the Marcello that I've been working on for a year now! What is that all about??? Well, I have a theory that it has to do with articulation. My rough tounging is not as much of an issue in the Mozart which calls for some staccato, whereas the Marcello requires a more liquid legato with delicate tonguing. Also I feel that the Marcello needs more dynamic variation and vibrato to make it work, whereas the Mozart tends to get by on innate charm. Let's see what the verdict will be tomorrow!

I couldn't help it

2007-06-15T14:35:00.000-04:00

I got desperate!

Back to the Shed

2007-06-05T22:31:00.000-04:00

I didn't get out of work until after 6 today. The schedule was busy yet we were running quite smoothly despite the "lead" doctor having an in-office upper lid bleph scheduled during the afternoon. But for some reason everything stalled near the end of the day. Maybe we all got tired. Or maybe it was all the darn phone calls coming in. Anyways, at least the weather got better and when I got home I opened the windows and played with the cats for a bit while thinking about wanting to practice. I quickly lost steam as I realized that I was hungry and started preparing dinner.

At 9 o'clock I forced myself to practice. Why does it always have to feel like you're overcoming tremendous inertia in order to start practicing? And the funny thing is that after a few minutes I am always fine and I get into playing. *shrug*

I focused on a few things today:

My recent "breakthrough": I may not have spent as much time playing during those last few MCAT weeks, but I did still think about my oboe a lot. I spent some more time on trying to figure out why I am struggling so much with my embouchure and with taking good breaths (or any at all). After observing several professional oboist (I went to two amazing concerts this weekend!) I saw that they all keep their reeds on the bottom lip when breathing. I've gone over this before with all three of my teachers and they've all said it doesn't particularly matter, but I really am convinced that it is part of my problem. I've been keeping my reed on the top lip and what ends up happening is that I have to reinvent my embouchure each time I breathe. The whole "smiley" thing is coming more from the upper lips. I think that since the reed was up there I was naturally breathing upwards towards it, making my mouth turn back into a smile each time. I reasoned that by putting the reed on the lower lip, the less my mouth will have to readjust each time I take a breath. The theory sounded really good to me because it explained another major issues I am having: reluctance to take breaths. I must have developed this hesitancy as a response to my ever-changing embouchure. "If I don't open my mouth to breathe, my embouchure stays set for longer". I am not sure if I am explaining myself well, but hopefully you all get the picture. Putting my theory into practice turned out to be harder than I expected because my old habit was pretty deeply engrained. But my early efforts are promising. Keeping the reed on the lower lip definitely helps me focus everything downward, preventing the smiley somewhat. With time, I hope this leads to significant improvement in my playing.

I started working on my scales again. Oh the pain! I couldn't find my practice sheet for my C scales so I had to figure out my tempi all over again. She wants me to do sixteeth notes on each beat and wants me to get the C major to about 108 (the tempo of the Mozart). I managed to get to 100 before it broke down (my ring fingers start to lose control). F major didn't go as well. I forgot how hard that high E fingering is for my twisted pinkies. I resisted the urge to get really upset about this because I already went through that whole phase of feeling depressed/handicapped about high fingerings. It will get easier eventually!

The last thing I did was practice those first few bars of the Mozart at 80. I can't get all 16 counts of that high C in there yet though. Holy moly. Will I ever have enough endurance to play that?? I think this is exactly why she assigned it to me. I have no idea if we're really going to get through the entire thing, but just the beginning of the 1st mvt is forcing me to deal with a lot of my improvement areas.

All in all, a decent practice session in the end. Let's hope for several more before my lesson on Saturday!

MCAT hangover

2007-05-30T20:39:00.001-04:00

Hiiiii!! I am done with beast! I wrote all about the gory details and my near breakdown (in hindsight, it was actually kind of funny) the first few minutes on my other blog. I get my scores on June 27th and at this point I am cautiously optimistic. I may not get the scores I want on each individual section but I am hopeful that my cumulative score is still ok.

But enough about the MCAT! Let's talk about oboe.

The final week before the test I was unable to practice at all because I was just not in the right frame of mind. The only way I could stay calm was by thinking about or studying for the test ALL the time. The first few days after I was done, I was just too tired. So I just started practicing again this week.

Thankfully, I don't sound as bad as I had feared. I am having trouble keeping my corners in again and my mouth is getting tired sooner, but my sound didn't regress like I thought it would. My fingers were what took the biggest hit. I feel so darn clumsy right now.

My next lesson will be next Monday so I still have a few days to practice and to make a reed. I will be practicing the first movement of my Marcello and will also start on the Mozart. I think I'll take the first 15 bars or so. I also have to do some long tones and scales.

I don't have much to write yet, but I do hope to spend a lot of time on my oboe this summer. I'll keep you all posted!

On beta blockers

2007-05-18T00:17:00.001-04:00

Thanks for all the comments on that other post, by the way.

I should be reviewing more biology or sleeping but instead I am up thinking about beta blockers, which I guess are at least marginally related to my studies.

The reason I am taking beta-blockers is for a heart condition I developed 4 years ago. I wasn't playing oboe yet and had already quit the sax. I began to notice that everything I did felt like I over-exertion. I frequently felt the "fight or flight" feeling. It began to interfere with my ability to handle everyday tasks. They ruled out things like adrenal gland or pituitary tumors and eventually we realized that for some reason my heart had started beating too quickly all of the time. It was downright scary. As I lay in bed every night with my heart pounding in my chest, I would wonder if I would wake up to see morning. The cardiologists couldn't figure out the WHY, but since the symptoms were severe (and confirmed on various tests, i.e. it was not in my head) they decided to treat the symptoms with the beta blockers. Eventually we got the dosage right and my heart rate is now in the normal range.

I brought up breathing in my post because I have always been a shallow breather. My Dad would yell to me about it as a kid. Sometimes I wonder if the shallow breathing was part of what caused my heart to go haywire in the first place. Maybe all the shallow breathing forced my heart to work harder (or to think it needed to work harder) to get oxygen to all my cells? Hmm. Just my own little theory. Because even with the beta blockers I still tend to hyperventilate when I exert myself. So there may be some respiratory aspect to my condition that is still untreated. And maybe that same thing is causing me all my headaches at my lessons. Or maybe I am just looking for excuses.

When initially prescribed them, I knew nothing about musicians taking beta blockers for anxiety or stress since I was very much in the fringes of the musical world back then (and I guess I still am). So it came as a pleasant surprise to me when a few months into the regimen I realized that I was getting bolder about my harmonies at church. I had been singing in our "choir" for a decade and had NEVER sang solo and was always loathe to get picked up by the microphones. The few times they tried to get me to sing on my own, I got so nervous that my teeth chattered and I broke into cold sweat. I realize now that it was nearly a panic attack. My voice would either come out tiny and quivery or would completely disappear. All of a sudden the person with the good ear became tone deaf and arrythmic. I simply broke down artistically due to the nerves and so always preferred to be in an ensemble where I didn't stand out. I was delighted to finally be able to do the things I wanted to do without the panic. Within a year I was able to finally sing solo at my church. Now I do it all the time. I wish I could say that I grew up and that I overcame my irrational fears. But no, I know NOW that it's just the beta blockers.

So it sounds like on top of the heart thing, and the possible (but improbable) lung thing, I definitely have some anxiety issues. Otherwise the beta blockers wouldn't have "cured" me of my stage fright, right?

All of my oboe playing has been "under the influence" so I know no other way. It's been great to be pretty fearless about my playing. Fearless for me, that is . . . which might not be saying much. Less than a year into playing I got together with respected friends of mine to try to form a woodwind quartet. I can only imagine what I sounded like back then, yet I wasn't really nervous about them hearing me play. If anything, I was excited about it. Then again I think that at that point my passion for the oboe was still so novel that I was just happy to share my love of it with others. I really need to get back to that point. At this point I've overcomplicated things with emotional issues. Playing is not about my love of the instrument so much anymore. I've gotten all worked up about not being "good enough" yet or am too busy whining about not having people to play with. All these feelings play out at my lessons these days I think. But I digress . . .

I wonder, with some degree of fear, what would hapen to my playing if i stopped the medication. If I am a nervous wreck at lessons now, what would happen then? This past Sunday I played the intro to a Mother's Day song at my church. While I warmed up when the church was empty I produced a very nice sound, but when the time came to actually perform I did get nervous and my sound and pitch were both iffy. If I had to go off the beta blockers will I be able to even get through a lesson? As it is I am fighting back tears at most of them. Would I be able to play at all? Or would I completely break down like before, unable to play anything closely resembling music? Scary thought.

Or perhaps, as was suggested, maybe the beta blockers are holding me back in a way. Maybe letting some of the nervous energy back in would help my musicality. Well, we won't know for now because my use of the medication is not really elective so I can't just stop cold turkey. But my doctor did recommend to stop if I conceive (no, I am not trying just yet).

So maybe in the not so far future we'll be able to use me as an experiment. I don't think there are that many other musicians in my situation where they were on beta blockers BEFORE they began to play an instrument. It was a coincidence that I was placed on beta blockers and then years later had to deal with anxiety issues in music. Now I am curious to see what will happen without them. Given my penchant for anxiety, however, I have a feeling that things will just get harder. *sigh*

Now in the meantime if I could just recapture the joy of playing just for the sake of it, then maybe everything will be ok in the end.

Happy Mother's Day!

2007-05-13T10:22:00.000-04:00

Best wishes to the Moms out there who read this. I hope you and your families have a wonderful day.

Latest lessons

2007-05-12T09:35:00.000-04:00

After that one good lesson about a month ago where my teacher told me she wanted me to start learning the Mozart, I've had two not so great lessons.

In fact, I am starting to worry that my lesson habits are starting to get ingrained. I know that part of it is nerves. I think I get a bit starstruck around great oboists and add that to my already high level of anxiety, it makes for a bad situation. Then there is the negative inner dialogue. We ended up spending quite a bit of time addressing this during the last two lessons. I really don't want these lessons to become therapy sessions again, so I have to put an end to this behavior ASAP. Once my MCAT is over (13 more days!! *gulp*) I hope to read some of the books I have on this.

The other issue that is coming up and driving me nuts is my breathing. Remember how I am on beta blockers because my heart beats too fast? I have often wondered if there is a respiratory element to my mystery ailment. My husband and I have both noticed that I seem to hold my breath a lot and that when I do breathe I breathe extremely shallowly. So I am coming into this picture with yet another disadvantage. My teacher feels that this, more than anything, is what is keeping my playing from being where it could be right now. She doesn't think it's my not-always-consistent embouchure, my messy fingers, or anything else. She feels that my improper use of air is the number one weak area at this point. I need to take in a lot more air, a lot more often, and then once I do I need to use it better, to make it warmer and faster and to play through my phrases. I think she's probably right about this because when I hear recordings of myself I realize that certain elements are ok, but that that my playing sounds disjointed. My phrasing is cut off because I interrupt the air stream when I shouldn't.

I guess I should be happy that even though my embouchure is STILL not perfect and that my fingers are messy, that I can still play. But then again, this whole breathing thing is so basic that I am having an extremely difficult time retraining myself.

With my test coming up, I think my aim is just to practice every day, perhaps for only 30 minutes. Rather than focus on the music I am playing I am going to try to focus on my two problem areas. For one week I will play whatever (scales, long tones, random music) and focus only on eliminating negative inner dialogue. I will only allow myself to critique my playing at designated times during the practice. I will also try to allow myself to think of what is going well more often. Perhaps that will help my brain reinforce the good things. Because what's happening at lessons is that I will be playing mostly ok, my teacher notices something that is off, then when I play the phrase again I focus so much on the wrong area that the other good things disappear. This is happening pretty consistently and we're both worried about that. I have to find a way to stop the mind games. Once I get rid of (or at least tone down) the "I suck" voices, I will then focus on breathing. Hopefully taking good breaths will become natural at some point and then once I learn to have all that air inside I can figure out how to best use it.

The good news is that it wasn't all bad. My teacher was really excited about my sound during my scales. By the way, she has me playing them as sixteenth notes now and I have to try to play them as fast as possible. Some of them I am playing at quarter note = 100, which is twice as fast as I was playing them a few months ago when I was doing eighths at that same speed. I guess that's progress. Especially since I am intimidated by fast playing.

Among the crappy parts, some parts of the Marcello (we're back to the 1st mvt) actually sounded really good. She was happy about how much it has improved since I started it. That made me happy :-)

I may not be able to post again until after my test. Please pray that I do well because I REALLY don't want to have to retake this and am desperately looking forward to the summer and to being able to devote myself to my oboe as much as I want to.

Play-In on Saturday

2007-04-25T18:34:00.000-04:00

The MCAT is exactly a month away. It feels surreal in a way. I have dreaded taking this test for nearly 15 years and can't believe that it is coming up so soon. Let's hope that I can provide the final push I need to get me there and get me a decent score.

I am supposed to be taking full-length practice exams each weekend but am taking a break this Saturday in order to participate in a local "play-in". Here's part of an email I got earlier this week:

Hi fellow ACMP enthusiasts.

I have been an active local ACMP participant for over 20 years.
I've played with some of you and been in touch with quite a few
of you over time.  A few months ago I began working at the
Music Conservatory of Westchester, and I think it is a wonderful
resource for us. Recognizing the possibilities, we have set up
a Free Play-In for Saturday April 28 from 1PM-4PM.

Features for the day are:
MEET AND GREET for ACMP members and their friends (coffee and
cake will be served).

FREE PLAY-IN in our acoustically excellent 120-seat recital hall
and other fully equipped rehearsal rooms.

WE PLAY TOO. Meet, talk and play with MCW Staff.

DISCOVER what the Conservatory can offer you.

As stressed as I am about the MCAT I'm wanting it to come and go already so that I can go back to enjoying my music. I plan for this to be the "SummerO'Music". I want to play as much and with as many people as I can. So it was interesting timing to get this email this week. I am trying hard not to expect too much (I've been let down so many times before). But maybe, just maybe, I will come out of this with some good contacts and the possibility of an ensemble. That would make my life just perfect! I am willing to exhaust all my resources to find myself a group by the end of the summer, but it would be great if it happens this quickly. Well, at least they'll have free cake if all else fails.

If this play-in thing doesn't work out then I will try the following, in that order:
(1) Look into local summer music programs at music schools and community colleges.
(2) Look into such programs in other areas of the country.
(3) Call up my musician friends and try to get them motivated again.
(4) Call random people from the ACMP directory.
(5) Cry.

Hopefully I will find a group before getting to option 5.

Oh. My. God.

2007-04-21T00:06:00.000-04:00

Today was a really nutty day. In total I rode on 6 subway trains and 1 bus and walked maybe 2 miles. I studied MCAT physics for about 5 hours and printed out 100 pages of new review questions. I had lunch with a good friend and chatted with my mom on the phone briefly. Oh, and I bumped into my ex-boyfriend whom I hadn't seen in 10 years.

Talk about being tired for a lesson. I got to my teacher's new house (she moved while I was on vacation) nearly panting. This was my first lesson in over a month! A few weeks ago I was dreading going back because I felt so out of shape and had no good reeds, but as the days got closer I was just excited to see her again and get some help getting back in gear.

Earlier this week she sent me a new exercise via email. I was to set the metronome at 110 and play two octaves of the C major scale up and down twice. Slurred. In sixteeth notes. At first I thought I read it wrong because when I got home and turned on the metronome I was shocked by how quickly I was supposed to be playing the notes. I even called her to verify it and she confirmed that I was to play 4 notes per beat. Woah. After laughing about it for a few minutes I gave it a try. I couldn't quite get to 110, but I managed to sort of get it at 100. Oh, and I forgot the best part! After I did this slurred I was then to try it doing two notes slurred two tongued. Boy did that up the ante. While I was able to kind of get it slurred, doing it with the more complex articulation was a nearly impossible challenge. A few days later it was still pretty messy but every once in a while I was able to do it for a few beats at a time.

I also forgot to mention that in my rush to get out of the house this morning I left my Marcello music at home. DOH! But maybe it turned out for the best because we ended up just working on the C scale exercise. This time she did it with me a bit and then left me alone and I think this had a HUGE effect in calming my nerves. Normally I do a LOT of nervous talking in my lessons but today I did almost none. I basically played the entire hour! Another thing which prevented the chatter was that she had the metronome set at 110 and would give me a count of 4 for me to pull myself together and take a good breath and then I had to just start playing. It was weird at first and I fought the urge to talk or otherwise waste time, but then I realized how much more productive I was. In short, this was probably my best lesson ever! I ended up playing something I thought impossible just a few days ago. By the end of the session even the "articulated" version of the exercise sounded decently good. I couldn't believe I was playing that. And it sounded a lot more musical than I expected. Maybe the reed she gave me helped. Gosh, it's so nice to have a good reed for a change!!

Soooo, get this. After we're done she asks me why I think she gave me that exercise. I rattle off a few things including breathing, dexterity, tonguing, etc. They were all good things but that was not why she assigned me that. She wants me to start a new piece . . . the Mozart oboe concerto!!!!!!!!! Oh. My. God. I was so flattered that she thought I was ready for this. Woah. I still can't believe it.

Does that mean I am at least a little bit uber now???

YAY!!! I am so happy and remotivated now. I just had to share this with you all.

Thanks John Picarello

2007-04-13T11:59:00.000-04:00

I took a few minutes to read Patty's blog and saw her link to the Joshua Bell experiment. This is very disheartening but I am not surprised at all. I could write a lot about this topic because I feel it has affected my life personally. It's as though every day I am faced by this "decay". But, alas, I don't have time to write about it all and it might be a bit insensitive or cynical. So instead I will focus on my favorite quote from the article.

I absolutely loved Mr. John Picarello's quote:

If you love something but choose not to do it professionally, it's not a waste. Because, you know, you still have it. You have it forever.

That, my friends, captures the essence of how I feel about my (lack of) musical career right at this moment. It's VERY difficult for me to devote so much time to my real career while ignoring the music. I find myself pining for a life where I don't have to worry about money and can go get that adult diploma at Mannes School of Music and maybe never get a real gig but get pretty good at my instrument and play all the music I want to play. I guess I'm still holding on to that dream (in case I win the lottery or something), but for now Mr. Picarello's words made me feel at peace.

to reed or not to reed

2007-03-19T13:36:00.000-04:00

So far all three teachers that I've interacted with have insisted that making reeds is an essential part of becoming an oboist. I never thought to question this until recently when I found myself giving up precious practice time for scraping. As I sat there struggling with my never-quite-sharp-enough knives, I started to wonder whether this was really so pertinent to my musical development. I should also mention that one of my readers planted the seed in me when she revealed that she buys her reeds yet is still a successful oboist.

All this has become more pertinent as I have been contemplating medical school more seriously lately. I am determined to make this work and to continue my oboe studies, but I am well aware that there are only so many hours in a day. While I do think it's possible to find time to play, time to make reeds is only going to become scarser and scarser. This threw me into a panic because I feared it would mean the end of my oboist dreams. But now I have hope that even if I never become a master reed maker I could nevertheless become a good oboist.

So two weeks ago I tried talking to my teacher about this. It's not that I want to give up on reeds entirely, I just feel that I need to go on hiatus until I'm done with the MCAT (so that I don't have to sacrifice playing time to scrape again). Unfortunately, she didn't entirely agree with my plan. She feels that I need to learn how to make reeds first and then at that point I can decide whether or not I will pursue it ongoing or move on to ready-made reeds. I see her point but I am just feeling quite stressed right now and I don't think that this is conducive to reed making anyway.

Patty suggested that next time I tell her instead of ask her about the hiatus. I think I will try that once I get back from my vacation. Since I decided against taking my oboe on the cruise it's going to take me a while to get back into shape and in a way it will be like a new beginning.

By the way, I'm going on the Norweigan Spirit cruise leaving from NYC this Saturday. I'll be back in April and will hopefully chronicle my adventures in getting back into shape :-p I'm trying to convince my husband to buy me that thing where you can dictate and the computer types things out for you. This may help solve my blog blues.

Have a wonderful rest of the month! *hugs*

2 good lessons

2007-02-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

Still here in oboe student land . . . and I think I've finally turned another corner. I realize now, in hindsight, that I've been frustrated over that lesson I had late December. You know, the one that turned into a psychotherapy session about why I've been holding on to the wrong embouchure and why I feel a need to do it that way. I'm just an old ex-saxophonist with bad habits is all I think it is. As a result I've been beating myself up and punishing myself by not focusing on my Marcello.

I've gone back and forth about whether it's best to put off all music until I perfect the embouchure or whether one is better served by learning through the music. I think the latter is best as long as you have someone who is guiding you well. You don't want to be at one end of the spectrum where you're doing only music, and reach pieces at that. But the other end of the spectrum where you do only long tones most of the time isn't that much better because most students will end up getting frustrated and discouraged way before they reap the rewards of that. As with most things there exists a happy medium. I've already tried cutting back to mostly long tones several times but the moment I start playing many notes, the corners tend to creep back up. This tells me that in order to really master this I am going to have to figure out a way to do this while playing. I believe the answer is probably through playing the music at a slow enough tempo where I still have control.

While at church yesterday it dawned on me that one of the difficult things about being an adult student is concentration. I remembered a time where I would sit at church and concentrate completely on the service and on prayer. It was that peaceful feeling that drew me to church in the first place. Yesterday instead of being fully alert I had an inner dialogue going on about pure BS. It's as though you can't stop for a single second. If I were to somehow channel the past and concentrate like before, I would probably get a LOT more out of my practice sessions.

In spite of all this, my past two lessons with T have been quite productive. I am doing a lot less of the nervous talking and more playing. The main thing that I need to work on is breathing and how I am using my air. I am sounding very mechanical and boring on the 3rd mvt of the Marcello because I am stopping the air flow between each of the staccato notes. I am having a difficult time combining all the aspects of playing in a seamless way. If I focus on articulation, I forget to breathe well. If I focus on air, I tend to start biting. If I focus on dynamics, my fingering gets messy.

I am coming to peace with all these challenges. The oboe is not supposed to be easy anyway. I think (HOPE) that all of these things are normal hurdles. And that as long as I keep at it, I will slowly make progress.

Need to find my path again

2007-02-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! I hope that the new year is treating you well.

Though I haven't been writing as much as I'd like I do think about my blog on nearly a daily basis. I spend time thinking of posts that I would like to post, but never seem to get around to actually typing them. *sigh*

I'm afraid that things have been going slowly for me and Luna the past month. That's part of why I've been reluctant to post. I wish I could be saying that I can play the Schumann Romances now, but alas, I am still working on my Marcello. None of it is really ready yet, but I have recently started working on the third movement at half speed. By the way, what is the average amount of time that people spend on any given piece?

This past month has been my absolute worse in terms of practicing. I have been struggling majorly to practice every day. I never had this problem before. Yeah, I did procrastinate but I'd eventually get it done. Now I am taking off way more days than I'd like to. I fear that other things are distracting me from my oboe studies. Hopefully I can get back on track soon. I've had two decent practices in a row last night and tonight. If I can manage to do a few more consecutively then perhaps I can fall back into my previous rhythm.

I think that part of my problem is that I am still unhappy about my embouchure and sound production. Try as I may I can be consistent about it. My corners tend to creep up when I'm tired or too concentrated on difficult music. A part of me doesn't want to allow me to play anything fun until I GET the embouchure. Another part of me feels this is unreasonable and feels that I should continue to play music and have faith that eventually all the pieces will start to fall together. Isn't that how kids learn anyway? No child would play an instrument if they were only allowed to do long tones and slow scales for YEARS until the embouchure was perfected. Am I right or wrong about this?

I guess it's just frustrating because I am pretty sure that my sound has taking a few steps back while other aspects of my playing improved somewhat. It's tough to take a hit in the sound department since that is the whole reason I am playing this instrument. I am trying to re-commit myself to my practice because only through that will my sound get back on track. And once that happens I can give all of myself to practicing my music. Right now my Marcello feels like a guilty pleasure and I think I am holding back and purposely not studying as well as I could/should.

Any thoughts?

Still here

2007-01-10T22:34:00.001-05:00

I got my yearly cold very early this year. It started on January 2nd and lasted 8 days. Today is the first day that I feel totally well again. Needless to say I didn't practice every day last week and am now trying to get back into shape. *sigh* My teacher was very nice about my having to cancel last week's lesson. She said I shouldn't feel down because of not being able to practice while sick. She said that even professionals have periods like that and all you do is just work yourself back up to it. No one is always "on". Everyone goes through rough spots. Well, she didn't say it in those words, but however she said it it calmed me down. It's so hard to stay patient. Losing all those days and falling behind hurts when you want to be playing so much better than you do. But she's right, all I can do is start moving forward again. Even if I did take a few steps back.

By the way, those high fingerings are making me feel like a complete newb! Could they have made them any harder???? Maybe we should play with our toes too. Sheesh.

It's a psychological struggle every day with these notes. I've never felt clumsier in my entire life! Part of me feels like I will NEVER be able to play these notes. It's especially hard to press two keys at once (see high E) with my twisted pinkies. I should take a picture of them for you. I was born with VERY twisted pinkies. This is not a huge problem on my right hand but it's very taxing on the left, given all the keys that that pinky is supposed to control. Maybe I should get them operated. Oh well, more on that later. I'm going to go play WoW now.

2007 Meme

2007-01-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to everyone! May your lives be full of blessings this year and always.

New Year's Meme

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Assisted on a surgery.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I kept most of them, sort of. Let's just say that most of my resolutions are "in progress". I am hopeful that things will move along further this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my friend Alcira had a baby girl

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. I haven't been away anywhere since 2004.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More discipline to do what needs to get done, primarily practice, study, work out, and keep the house clean.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Yikes, the only one standing out right now is August 25th. That's when my mother-in-law went back to DR and when my kittens were born. Oh we also went to Shea Stadium for the first time that night and had a ton of fun.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing the post-bacc premed program at Columbia with a pretty decent average.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making it into the Wind Ensemble.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick for the entire month of March with some VERY nasty conjunctivitis, the flu, sore throat, and stomach problems.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
TiVO!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband. He's really stepped up to the plate to help me with things around the house and with bills/paperwork.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Dad for being reckless like always. Mom for not sticking up for herself. My brother for making himself a victim and not working on improving his life. Though I must mention that he did also have a major achievement in 2006, one that will allow him to get his Associates this June.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The mortgage.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new oboe teacher, participating in the pit orchestra for that musical, booking our upcoming vacation, TiVo, and my new iPod.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) a tiny bit sadder because I miss some people who are gone or are soon to be gone
b) 2 lbs lighter. I reached 10% of my goal. LOL!
c) technically richer because I'm working again but my salary sucks

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise. Practice. Read. Pray.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Cook and clean. Gotten angry. Procrastinated.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
In 2007? Who knows? Maybe I'll be more into it this year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes, with my new kittens. I'm already in love with my husband JC and my oboe.

22. How many one-night stands?
None. Ever. I feel so deprived.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try not to have hate in my heart. That being said, several people annoyed the heck out of me last year and will likely continue to do so into 2007.

25. What was the best book you read?
Yikes. I am embarrassed to admit what I read this year.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quartetto Gelato (thanks Patty!)

27. What did you want and get?
An iPod (sorry, Terminal)

28. What did you want and not get?
An English Horn. *sniff sniff*

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
X-Men, the Last Stand

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday was the most low-key ever. I turned 32.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting into a musical group.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Tried to look a bit more well put together. Less t-shirts and more tailored blouses.

33. What kept you sane?
My oboe.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Eric Bana is still my man. Though Hugh Jackman and Patrick Dempsey did it for me too this year.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Don't really want to go there.

36. Who did you miss?
My mommy who's now living in another country.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Dr. Singh and Yobany at work.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
It's not about waiting to figure out what the "best" decision could be. It's about taking control of your live and just living it.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"And I think to myself . . . what a wonderful world . . ."

In 2007:
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Only if I decide not to pursue medical school.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Nope.

3. New house?
No, we just refinanced.

4. What will you do different in 07?
Exercise, practice, and study more. I will need to keep better tabs on my time.

5. New Years resolution?
See #4.

6. What will you not be doing in 07?
The baby thing is still up in the air and looks unlikely right now. But things can change.

7. Any trips planned?
Hell yeah!! Another Caribbean cruise. This one will be Eastern Caribbean and we'll be leaving from NYC. I also hope to make the IDRS conference. There is a possible trip to PA to meet some online gaming friends, another possible trip to NC to meet a church friend who relocated, and perhaps a trip to GA for my sister-in-law's Airborne training graduation. Oh, and I might have to pick up my Mom in DR. And there's always that San Fran trip I keep meaning to take.

8. Wedding plans?
My good friend Luisa is getting married in October.

9. Major thing on your calendar?
The MCAT on May 25th!

10. What can't you wait for?
Getting closer to my ideal weight
Playing oboe in a group on a regular basis
Finally deciding either to apply to med school or to definitely give it up

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
For me to get less involved in other peoples' problems

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
See #11. I hope to become more disciplined. It's the only way I will come close to having it all.

13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen?
My brother passed the CPE! (I really hope he doesn't read this blog anymore.)

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
If possible, yes.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06?
If I lose this weight I will. My husband has been warned already!

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
Drinking is not an important part of my life. I drink a glass of wine a month on average.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
Actually, I mean to distance myself a bit from the parents. We need to stop trying to solve all of their problems. It would be nice if we could but it's too much pressure and a bit unfair to us. We'll love them just the same though. In terms of the other relatives I just hope I have more time to spend with them.

18. Will you do charity work?
Hopefully.

19. Will you go to bars?
Perhaps for our rock music gigs. Or for a friend's birthday.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I always am (even though I'm a New Yorker)

21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
I'm very hopeful; I feel that things are moving in the right direction now.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I'm a bit more stressed out now but I feel more satisfied because I am doing less and less things I don't want to be doing.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
It's a possibility which depends on several other things. . .

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I sure hope so!

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Nothing major.

26. Will you be moving?
Not yet.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06?
That I don't lose any weight. That my career plans go stale.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I'm going to party like it's 1999. Maybe next year we will go to one of those pre-organized parties I keep meaning to go to.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Yes, *smoooch*

30. One wish for 07?
For the powers that be to take global warming more seriously. For me to make a definitive career decision. And for me to get into a musical group. Oh wait, that was three wishes.

Wisdom gained

2006-12-22T09:11:00.000-05:00

I had a good lesson with J Wednesday evening. The first thing we did was go over reed tying. I had started loosening up on the tension and my reeds were turning out somewhat loose. This was causing problems with overtying to compensate and with leakage. We also reviewed knife sharpening on a block (as opposed to ceramic sticks) and I got some lingering scraping questions answered.

After that we spent time on embouchure. I've had ongoing issues with this (which I'm sure has been somewhat frustrating for my teachers). We ended up having a nice conversation about what my motivations for reverting back to a wrong embouchure could be. For some reason I was spending a lot of time "readying" my embouchure before even putting the reed in my mouth to play. J helped me understand that the embouchure doesn't really begin until we start playing and that all those readying efforts are a waste of energy and tend to make me overly nervous. She made me see that it's ok if the note is not perfect from the get-go, that that's why we want flexibility in our embouchures so that we can adjust it. She also helped me see that my ears are perfectly capable of discerning whether the note is sounding well or not. This may all sound subtle or obvious but it's actually a paradigm shift in my playing. I had been in "helpless" mode where once a note was sounding I judged it as good or bad but didn't really think of it as mutable. If reeds were acting up some day and things were sounding bad I would think "oh poor me" rather than "what can I do to make this better". I feel that this is going to help me tremendously with my line problem because now I will think of my playing as dynamic. Rather than be a passive process where the music happens to me and the instrument is controlling me, I want to be the "driver of the bus" as J says. These insights came at the perfect time because as I mentioned before control will be the theme of my third year of oboe study. Before I had only a vague notion of what this would mean. Slowly it's becoming clearer.

The final subject we talked about was vibrato. We only talked about it a little bit. She reiterated the exercise she had given me the last time and explained that while I may be doing vibrato now without it, it will help me gain control of my vibrato. There's that word again! I just hope it all clicks some day.

********

So, I've been having issues with rushing my practice sessions. I suspect that this may be a common problem for adult amateurs. Now that I am over the stage where I wasn't producing sound consistently and am able to bungle through music, I tend to just want to only play "real" stuff. Gone are the days where I would patiently spend an hour on just long tones and slow scales. Now I do a few long tones and some fast but sloppy scales and then start playing music. This is exactly what I didn't want to do, but here I am doing this almost on a daily basis. Part of why I wanted a method book is that they have little etudes which are somewhat satisfying to play but also deal with technical issues.

I realized that the solution is not to revert back to only long tones and play no music at all. What I really need to do, and should have done a while back, is double my daily practice time. I have the endurance to do it now. And a lot of days I have the motivation too. I've just been too disorganized and lazy to get it to work. This morning I tried something I hadn't done in a few months: I practiced in the morning. My morning practice session turned out to be an hour long and I did long tones and slow scales exclusively. Contrary to the weary feeling this gives me in the evening, it actually felt quite good first thing in the morning. It helped me wake up! And my E major scale was all the better for it.

Now when I get home I can look forward to a second practice session which will be all "real" playing. Rather than procrastinate until 10PM when I am too tired I think I will want to jump right into it because I perceive that type of practice as not being drudgery. Woohoo! I think this might work. As long as I can get up at 7AM ...

I've recruited my husband to help me with this because I really feel strongly that this is the only way that I will continue to progress. An hour a day is not enough anymore. My progress has slowed to a crawl and I'm just not addressing all the issues I need to address on a daily basis. I'll let you all know how it's going.

In case I don't have time to write again this weekend: I want to wish everyone all the best for the holidays! *hugs*

Sound?

2006-12-20T01:24:00.000-05:00

I found a link to this article about Liang Wang on the Oboe Bboard. The article was interesting and is indeed useful to share with others who don't understand our plight. What intrigued me more about the link was that there was a sound sample of the Marcello oboe concerto. When I clicked it on I was glad to hear the opening chords of the second movement as this is the one I've been working on.

I must admit that his sound wasn't what I was expecting. Just this week I was reading a thread on those oboe boards about the American sound and how it's gone in a wrong direction, blah blah blah. After hearing the clip I am starting to wonder if maybe some of those comments were right. I certainly don't want to put him down as I could only hope to play a fraction of how well he plays. But there is something off about the sound. Maybe it's the recording, but it did seem a bit clarinety to me. Nothing wrong with the clarinet of course, but this is supposed to be an oboe. Overall the performance was good but the sound did seem to lack some of the ring I was expecting. Or maybe there's something weird with the vibrato. Or was it the interpretation? Is he phrasing oddly or ending phrases abruptly or something? I can't quite put my finger on why I wasn't more impressed with the sound. Gosh, I hope I'm not talking out of my @ss.

Here's a link to the oboe sound gallery. I'd be curious to know which are regarded as most beautiful and which are regarded just good by other people (all oboes are at least good mwahahah). Compare Wang's version to De Lancie's. The latter is hauntingly beautiful and powerful to me. The Robin Williams version made me chuckle, though I guess it's probably the most historically accurate. It's like a dress with way too much lace. If I ever have time I'd like to look into all those clips some more and figure out which are my favorite, etc.

I don't mean this all to be a rant, I just want to understand what's going on so that I can learn from it and apply it to my own, very VERY humble, playing.

Recap

2006-12-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

Now I'm officially on gig hangover. That's the part of it that really sucks. One of my first thoughts right when we ended the final performance was "when will I get another gig like this again?" It was so great to play in a group. In fact, this whole experience got me thinking about that in general. Why is it so fulfilling for me to play in ensembles? I mean, I play a pretty "showy" instrument in that there is a decent sized solo repertoire and even in an orchestral setting there is a chance for one to stand out in solos. I remember that when I first started playing oboe that was one of the things that worried me. Initially I was ONLY about the whole ensemble thing. And even now it's still what makes me happiest. I suspect that after always feeling like an outsider everywhere it is especially wonderful to be a part of something bigger and feel like I actually belong. But the cool thing that I am noticing as time goes on is that my instrument has such a unique sound that it tends to stand out even when it's blending in. Kind of like me. Even though I can mingle and socialize just fine, I am always very different from the crowd. In a good way, I hope. As I continue to grow I am a tiny bit less scared of the soloing aspect. I was pretty stressed right before my solos but I have to admit that I was also excited to be heard. Speaking of which, I might have some very low quality (and possibly illegal) sound clips from one of the performances. If I can clean them up some I might be able to share them.

So here's a recap on the performances:

Opening Night: This was by far the most nerve-wracking performance. Everyone in the cast and even some of the musicians were very nervous. I had to keep thinking to myself that this was just like any other rehearsal. Looking out into the audience would make my heart flutter. We ended up being placed on one side of the audience, below the stage. We weren't hidden like in a real pit but at least the audience was not facing us directly. They had to turn their heads to look at us. I never looked anywhere but at my music while I was playing but during my breaks I would look out. Every once in a while an audience member would look at us for a while. So I can only imagine that some were staring during my solos. Eep! J made two new reeds for me and I ended up playing on the better one of those two. It was somewhat hard and I felt that I was loud, but apparently the sound people made everything sound balanced. The nice thing about the stout reed was that it responded well on my fake EH solo (the high pressure one). The lyrical solos came out ok but not great.

Saturday afternoon performance: Is there some kind of bad luck with middle performances? I woke up to find that neither of the two new reeds sounded good. The sound seemed very honky to me. My sister-in-law and her new boyfriend came out for this performance and he started falling asleep a few minutes into it! They ended up leaving after intermission. This turned out to be good because I had some major drama going on second act. During intermission I played around with the reeds some more, trying to get them to soften up. Things seemed to be going ok but during my favorite fast tune I started noticing issues with my higher register. An entire section ended up sounding an octave lower. At that point I wasn't sure what was going on and I ended up swabbing before the next fast number. That one started out ok but then I noticed that certain higher notes were not sounding right at all. For a second I panicked and thought that perhaps the oboe had broken! I look at the page and see that a perky solo is coming up. I swab again semi frantically and go in for a few notes but something was still wrong. The good thing was that instead of a weird different note I was now getting a more familiar gurgling sound. Water in a hole! I quickly thought. I busted out my cigarette paper with only about 10 measures to go before my solo. There was nothing in any of the usual culprits and I almost started panicking again but then I had a Zen moment and realized that it had to be in the tiny octave key. Sure enough the darn thing was a mess. I managed to clean it up with just enough time to play my solo. *phew* The rest of the performance was less eventful. I was pretty proud that not only did I figure out the problem but I managed to remain relatively calm (at least on the outside) throughout the ordeal.

Saturday evening: I had a long break in between and tested all of my reeds once again. For this performance I used the new one for fast numbers and was able to get an older one to work for me for the slower numbers. The softer reed had been playing very sharp before which was why I had ignored it but for some reason the intonation was fine on Saturday. I was glad to have this reed because it allowed me to play around with the dynamics (at least as much as I am capable of at this point). So all in all, this was the best performance for me. Oh, and the trumpet players went all out at the end which is always fun (albeit painful) to listen to.

I will miss the Merrily "orchetra" but have good memories of my "official" debut. In a way I am glad to be able to refocus on my own stuff for now. I didn't play Marcello at all last week nor my scales. Last night I was able to spend time on long tones again and I was actually happy about that for a change. I'm hoping for some more of the same tonight.

A picture is worth a thousand words

2006-12-09T01:04:00.000-05:00

Oooo, it's past midnight. That means that it is now officially my 2nd year oboe anniversary!!!! I'd just like to take this moment to thank God for the oboe. Two years later and I am still as marveled by it as the first day. I always find it difficult to put my very strong feelings about this into words. Lately I've been comparing these feelings to a nova. Hopefully some day I will be able to express this all through my playing and thus share some of this bliss with others.

For now I just want to share a picture of me and Luna in the pit:

Big

I couldn't have asked for a better present on this occasion than to be in an ensemble playing genuine oboe parts. I'm taking this as an auspicious sign. Hugs and kisses to you all!

In the pit

2006-12-01T09:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm still not sure if we'll be literally in a pit, but I am definitely officially a member of the "Merrily Orchestra". *bows deeply*

Last night was our fourth rehearsal out of 5 total. The very first one last Monday went pretty well. I didn't feel very nervous because I figured that they weren't expecting perfection anyway. Driving into the City for my second rehearsal, however, I was a lot more nervous. I had had the music for 3 days and could no longer play the "oops, this is my first reading" card. Luckily, my slow solos are technically easy so I wasn't nervous for those. Well, maybe just a tad nervous on some high hard-to-tune notes. But really the only nerve wracking part is near the end of Act 1 where I am playing a witty little EH solo (on oboe). I messed it up the first time and wanted to make sure it came out correctly. I'm all alone (besides the rhythm section) and the timing has to be perfect with the singers. Oh, and the piano and bass are quite syncopated and I have to tune them out in order to stay on time. Oh, and there is one 6/4 measure thrown in when the rest of it is in 4/4 cut time. It's only 7 measures long but those are the longest seconds ever. By the time I finish my heart is pounding. I've managed to not mess up the notes but even last night one of the directors still wasn't happy with my phrasing. I'll work on it some more tonight.

My favorite pieces to play are the one song that's in 3, just because it's funny and the bass line cracks me up, and the last slow piece of the play because I have a pretty solo which I get to play multiple times.

Even if they never call me back again to do this sort of thing, I am very grateful to have this opportunity now because I am learning quite a lot. For example:

* The absolute most difficult part of this has nothing to do with intonation, sight-reading, or even endurance. What's killing me is dynamics. I never thought of the oboe as being particularly loud, especially after my latest gigs, but if I am not being careful I feel that I stand out too much. Maybe it's a timbre thing too I guess. Obviously if the three trumpets and trombone and the 3 saxes are playing, I get lost, but when it's just reeds I have to work VERY hard to blend in.
* Related to the above is the whole "quiet entrance" phenomenon. NOW I FINALLY understand what other oboists are talking about when they complain about this. I am not playing in every song and sometimes my breaks are a few minutes long. Why then do I have to come in pianissimo on some low note?? Have they any idea how hard that is to do? Especially when you haven't played on your reed for a while and it has dried out. You (or at least I) have NO clue what the thing is going to sound like.
* Clarinets and flutes can play very very very softly. *boggle*
* Thank God I have been working on scales with more than 3 accidentals. These folks love B-flat and B major.

All in all, it's really turning out to be a fun experience. Our last full run through is tomorrow and then we perform Friday evening and Saturday afternoon and evening. I'm not sure if I already mentioned this, but Saturday will be my 2 year oboe anniversary. I feel that it's a good sign that I will be performing on that day. Though I have played a few times at church functions with the oboe these upcoming performances are my first "real" ones (i.e. it wasn't my friends who just let me play for fun). And potentially the audience may be quite large and may include other musicians. *gulp* No matter, I will try not to let nerves get in the way and will simply think of it as celebrating the anniversary of my best decision ever.

Moment Musicale

2006-11-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

Check out this email I got today:

Hi Hilda --

My name is XYZ; I am co-musical directing "Merrily We Roll Along", a full-length musical written by Stephen Sondheim going up in Lerner Auditorium December 8 and 9. We are looking for musicians to play the Reed 3 part, written for clarinet, english horn, oboe and tenor. If you would be interested in playing oboe and any of those other instruments that you might play that would be fantastic. We are getting close to show time and are still very short on pit musicians.

More information is below; let me know if you're interested.

I am excited, but scared that I'm not good enough. I can only go for oboe because I am too rusty on sax and it would mess up my oboe embouchure.

Control

2006-11-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

In a little less than 3 weeks I will have been playing the oboe for 2 years. Can you believe it? I certainly can't. Because I can no longer imagine my life without the oboe, it feels as though I have been playing a lot longer. However, some days when I am working mostly on only "basic" stuff I feel as though I am still very much a beginner. I think that the reality is that I am somewhere in between; it's probably safe to say that I am firmly entrenched in the "intermediate" category. Considering the reputation my instrument has for being difficult, I guess I've progressed well in 2 years' time. What's even better is that I am still completely in love with the oboe. Even more so than before if that's possible. I have my moments where I feel discouraged, but all I have to do is listen to a few recordings and I am reinspired and re-energized. Hearing the oboe or EH still puts a huge smile on my face and makes my eyes well up. Every day I thank God for it because it has changed my life for the better forever.

I realized over the course of the last week that this upcoming year's theme will be control. At this point I have at least touched on all the basics. The goal now will be to gain control of them so that I am in control of my playing. I have to get to the point where I know what will be coming out of my instrument at all times. Right now I may try to play pp, but it might turn out a little louder than expected. Or I may get no sound at all. I spent a lot of this past year on my intonation so that major area is my best one. This coming year I need to spend more time on breathing/air flow, vibrato, sound, and dynamics. Oh, and reed making of course. At least I am starting to see some progress with the reeds. The one I took into my lesson yesterday was my best looking reed yet. She had to work on it some but they are turning out better and better. I took a picture of my new reed corner and will share it with you once I get it to the computer. I'm convinced that creating a comfortable place for me to work on reeds at is part of what's helping me improve.

I am excited about this coming year because I think that at the end of it I will finally be making some really beautiful music. At that point, hopefully I can really start to work on the repertoire, both etudes and solo pieces. Maybe at some point next year I will finally find a nice group to play regularly with.

Speaking of which, my bassoonist friend called me recently and is interested in restarting the quartet. I don't want to get up my hopes too much, but so far this has been the only group I've been happy in (aside from my duet buddies). Apparently he has a project with a Brazilian singer where we'd be accompanying her on some Villa-Lobos music. I think that means it will be hard! We might also prepare some more modern quartet pieces. I'll rejoice about it when it actually happens.

For now I guess I have to put up with well-meaning but clueless arrangers. My husband got invited to a church concert by an ambitious arranger. He even wrote in some parts for oboe. But then he forgot to show up to the rehearsal last week. And the papers are a mess. The rehearsal was another complete fiasco. The concert is this coming Saturday. I am not sure if I will bother participating or not because at this point it will probably end up just being my husband on piano. All the brass and wind players were very discouraged and will probably not show up to the concert.

I have another lead on a possible group, but have to look into it first.

The good thing is that tomorrow I meet up with my new duet buddy. We were supposed to be a trio but that didn't work out. I should get to play some more EH again tomorrow. WOOOOOT! I came *this* close to buying a Fox EH that a friend of J's was selling. But then I decided to hold off because I really didn't want to use up my entire savings and because I figured I should just keep focusing on oboe for now. I'll have one soon enough :-)

Chinny Chin Chin

2006-11-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

My last lesson went reasonably well. My reed wasn't as good as the one from last week; she had to work on it a lot longer. But it turned out ok at the end. Again, not great enough to play with others (not that I am doing that anyway) but good enough to use at home for practice.

I'm happy to report that she did notice improvement with the long tone/dynamics exercise. I was able to produce the different dynamics on demand (pp, mf, f, ff). She upped the ante by asking me to go from ff to pp on the same note. I wasn't able to control my air flow well enough and the sound ended up stopping. So that's one thing I will need to work on for this coming week. Also, my vibrato has taken a nosedive. The problem is that when I try to work the vibrato in, I tend to get louder. There are just so many things to think about! Well this week I need to try to figure out how to work the vibrato in without the dynamics changing. I also need to work a bit more on not going sharp with the fortisimos. More reed rolling exercise for me.

My teacher was quite happy with the slow movement of the Marcello. She said that the intonation was great and she liked my dynamics. I've also improved in terms of air flow and line. It doesn't sound as disjointed as before where I was worrying about just note at a time instead of entire phrases. The two negative things she noticed were that I was moving my fingers more than necessary (especially with the half hole) and that my chin was moving around. Problem is that I don't even feel it moving. She thinks I may be doing it to try to tune up my notes but I wonder if it's me trying keep my embouchure in place. Either way I have to practice with my mirror again to make sure I am not chewing or otherwise moving my jaw/chin. UGH! I am quite disturbed by this habit because it's almost subconscious or something since I don't feel it happening. When will my corners and chin just stay in place? Hopefully soon!

I may have some playing opportunities coming up . . . more on that in a later post.

Hilda 1 Reeds 87

2006-11-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday I had a lesson and took two reeds in for inspection. Guess what? One of them was actually good! I've had nearly good ones before where my teacher would fix just a few things on them, particularly on the tip. But this reed's tip needed NO adjustment at all. When I looked at it under her light I almost got goosebumps. It looked how it was supposed to look! WOOHOO! She made a few scrapes in the back and that was it. The sound is not amazing but it plays comfortably and acceptably. I have been struggling so much with knife sharpening of all things and it was really hampering my progress in the reed making front. I knew that the knives felt better this weekend and that must be why the tip came out well. Let's hope that I don't have to make another 100 reeds before I get the next decent one.

That was the good news. The bad news is that E-flat minor kicked my butt. And the other bad news it that my embouchure still needs some work. It's improved, but as I tire I struggle to keep my corners and chin in the right place and sometimes I bite too. Is it normal to still be dealing with this? When do the child students rid themselves of these habits?

I guess I'm paranoid because I didn't get to play the Marcello at my last lesson. After celebrating the reed success (my other reed was a complete dud by the way) we did long tones and ended up staying there for the remainder of the lesson. So I left wondering if she noticed something really wrong with my tone production or she just happened to want to return to basics on that particular day. I know that we moved very fast at the beginning so maybe she just wants to backtrack a little bit for thoroughness's sake. She said that I am focusing way too much on intonation and that my sound has suffered somewhat because of it. Apparently I've started to overcompensate with my embouchure to ensure the proper intonation. She'd rather me not play perfectly in tune but focus more on getting a stronger sound. I'm been dampering my sound too much in trying to sound beautiful and in tune. At one point she told me I was trying to skip a year to which I replied that I have a lot of years to make up for. I think she really feels my pain for wanting this really badly but having a complicated life now.

My first few days of practice after the lesson felt weird. I spend the majority of my practice session doing long tones and slow scales. I do think I really needed it though. Today I finally felt better with the exercises she gave me. I think I am starting to understand where she's going with the sound thing. I don't have to damper the sound in order for it to sound pretty. Quite the contrary. When I am not biting and my chin and corners are correct, the sound that comes out is a lot more vibrant and "singing". It's a little harder to control the volume but I wasn't doing that well with the before anyway so now I am following her suggestions about air speed and support. Let's see what happens this coming Sunday.

In terms of the Marcello, I've been focusing on the 2nd movement ever since I switched to the C minor version. It's VERY hard on my chops to get through the whole thing. In fact, my embouchure tends to die out somewhere halfway and I need to take a few bars of rest before continuing. The good thing is that the soreness I feel is at the corners of my lips so hopefully that means that I am working that area and that it will get stronger soon, enabling me to keep the correct embouchure for longer and longer periods of time.

Sometimes I wish we were also working out of a method book too. Maybe it's because I'm a nerd or because I am so frustrated at not having start young and want to make up for that, but there's something satisfying about being able to say "I finished xyz book". *sigh* I just feel a constant need to be evaluated and to know how I'm progressing in all areas. Why is it that method books are not normally used with adult students?

And with that question, I am off to bed. Tomorrow will be another long day at work and I have to come home and practice AND start another reed before we go out to the movies. :-D Happy playing everyone!

Mannes revisited

2006-10-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

Whenver I contemplate winning the lottery my thoughts inevitably gravitate towards this program. I just realized that it's probably possible to do the entire thing part-time at night. Sure, it may take 6 years, but at least I know there is a way, albeit impractical, to get a little bit of the conservatory experience. Hanging out with a bunch of music geeks is so appealing to me. But I'm sure it's not lovey dovey at all. I bet you that even these adult students are competitive. Oh well. I can always dream.

Time to go practice now.

An attempt to catch up

2006-10-27T21:18:00.000-04:00

Now that the doctors at work have switched to digital recording, I borrowed one of the old mini tape recorders from them. The idea was to dictate my posts as I drove around, since that's when I tend to get most of my inspirations for writing. The plan hasn't quite yet come to fruition. But since I've become at least partially optimistic in the last few years, I do still have hopes of updating my blog more regularly.

One of the things I thought about this week was that I've been trying to keep the blog fairly impersonal, focusing mostly on music. I figured no one would want to read about my daily struggles outside of the practice room. But then I realized that this is part of why it's been hard to update it lately. Back when I was at the corporate job I had ample free time and a LOT of mental energy to devote to my music. I could easily come up with blog entries dealing with music and just music. That's not the case right now. I feel pretty inundated with everything going on and am unable to write about music on a daily basis. In order for that river to flow again I need to relieve myself of some of the things burdening me.

So what's been going on?

* Hmm, let's start with lite fare. One of the kittens has a new home. Our friend from church took her in. The kitten now has a big family which includes a 5 year old girl, an almost 2 year old boy, and a male puppy! They've named her Suzy.
* We've named the kitten we're keeping Cleo.
* My brother and my husband took their CPE tests last Wednesday. If my brother passes he will qualify to graduate and will be granted his Associates Degree (even though he has over 90 credits . . . long story). If my husband passes then he only has to take three more courses and he too will get his AA. I am more worried about how my brother fared as it was a retake for him and they only get 3 tries before the schools give them a hard time. He really needs to have something good happen to him so that he can use that as impetus to get things going in his life again. I feel like he's committing the same mistakes I made in my early 20's. I wish there was a way to protect him from it all but all along we've hurt him by not letting him fall and learn to pick himself back up.
* My sister-in-law (who lives with us and just turned 19) enlisted to join the Army and is leaving on January 3rd. I think the magnitude of this hasn't quite hit me yet as I am in denial. I have a hard time understanding her decision and seeing how it will be for the best. But I can't impose on her my vision of what her life should be. I guess all we can do is pray for her health and safety.
* Since August 5th, all of our parents are living in the Dominican Republic. This is the longest I've ever been away from my mother. It's been good and bad. There is so much tension (more on my end at this point) between my dad and me that though I miss her it's healthier for me to have him farther away. At this point, however, I am starting to miss him too. I wasn't quite ready for how much their retirement would upset my own life. Our Sundays were set in stone, now I feel that we are wandering around a bit lost ...
* ... now that we're on the subject of Sundays, we haven't gone to our church all month. I can't remember the last time I missed that many Masses in a row. I may have been 12 years old. There is all kinds of drama going on with our church band. Be careful what you wish for, indeed. I have never felt comfortable with the Mass I started attending 14 years ago. It's a Spanish Charismatic mass which means that it's a lot livelier than what I was used to. Over the years as I've gotten more and more involved with the music I seemed to forget about my initial unease and just rejoiced in the camaraderie. But for the past few months I've been feeling a noticeable void in my life. I've started to feel as though I have become spiritually barren. This makes sense since I have not actively worked on my spiritual side in many years. Add to this a recent meeting about music reform at our church, my husband's continual involvement with an artist who has frequent Sunday gigs, and my general sense of exhaustion/saturation and you get an ugly mixture. Tomorrow we met with our pastor regarding our absence and the future of our group and of that mass. I don't know what I want at this point, but I do know that I at least need some time off to examine my options without any pressure.
* Work is very intense. So intense, in fact, that I have no time to think about how intense it is until I get home feeling like an overripe fruit which splatted onto the ground. I thought this was what I wanted. Because I have indeed conquered procrastination in one fell swoop (at least at work). It is impossible to procrastinate when patients are waiting, phones are ringing, and doctors are paging you. I do admit that there is a certain rush to all this. But this constant sensation of rush and stress is unhealthy I fear. Were it to be better if I was higher up in the food chain? Or would the added responsibility make it unbearable?
* Despite my chronic fatigue (I think it's finally beginning to subside somewhat) I still find myself compelled to stay on this pre-med route. Without it my life seems to have no direction.
* Well, there is one exception to what I just wrote. Let's just say that it is pretty clear to me that my biological clock is ticking. So I find myself frequently daydreaming about a life full of diapers, play dates, and music.
* This is followed by daydreams of me actually doing something about my health. I've been feeling quite unhealthy lately and the desire to change that is slowly growing inside me. Perhaps it will gain enough momentum to actually lead me to make some healthy changes in my life. But who has time to fit working out into an already hectic schedule? And eating healthy requires SO much planning. And a lot of money.
* The next thought is that even if I were to get into perfect Mommy shape there is still a logistical problem to deal with. My husband's schedule right now is so hectic that sometimes three days go by where the only time we spend together is while we are sleeping.
* In spite of all this, I do still have my musical goals. And part of my problem is trying to figure out how to work out the rest of my life so that I can still attain said goal. Thank GOD for the oboe because though my motivation has been less than desired lately (maybe because I'm so tired!) I am convinced that it is the sole reason why I am managing to keep my sanity. I don't know if I've become a wimp or something, but for some reason I feel nearly completely overwhelmed these days. At one point I was starting to feel quite blue all of the time, but my music pulled me through. I am still more blue than is normal for me, but I am trying to stay optimistic.
* Some questions: How do most people do it? Do they think less and live more? How can you convince yourself that you are leading your life the right way, that you are not in a perpetual cycle of missed opportunities and wasted potential? Will my musical progress ever stop being bittersweet? Will my Type-A tendencies get the best of me and carry me through the long road to becoming a physician? And if so, would that lead to my fulfillment or to me burning out while trying to "have it all" (yet not achieving much)? Or can I break all the chains and lead an unscripted life? Will my creative and academic sides ever reach a truce? To be continued . . .

And so perhaps now that I've gotten all of that off my chest I can go back to the regularly scheduled program:

I thought that E major was evil. Naive little oboe student was I. Left handed D#/E-flat becomes quite easy after a while. I don't remember when it happened but I no longer worry about that note at all. What's kicking my butt all over town right now is the E-flat minor scale, in all its tasty varieties. The Marcello Adagio is also kicking my chop's butt. I play though it once and I am done for the day. What a pain in the embouchure!

Rapture

2006-10-15T20:57:00.000-04:00

Guess what I did today?????

For the first time ever, I played on an English Horn!!

Sometimes I forget why I am doing all this but today I got a sweet reminder. My first few notes were clumsy but then I relaxed and let the air work better and suddenly I was getting a decent sound out of it. My new friend also remembered that the reason I am playing oboe is because of "Swan of Tuonela" so she promptly placed the music for it in front of me and I played through about half of it. Then I played several other of my favorite excerpts. I didn't want to stop playing because it felt so wonderful.

I'd always worry that whenever I got to play EH that it would be a struggle. Instead if felt quite natural. And it was so,so satisfying to hear its unique sound coming out through me.

It was pure bliss. :-D

And now I know I am not doing all this in vain.

PrettySound

2006-10-10T20:15:00.000-04:00

Hi!! I'm still here wading my way through Oboeland. In just a few short months I will have been playing for 2 years. I can hardly believe it. It's become such a big part of my life that I have a hard time remembering myself before it. If even today I sometimes feel aimless, how in the world was I managing before? When I had no real passion in life? Poor little me.

That all being said, for a few weeks it was looking as though things were going downhill. Thankfully I've managed to work myself out of the funk. At least for now. If there's one thing I've learned in playing this instrument (and I'm sure this applies to all others) is that the path will have many ups and downs, regardless of how far along the path you are. The trick, especially as an adult student, is to make sure you progress as much as you can during upswings so that you don't lose too much on the downswings.

After I started this job I was no longer able to keep weekly lessons with T. I am now working in the suburb where I live at which makes it harder to get into the City for things. J is even further away and I haven't seen in over a month now. Having two teachers has been mostly good but sometimes it can get complicated. Especially since I haven't found the right way to tell J about T. I think she wouldn't mind, but I don't want her to think that I've been seeing her less solely because of T. It's really been logistics more than anything. We had no place to meet at over the summer other than her place which is far from me. Then there's the whole reed issue. Their styles are somewhat different so I have to make them differently for each teacher. I am trying to see which ones work out the best for me, but have no definitive answer yet. Oh then there's also the question of what to play. J has me studying Corelli and T assigned me Marcello. I haven't touched the Corelli in weeks because it was the Marcello that I prepared for that audition. Now I am meeting J this weekend and I need to brush up on it. The good thing is that since the Marcello is more challenging, I am finding that the Corelli feels a lot easier.

Am I doing something wrong here in terms of the teacher thing? I am feeling some guilt about it because I am technically lying by omission. I guess I'm afraid of hurting fer feelings. What would you advise? I think I am going to have to mention something at this upcoming lesson. The main reason being that T and I have worked on vibrato quite a lot already and I was supposed to be learning it with J at my next lesson.

I mentioned last time (I think) that my high A has finally started to work for me. For whatever reason that was the note I was having the most trouble with on all accounts. I've always felt clumsy fingering it. The sound tended to be almost hollow sounding and kind of dead. And the intonation was consistently flat. One day while working on Marcello and paying a lot of attention to my breathing and support, I noticed that the A was coming out a lot better. The most striking thing was that it had acquired an unmistakably "singing" quality. In one swoop it went from being my worst note to (sometimes) being my best. The first time it happened it really caught me by surprise. I couldn't believe the sound had come from me. Even the feel of it was different from what it had been. It felt rich like creamy milk chocolate. It was such a gratifying feeling! Of course it tends to only happen when I am doing everything right: when I am paying attention to not bite, to keep my throat open, to support well, and to focus my airstream. I think this may have been what remotivated me. All along I've feared that I would never get to a point where I would sound like a "real" oboe. Having a note sound really beautiful like that made me hope that it could indeed happen. I kept working on it and was able to get a nice tone from other notes too every once in a while. I am not sure if all this is somehow related to the vibrato studies. I think they too have helped me focus on my breathing and phrasing.

At the end of my last lesson T gave me a little summary of how the lesson went (she realized that I really appreciate and need specific feedback). The thing that most struck me was when she said that the "pretty sound" has been coming out more and more often. BINGO! I really loved the term because I had been experiencing the phenomenon for a few days or weeks at home and didn't know quite how to explain. All I knew was that things were changing and that my sound seemed more consistent. I guess it's starting to mature. Weee! I don't want to get my hopes up too far or too quickly, but I am definitely excited about this. I don't know why I want this so badly, I just know that it would make me immensely happy to be able to make my instrument sound consistently beautiful. How did this happen? I would have never guessed that this would become my most heartfelt goal in life. *giggle*

And the other question is what would I then do once I get to that point? I underestimated how difficult it would be to find a suitable ensemble in this area. Sure there are lots of groups, but there are also tons of profesionally trained musicians. Groups are either superbly good or completely crappy. And the whole play-at-church thing is not working. In what, if any, denominations is chamber style music played as part of the service? Apparently my Church is trying to get back into Gregorian Chant. And the other ones around town are playing stuff that's more pop or jazz.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about PrettySound. I am sure that my oboe is thinking "Thank GOD that this girl is finally sounding better!" When I first got Luna I still sounded like absolute crap. A year later I was starting to sound better but a few seconds of PrettySound would only occur every few weeks or days. I think that now PrettySound usually pays a visit at least once per practice session. Hurrah! Oh, dear PrettySound, I love you! Please come back soon. And I hope that some day you come to stay forever. :-)

Cats!

2006-09-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

As promised here are some cute kittens. They love to play around the pile of music I have in the basement. If you look closely there's my original copy of the Corelli:

There are three kittens total:

Here's the Mommy. She was our friendly neighborhood stray. We used to feed her so she was comfortable with us and allowed me to move the kittens indoors. I couldn't bear the thought of them being cold and wet outside. Also one of our neighbors threatened to call the pound on them.

She's actually a very good cat. Very friendly and docile. She likes to meow a lot which is cute. She also took to her litter and scratching post immediately. And she even likes to play music sometimes:

Watch out, Schoenberg!

Hi! I'm Chucky. Wanna play??

2006-09-23T16:50:00.000-04:00

For me the hardest part about being an adult learner is not having any one else to play with. I don't quite understand why playing with others is so important to me. It's not that I don't enjoy playing by myself. I guess it's that I know it would be so much more fun to make music with others.

I meant to make this post last weekend because I had a particularly bad music week. Recall that last Monday (not this one that just passed) I was sad because I realized I would have been going to my first Wind Ensemble rehearsal had I gotten in. Then comes my clarinetist friend to the rescue! Our trumpet player friend (of annoying concert fame) was getting married this Saturday and all his musician friends wanted to play at the wedding. Clarinetist told me he'd tell the "director" to write a part in for me. There was to be a rehearsal the day before but that was the day of the farewell dinner for the girl I replaced at work. Clarinetist said I could just sight read the part at the wedding. Fine.

So we drive 1.5 hours into Connecticut with Luna the Oboe in tow. I was speeding to make sure I got there early enough to read through my parts a few times. I can't even explain my dismay when I get there to find out that "director" decided not to include me after all since I didn't make it to rehearsal. Pfffft! I sat there and pouted throughout the entire ceremony. How irreverent of me. I then proceeded to get quite tipsy (on wine) at the reception. That was kind of fun while it lasted. When I got home I slept like a log.

The following day (last Sunday) was supposed to be the first meeting of the "New York Amateur Chamber Music Players Group". I had signed up at meetup.com and expressed my interest in chamber music. A few weeks ago someone finally organized and official group and set up a meeting for the 17th. Thankfully I hadn't gotten my hopes up too high because the founder of the group is MIA and the meeting did not occur.

And so another Monday came and went as I wallowed deeper and deeper in self-pity. I started feeling like an ugly doll that nobody wanted. Oh yeah, and I was PMSing too.

Luckily, Fr. D saved the day. We met up on Thursday to play our duets and had a ton of fun! I'm also set to meet T again next week and hopefully she can get me back on track. I think I'm almost out of the post-audition blues. Hopefully she will give me new stuff to work on or at least help me organize my practice time better. Hmm, I may even work on a reed or two this weekend!

Well I don't want this post to be entirely sad so here's a pic of the cute kittens living in my basement:

0-1

2006-09-12T19:33:00.000-04:00

Hello,

Thank you for auditioning for the Wind Ensemble this weekend.
This was the most competitive year ever for auditions, and we
unfortunately are not able to offer you a spot in the ensemble at
this time.

We greatly hope you'll continue your interest in the CU Wind
Ensemble. Because our membership changes from year to year, don't hesitate to audition for us in the future.

"Ehh"

2006-09-09T14:55:00.000-04:00

So the trip to school for the audition turned into something of an odyssey. I had set up at my Mom's in upper Manhattan and planned to take the subway down so that I wouldn't have to worry about looking for parking by school. I checked to make sure I had everything before I left. A few steps away from the building I felt that my bookbag was too heavy so I decided to leave some of the books in my car. Twenty minutes later and halfway into my subway ride downtown I realized I left the music behind with my MCAT books. I calmly got out at the next stop and took it back uptown. By the time I got back to my car it was 2 o'clock and I ended up having to drive after all. Luckily I found parking but I ended up losing almost all of my warm-up time. I had just 5 minutes before they called me in. Maybe it was for the best though because I could feel my heart beating faster and faster as I waited in the warm-up room. What a relief to be done! I thought my heart would jump out of my chest the entire time. Those were the longest 10 minutes ever.

The good news: My Marcello came out pretty well. I was actually a bit disappointed (and a bit worried) when they stopped me halfway. I didn't get a chance to do the ending which was coming out really well. Then again I also didn't have to battle through the longest phrase in the work, the one I tended to run out of breath on. I think that most of the elements were there. It was a big room so my sound seemed very different than usual but I had no time to really think about it. My intonation was good and I think I kept the rhythm well. I even managed to work some dynamics in there. Too bad I didn't get to do the really soft part near the end. Oh well. No matter, I don't think that the Marcello made a difference. I think that at the end of it I had moderately impressed them and was still in the game.

The bad news: I crapped out on the technical sight reading. The damn thing was in E-flat major and for some reason I allowed this to freak me out. I just hadn't played in that key in a while. Also the articulation of the excerpt was all over the place and I messed it up. I somehow got to the end but it was very sloppy.

The expressive sight reading went better because at least I hit all the right notes. It was a mostly legato excerpt in G minor. I tried my hardest to get the dynamics right and to put some vibrato in there. In retrospect I should have done the expressive one first because then I wouldn't have gotten freaked out by the other one. I think they liked the expressive one but I am not sure.

Walking out I thought I maybe had a chance but as I got near the door I heard one of the three judges say "Ehh" in a negative sort of way. So I am expecting to not get in. I'll find out tomorrow night.

It's ok if I don't get in. I learned a lot from the experience. There are other groups I can join, but I may have to pay because they are more like classes offered at different music schools.

When I walked back to the warm-up room there was another oboist there. I'm not sure how many they're looking to take since right now they only have 1. I figured I'd stand a good chance if I were the only one auditioning. However, if anyone else showed up chances are they have more experience than me since they're likely to be undergrads who've been playing at least since high school, if not earlier. The other girl was doing the first movement of the Saint-Saens Sonata (I LOVE that one!). As soon as I heard the first few notes I thought: I'm definitely not getting in. That piece is so lovely it will impress no matter what. Her sound was good as was her breath control, and her technique was fairly good. But as she went on I noticed that she was quite severely sharp (I even turned on my tuner which was in my bag to confirm - is that evil?? haha). She was also playing the piece a bit too quickly.

I was under the impression that intonation, sound, and rhythm would be the most important qualities to show. I'm really curious to see what they regard as most important. I'm assuming that the other oboist sight read better than me. So they'd have to choose between a good albeit out-of-tune sight-reader or between someone who can play in tune but may get lost in the music. I have a feeling they'll choose the former. Especially since intonation tends to be a problem regardless in large wind ensembles.

Well, it's done. It's 21 months to the day since I started playing and I survived my first audition. I think I'll have a toast to that tonight! :-)

High C

2006-09-09T09:02:00.000-04:00

Wow, so much has gone on since I last updated. I went through another dark period with my instrument. All of a sudden it seemed that I was losing some of the things I already had some control of like sound, intonation, and breathing. I made the mistake of recording myself during one of those bad days and I got very discouraged. I almost made a post asking whether the world truly needs another bad oboist. For a few days I almost seriously considered quitting. It was such a horrible feeling. I was tempted to write about my negative thoughts just in case that had a cathartic effect, but I didn't like the idea of those ugly words being here forever. Deep down I knew it would pass and I didn't want to make them more "real" by recording them here.

This bad stretch, like all the others before it, came after a prolonged period of not having a lesson. When I finally went into see J she summed up my troubles in one word: biting. I should have known that's why I was playing consistently sharp and with a weird, pinched sound. This is why it's so important to have someone who coaches you regularly. I knew I was doing something wrong, but even though the symptoms were clear I didn't know how to go about fixing things. And to top it off my reeds weren't helping. It was a difficult lesson because we had to go back to doing a lot of long tones and octaves and they sounded horrible. But by the third day or so my intonation and sound were back and I couldn't be happier.

While all this was going on my audition date (TODAY!) was drawing nearer and I was not spending as much time as I wanted to on my Marcello piece. Things got back on track only about 10 days ago and I had a LONG way to go. I ended up seeing T twice in the last week and since by then I was sounding normal again (which isn't great yet, but is ok) she helped me with my interpretation of the piece. We worked on articulation, dynamics, breathing, and vibrato. For warm-up she had me do some slow C scales since I've been slacking on my regular scale studies. At first I wasn't blowing enough air and my pitch and sound in the upper register were sagging. With her watching and giving suggestions I eventually managed to play my very best C scale ever. When I got to the top C I could actually feel that the note was vibrating and singing. It was my prettiest high C ever! I never realized that when you're doing everything right you can feel that the sound is beautiful, not just hear it. Now that I know what that cantabile sound feels like I am working on trying to get it to come out more often. I haven't gotten it to work up there again, but it does happen occasionally with middle D, E, and F. Every once in a while my high A can do it, but most of the things that note is still my worst sounding of them all.

My audition is at 2:30 today. I can get through the entire piece now without passing out. Part of the problem is that I am not playing it at the marked tempo yet and there are two longish phrases that I tend to run out of breath in. But if I try to play it quickly enough to negate the breathing problem, I tend to play messy. So for the last few days I've worked on finding a balance. I've also had to wean off my metronome and the tuner. That was a lot harder than I expected. Especially the metronome. I find myself doubting my timing while I'm playing. When I played it for T and she acted like a judge she said it was actually good as was my intonation. What she wanted me to pay more attention to was blowing through my phrases more and dynamics. I am going to practice maybe just 30 minutes today before I go in to make sure that my reed is ok.

I have to sight read at this audition too but did not practice for that at all. Let's just hope they don't give me anything beyond my ability.

*gulp* So that's it for now. Next time I post I will be done with my first "official" audition.
Now the piece sounds halfway decent.

Sort of Serendipity

2006-08-22T23:58:00.000-04:00

That research program left me emotionally drained. Thus the dearth of posts here on the blog. It's weird how when I was at corporate job writing on the blog was cathartic but now it's become very difficult for the words to come out well.

Part of the reason the program tired me out is that it lead to a reawakening of my "to be or not to be MD" debate. Maybe reawakening is not the right word since the debate never ever fully leaves my consciousness. Worrying about the same thing for 10 years plus makes you feel as though you are going around in circles even when you are moving forward. I need to stop chasing my own tail.

The good news is that I got a very lucky break today. I've been officially unemployed since completing the internship. I had been trying not to freak too much about this, giving myself until after Labor Day to start any true panicking. I've applied to a handful of jobs so far and have even heard back from one place. Unfortunately, my schedule didn't work well for them. That position was for a medical assistant at a dermatologist's office. It would have given me patient contact and even surgical assistant experience. All good stuff for future MD or PA school applications. I was disappointed that I had to pass that up but the positive interaction with the recruiter gave me a burst of confidence. Perhaps that was showing today when I took the mother-in-law to her ophthalmologist for laser treatment. Before the actual treatment I went in to talk with the doctor a bit. Afterwards I went in again so that he could tell me how things went and what the plans for her are. Somewhere in the middle of this conversation he says to me "You're too sharp. Are you pre-med or in the medical field?" DOH! Busted! I was taken aback because I certainly wasn't doing anything to try to impress him. I thought I was acting like my normal, non-anal-supposedly-EX-premed self. When I told him about going to Columbia undergrad and studying Computer Science the poor guy nearly had a heart attack. He ran off to get higher level doc and then I had a nice chat with both of them. They were both encouraging me to keep at it with the MD (though they did admit that PA is a good option). They also offered help and said I could go back any time to shadow them. Before I left the head guy asked me for my contact info, which I though nothing of at the time.

A few hours later I'm at the mall (buying the hubby and brother birthday gifts!) and I get a call from an unfamiliar number. I let it go to voice mail and was quite surprised to hear that it was the doctor calling to ask me some questions. The only logical explanation was that it would be about employment. But I didn't dare hope for it. A job at an ophthalmology office the next town away? (I have 3 years of experience working with neuro-ophthalmologists, by the way.) Working with two friendly doctors who are eager to teach? No, it couldn't be. It was several hours before we got in touch and he we did he did indeed offer me a job. Just like that. No formal interview, nothing. Just "when do you want to start?" Holy smokes, this kind of thing usually doesn't happen to me. But I've noticed than when it does happen it tends to be related to medical things. Is that a sign? Oh wait, I thought I didn't believe in signs anymore.

Soooo. I didn't even have to stress out too much about our lack of money. Tomorrow I will call him back to confirm the pay (a quite decent hourly rate) and the schedule. It looks like I will be working 30-32 hours a week and taking only one class instead of the two I originally planned for. As opposed to the other job I almost got last week, this one has a schedule that works perfectly for me. The learning curve shouldn't be too steep since I will be doing a lot of what I did 10 years ago at the neuro-opth office. And I've already hit it off really well with the two doctors I'll be working with. I didn't even have to interview, something I hate and dread with a passion. The commute is 5 minutes. In fact, it's probably walking distance. Oh, and I get to explore the posh town next door: Rye. Oh, and I get to wear navy blue scrubs to work. Fun!

I wanted to cry when this all happened because I felt this overwhelming sense that my life was being touched by a divine power. I've felt so aimless with my career and I was close to the point of despair. It's like I was picked up, dusted off, and set on a paved road. How far will the road lead me? I don't know yet. But right now I am so very grateful.

My musical motivation is a bit low right now, as it tends to get when the medical one goes up. I really need to work on equilibrating them. The good news is that now I will have money to pick up my lessons again. Waaah, I miss my teachers!

Where's Waldo

2006-08-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

Halcyon moment

2006-08-08T23:43:00.000-04:00

For some reason even after a Bachelor's in music and paid gigs (sax, electric bass, backup vocals), I still have trouble considering myself a musician. Now there is the whole "oboist" term to content with. All along I've been calling myself an "oboe student". But lately I've been feeling like maybe I've put in enough work to start calling myself an "oboist", even if I do have to qualify it with something like "amateur". I think that it's my reed making efforts which are causing me to change perspective. Though I still have a ways to go before sounding well-rounded, I feel like the reed making alone is enough to qualify me as a real oboist. Who else but an oboist willingly gives up big chunks of free time to scrape bamboo?

Actually, the real reason behind all this is that I am actively working towards trying to enjoy the journey more in all areas of my life. Left to my own devices, I will focus on a goal almost blindly so that days pass by without my even noticing. Then I start feeling as though I will only be happy once the goal is achieved. But how about if it takes forever (or never happens)? I have to learn to appreciate every day as the gift that it is.

Don't mind me. I'm a bit melodramatic because for a few moments this weekend I felt as though I was in my favorite dream. I may have mentioned it before. The first time I remember having it I was 7 years old. The dream takes place at a wonderful village by the water. It is always dusk and there are wonderful smells of plants, firewood, and sometimes food. Soft music (in minor keys) comes from an unknown source. And many of the people I care about are walking about happily, in preparation for a fun night to come. The funny thing is that time seems to stop in the dream because the sun never quite sets and I never do get to find out what it is that everyone is so excited about. The mood is one of anticipation laced with revelry. It is the most peaceful image I can conjure.

I just realized this weekend, as I was sitting at a park by the water at dusk, that part of what makes the dream so wonderful is the feeling of hopefulness. Everyone is so happy because it feels as though the entire world is out there for us to enjoy and be thankful for. Yet no one is really achieving anything at the moment; we just all seem to have limitless potential. But it's not big feats that matter. It's every day things. The sound of waves, the voice of a friends, a beautiful song.

I vowed to try to apply that to my own life. To quit postponing feeling good until I lose those 20 lbs. Or until I can play the Saint-Saens sonata. Or until I have initials after my name. The only time we have is now. I need to learn to live in an eternal twilight.

La-a-a-ast Le-e-e-e-so-o-o-on

2006-08-02T16:11:00.000-04:00

After a 10 day hiatus I had another lesson last night. I was nervous because I think I still wasn't completely over the teary lesson. Then again because of that lesson I have been tring to focus more during practices, to try to better understand which areas need improvement. My current top area of focus is breathing and support, with tonguing coming in second.

It's a good thing that my breathing and support have improved somewhat because the my lesson last night focused on more vibrato studies. She had me do the pulse exercise a lot faster than what I had been doing at home. I was able to keep up with it for the most part, but after just a few minutes it felt like Olympic training! When she had me play the Sarabande from my Corelli with vibrato I got tired by the 6th bar. This brings the whole concept of endurance to a brand new level.

While I was initially afraid that introducing vibrato may do more harm than good, I think it's actually going to work out well. Trying to get vibrato is forcing me to support correctly because otherwise I can't do it at all (or a do a weird, throaty one that doesn't sound good). And using more air is going to help with my tonguing issues. I continue to revert to my heavy saxophone tounging technique. In order to play merengue jaleos I had to learn to use the middle of my tongue because tonguing on the tip made the sound too short and generally wasn't quick enough. Now I have to retrain myself to use the lightest touch possible with just the tip. Right now my tongue tends to get in the way of my air stream so that my playing sounds somewhat discontinous and less musical. I'm excited about this last lesson because once I can get these two concepts moving along, my playing will sound more balanced.

We went over what I should play for my Wind Ensemble audition in September. I had been feeling that the Corelli is not the right piece for that and she agreed. So she'd like for me to start working on the Marcello concerto, which she called a "stretch" piece. After hearing it this morning I'd call it a "big stretch" piece. I only have to prepare the first movement though, which is doable. I do agree with PY's comment on an earlier post that I need easier music to work on expression. Maybe I will use some methods I have at home for that and for sight reading practice. Oh, and I can also work on it tonight when I meet with my duet friend. Which reminds me, I need to start getting ready to leave. See ya!

Update from the black hole

2006-07-26T09:39:00.000-04:00

I just finished a presentation I had at work. I had to present a paper on molecular beacons. The papers themselves are something else. The target audience of these scientific journals are people with PhD's in biochemistry, molecular biology, or chemical engineering. So you can only imagine how difficult it is to get through them. I had to look for background information that was more at my level like this before I could even begin to read my paper. Then I had to make a powerpoint presentation and present it to some principal investigators here as well as other interns and graduate students. Can we say INTIMIDATION? I felt quite uncomfortable lecturing about a topic I was still unsure about to people who've actually published papers on that topic. In the end it turned out pretty well. I was nervous and stumbled a little bit through some of my explanations, but the comments at the end were positive.

Between preparing for this presentation and my frustrations with my playing, I've not been playing all that much the last few days. But I am looking forward to returning to my instrument tonight. I plan to just do basics: long tones and slow scales for a few days before working on my piece again. Every time I focus too much on actual repertoire I tend to lose control of things I thought I already had under my belt, namely, embouchure and intonation. It could also be reed related, which means I have to spend more time on that too. I think I've been playing on some bad reeds that have caused me to start biting. Hence I want to use a newer reed which doens't play flat in order to get used to a more correct, open (non-biting) embouchure.

For my next lesson on Tuesday I need to make two new reeds. At our previous lesson T told me that since my goals are "lofty" I needed to get more serious about my reed making. I am going to really put some time into that during the next month before classes start up again.

I've been thinking more about the musical expression thing. I realized that if I have the music in front of me I am capable to analyzing it and coming up with ideas of how it should sound. So if I can do this on paper, theoretically I should be able to do it on the instrument. I think the problem is that it's difficult to be a good critic while you're actually playing. At least it is for me. Maybe this will get easier with time. That's probably what good practicing is about for more advanced students. I often wondered why they'd play the same piece for hours when it wouldn't take them more than a few minutes to get the actual notes under their belts. The difficult thing is figuring out HOW to play the notes. Once you get to a certain level, the notes themselves are no longer the problem. So how do you deal with this while you're still working up to that level? I'm assuming your teacher must help you until you can do it on your own.

I just want to feel that there is hope for me. That the reason I am not expressive now is not due to a tragic personal flaw, but simply to lack of technique and being "green" on the instrument. Sometimes I feel that the sound blinds me. I love the sound so much and it's so exciting that I am finally sounding oboe-like. But I think this distracts me and I pay no attention to actual expression because just making it sound is beautiful to me. Hopefully I'll get over this soon enough so that I can start moving up to the next level.

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

2006-07-15T14:58:00.000-04:00

I was a bad little reedmaker all week long and so I ended up having to get up at 8AM on a Saturday morning to try to make a reed before my noon lesson. I figured I wouldn't completely finish it but I could at least take in something half-way decent. At my last lesson we spent quite a bit of time going over proper knife sharpening technique. I was very grateful for this because I knew that I had been doing something wrong; my knives NEVER felt sharp before. She got me away from the ceramic sticks and into a real sharpening block. Those had scared me up until then. It's amazing how much more cane you can pick up with a knife that's actually sharpened. I had been using entirely too much force in my reedmaking to try to make up for blunt knives. As a result of this, I ended up nicking my thigh while working on my reed tip. BLOOD.

It's 85 and high humidity so I won't go into the SWEAT.

The drive into the City was somewhat nervewracking because my reed activity made me leave the house late so I was hauling butt the entire time. I even witnessed a fender bender. The strange part was that I totally saw it coming. I was in the middle lane and could see that up ahead in the right lane cars were nearly completely stopped. The folks coming up behind me on the right were going entirely too fast. I quickly shifted to the left lane to get away from the inevitable. I think that about 4 cars ended up ramming into each other. Nothing serious, but these folks will all have to get new bumpers.

I am not making excuses for myself but the fact was that I got to the lesson already tensed up. Or should I saw more tense than usual? We talked briefly about reeds again and then I had to present my scales. She threw me off by asking me to do a different articulation. I fumbled the first few times but by the end I was ok. I'd rate my scale performance as satisfactory. They're improving but there's still a lot of room to grow.

We ended up skipping long tones and going right into the Giga from my Corelli piece. I had practiced it quite a bit over the week and was nervous about whether it would show. I did mostly fine with the notes and managed to include some varying dynamics. In my naivete I thought it was sounding pretty ok but I was missing the big picture. A lot of my choices had been somewhat misguided. T helped me understand ways to better phrase the passages. Everything she said was very helpful and whenever she demonstrated for me it sounded much more beautiful (even though she was purposely not using vibrato). I think that deep down I was feeling frustrated that I hadn't been able to figure it out on my own. She assured me that I was doing more than well and that it would all come with time. But still, I couldn't help but feel inadequate. Why can't my lines flow yet? Why is my air stream wimpy?

It was in this state of mind that we started a "pre-vibrato" exercise. This consisted mostly of controlled shouting so that I could isolate the area I will eventually get my vibrato chops from. I've struggled with vibrato and too much throat/nose in my singing so I've known (and dreaded) all along that vibrato would be a challenge for me. When you add self-consciousness into the mix, it's a recipe for disaster. I battled through the exercises, rarely getting them right. I continued on but eventually broke down. When I tried to make a sound it got caught up with a knot in my throat and my eyes welled up with tears. I was mortified! How embarrassing to be crying in front of one of my beloved teachers. Crying because I couldn't do something. TEARS.

She was very sweet about it and got me water and encouraged me. We went on for a few more minutes but with the instrument instead because I was just too uncomfortable trying to produce weird sounds with my voice. I was able to get a single beat in the middle of a long tone and we stopped at that point.

While I put my instrument away we had a nice talk. I was feeling ridiculous still and wanted to figure out my feelings. I know that I was frustrated but it's not like I wanted to give up. If anything, I was more motivated than ever to get through this hurdle and I wanted to convey that to her. This wasn't the first time I've shed tears on this journey and I know it won't be the last. She made me feel better because she verbalized something I had been feeling for a few weeks. It's like I am about to get to the next level but am not quite there yet. The levels before it were easier and faster to reach. I had been lingering somewhat and have recently started making progress again, to the point where I can sort of taste the next level. Being almost there is what makes one get frustrated. She said that she experienced those points in her own journey and reassured me that I WILL get through and that I will feel very good about it once it happens. And then it will be on to the next hurdle. She also said that not everything will come naturally. Some things I am naturally good at (not sure which ones she meant - I will have to ask her). Other things I will have to work very hard for. The messed up part is that as adult students we tend to focus on things we can measure easily like technique or intonation whereas my biggest challenges are going to be in the realm of musical expression. All these years I've merely been dabbling in music, getting into things half-way but always backing out when I really had to SAY something. I've reached the point where I need to start worrying about how my music is coming out, not just that the right notes are being played. I am so scared. I've been scared of this all my life. I think this is why I've always run very far away from improvisation (even though as a child I composed songs prolifically). I am very afraid that I have naught to say. That all I will be good for robotic playing. Rather than finding that out, I've quit while I was still ahead. But this time I am in for the long haul and I know that I will have to face my nemesis. This is the real reason I broke down. Because I thought for a second "I can't do this" and I had never really thought that before. The feeling of sadness that came from that thought overwhelmed me. I MUST do this.

I don't think I quite believe in me, but she seems to. She said that those things that are most hard are the ones we feel most proud of in the end. So I have to just believe that some day I will play music from my heart and soul, not just from my mind. Others will enjoy what I am playing not only because it's lovely oboe sound but because I am sharing myself and giving the music meaning through me. T said that if I don't share what's inside that I am being selfish. I guess that means that she thinks there is something good in me to share in the first place. Let's hope so.

I am determined to work through this but am still worried about whether or not I have enough talent. Only time will tell. For now, I just need to keep on practicing. That's the panacea.

Happy Birthday . . .

2006-07-14T22:45:00.000-04:00

... to me!!!!!!

I turned 32 today! I still feel like a big kid.

I have a good feeling about the upcoming year. :-)

Progress

2006-07-09T22:56:00.000-04:00

I just realized something today: Having nearly weekly lessons has accelerated my progress rate! I don't really mean in terms of audible results. Instead, something is changing inside me. My motivation level and discipline are entering a new, more mature level. I've been having longer (75 min. plus) practice sessions more frequently. Rather than feeling like it's something I have to get through I am starting to feel like I wish I had more time each day to practice. This is certainly a paradigm shift. Knowing that I will see a teacher again in a matter of days instead of weeks has given me the incentive to practice better. For instance tomorrow I will be away from home 8am - 11pm. I plan on getting up at 6am so that I can get an hour of practice in before we leave.

That being said, I didn't play anything at my lesson today. It ended up turning into a long reed lesson. It was a welcome change though because I needed more time to prepare my scales anyway! T makes her reeds quite differently from J, so I was fumbling somewhat which is always frustrating. One of the bad things about being an adult learner is feeling like a complete klutz a lot of the times. I imagine that those that start young grow into these things naturally. I, on the other hand, have to deal with my hands cramping up from holding my knife awkwardly. I did eventually almost finish a reed. As in, all the parts of a reed. J's method consists of completely finishing the tip before even starting on the back. Because my tips are never refined enough I haven't really worked much on the windows or heart ever. T''s method has you doing a little bit of everything and so I finally learned how to get clear windows without killing the spine or sides of the reeds. I need a LOT more practice but now I feel that I know enough to be able to practice at home. I am very curious to find out which method will yield the best reeds for me.

My next lesson will be on Saturday which gives me time to prepare my scales (C's and a review of B's and B-flat's) and to get my Giga faster. I was finally able to get through the darn thing (w/o repeats) yesterday. What a workout!

We (well, I) decided to postpone the Ravel piece for now. I was being impatient in wanting to play things beyond me. Maybe I will try it again soon, but for now it doesn't really make sense to try to play it when I don't yet have all the tools for it. My next piece will be the Marcello concerto in C minor. I'm listening to it on Rhapsody now and it sounds quite beautiful. But that third movement does sound somewhat scary. So many notes and most of them articulated. Ahh! Well, I will order it along with the reed supplies I need to restock on. Oh and I need another instrument stand. I've basically killed the one I have. WHy are music supplies so expensive???

So I asked T if it would be a good idea for me to audition for the Wind Ensemble at school and she said YES! I think it would be a good place for me to get some practice sight reading and playing in tune with others. I was worried that it would distract me from my studies but I think that by September I should be on a roll with practicing and the rehearsals will just be additional practice for me (rather than taking the place of practice). This should help my endurance a lot. I'll also continue meeting my new oboist friend for duets from time to time.

YAY! It feels so right whenever I make more space for music in my life. Why am I constantly trying to sabotage this by trying to force myself to live up to old, outdated dreams (i.e. med school)? Go, go PA!

Mother-in-law induced OCD

2006-07-03T20:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, I have been horrid at keeping up with my blog. The problem is that these days I am NOT at the computer all day long. In fact, many days may pass by before I have a chance to sit down at one. I also have my MIL at home for the summer and it's done a number on me.

Oboe is going well, thankfully. As well as it can go when you're only practicing an hour a day. My repeated attempts at working up to two daily practice sessions have been fruitless. I am not sure why it's so difficult. God knows I want it badly enough. I have never in my life wanted anything as much as I want to get good at the oboe. So why then am I lazy? Maybe lazy is not the right word. I mean I am practicing. And I do see improvement at this rate. It just seems very slow. Perhaps the reason is that as you progress it gets exponentially harder to get to the next level. Trying to beat my scale times was sort of fun for a while, but now I am kind of bored of it. Plus I was starting to focus too much on speed and not enough on clarity, sound, and evenness (is that even a word?).

In the last few months I have made improvements in the technique front. I am able to play faster and clearner than before. This is good because it was one of my weakest areas. Now I feel that my weakest area lies in the air stream. I need to focus on breathing and on how I am using my air. I think that once I do that I will be a more even player. Both of my teachers have now told me that I am ready to learn vibrato but neither of them have taught me it yet. We keep getting distracted by other stuff at lessons. And since I don't really want to rush into vibrato I won't push for it. I really want to feel more confident with my air before I get into vibrato anyway. I wonder if a week is enough time? My next lesson is on Sunday.

I am nearly done with my initial studying of the Correlli concerto. I can play all the movements now close to tempo. My intonation has been good, at least when I am being careful about my embouchure and not biting. I need to just work more on expression.

I am also starting on a new piece. We've decided that it's still a bit hard for me but we'll go on with it anyway. It's an oboe version of Ravel's "Piece en forme de Habanera". Technically it's not all that bad except for two scaley runs. The problem is playing it beautifully. It will be a challenge but I really love Ravel and the Tombeau de Couperin is still years away! I must admit, however, that I've been practicing the intro to the Prelude at 40 (real tempo is 92) as a way to warm up the last few days. I also dabble at the Minuet intro and the Rigaudon solo. I can't help myself! Gimme my Ravel! *giggle*

I passed the 1.5 year mark a few weeks ago. Though the Type-A part of me focuses on everything that needs to improve I think that I should feel pretty good with my progress thus far. I seriously thought it would take YEARS to play scales on the oboe. Everyone had said it was so hard that they had freaked me out. I can't do scales lightning speed yet but I can certainly do any of them slowly enough. And who would have thought that I'd be playing the Habanera piece at 19 months? Now if I could only make myself walk down the stairs for a second practice session tonight!!!

Scales can be your friend

2006-06-20T21:33:00.000-04:00

I'm pleased to say that practicing is going much betters these days. I have fallen into a nice little groove after being in a plateau for a while. What helped was making my practices more structured (T's suggestion). It started with trying to work on scales more consistenly. She assigns me a scale for the week to work on in major and all three minor forms. I then decided to keep track of my tempi on paper every several days. Then I decided to make my long tone notes be the ones of the major triad of my weekly scale. My long tone/scale work up takes at least 30 minutes (I make sure I play the scale satisfactorily at least 3 times) and by then I am nice and ready for music. Or on days where time is limited I at least get a GOOD warmup in.

By breaking up my big goal of becoming a good oboist into something more tangible (getting my scales faster) I've been able to feel much better about my practice time. I feel more productive and I can see my improvement. And yes, I can hear it too. My scales are becoming more even and my intonation is improving. My fingers feel more agile. I even think that my sound is slightly better.

Previously when a reed died on me I knew I had a week of bad practices ahead of me as I tried to adjust to a new reed. With this new warmup it now takes only an hour or so to break in a new reed as opposed to days. It's much easier to tolerate a hard reed when you're doing scales than when you're rushing to play real music.

Who would have thought that scales could be so friendly? I will never avoid them again!

Redemption

2006-06-17T20:08:00.000-04:00

So after that awful performance experience I was blessed with one of my most wonderfully musical days ever this past Wednesday. Even before the Fiasco of 2006 I had been looking around for other people to play with. All three of the other quartet players are out of commission right now. The bassoonist is no longer practicing his instrument and is too busy with his recording studio. The flutist moved across the Tappan Zee bridge. The clarinetist basically tore down his house and is rebuilding it from scratch. This is why I took on that gig in the first place. I had gotten somewhat desperate to play with others. But now I realize that it's best to wait for the right opportunity instead. Luna and I might be alone for quite some time yet still.

Or maybe not . . . Some time last year I joined the Amateur Chamber Music Players, Inc. One of the perks of joining is that you are included in their directory of amateur players and you gain access to said directory. One of the things you must do before you're listed is rate yourself according to this scale:

A. "Excellent."
You know much of the standard repertoire, from many time periods and for a variety of ensembles including your instrument, "inside out." If your partners make a mistake, you can often bring them back in without stopping. You are a prima sight-reader and you consistently sound excellent on your instrument. You already aim for cohesive musical expressiveness with attention to fine nuance on a first reading.

B. "Good."
You are quite familiar with portions of the standard repertoire (perhaps pieces from certain periods or for certain instrumental combinations). You generally sound good on your instrument and sight-reading is not a problem. You usually pay attention to blend, balance, dynamics, and basic phrasing on a first reading.

C. "Fair."
You are in the process of exploring the standard repertoire, perhaps avoiding those works that are currently too technically challenging. You concentrate on not making major mistakes while reading an unfamiliar part, though you are aware of what the others are doing. You often slow down a fast movement for technical reasons.

D. "Etc."
You play a repertoire carefully chosen to be within your technical limitations. On a first reading, you usually aim to get through the music and end together without too many stops and starts in between.

At the time I joined I rated myself a "D". Even still I'd call myself a D+ or perhaps a C-. I am not sure that I am quite yet exploring the standard oboe repertoire. Anyway, there are not all that many other D players. While I do want to challenge myself I don't want to ruin anyone else's experience by stumbling all over the place. So about a month ago I looked through the directory and found one other D oboist in my area. We corresponded via email and then by phone and agreed to meet on Wednesday.

Wednesday, June 14th:

10:30 - 1:20
I am pleased to say that my meeting with the oboist went very well! We were both quite nervous at first and weren't really sure where to start. We talked for a bit about how we got involved with the oboe and what we've done so far. He's been playing for 2 years and it turns out we're more or less on the same level. Though they were a bit on the easy side, we had loads of fun going through duets from my method books. We played for so long that both of us were almost too tired to talk! We will definitely be meeting up again as his schedule permits (he's often on religious missions). I even got to eat lunch at the parish house which was fun!

1:20 - 2:20
I ran out of there and took a bus then the subway to T's house for a lesson. I ended up getting there 20 minutes late - yikes!

2:20 - 4:00
Luckily she did not have a rehearsal or other lesson to run to and we ended up together for quite a while. I was concerned about whether I'd be able to play after my 2 hours with my new oboe buddy, but my fears were needless. The lesson went quite well. I've improved at my dynamics control while doing long tones, though she still wants my forte to be a lot louder. And I'm breathing slightly better too. Other oboists out there: do you breathe through your mouth or your nose or both? I sort of mangled the B-flat scales I had prepared but eventually I got them out. I'm still struggling with the fingerings that T wants me to use. No forked F's at all means that I end up doing some fancy stuff with my right pinky on the B-flat minor scales. Next time we meet I have to prepare B scales. The minors are easy there, only the major scale is a bit tricky. I have no excuse to be sloppy next time.

I played the second movement of my Correlli and she was mostly satisfied with it. She thinks I can play it at tempo (100) even though I've been practicing it closer to 80. So for my next lesson I have to play it at tempo and also prepare the third and fourth movements. She said that she gave me a lot to do because she thinks I can handle it. Cool!

Oh I forgot to mention that at the lesson before this one I asked her what my "level" is and she said I was playing at around a sophomore in high school level. That's pretty cool for 1.5 years I think.

4:00 - 4:30
Pizza break

4:30 - 5:45
My musical day wasn't over yet. I take the subway down to 59th street and walk over to Patelson's Music House. After looking through all they had for oboe solo/duo I ended up purchasing two books of oboe duets for my new friend and me. They were $20 a piece but now we have 41 new duets to play and these are more substantive than the ones in my method books. I also saw several "real" duets that we can aspire to play in the future. There was one with strings accompaniment which looked really interesting. He met some string players through ACMP so whenever we're ready they can help us with it.

5:45 - 6:00
As I sit on a crosstown bus on my way to meet the hubby I reflect upon the day so far. I feel completely happy and satisfied and realize that this must be what it feels like to live like a musician (well without the pressure and financial woes). Everything I had done thus far that day had been music-related. Boy did that feel good! I even ended up playing for 3.5 hours!

I know that not all days can be like this. But wouldn't life be great if I could have days like this at least every once in a while? Ahhhh ...

Oily scissorhands (somewhat of a rant)

2006-06-15T09:35:00.000-04:00

There are many interesting expressions used in the merengue scene. Many of which, I suspect, only make sense to the people involved. I was reminded of them last weekend as I got through that church "concert" and will attempt to share them.

One of the expressions is tijera' or scissors (Dominicans seldom pronounce the "s" at the end of a word). The word is often used as a verb, tijerear, to mean something like " to heavily criticize other musicians or music". Though the connotation is somewhat negative tijereros who actually know what they're talking about are usually well respected. Of course, there are also many folks who should just be at home practicing but instead are out tijereando.

The other expression is aceitoso(a) which literally means "oily man (or woman)". This one is used to describe someone who has become a showoff. It's also used in a more general sense when someone is having a bad day and acting a bit distant. In fact, if you're not deemed as being down with the crowd for whatever reason you might be called an aceitoso.

Well, after above-mentioned church concert this past weekend I may have just become an oily scissorhands. In a word the whole thing was CHAOTIC. The arranger had interesting ideas but was overly ambitious given the amount of time we had to rehearse and the talent of the singers involved. Also, his harmonic ear is pretty limited. My husband and I kept encouraging him to reharmonize some things but everything we suggested sounded wrong to him because he only believes in like three chords. The sound system was atrocious. I still have no idea what people were hearing. On stage, all we heard was noise. You can't imagine how frustrating it was to try to play oboe on songs it simply didn't fit well in and then to try to be heard over a bunch of amplified instruments. We had three keyboards for God's sake. Then there were the diva attitudes. If you can't sing on pitch you should NOT be acting like a diva. Enough said. Even the MC's had an attitude. One of the them had the nerve to try to cut short the singer from my choir (who was a special guest). He was one of the few real artists there! ARG!

I really care for my friend the arranger but I don't think I ever want to be involved in something like this again. I understand that I am not a great oboist yet, but I will be damned if I am stuck playing at this level for the rest of my life!

Yes, I HAVE become a Classical music snob. My friends will just have to deal. I don't want to play other types of music on my oboe. I don't want to play crappy arrangements where my instrument isn't used well. And I don't want to mess up my embouchure trying to play ffffff.

Where are you oh other serious amateurs??

The only way I can ensure that I will NOT be stuck at that level is by becoming my best which means that I need ample amounts of TIME to practice. So this does actually tie in to my latest posts about my career junk. For now, what feels most comfortable is postponing school thoughts at least temporarily and focusing on oboe and my body.

This is what I'd be looking forward to

2006-06-12T12:02:00.000-04:00

I've been a faithful reader of this medical blog for a while. Her latest post is pertinent to what I've been babbling about here. The poor thing basically has no time for anything. She's a resident and a new mom and she and her husband spent a grand total of 8 hours together all week. There would be no time for music in that case. I know that she's a resident and that residency is supposed to be hard. But I honestly don't think I could survive those three years with my sanity intact. And not to mention that the 4 years before that are pretty crappy too. And in today's climate life doesn't get substantially better even when you're done.

It seems that the folks who have made medicine and music work are either older doctors who were able to make a decent living while that was still possible or folks who can afford to go very part-time. Based on all the research I've done with people entering the profession nowadays, the future looks very very bleak.

When I read stuff like that blog I am convinced, at least temporarily, that I never EVER want to put myself through that. Not even for one day. Especially not for years on end. So if I know this already, why can't I just let go??

Act II

2006-06-09T10:26:00.000-04:00

Was going to put this under comments to the previous post but then decided to just post it separately because it was getting kind of long. Thanks for the responses so far. They were greatly appreciated.

I've been looking into some of the other fields, but I admit only half-heartedly. I am somewhat uncomfortable with not going "all the way" and not having complete autonomy (though not even MDs really have that these days due to the insurance issues). That all being said if I manage to rule medicine and dentistry out, I'd still consider PA or PT.

For now I am putting my hopes on that summer research program I start soon. It might work out because I really do love the underlying science. I think that if I find a job where I am always learning and still contributing something to society, albeit indirectly, that perhaps I can still be happy.

Regarding my playing: I just assumed that because I started so late that there is no hope for me ever being a professional. I haven't even allowed myself to think that there is hope because when I do I tend to get starry-eyed and impractical. I do believe that I could get to a point where I could earn *some* money from oboe playing. Maybe by forming a small group to play at weddings or something like that. That would be several years off but it's definitely possible. But given that I live in an expensive area I doubt that I'd be able to make a real living off it. Plus I don't think I'd want it to become my job. I'm not sure I could take that kind of pressure.

Even though I wouldn't be able to live off it I would still like to be the best I could be. I have daydreams where I become a teacher or professor and have the summers off to devote entirely to music. Surely then I could be the best I could be?

I've always wanted to ask my teachers what my potential is but have been embarrassed to. Maybe a part of me is scared about what they'll say. If they were to say that I am not all that talented at oboe I will be sad. But if they say that I could have made it to the top I may become consumed with trying (however futilely) to live up to my potential.

I definitely can NOT live without playing, that much I know is true. Whether I can be an MD and still play the oboe is uncertain. I think I will have some time, but it's going to be limited compared to what I'd have if I didn't do medicine. If my innate oboe potential is a 500 (random number) I feel that if I go into medicine I am automatically reducing it to at least 250 due to time constraints. Perhaps that is still good enough to join a community orchestra. But maybe I'll get paged during rehearsals or I'll be on call every Tuesday, etc. If I did medicine music will NEVER be first. Medicine will always be first before anything else (even family - ouch!).
But shouldn't your passion be first? Shouldn't I try to hit that 500, or even exceed it?

Medicine and music are indeed doable, particularly for people who are already good at their instrument when they start. And for people who are good at managing their time. I am not in that position though. I'm an intermediate student at best and am a chronic procrastinator. The other issue is that I also have to start thinking about family planning because medical training would run through my thirties and into my forties. So when I add everything up together I can't convince myself that I could still be an oboist if I become a doctor, hence my hesitancy to go into it. I've often been told that you CAN have it all, just not all at the same time. My life choices have brought me to this crossroads where I'd either have to try to have it all or will be forced to give something up. And if I had to give up oboe, becoming a mom someday, or medicine, the choice would actually be really easy. Even if I do think "what if" for the rest of my life. 2 out of those 3 things I am 100% I do want.

When I think about my ideal life it includes involvement in many activities: I'd have a job that is intellectually stimulating, not like my position back in corporate America. Preferably it would be in the sciences because science makes the brain happy. Because I do like people, medicine has always seemed like the right choice, but I am actually an introvert by nature. I wouldn't exactly mind working by myself again as long as the work is meaningful to me. I could always hang out with people during lunch. I do want to help people but it doesn't HAVE to be directly through my job. For example, if I were to do research as opposed to clinical work, I could then go into inner city schools as a volunteer and talk to students about careers in the sciences. One of my chemistry professors does this. I really love talking to kids and would enjoy working that into my life somehow. Besides it might be a better way to give back than vaccine injections. I'd also go back to martial arts and finally get my black belt. The older I get the more I realize how important it is to try to stay fit. I'd have time to play my oboe every day and continue lessons. Maybe I'd even be able to take some continuing ed courses in music or something. Several schools around here have wonderful adult certificate programs. I would love to play both in an orchestra and a smaller chamber group someday. And let's not forget time for spiritual activities, family, and friends. What a busy but enriched life it would be! I've seen it time and time again that I tend to be happiest when my life is balanced, when I am able to include as many of these things as possible without too much stress. I like medicine but am so afraid it's incompatible with this ideal.

My husband too has told me that no matter which route I chose I will always wonder "what if". Maybe I just need to understand that and move on. As wonderful as medicine is every time I make the decision to go through with it I suddenly feel as though I'm trapped inside a box. That I will be in there toiling while the rest of my life happens outside of me. Try as I may I can not get rid of that imagery. When I decide that I won't do it I can imagine a life where I have time to pursue absolutely everything I can dream of. Yet there is also a hint of sadness here because I had to give something I really wanted up. Perhaps it's a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. Do I pick medicine and risk not really being present in my own life? Or do I give it up understanding that I will likely take some regret with me to the grave? I guess I can hope that the joy I will feel through my other activities will make up for it.

Seeking advice

2006-06-07T23:52:00.000-04:00

Rather than following my detailed schedule for MCAT studying I've been spending inordinate amounts of time every day thinking about the decision. You know the one. Should I do med school? I had managed to get myself motivated enough about the MCAT by seeing it as a way to redeem myself after a mediocre semester. I guess I can still pull it off. But the question remains. Do I really want to be a doctor? For whatever reason I've got it ingrained into my head that this would be the only job I'd ever really like. But I am really starting to doubt this. I would have no issues going through with it if I could be assured that I'd have time for my other pursuits (oboe). But no one can reassure me of this. If anything most people tell me flat out that I will NOT be able to pursue my oboe studies to the degree that I wish to pursue them. As the days go by I am starting to feel that I should just settle for a job I don't hate and have time for the oboe, rather than going for a job I *think* I might like but have no time for anything.

I ask you this: do you think it would be silly of me to give up on the medicine thing for my oboe? Especially when we all know that I will never be up for any auditions or anything resembling a professional oboe career?

For someone like me it's hard to give up something I think I can be excellent at for something I know I will never be great at. Yet the thought of not even allowing myself to give it a try, no matter how futile, makes me sad. I feel like deep down a part of me would rather be the best amateur oboist I can be rather than a physician. If it took me so long to find my passion, why would I deny myself the opportunity to try to get as far as I can? Sure, I can play oboe as a doctor. I should have some free time here and there. But that's all I can ever hope for. Oboe will have a very secondary role once I'm really into the medicine thing. Even though I can never be great I would still like to devote as much time as possible to the oboe. I don't think that an hour here or there would be enough to make me happy.

Any advice? When I look back on my life in about 20 years' time, which choice will leave me feeling better?

Swimming, Soccer, Ballet, Oboe

2006-06-06T22:12:00.000-04:00

Hahah! I was watching the news on Fox when a new Dunkin' Donuts commercial come up. It's about a Mom in a van taking her four kids to different activities: swimming, soccer, ballet, and oboe. They go through the jingle several times, each time getting a bit faster. How funny that they picked an oboe! I always love when we get publicity of any kind. I wonder how many, if any, kids across America will be intrigued by the commercial and maybe take it up? You never know.

I think I'm going to have me a donut tomorrow!

Reed blahs

2006-05-27T23:12:00.000-04:00

My lesson yesterday went mostly well. I was so proud of having three reeds to present this time. Their tips weren't quite refined enough but my tying and the scraping I had done thus far were good. After adjustment by my teacher all three of my reeds are still in the "possibly good reeds" category. Time will tell whether or not they will get played on regularly but I am hopeful thus far.

I didn't play a ton of music at the lesson but it was ok because we actually got to talk a lot which is not always the case. It was mostly about reeds but also about other general playing stuff. I tried very hard to NOT fall into my nervous chatter routine because I realize that it wastes both of our time. As per J's suggestion, I started practicing standing up and now I feel immensely more comfortable playing standing than I do sitting. My breathing feels more controlled that way and I am better able to get rid of excessive tension. J mentioned that I was noticeably less tense than usual but that I still have more work to do in that area. I think that going to another teacher helped in this regard because I let out a lot of nervous energy worrying about how she'd react to my playing the first time she heard me. Once I got over that with no trauma, I felt like I have less to fear.

I've now been ordered by both teachers to do more scales and to do them quicker. I admit I've been quite lazy about scales for some reason. Maybe because they're BORING! They're also frustrating on the oboe because it's difficult to get them in tune and even.

Today's practice session didn't go very well. My new reeds are still too hard and my old reed is close to being unplayable. I didn't feel like breaking in reeds today though so I ended up just playing crap on my old one. I felt like crap myself after doing that for an hour. I need to focus on what's going to help me improve. Tomorrow I will play on my new hard reeds even if all I end up doing is long tones!

One of the three bakeries nearby is apparently making cinnamon buns. The smell is intoxicating!!

Despite the fact that after watching X-Men 3 last night I was convinced that I am indeed Phoenix I may not be evil enough after all:

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

Wow, an update

2006-05-23T19:40:00.000-04:00

Isn't difficult to write in a neglected blog? I feel like I should write absolutely everything that has happened since my last update, but just the thought of that makes me tired. Yet I know I have to do some kind of recap in order to be able to keep going. So here goes.

My last final was on May 9th, over two weeks ago. However, the traumatic effects of last semester linger on. I realized that being back at Columbia made me regress emotionally. I picked some of my inferiority complexes back up. It was very difficult feeling inadequate all of the time. It went beyond my not being able to focus and my procrastination. What hurt the most was feeling like I was living a lie. Try as I may I couldn't muster up enough genuine motivation. My feelings regarding whether or not I should continue down the pre-med path are still ambivalent. On the one hand a part of me is convinced that it's the only job I'd ever like yet on the other hand I am convinced that pursuing it will lead to me becoming depressive. Let's hope I can work this all out by the end of the summer. For now I am on schedule to begin the research internship on June 19th. I'm pretty excited about it and am hoping that maybe my niche will be somewhere in there.

Music stuff . . .

Where to begin? Well, it turns out that I now have two teachers! How did this happen? I mentioned that the first time that I went to an Imani Winds concert (back in March) I introduced myself to the oboist and got her contact information. I went to another concert of theirs on May 11th and at that point we set up a time to meet up at her house for a free lesson (so kind of her). My first lesson with her was last week and afterwards she asked if I wanted to take more lessons with her and I was more than happy to. My teacher is very busy (and a bit more expensive) so I can't go to her weekly anyway. In fact some times I end up seeing her only once in a month because of our schedules. I liked it back when I met with my very first teacher every week because it kept me on my toes in terms of practicing. I figured that seeing two teachers now would have a similar effect. It's really interesting to have someone else listen to you because all teachers are really different. Both are amazing players and I feel so blessed right now to be working with both of them. My second teacher, "T", focuses on different things than my first teacher, "J". I feel that this will only help because it will lead to me becoming a more balanced player. For example, J focuses a lot of embouchure and sound and intonation. During my first lesson with T she remarked that my sound and intonation were quite good for the amount of time I've been playing. That makes since it's it's what I've been focusing on. Like J, she suggested that my next thing to attack is dynamics control. Both teachers gave me basically the same exercise for this: a very long tone that starts pp goes ff then goes back to pp. One interesting suggestion she made was to NOT use my tuner during these exercises for now. I've been so worried about "perfect" intonation that I do think it had limited my dynamic range. I was very afraid to play loudly because I tended to always go sharp in those cases. Yet if I never practiced it how was I ever supposed to get better at keeping my intonation against increased air pressure? T has also had good advice for me in terms of breathing and support. Another thing she noticed was that my attack on the notes was a bit harsh. I had been tonguing similarly to how I tongued for my saxophone and this is way more than what the tiny oboe reed calls for. I'm now practicing a much softer attack and it's amazing how much more "musical" my playing is when I do it correctly. I had my second lesson with T today and I think that it went well. She said that I'm a quick learner. YAY! We've gone over a lot of new things in the two meetings and she said that for now we'll just focus on improving on those things before introducing any other new concepts. Once I get over these fundamentals she is going to help me with the "v" word: vibrato. Ooo! She was happy that I haven't tried to apply a sax vibrato (or any vibrato at all for that matter) to the oboe because apparently the results are pretty disastrous. I had read that on several sites and it's one of the reasons I've been patient about it and not pursued it yet.

Tomorrow I have a lesson with my J. I'm hoping to finish the three reeds I've started. And I may practice again later tonight to work some more on my Corelli piece. I hope she'll notice some improvement. Another added benefit of having someone else listen to me is that I think I've become slightly more comfortable and relaxed when playing in front of really good musicians. I should be a lot less nervous at tomorrow's lesson. *crosses fingers*

I didn't mean for both lessons to fall on the same week. I have to figure out a better way to coordinate them.

This past Saturday I played for the longest ever since I began playing. I was on my instrument for a good 4 hours total! I had a nice, productive practice session at home early that afternoon. I ended up doing just long tones, scales, and technical stuff for 90 minutes. I didn't play around with music at all. My husband was playing at a church concert (not our parish) that night and they were rehearsing for two hours before it started. I took the oboe with me figuring that I could find a corner somewhere and play a few tunes while they practiced. I did that for about 30 minutes and then walked on stage with them half jokingly. They welcomed me to play along with then and then said that I should go ahead and play at the concert with them too. Pretty funny! I didn't end up playing on the very fast tunes but I did do the intros on all of the slow ones (along with the trumpet player). I even did some little solos in between verses and stuff like that on some of them. The last time I "performed" like this was March of last year at which point I was still sounding pretty bad. At that point some of the other musicians did like it but others weren't as enthused. This time everyone liked my oboe! That's because it actually sounds like an oboe now. It was such a nice feeling to expose folks to my instrument.

The only downside was that I think I made my mouth sore from all the playing. It felt a little sore that night but I didn't really think about it until I tried practicing the next day. My upper gums were a bit swollen, especially in the middle (that little tissue that connects your upper gums to your upper lip). Forming my embouchure aggravated it and I ended up only playing like 20 minutes on Sunday. It's all ok now thankfully.

I now have another performance opportunity coming up. The person who organized last year's concert (at my parish) is now preparing another one. Our first rehearsal is this coming Saturday and this time I will not be doubling on the sax since I never touched it again after that past concert. The arranger told me he's going to write some nice little solos for me. It should be fun!!

As I was driving home today I was thinking yet again about how grateful I am for having found this. The oboe brings out the best in me. For example, I can't believe just how bold I am when it comes to my oboe stuff. Even though I am still very much a student I don't have much shame when it comes to playing. Things would be different if the audience were other classical musicians but before I was afraid to play in front of anyone. But I really enjoy this so much that I don't focus on the fear anymore. I rather play and get a bit nervous than not play at all. Being bold has helped me in this path because I've befriended several great teachers/musicians (you too Patty!). Another great thing is that I have demonstrated at least some degree of discipline in this endeavor. Though I wish I had even more, I am remarkably more disciplined with this than I am with anything else. This gives me hope that I can organize other areas of my life too. If not, then at least I can continue to see improvement in my playing.

For my next post I will be putting up a picture of me at my rock band gig last night. It was at a pretty famous venue! I'll keep you guessing for now.

Infatuated

2006-05-04T22:01:00.000-04:00

I just want to note how grateful I am to God for having found my true passion. After my 7 hour stint at the library today, I sat outside for about 30 minutes enjoying the weather. As the wonderful warm breeze blew on my face I suddenly felt very grateful for my life. I tend to spend so much time inside my head trying to "figure things out" that it's hard to really be in the moment. I then remembered how empty my life was before when I had nothing I really loved doing. I was so afraid that my entire existence would be like that. Nowadays it's as though the world is painted in brighter colors. I am able to truly appreciate everything. And even if a cloud temporarily darkens the way, all I have to do is listen to oboe music in my head and I know that the sun will come out again soon.

My aching mouth

2006-04-30T00:46:00.000-04:00

I got in two hours of practice time today!! I wasn't playing the entire time though. Some of the time I used to do harmonic analysis of the piano accompaniment to that Corelli piece I am studying. That serves a dual purpose. I've always seemed to listen to music more vertically than horizontally. It's only now that I'm playing the oboe that I am worrying more about melodies. I do still need to understand the underlying harmony in order to feel that I really "get" what I'm playing. I do tend to harmonize everything in my head anyway, but I like to know what the real hamonization is just in case there are any surprises. The other nice thing about doing this analysis (besides pure intellecual fun) is that I can write out the chord changes for my husband and he can accompany me as I practice. He doesn't really read Classical piano music (and is, in fact, intimidated by it) since what he's played all his life is Latin stuff and started on jazz recently. Merengue piano parts are written in tab.

I spent most of the time on my piece but I did also work on some long tones and octaves. By the end of it my embouchure completely died and my mouth just gave up and looked something like this. Pretty funny stuff! I mean to give myself another workout tomorrow. I have to try to get a lot in before the finals crunch gets much worse.

Today was a good day. A very good day. :-)

Lesson!

2006-04-27T16:41:00.000-04:00

My lesson yesterday turned out better than expected which was a pleasant surprise. I was convinced that my sound had taken a huge turn for the worse because of my forced time off last month. I do have to keep working on intonation and dynamics issues, but thankfully the bad sound thing must have been a figment of my imagination. It's not like I sound heavenly yet, but I am still moving forward. What can I say? Those months of the goose/kazoo/duck/bagpipe really work a number on you. I think I am traumatized!

I ended up not completing two reeds. In fact I only had one nearly finished reed to show. She never really pressures me about them but I am always afraid that she might and I always feel disappointed in myself when I don't go in with a lot of reeds. The reason I hadn't finished that one reed was because my knife was feeling dull no matter what I did. I have a sharpening block that I only use rarely. I've been using ceramic sticks for most of my sharpening. They work well for my teacher and are easy to use. Well it turns out that I was doing it at a slightly wrong angle and was probably dulling my knife instead of sharpening it. Now that I know what to do I won't need to fear finishing off the tips.

My teacher emphasized my need for working on long tones, octaves, and scales every day as well as on being more aware of tension. We worked a bit on the Corelli piece and she seemed pleased with what I had figured out on my own. Next time I hope to have all 5 movements mostly ready. I only presented 2 of them yesterday.

Less than two weeks left in the semester!! This means that pretty soon I will be stepping up my practicing to a minimum of two hours a day. Or at least I hope so! I have nearly 6 weeks off in between the end of the semester and the beginning of my summer research internship. I have some lofty goals for that time: lose 10 pounds, practice 2 hours a day, and start studying for the MCAT. Why can't I just relax like normal people? Hehe, I should have some time for that too. As much as one can relax when the mother in law is in town.

Baroque-y Me

2006-04-22T23:55:00.000-04:00

When I think back at the time when I was trying to decide whether to play oboe or clarinet I remember that one of my perceived cons for the oboe was that a lot of its literature is from the Baroque era. It's not that I didn't like Baroque music. It simply wasn't my favorite.

So now I am working on my very first real piece with my teacher and it's Corelli's Concerto for Oboe and String. And guess what? I had a grand old time today working through the gavotta, which is arguably the most "baroque-y" sounding of the movements. I was very surprised at how I seemed to get into the feeling of the piece without really trying. For some reason I always thought that it would be unnatural to play in that style. But I think the instrument lends itself quite well to it which explains why they wrote so many oboe concertos in those days. Tada!

I am glad I proved myself wrong because now I have a ton of pieces to look forward to playing.

I wonder how it will go on Wednesday when I play it for my teacher. I haven't told her yet that I got the music. I am trying to work through it as much as I can to surprise her at the lesson. The piece is just at my level technique-wise. Not too easy yet the challenging parts are all things I can work through slowly. The range is pretty comfortable too. It does have some extreme notes but they are not troubling me. What I need to work on most is intonation and articulation. Oh and dynamics. For some reason I am still not back to where I was before my flu in terms of dynamics control. I was able to play softer than I am now. Maybe it's the reeds?

At one point tonight I realized that I've come really far in the past year. At this point last year I was still struggling with everything. Well, I guess I still am. But now I sound like an oboe. One without vibrato yet though. Hahah. It will all come in due time. It's really fulfilling to be able to work on real music and play it closely in tune and with some semblance of musicality. I think I've gotten to a point where the practice is reinforcing itself. Before I'd be almost afraid to practice because I didn't want to find out how bad I'd be playing that day. For a while one thing would get better while three others would get worse. So on any given day I had no idea what would come out of the instrument. At least now I am consistent. I know what I need to work on and when I practice the next day I usually don't feel that I am playing worse. I guess I had hit a plateau and am now on a new rising curve. It must be because my embouchure is finally closer to a real oboe embouchure.

I have another lesson Wednesday so I will definitely be writing about my preparations for that and the lesson itself. I have to make 2 reeds and am procrastinating on it. My scraping technique has been faulty lately. I keep making my tips uniformly too thin (instead of being slightly thicker in the center and thinning out towards the side). This creates a very raucous sounding reed which even after professional adjustment are barely good enough for doing long tones. I'm happy though because right now I'm still playing on the reed my teacher lent me for the Beethoven. It has a nice sound and I can control the pitch (but not the dynamics) better on it.

Off to listen to some music before calling it a night.

The start of something big

2006-04-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

I am no longer an orchestral virgin! WOOHOO!! I still can't believe that I played a symphony. Not bad after playing oboe for only 16 months. I can't even explain how nervous I was from about 30 minutes before it was due to start until we actually started playing. Even during the tuning I was still ultra nervous. I was almost shaking. Part of it too was that I wasn't feeling secure about my playing. I still haven't fully recovered from the days of practice that I lost during my illness. The intonation and dynamics control that I was beginning to gain had become elusive again. My teacher was kind enough to meet me at school today to bring me one of her reeds because I didn't want to play in public with the ones I've been practicing with. Her reed was great, but I hadn't played on it before and I didn't get there early enough to warm up. Plus, I felt a bit shy about the others hearing me. Thankfully, my sound blended in with the others decently enough. And I didn't have any major intonation issues tonight (though some of the clarinetists did hehe).

The interesting thing was that the nerves disappeared as soon as we began to actually play. Oh I forgot to say that the instrumentation ended up being a bit unbalanced. We had 4 oboes, 2 on each part. Two other oboists from the orchestra showed up but left when they saw that there were 4 of us already. The other 2nd oboe was also not a regular member of the orchestra. No bassoons showed up and there was only one French Horn. There were 5 clarinetists and not enough low strings. We even had two guitarists show up and try to play the violin part. It ended up sounding pretty ok even with the weird orchestration.

Back to the music. The first movement was the most fun. Maybe it's because I am really familiar with it so I didn't have to count as much and could feel the music better. I ended up getting somewhat lost during parts of the second movement. We had really long rests and I would get distracted! Oops. I would start worrying about whether my reed would dry out. Or I'd start listening to the music. We ended up skipping the 3rd movement which sucked because I really like that one. But I think part of that may have been because we were lacking in terms of the lower pitched strings and brass. The 4th movement was really fun too! I managed to do pretty well on it to my surprise. There is a little part near the the beginning that I sort of memorized and if I tried to do it while reading I would end up messing up the fingerings. So I had to just close my eyes to do that part and then open them once it was over. How weird! The conductor marked the presto at the end REALLY fast!! I didn't think I'd be able to keep up but miraculously I mostly did.

My only complaint about the whole thing (besides the funky instrument balance) was that it was too short! We ended up only playing for an hour. When he said we were done I thought we were going to take a break and then play the whole thing from top to bottom. WAAAH! Oh, and the only other bad thing is that now I want to play in an orchestra every single day. What have I done? I've unleashed a demon. I knew I would just absolutely love playing in an orchestra. I am still in disbelief that it actually happened. I wasn't able to really think about my FEELINGS about the whole thing while I was there because I was so worried about the music, my sound, my dynamics, etc. But it was great. I really really want to be playing my oboe so much better and so much more. I KNEW that I was right. That once this hit me, it was the real thing. My husband doesn't always believe that I really found my passion but I know I have.

I came home and since I was still yearning to play I ended up practicing my piece for about 45 minutes. It sounded better than it has all week. I am getting back into shape.

So there you have it. I wanted to write more about it. Maybe I will be able to once the adrenaline rush goes away. All I know is that I am more determined than ever to be as good as I can be. I HAVE to do this more than once a year!

Here I am before we started. What a natural! :-D

Check me out in action! Oooh, my chin looks nice and flat.

My Symphonic Debut!

2006-04-12T17:21:00.000-04:00

So I stop posting for a few weeks and now I get to tell you all that my symphonic debut will be next Tuesday and I will be playing Beethoven's Fifth! Nope, I am not joining an orchestra just yet, simply participating at a "play-along" here at school. I couldn't be more excited! It's as though my adrenaline has been pumping ever since I saw the first flyer for it last night. I have no idea how it will all work out. Will all the orchestra members be there and we will be doubling up? That's what I'm assuming. In preparation I've gone ahead and borrowed a copy of the full score from the music library. I am not about to blow my debut by messing up with the sight reading.

I have not been a good little oboist. But it was not entirely my fault. I was sick for 9 days! So sick in fact that I missed many days of practice. I am heart-broken about this and now struggling to restart my daily practice habit. Luckily my score of the Corelli/Barbirolli Oboe Concerto came in yesterday so perhaps that will help me get back on track. It's always such a pain to deal with sloppy chops. *cry* Just when I was starting to make real progress I had to go and catch a bunch of viral bugs. I won't despair though, I have next week to look forward to and that alone should be enough motivation.

I went ahead and contacted the oboist I met a few weeks ago at that other school's orchestra rehearsals. She and her teacher seem really nice and once I am done with the semester we will be getting together to chat about all things oboe and to play some trios. It will be nice to meet up with others who are oboe obsessed.

Ok I am going to go practice on my reed alone now!

Still a happy oboist

2006-03-29T21:25:00.000-05:00

Hey there!

I feel so sad about having neglected the blog. But things have just been kind of nuts. I just realized today that for the last month or so I've only felt completely well on a handful of days. First I had some kind of stomach virus/food poisoning. Then I had a horrible cold for two weeks. Then I got another bout of food poisoning - the worst ever in my adult life. Now I seem to have a sore throat/flu-like symptoms. I am not any more stressed than usual. In fact, I have been more on top of school than ever. So I am not sure why my immune response is so low. It seems that for some reason I am susceptible to stomach ailments right now and it is those that bring on the other problems. Oh well.

I've managed to maintain my little practice regimen of an hour a day. I really wish I could do more on a consistent basis, but it is really all I can muster right now. I did finally return to the school practice rooms last week and put in 75 minutes one day. It felt so nice and it turned out to be a very productive practice.

I think that the latest stuff that I've been working on is starting to pay off. My teacher had me work on octaves as well as crescendo/decrescendo. When I did these at my lesson today she was pretty happy with the progress. I have to be careful that I always use enough air speed and not try to compensate for lazy air by biting. That being said, my "chops" have definitely gotten stronger. I was able to pull off some decent dynamics. It's really exciting that now my playing is sounding more musical. Oh, and my intonation was quite good today. The only time I played out of tune was when I bit on a B-flat during the octave exercise. Eep. But other than that even when we played a duet it sounded well. She complimented my sound a few times, but other times I wasn't cushioning the reed well enough and was getting a more raw sound. I also got a compliment on a flat chin at one point. YAY! I am so excited that I am getting past some of the embouchure issues that haunted me for months. We are definitely playing more music now at the lessons. In fact she wants me to get a copy of a piece!! This will be my first official piece to study with her. It's the Corelli/Barbirolli Oboe Concerto. All in all it was a good lesson. I showed improvement in the areas I worked on and we found other things to iron out for next time.

So I went to the Imani Winds concert on the 25th. It was really amazing! The setting was very intimate. There were maybe 60 or so in the audience and we were all up on stage with the quintet facing us (their backs to the official seats). They introduced each piece with some information about it and answered questions at the end. It was really wonderful to enjoy great music in this setting. I do love going to the Philharmonic but I must admit that at times it feels overly stuffy. If we're all enjoying the music, why must we act like we're at a funeral? Anyway, Imani Wind's playing was top notch. I especially enjoyed watching and listening to the oboist, Toyin Spellman-Diaz. She has wonderful technique and sound. I went up to her at the end and she was also super friendly and nice. In fact, she even offered me a free lesson! I am a bit nervous but I will definitely take her up on that. It will be so much fun. She's really an inspiration!

Good night :-)

New Blog

2006-03-24T12:07:00.000-05:00

I've created a new blog to chronicle all my pre-med stuff.

Sometimes I get writer's block because what I need to sound off about is some school related thing. This prevents me from writing my music stuff at times. So I've decided to make a new home for all that other pesky stuff.

Read at your own risk. It will probably just be a lot of whining!